The Further Adventures of Captain America: And the Winners Are…

?There weren’t a ton of entries in this weekend’s Captain America-themed contest — so kindly sponsored by 80s Tees — but man, there were a very high percentage of awesome entries. Seriously, after my first pass at judging the results I ended up with 50 Honorable Mentions, which is like 20% of the whole damn thing. I had to pare it down some, obviously, but I think you’ll feel especially American when reading the HMs and winners, even if you’re not American. Especially if you’re not American (note to non-Americans: feeling American is a mixture of pride, hangover, suspicion your country is losing it and bloated and gassy from too much fatty foods).

Before we start, again, thanks to 80s Tees for sponsoring this week’s contest; please show ’em some love by checking out the Captain America t-shirts they’re offering to the winners, as well as all of their other fine tees! And now, stand at attention — the HMs are coming by!

Atten-HUT!

Ridureyu:

Captain America Owes The Other Avengers A Ton Of Money, Argues, And Then Defaults.
Cap owes Iron Fist, Sunfire, Colossus, and Captain Britan a lot of money. The Falcon wants him to borrow more, but Hank Pym wants all the money paid up now! How will Cap get through THIS predicament?

THE CAPTAIN AMERICA SUPER-SPECIAL MOVIE SCAVENGER HUNT: FIND A NAZI!
Can YOU find four Nazis hidden in this World War II Adventure? They’re hard to spot, so look closely – that Hydra symbol’s definitely no Swastika! And don’t be fooled by the fake Hitler on-stage! There might be a Nazi hiding under the bed, or maybe another behind that tree! But you won’t be finding them in this war, nuh-uh!
Everybody knows that Captain America only fights HYDRA, a non-terrorist non-racial non-nationalist non-political non-ethnic non-religious non-darwinistic non-controversial non-offensive group of masked villains, but we’ve hidden FOUR Nazis in this movie. Can YOU help Cap and Bucky find them?

Ken_Shiro:

Cap and Falcon’s final team up! Cap lands in the hospital for a lengthy stay after continuing to call falcon Black Falcon, even though he was asked not to do so.

Captain america’s greatest Foe yet! 4 guys with guns firing at the same time from different angles!

Arsenal:

Captain American in: What are Bucky and I not to be asked and what are we not to tell?

Hostile V:

Captain America-UBERMENSCH?!: Captain America is accused by Top Scientists all over America and the UK of being the physical embodiment of Nietzsche’s ubermensch, and by proxy a THREAT TO THE ALLIEDS! Can Captain America spend the next five issues reading over original first drafts of Freidrich’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra” and fact checking in Oxford, Cambridge and Harvard’s vast libraries in order to write a thirty page dissertation and oral report proving that they’re WRONG? YOU BET YOUR RED, WHITE AND BLUE BEHIND HE CAN!

Captain America and the Suburban Wasteland: Bucky can’t resist the moxie of that rascal, Eddie Haskel! Can Captain America beat some sense into his ally, and put an end to annoying bad influences in 1950’s media forever? Spoiler: no.

DoctorBatman, GD:

Captain America, That Pertinacious Patriotic Punchin’ Machine, In His Most Exciting Escapade Yet!
Stan Lee Presents
“Born On The Fourth Of Ju-DIE!!!”

SlyDante:

Captain America in “Invasion of the Fruity Yellow Menace!”
Captain America comes across the latest plan by the Japanese Axis powers to conquer America…By inventing an irresistible substance called “fruit pies”! Watching in horror as hypnotized kids invest in the likes of delicious golden pastries instead of investing in whatever the hell war bonds are, will Captain America be able to stop the Axis & harness the power of fruit pies for good?? (Deemed “un-PC”, for some odd reason.)

zasabi7:

“A Prescription for Truman”
Cap needs to get President Truman a new pair of lenses so he can sign the papers for the Enola Gay’s historic voyage

edgreen86:

“Timely Intervention” – Cap and Bucky battle in the heart of New York City to save Joe Simon and Jack Kirby from the curse of “work for hire”! Watch them battle Marty and Abe Goodman for the souls of their creators!

Chyromaniac:

“One Step Too Far”
Pre-Serum Steve recalls the near-death experience he had climbing the stairs of his Aunt Sally’s third story walk-up in the Bronx.

“It’s Just A Figure Of Speech!”
In 1964, the other Avengers need to physically restrain Cap from pummeling Beach Boy Brian Wilson, after he tells Steve to “chill out, man.”

Kidwicket:

“THIS CAP IS ON A HOT TIN ROOF”
I imagine this story takes place in the Spring of 1999 (pre 2000…). On an anonymous tip that the Brian Setzer Orchestra has been infiltrated by surviving members of the SS Marching Band, Cap heads out to check out there most recent show. Agent 13 tags along to help Cap keep his cover. Over the course of the issue, Cap demonstrates his dancing prowess, kayo’s a surprising spry 80 yr old horn section made up of former Nazis, and discovers Setzer himself is a recipient of Nick Fury’s Infinity formula, and played once before for Cap at a USO Rally in France.

Krakes:

“Mussolini bit his wienie!”
Cap goes to a wienie roast with Bucky’s boy scout troop, only to discover that the mayonnaise has been poisoned by agents of the Axis!

“The Beetle Brigade!”
Cap foils an insidious Nazi plot to undermine the American auto industry with cheap, fuel efficient, oddly-shaped roadsters!

“Captain America in: Dutch Treat!”
Cap journeys to Amsterdam to help out the Dutch resistance, but when he goes to a local “coffee shop” he discovers that it’s all a smoke screen for the Nazis!

Autobot Hot Shot:

“The Red Skull’s Big Red Boner!”
Cap and Bucky must stop the Red Skull from going back in time and winning the heart of the future Mrs. Rogers, erasing our hero from existance!

RandomChance:

Cap and the Iceberg in “Lazy Day.” I’m picturing 23 nine-paneled pages where absolutely nothing happens. Polybagged,

Gagagalvatron:

“Balls of Steel”
The Red Skull and the Nazis imprison Cap in a giant pinball machine. Using his shield as a bumper, can Cap escape before the Red Skull lights up F-U-H-R-E-R and unleashes multiball?

JediCreeper:

Captain America in “Toro Toro Toro” in which Cap pairs up with the Human Torch’s sidekick and as they fight the Nazis, but more importantly, Cap spends 5 pages triying to find out why he’s called Toro, and not something fire related. (This story is best known for the scene in which, after being asked what “Bucky” has to do with America, Cap punches Toro in the mouth.)

“Mission Accomplished” a special comic published only for the military in which Cap single-handedly defeats every single thing America has ever been against. Watch him punch Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Chairman Mao, King George, Benedict Arnold, Mimes, Hippies and the French in the face… no dialogue, just punching

Istanbul82:

“Dear God, It’s Me Bucky”
Cap faces his toughest challenge yet when he must help Bucky deal with the challenges of puberty and his changing body.

Neuronin:

Captain America in…”A Dark and Stormy Night”
When the Red Skull uses the secrets of Castle Frankenstein to resurrect the Red Baron, the Star-Spangled Man With a Plan is sent by the OSS to recruit World War I’s greatest surviving Flying Ace! But can Cap get him ‘out of the doghouse’ and onto his Sopwith Camel before the Baron flattens vital Allied airfields along the Western Front?

Pumpkinguts:

Captain America in Universal Health Scare!- Captain America gets injured in a battle with Baron Mordo & realizes that his vibranim shield provides better coverage than his Blue Cross Blue Shield.

Dillon J.:

Captain America fights Stalin’s ghost in the body of homing pigeon in “Tales from the Commu-Nest”

Martianwinds:

Captain America in “The Great Symbol Swindle!”
1944: Through his diabolical machinations, the Red Skull steals all the mothers, apple pies, and baseballs in the U.S., dealing a crushing blow to American morale just as the country needs it the most. Travelling back in time, it is up to Captain America, Betsy Ross, Johnny Appleseed, and Honus Wagner to restore these beloved American institutions before it is too late.

readerofprey:

“Captain America and the Battle for America’s Libraries!”
Still settling into peacetime America, 1950’s Cap is shocked to find that this dastardly new invention of “tele-vision” is taking America’s youth away from mentally stimulating activities such as reading. Can he convince the children of America that books are still fun? Or will this new invention raise a generation of inept, incurious, uneducated voters?

“Captain America and the Second Battle for America’s Libraries!”
The same thing, but set in the ’80s and about videogames.

“Captain America and the Third Battle for America’s Libraries!”
1990s – This time it’s the internet.

“Captain America and the Fourth Battle for America’s Libraries!”
Whatever new technology old people are afraid of in 2030

Dylan Gray:

Captain America and the Invaders in the Toilet Paper Caper!- Cap and pals sneak into Hitler’s inner sanctum and remove all the toilet paper from it and petition toiletry companies to help stop the Hate Mongers war-machine by cutting off ties with the Third-Reich! Talk about doing your doodie!

TheRam:

“Gone Fisting”
Captain America teaches young women at a Bronx boxing club how to become effective pugilists.

Artemis:

“Test of Loyalty!”
When Bucky brings home a dog he found on the front lines, he hopes it can become a member of the Captain America team! But–what’s this! The dog’s a German Shepherd! Bucky learns his lesson and a dog gets kicked to death in this educational and heartwarming tale of patriotism!

Tredlow:

They Cloned Hitler!
A mad scientist cloned a dozen of Adolf Hitler clones and unleashed them upon the world! This is Cap’s easiest adventure, because Hitler is a normal human, and fighting a dozen of his clones is basically fighting a bunch of normal people.

The Ultimate Crisis!
Captain America’s watching TV and wants to change the channel, but the remote is all the way over there. This adventure is based on true events.

FlashZortt1:

“Mr. Rogers”
With the war over, Captain America is reassigned a new mission in which he is to educate the children of America via a new media called Public Broadcasting. Dawning a new costume consisting of a zip up sweater and tennis shoes, he teaches the children of America that they are special in each and every way.

Team Hellions:

Captain America and Little Susie B in “Women Will Suffrage No More!” (with the follow up adventure, “Captain America Looks Up the Meaning of Words”)

On a rare day off Steve Rogers goes for a ride. He follows some patriotic looking motorcycle club for what sounds like a fun day outside with music and proud Americans. Join Captain America for “Wrong Turn at Altamont!”

Katie Droscha:

“Project: Rebirth of an Awkward Situation “
Cap visits with Capt. Isaiah Bradley, and subsequently feels
very, very guilty.

Rustyspork:

“Captain America and the Seduction of the Innocent”
Cap visits a congressional hearing and punches Frederick Wertham in the face. He then takes his young platonic sidekick out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. Cap promises Bucky that nothing bad will ever happen to him.

Nonsensicles:

“Springtime for Red Skull!”
Broadway under siege! The Red Skull has hatched his most nefarious plot yet: By staging a hit musical play in New York City, the Skull’s agents will be able to plant the seeds of Nazism in the minds of unwitting theater lovers! Can Cap and Bucky infiltrate the cast and cause bad reviews to cripple the production before it can go on a national tour?

Steven_Romano:

“Captain America in Twenty-Three Skidon’t!”
Baron Pervensleezer is invading New York’s 23rd Street using his power over wind to blow womens’ dresses up for some sweet, sweet leg action… unless Captain America has anything to say about! It’s tight situations and tighter lederhosen in this tale to arouse!

“Captain America vs The Asylum”
It’s a race against time as Captain America must stop the delivery of The Asylum’s blatant ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’ ripoff, ‘U.S. Colonel: The Premiere Retaliater’ from reaching Walmart’s DVD bargain

Mark Harmon:

Captain America and the Binary Brouhaha.
After years of defeat at Cap’s hands, A.I.M. develops a new weapon that digitizes the Star Spangled Avenger. The evil scientists then upload Captain America into their special mainframe holding all of their most diabolical computer viruses. Cap is forced to battle his way through the cybernetic gauntlet and defeat the ruler of this digital realm: M.S.W.O.R.D.O.C. Can Captain America escape his pixelated prison before it’s too late?

MadMike:

“FDR’s Dance of Doom!” Captain America must disguise himself as President Roosevelt is expected to attend the War Bond Benefit Ball in D.C. and is expected to participate in the dance marathon! Twinkle-toed Cap, with his fancy footwork; must make sure that no one that suspects our beloved Commander-In-Chief has polio(or realizes what he knew before Pearl Harbor)! Then—Cap faces his terrifying challenge yet—taking over bedroom duties with Eleanor while FDR visits his mistress!!!

Now for the winners.

Steve C.:

“Milo to Go Before I Sleep!” : Captain America gets assigned to an airborne division off the coast of Italy, only to have his vibranium shield borrowed by an enterprising mess hall officer and swapped for three hundred eiderdown pillows. When Cap goes to retrieve his property, he finds out that… well, there’s a catch. Can the Captain defeat the psychotically ineffiencent bureacracy, or will he just throw up his hands and say, “Oh well, what the hell”?

“O Captain – Not My Captain!” : Disillusioned by the social upheaval of the late ’60s and long since retired, a reclusive Captain America emerges from his secret, government-guarded location and holds a press conference for the sole purpose of telling Reb Brown that, man, he really looks like an asshole in that stupid getup.

“The Day the Man Found the Men Finding Love!” : While chasing a HYDRA agent through an unfamiliar city, Cap gets lost and stumbles into an abandoned warehouse, where he witnesses Batman and RoboCop consummating their desires. The second half of the story consists entirely of Cap in a bar, chugging whiskey, murmuring, “…unclean…” and softly weeping.

A Catch-22 entry, an entry making fun of Reb Brown and an FFF-themed entry? Yeah, Steve C. wins.

Vatea42:

Captain America versus New Coke: When Captain America gets suspicious of the “new and improved” Coke formula, he begins to investigate. He begins to uncover a horrible conspiracy that that involves several government instiutions, the KGB, and American Egg Council. Can Captain America bring the truth to light and save an American classic?

Captain America in “Daschunds of Death” : Captain America must foil a Nazi plot when a top secret chemical in sauerkraut begins to activate several weiner dog sleeper agents. Ankle high havoc ensues.

Captain America meets the Three Stooges: Follow Captain America as he discovers the sinister truth behind Curly’s Unamerican aganda. Will Captain and Bucky be sucessful as they attempt to replace Curly with true patriot Shemp?

It’s entirely possible Vatea42 would have won solely for the phrase “Curly’s Un-American Agenda” but “ankle high havoc ensues” cinches it.

Midwest_Avenger:

Captain American in “How the hell do I throw my shield and have it come back to me every single time even when there are no flat surfaces?” Captain America searches for a scientist to explain why Cap’ can always have his shield return to him even when there are no flat or hard surfaces.

Captain America in “camouflage”. After Cap gets shot in the bushes hiding from Red Skull’s goons, he starts to learn about camouflage from the Howling Commando’s. Cap learns a valuable lesson of not wearing extremely bright red, white and blue colors to avoid attracting attention to himself on the battlefield.

Captain America with special guest Wolverine in “Writer’s Dilemma”. Cap and Wolverine finally try to settle what is stronger, Cap’s shield or Wolverine’s claws? Only an epic battle and a late night with marvel writers who have painted themselves into a corner will tell!

Did Midwest_Avenger win solely because his username includes to word “Avenger”? No. Of course not. Don’t be silly. He won because all his entries made me giggle, especially the first.

And that is that, people. As always. congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone for entering, and again, much thanks to 80s Tees for sponsoring this weekend’s contest.