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Crisis on Infinite Rebooting Other Comics: And the Winners Are…


?I don’t appear to have much of an intro in me this week, so please enjoy the latest and extremely relevant Let’s Be Friends Again webcomic (a personal favorite of mine) and then move on past the jump to the HMs and winners when you’re ready. No rush. They’re not going anywhere.


First, I’d like to give a very special Honorable Mention to Ryan Colson, who took the time and effort to give Marvel a whole new 52 of their own. Unfortunately, his entry was well over a thousand words long, and thus much too huge to be listed here — although you can read it here if you’re so inclined. I just didn’t want him to think his work went unnoticed. Now for the other HMs:


James Johnston:

Jean Grey is back and now has sex with anyone she wants.
Mostly she sleeps with the new X-Men member Wudd Jinick who has the power of everything.
I swear this is for feminism.


Chyromania:

Prof. X now uses Facebook to locate new mutants. Onslaught is the byproduct of his rage over the new “Timeline” and “Ticker” features.


Someguy:

Archie is actually a female dressing like a boy because she was kidnapped from awful parents to loving parents (basically saving her life) but to keep suspicion away has to pretend to be a boy. Now she has Veronica, Betty, and even Josie from Josie and the pussycats fighting for her attention. Being a girl she now fights with thoughts of keeping her secret, and her emotional state (internal conflict pretending to be a boy could she love like a boy while also having feelings for the boys she hangs out with as well)


NicMiller:

In an attempt to bring new interest to Spawn : HE is now a 13 year old Chinese WOW Gold Farmer by day who waits for gold and rares to “spawn”. By night, she’s a volunteer for Chris Hansen and dateline as a chatroom sex predator decoy.


Infrafan:

Spawn is made into a half African-American/half Hispanic gay male whose “partner” is Terry, and the name of the comic is altered to “Adoptive Spawn.” This will backfire when the Republicans/Christian Fundamentalists try to make a point that there’s no surprise he went to Hell and became a demon fighting for Satan as the Westboro Baptist Church try and show up at a fictional Al Simmons’ military funeral.


Mythbri:

Axe Cop is no longer written by a six-year-old. Rather, he is written by Rob Liefield.


TheDarkPhoenix:

During backstory, Sue Storm has an affair with Ben Grimm before the Fantastic Four is launched into space resulting in their empowerment. Reed finds out, and is okay with it because he too had an affair with Ben in the early days of their friendship.


Kaoy:

Rorschach lives! He is found to be alive once the DCnU makes its way up to Batman, Inc., and he is revealed to be the new representative-Batman of New York City.


Alex:

The Walking Dead: Rick Grimes is now a horse. Fuck it, everyone is horses. The Walking Dead is now The Trotting Dead.

Spiderman now looks and acts exactly like Troy from Community. In an odd coincidence, Donald Glover leaves Community and is replaced with Tobey Macguire.


VindicaSean:

Alexandra DeWitt (Kyle Rayner’s be-fridged girlfriend) takes the mantle of The Spectre. Something finally *can* kill a Maytag.


InTheGarage:

The existance, if not full understanding of, the X gene causing mutation, has been known to governments around the world since the early 50s. This leads to a situation like the 50 state initiative teams, but on a global scale. Most use their teams for black ops or civil unrest, but there are teams that are more recognizable, though their mutations are passed off as great technologies or the results of laboratory accidents or exposure to “gamma radiation”. The X-men do not answer to any government, and have a tougher time recruiting members as many are poached by their home governments.


MacDuff:

Superman is now a hipster who dresses in the S-shirt, a red cape, skinny jeans, and horned-rimmed glasses. He has no powers, but will complain about how many problems are in the world while refusing to do anything about it. He also begs for change because he is too lazy to go to an atm.


Fanboy:

Dark Horse’s The Goon now features a dumb, hulking talking gorilla named Goon traveling the globe in a jalopy with his cowardly best pal Franky, solving mysteries while trying to stay one step ahead of that mean ol’ Sheriff Buzzard and his sidekick Deputy Namelessman. First issue features special guest star Charo.


Ridureyu:

Doctor Strange: Because we fear that having him use “magic” might alienate both religious and irreligious comic readers, Doctor Strange’s powers now all come from a piece of alien technology called “VISHANT1.” It is also a gun.


He Who Cannot Be Named:

Ultimate Uatu is revealed to be Ceiling Cat.


Lonestarr:

Let’s reboot the Nintendo Comics System! This one’s long and might not count since I’m doing several different comics, but here goes.

Nintendo Crisis- It all starts here. This massive crisis crossover brings the entire Nintendoverse together, explores it’s origins and connections between characters and features everybody acting terribly out of character. Look for the Stan Lee-esque Shigeru Miyamoto cameo in issue 3. Oh and The Flash dies.

52 brand new titles will spin off, featuring all the big names of course. But minor characters like Birdo and Knuckle Joe will also be getting their own titles, and Judd Winick will attempt to make it all culturally relevant as only he can. So yes, Link will be gay (officially), Samus will be incompetent, Waluigi will be black, Daisy (and possibly Wario) will have an eating disorder, and none of it will make any fucking sense. Just a few of the more interesting titles:

Captain N: The Game Master- In the wake of “Nintendo Crisis”, Kevin Keene brings together Nintendo’s biggest stars to defend the Nintendoverse as a whole, facing threats no single hero can handle alone. Also starring Mario, Luigi, Link, Zelda, Samus, Fox McCloud (to be replaced by Falco when Fox becomes an alcoholic and gets kicked off the team), Donkey Kong, Kirby and Ness! Villains to include Mother Brain, Bowser, Ganondorf, Jack Thompson, that fucking dog from Duck Hunt (the mastermind), and Bobby Kotick, amongst others.

Super Mario Bros Inc.- Mario and Luigi decide to take their hero-ing global and set up Mario Bros. franchises all over the Nintendoverse and beyond. Thrill to the exploits of the bishounen pretty boy Final Fantasy Mario Bros, the Madden Mario Bros (Boom!), the suvival horror Mario Bros. (Pyramid Head and Wesker!), and you’ve already seen the GTA Mario Bros…

The Legend of Zelda- Link, Zelda, and the annoying fairy (modeled on Julia Roberts in Hook) investigate and attempt to put the LoZ video game timeline in proper order, while trying to keep their evil CD-i versions from entering and destroying their universe.

Super Metroid Prime- In a small but important change, Samus has all her power-ups and can use them at will from the very beginning of the series.


DoctorSmashy:

Hank Pym is now the leader of the Avengers and all his stories will now revolve around him organising fundraisers for New York’s feminists and watching Sex and the City DVDs with Wasp whilst massaging her feet and doing the washing up. You hated him as Giant Man but prepare to admire and appreciate his thoughtfullness as the Female Respecter!


Michael Ivey:

Human Torch is now an android.
Conversely, Human Torch is now a human.
Yes, this response makes sense if you know your Marvel U.


skrag2112:

Since Kaboom is launching a new Peanuts comic in November, here is a list of changes.

1. Charlie Brown and Linus are on a ‘Supernatural’-like quest against the evil beings in their neighborhood. They fight such foes as the Kite Eating Tree, the dreaded Queen Snake and ultimately face off against the Great Pumpkin. He is defeated when Linus no longer thinks he is sincere enough.

2. Snoopy imagines he is now a delusional Vietnam vet who was held prisoner by the VC for 10 years. He keeps having flashbacks and goes on violent shooting rampages occasionally shouting “Curse you Ho Chi Minh!”

3. Schroeder is now gay. This only makes Lucy want him more.


The Lewd Ood:

Watchmen is “re-booted” to tell the story of the rock world’s first super group “The Watchmen” — freaturing Ozzy Mandius on vocals, “Crazy” Eddie Blake on lead guitar, Dan Dreiberg on bass, “Dr. Jon” Osterman on piano, Laurie Silk on backing vocals / tambourine and Walter “Animal” Rorschach on the drums.

We see them come together following a tragic plane crash that killed the first “Watchmen”, which was a folk / doo-wop group in the 40’s & 50’s, watch them find super success never before dreamed of during their solo & previous band careers, and and find love and comraderie amongst each other, even in the face of the Cold War. Unfortunately drugs, booze, women and the hard-living rock n’ roll lifestyle tears our heroes’ band apart, and we watch them all self-destruct during the tour for their final studio album “Super-Destructive Space Squid”.


Paul F – SkullsForTots:

Hagar the Horrible becomes a significantly more realistic comic. Expect villages to be razed, women to lament, and Eddie to be killed off because he is too weak to survive.

Dr. McNinja is now about a doctor from the big city who moves to a small town to establish his business. Expect wacky hi-jinks as he can’t find a Starbucks within a two hour drive!


Michael Ivey:

The Sonic the Hedgehog comics Archie produces splinters into 52 titles.
Sadly, 51 of these 52 titles all star Sonic recolors; many of whom are pulled straight from DeviantArt.
And the remaining book prominently features every female character in the comic;but in heat and anatomically correct. Attempting to screw anything they can get their hands on.
And the worst parts of the fandom (which unfortunately appear to be quite large segments) will buy it in droves.


Oreithyia:

A ‘misunderstood teen’ in alienated by his peers in his generic yet ethnically inclusive high school. He is completely gorgeous with pale skin and inexplicably moody with no personality. A similarly moody yet gorgeous girl with pale skin and no personality who is new in town gets his attention and discovers him to be super strong, faster than possible, and interested in what an obvious metaphor for awkward sex. The one word title?

Blade.


Travis:

Marvel’s title “Cloak and Dagger” as re-imagined by the DCnU:
Our star writing team includes Scott Lobdell and Rob Liefeld, expanding his titles from Hawk & Dove. This provides that wonderful “early 90’s” feel that so many of the DCnU comics seem to be going for.

Small Changes: It is revealed that Cloak and Dagger’s powers actually come from light & weather spectrum elemental forces, which sets up future battles against other light & weather spectrum characters like: “Dusk”, “Twilight”, “Mostly Cloudy”, “Somewhat Rainy” and “Drizzling Shits Rain”. Is this confusing? Yes.

Medium Changes: Cloak’s powers get crappy when he is feeling sad because Dagger doesn’t love him more. If only Dagger would love him more.

Big Changes: Dagger is a lesbian. She’s never going to love Cloak more. Twist~!

Also, because it’s a DCnU title, it will be canceled by issue 10.


Krakes:

Instead of “Sweet Christmas” Luke Cage says “Sweet Holidays”
Spiderman must now be bitten by a radioactive spider every 30 days, or he loses his powers.
Stilt-Man is now the mastermind behind all of the villains of the Marvel Universe


Matthew Hall:

The next universe changing event from Marvel comics… House of Collars. Where every superhero and Supervillian’s costume gets a collar. Even Galactus gets a mighty collar. Collars.


Green Hipster:

1.) Captain America Reboot. Instead of being a product of the “super soldier serum”, Steve Rogers is instead the latest descendant of a family of heroes who have fought for America in secret since 1776. Will Steve defy his families wishes and become a more public figure? We’ll learn more with his first day at his families secret organization B.U.C.K.Y.

2.) The Metal Men now look like the Silver Hawks.


Wedgie Antilles:

Fantastic Four: In a good news / bad news event, Doctor Doom gets his Doctorate revoked and must now be called “Mister Doom”. The flipside is that of course he is given a Rainbow Unicorn to ride. TR Pandering Change.


Ryan McGrail:

Punisher is killed, and this time he comes back as a dolphin. He has razor-fins, a jet-pack and shoots white phosphorous out of his blow-hole. The new comic will be called Frankenflipper. The main villain is Barracuda, who is now a real Barracuda.


Arivalscientist:

The Family Circus—–Now in a square panel


MacGyver:

Sandman Part 2: Dream Strikes Back!

After his powers over the dream world are stolen again by a cabal of cultists, Dream takes action….With a vengeance! Armed with the latest in military technology, firearms, and explosives, Dream carves a path of blood and violence through their ranks to regain what is rightfully his, and make sure that they never….dream….again!


Ectogwarb:

The Preacher – Instead of Jesse Custer trying to find God, the word ‘God’ is replaced with a blank space for the reader to write in their deity of choice, an additional blank page is at the end for pantheists who need room for the names of multiple gods, and a special edition is available for atheists where Custer is wandering the world for no real reason.


Roehampton FilmSociety:

In the new Transmetropolitan: Spider Jerusalem got his namesake tattoo from being bitten by Ultimate-universe Spider-Man.


Thomas Hale:

In the ‘Iron Man’ reboot, it’s revealed that Tony Stark paid Kevin Smith to make Batman shit himself in ‘The Widening Gyre’.

To diversify, the new Marvel pantheon of Asgard will include JFK, Anubis, Judas Iscariot, Tupac Shakur, George Takei, Heat Miser, Frankenberry and Richard Reed’s toupee.


Kris:

Franklin Richards Son of a Genius becomes Franklin Castle, Son of Punishment. He carries machine guns taller than him. H.E.R.B.I.E is the Destroyer. Katie Power, (whose Power Pack uniform is now a yellow bikini) asks listlessly “Do you want to have tea with me? I have tea when I want with who I want.”


Gagagalvatron:

In order to make it easier for new readers, Marvel decides to make everyone’s name simpler and more descriptive. Wanda Maximoff’s insanity is revealed to be caused by her inability to remember people’s names, so she changes all the mutants in the world to something her children (they’re back) can remember. In the first issue, Red Eyebeam Guy, Weather Girl, Snikty Claw Man and Shiny Metal Guy are joined by Stretchy Guy and See-Through Chick as they plan to track down Wanda, who was last seen in the company of Dr. Scary Metal Face and Freaky Bighead Robot. A planned issue starring Strong Guy is put on hiatus while Marvel editors decide who will be in it.


Steve C.:

Milk and Cheese? Now they’re soy.


Justus:

1. Wonder Woman now wears baggy sweatpants, for comfort while fighting crime.
2. Firestorm is now three people
3. In a major twist, it turns out Joe Chill was actually a time traveling Bruce Wayne.


Nik:

In an effort to bring back the Sandman comics, Neil Gaiman’s The Endless will be all be replaced by the cast of the Jersey Shore to make the series more popular.

Destiny: Pauly D will replace Destiny, for no reason, really. He drops in now and then to drop mad beats.Dream/Sandman: Vinnie will replace Dream because, in comparison to the others, he’s pretty boring and can easily put people to sleep.Destruction: J-Wow will replace Destruction, because she will cut a bitch.Death: Snookie will replace Death, because who doesn’t want a slutty oompa-loompa to take you to the great beyond?Desire/Despair: Once twins in the original comic, now they will be replaced with Sammi as Desire and Ronnie as Despair. Although the names are pretty much interchangeable, depending on the issue.Delirium: The Situation will replace Delirium, because in the original comics, human minds were not made to comprehend her domain. So that’s pretty self-explanatory.


SuperZADL:

Reboot Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, but geared even more towards the Twilight crowd.
Now instead of actually killing people, he mopes about talking to himself himself, stalking but never touching the objects of his hatred, until he meets Devi, a budding young artist who sees the lonely and tortured soul behind the eyes of the Homicidal Maniac who just can’t allow himself to kill.

There’s no hope for Happy Noodle Boy however, who remains exactly the same, thus creating the inevitable conflict for Devi’s affections. Only Devi’s nephew Squee can bring her to her senses, so that she realizes that Johnny is actually coherent and Happy Noodle Boy is just a stickman.
This is of course all narrated by Filler Bunny, who is a sage advisor of some kind.


Batgirl311:

I don’t know if this is some kind of crazy fever dream I had years ago or if this is actually something I ran into and just forgot about:
Alfred was actually a professional hitman paid to kill Thomas Wayne, and only took on the position as a butler to get better access to him. After accidentally murdering both Bruce’s mother and father in front of him Alfred is overcome with guilt and realizes the errors of his ways. In an effort to redeem his past wrongs he vows to watch after Bruce, and to teach him everything he knows about combat and Gotham’s seedy underbelly so that he can one day fight it. Alfred never reveals his true identity to Bruce, and struggles with his own guilt his whole life.


Joshua Daniel:

X-Men: Wolverine is now the headstrong leader and Cyclops is the loner badass. Jean grey is alive and still doesn’t know which to pick, so she has sex with both of them. Later, Cyclops and Wolverine brofist over this.


CapsulesnCoffee:

Spiderman: Taking it’s que from DC, Aunt May is now a soulless fuck doll.
Batman: Joker goes back to using the term “boner” again. Frequently.


RandomChance:

Cable finds out that through a series of unexpected time-travel hijinks, he is fated to become his own great-grandmother. Deadpool gleefully reminds him of this fact every. single. issue.


Wonder Pigeon:

In a DC-style timeline clusterfuck, Marvel retcons mutants to only having existed in the last five years. Despite this, everything about Wolverine is still in continuity, it’s just taken place in the last five years. He was spent time living with 19th century Native Americans, lived as a samurai in Japan, had a child, all in the last five years


Mittens:

Peanuts is rebooted, and the football gag is replaced with Lucy offering to play World of Warcraft with Charlie then pulling out his internet cable.


LucienMorningstar:

In response to criticism from fans, Marvel and DC relaunch all their books with well rounded female characters that behave realistically and have more realistic, non over inflated anatomy. Also, they finally figure out how to write interesting marriages instead of just taking the easy not married route.


Robert:

All of the Punisher’s guns are now walkie talkies.


Halibut:

Batman, The Early Years: After being expelled from Gotham high for accidently blowing up the chemistry lab, young Bruce Wayne is sent to live on his Aunt Harriet’s farm in nearby Smallville. While attending Smallville High, he meets a young Clark Kent, an angsty youngster who is secretly dealing with both the onset of super powers as well as a teenager’s greatest enemy: Hormones! After a meteor shower begins to grant the townsfolk strange and bizzare powers, Bruce and Clark start up their own teenage detective agency called the Teen Titans! Alongside beautiful and quirky fellow classmate Diana Prince (Clark’s childhood friend who’s affections Clark and Bruce have been competing for), the three solve mysteries while dealing with not only the pressures of high school, but the nosy snooping of class president Lex Luthor and his sniveling red-baseball cap wearing assistant, Jack “The Joker” Napier!


GoufCustom:

In the new Green Lantern Corps, the rings have a new limitation: they can only create huge guns, shoulder pads, and pouches. None of the Lanterns are pleased by this development, and shout angrily at each other while squatting. Art by Rob Liefeld.

And now for the winners:


Batzarro:

I think the continuity of Archie’s title shas become way too confusing for newcomers. Therefore, I propose a relaunch of all Archie Books. As follows.

Archie #1–
Archie is now just starting at Riverdale, so we can get a fresh look at how it all started. Jughead is now Black and Moose is Asian. Also, a new character Derry Pan shows up. S/he is an Innuit lesbian atheist in a wheelchair.

Betty and Veronica #1–
Betty has been retconned to be Archie’s childhood friend. Veronica has been Retconned to be poor. I mean, extremely poor.

Casper #1 —
Casper the friendly ghost has been retooled into a young adult romance tale. I don’t need to be more specific than that.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch #1–
Sabrina Spellman starts out the same, but every main character dies in the first book so they can apear in Casper #1 and cause sexual tension.

Baby Huey #1–
A story of alienation and fear starring an anthropomorphic duck in a diaper.

Sonic the Hedgehog DIY #1–
An uncolored, unlettered comic that allow you, the fans,to create your own adventures with “original” Sonic characters.

So I can have that chief editor position now?

Disabled Lesbian Inuits? Needless character retcons? Re-envisioning
classic series with bizarre and inappropriate takes? A “story of alienation
and fear starring an anthropomorphic duck in a diaper”? All good, but
the Sonic idea takes comics reboots to its most logical, brilliant
conclusion — let’s just make everything a damn coloring book. As for winner #2…

Dillon J.:

Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham is replaced with Miles Boar-ales, who is actually half-boar and comes from a slightly different background. Hundreds that had never even heard of Spider-Ham before become outraged by the change and it winds up becoming a serious issue major news organizations begin covering, not realizing the change doesn’t mean anything, really.

I need not say a word — Dillon J. has explained the flipside of reboots — the harmless ones that still enrage fans –perfectly. Frankly, I think Marvel should cut Dillon J. a check for Miles Boar-ales right this minute, no questions asked. Anyways, that’s that! Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered.