7 Teen Monsters That Aren’t Totally Lame
?If there’s one trend of the last decade or so more mind-numbingly horrific than Jersey Shore, the Tea Party Movement, and Justin Bieber combined, it’s the pervasive and seemingly unstoppable “Twilight-ification” of our most beloved horror films and books, and the monsters featured therein.
Not satisfied with simply ruining vampires for an entire generation, this hellish phenomenon has spread like the plague it is, as seen in the new pitiful excuse for a Hellraiser sequel, and the downright sacrilegious Howling reboot.
With this in mind, now is a good time to look to the past, and remember that there was indeed a time when adolescent fiends did more than simply sparkle and mope, and young Lycanthropes weren’t merely shirtless Abercrombie and Fitch models.
Thus, I’ve compiled a list of teenage creatures of the night that are actually interesting, badass, or just downright hilarious. I grant you there is an abundance of vampires on this list — but only because there’s simply a larger number of the undead among the 13-19 demographic than any other type of supernatural baddie.Still, I think you’ll enjoy this collection of seven awesome monsters too young to drink, but old enough to slaughter.
7) Jeremy Capello, My Best Friend Is a Vampire
?Okay, so My Best Friend Is A Vampire didn’t exactly wow the critics back in 1988, but it’s a charming little piece of ’80s retro cinema that’s held up remarkably well. Robert Sean Leonard is Jeremy, a typical American teen that just happens to have vampirism piled on top of the usual problems of adolescence.
Plus, the flick features Rene “Constable Odo” Auberjonois as Jeremy’s metrosexual vampire mentor, and the irreplaceable David Warner as a crazed vampire hunter.
6) Beent, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Movie
I fully admit that I’m a bigger fan of BTVS as a film than as a series; Rutger Hauer’s never not awesome, Paul Reubens was tremendous, it remains the coolest thing Luke Perry’s EVER done, and quite frankly, I think Kristy Swanson’s worth 10 Sarah Michelle Gellars. And before the Scream films and Courtney Cox, David Arquette was remarkably entertaining as Benny, vampirized best bud of Luke Perry’s Pike. Watch him here in the film’s take on the classic “I’m Okay! Let Me In!” scene that pops up inevitably in every vampire movie. (The sound is for shit, so you’ll need to crank up the volume — sorry!)
5) Armand, Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles
?Remember back in the ’90s when we thought Anne Rice’s horde of rabid fangirls (and boys) was the worst thing that could happen to the popular image of vampirism? Those were the days! Truth is, the first half-dozen or so of her books weren’t all that bad, and the eternally 16-year-old pal of Marius, Armand, was a pretty badass character. Over 500 years old, young-looking Armand ran a coven of devil-worshipping bloodsuckers, started the Theatre des Vampires, and drove poor Daniel Molloy (the “Interviewer” from the book that started it all) batshit insane… not bad by today’s sparkly standards!
I went with an artist’s rendering of the character because Armand just hasn’t been done any justice in film. Antonio Banderas did his best, but it’s tough for a fan of the novels to buy him as a 16-year-old Ukrainian boy. As for his portrayal in the adaptation of Queen of the Damned, I cannot say, for I live in a carefully constructed personal reality where that film was never allowed to happen.
4) Nathan, Boy Eats Girl
A few months back I did a list of Nerd-Dom’s Most Likeable Zombies where I gave well deserved props to teen zombie Johnny Dingle of My Boyfriend’s Back. Well, if you enjoyed that film, do yourself a favor and check out this brilliant black comedy from 2005 — it’s ten times funnier, fifty times bloodier, and 100% Irisher!
Nathan (David Leon) is a typical young Irishman who hangs himself in his bedroom when he thinks his best friend/longtime crush (the breathtaking Samantha Mumba) has jilted him for another guy.
Enter Mom, an archaeologist who brings Nathan back from the dead with a Necronomicon-type spellbook. Nathan, while at first apparently no worse for his trip back from the Great Beyond, soon begins noshing on his classmates. More zombies are thus created, and undead shenanigans ensue.
3) Evil Ed, Fright Night
Fright Night was one of the best vampire movies of the ’80s. I’m on the fence concerning its newly released reboot, but I can say that I doubt it’ll have any vampires as fun to watch as Stephen Geoffreys’ Evil Ed!
The kid quite simply had a blast being undead, and he also represented a kind of vampire movie audiences weren’t all that used to in 1985. For one, he was bitten by a dude, violating the long-standing unspoken rule that Hollywood vamps should only prey upon and/or turn the opposite sex. Also, he submitted willingly to Chris Sarandon’s Jerry Dandridge. Ed was one of us, see? An A-1 certified Geek (of the horror fan variety specifically), and The Vampire Jerry promised that under his “protection”, he’d never be picked on or laughed at again. That indeed would’ve been quite an enticing offer to me when I was a teen!
Oh, interesting biographical note: A few years after the release of Fright Night, Geoffreys took up bodybuilding, and under the stage name of Sam Ritter became a gay porn star (no, really!), appearing in such films as (I swear I’m not making these up) Butt Blazers and Cock Pit.
The things you learn writing Topless Robot lists…
2) Oz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV Series
Please don’t think due to my earlier statements that I have anything against BTVS as a show! It was an original and brilliantly written series (though as far as Whedon properties go, I’m a much bigger fan of Angel and Firefly), and Seth Green’s Oz was one of the best aspects of the earlier seasons.
A marvelous return to form for Lycanthropy, Oz doesn’t have the luxury of changing where and when he pleases, and he doesn’t get to retain his human faculties — when the moon’s full, he locks himself in a cage to avoid hurting innocent people, though studying meditation techniques in Tibet does later offer him a measure of control over his bestial half.
Almost more than for his unfortunate condition, Oz is known for being the first and only boyfriend of Willow Rosenberg (geek goddess Alyson Hannigan), the lovely young witch who would later (ahem) “switch teams,” much to Oz’s chagrin. Oz is my favorite Seth Green character (even beating out Scott Evil), especially since he displayed the tragedy and hardship of the werewolf condition in a way so rarely seen nowadays.
1) David, The Lost Boys
If directing The Lost Boys doesn’t make up for Joel ‘Batnipples’ Schumacher’s Bat-movies, it sure comes close.
Kiefer Sutherland is in rare form here, playing the only villain character that could possibly top his role as Stand By Me‘s Ace Merrill. David is the head of a local teen motorcycle gang in Santa Clara, California, the “Murder Capitol of the World” (an appellation David and his pals are largely responsible for).
Now these sons of bitches are REAL vampires! Not content to gently bite the tender throats of lovely virgins, these dudes tear their victims up like undead wood chippers!
David has the charisma and force of personality to keep his brood of monsters in check, and to nearly sway Michael Emerson (Jason Patric) over to his happy crew of blood-crazed immortals. For your viewing pleasure, here’s David’s last stand.