?There’s nothing I can say in the intro to this weekend’s fabulous contest that would be a quarter as interesting as the many, many unbelievably hilarious entries I got, so I’ll only say two things: 1) infinite thanks to FigureoftheDay.com, the site that offers a new great deal on awesome toys and collectibles every day, for sponsoring this weekend’s contest. Please go check ’em out (they have a First Appearance Batman statue on sale today!). 2) Reading these entries made me realize I really need to own All-Star Batman and Robin. Yes, it’s a terrible Batman comic, but it’s still massively entertaining. If it had been called “What if Frank Miller were Batman?” it would have been far more accurate and been hailed as the masterpiece of insanity it is. Anyways, the HMs and winners are after the jump.
Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? These are the goddamn Honorable Mentions.
The Lewd Ood:
Goddamn Batman exponentially increases the carbon output of all Wayne Enterprises factories, rapidly increasing global warming in order to melt the polar ice caps, just so The Penguin has to witness all of his flightless sea-fowl brethren perish.
Batman: Takes on a known killer of Men. Title: The Batman takes on Prostate Cancer bare handed.
Batman prowls around and gives specific age men unsolicited prostate exams.
To prevent any potential problem from ever arising because of it, The Goddamn Batman removes the part of his brain that remains vulnerable to Aquaman because humans evolved from sea life or whatever that BS is about. He does this by himself using only his bare hands and a rusty batarang. The only damage it causes is making him slightly less(!) insane.
The Goddamn Batman invites Aquaman out to dinner as a friendly gesture to make up for his pissing off the entire Justice League. When Aquaman arrives at the given location however, he discovers Batman sitting in a seafood restaurant, wearing a dead squid on his head and bathing in a bowl full of caviar. He proceeds to hurl goldfish at Aquaman until everybody leaves him alone.
Rather than solve the recent string of homicides on Arkham Island, The Goddamn Batman decides to hold a breakdancing competition between himself and the rest of the DC universe in order to establish once and for all who among them is dense and/or retarded. None survive.
Goddamn Batman sends Superman a bag of jelly beans (which everyone knows is Superman’s favorite snack (I made this up)), but inside each jelly bean he inserted microscopic amounts of kryptonite. He spent days carefully, almost surgically, inserting these tiny pieces of kyrptonite into each and every jelly bean. Then, when he knows Supes has eaten the entire bag, he goes and kicks him in the dick, because Goddamn Batman is so crazy he somehow found out about that whole “Red Son” thing, and didn’t like that there’s a universe out there where Superman is a Communist.
Goddamn Batman breaks up Gotham City’s “Occupy Wall Street” protest, because he is the goddamn 1%.
The Goddamn Batman: Year One (Spoiler alert)
Batman crashes a dinner party attended by Gotham’s corrupt politicians and criminals and pees on their dinner instead of in his pants
He punches Catwoman in the boob for interrupting while he was listening to Falcone’s plan against Gordon
He “Sharon Stones” Jim Gordon instead of Barbara
The Goddamn Batman forces Robin to ride a goddamn ostrich, because there is no way in hell some bird themed pussy is going shotgun in the Batmobile.
For some inexplicable reason the members of the Justice League entrust The Godman Batman with their secret identies and the weaknesses of their superpowers. The excuse they give is that he’s the only one who can stop them if he goes rogue, but its really just that Frank Miller didn’t give a shit.
Being the Godamn Batman, he immediately leaks the information to all their arch-enemies, and laughs his ass off at the results. After single handedly taking on all the villains and saving his royally pissed team mates, he explains his actions as a lesson to teach them their powers don’t make them indestructible, as well as proving he’s so much cooler then the rest of them.
Because this is a Frank Miller comic, everyone agrees with his fucked up reasoning and concludes by saying “Gee Whiz, Batman sure makes us look like a lame bunch of faggots!”. Superman walks off in an impotent huff, because Frank Miller thinks Superman is lame and goes out of the way to portray him as such. Wonder Woman simpers, moans pornographically after The Godamn Batman, and then they have creepily graphic, specific sex. Wonder Woman makes particular mention of how she likes being dominated by violent abusive men, because Frank Miller bitches! Comes with bonus preview of Frank Miller’s The Spirit 2!
The Goddamn Batman invites Lois Lane to see his version of the Fortress of Solitude. And by fortress he means his pants and by Solitude he means his erect cock.
The Goddamn Batman kills whoever is currently making that new goddamn Batman cartoon where Alfred wields a gun because even the Goddamn Batman finds that too retarded and awful to exist.
The Goddam Batman goes after the women of DC until they are all satisfied. No longer needing to dress slutty the women of DC comics wear costumes that do not double as stripper costumes and people actually stop complaining about oversexed comics. This will be made into a 52 issue epic called Crisis on Infinite G-Spots.
Archie Meets The Goddamn Batman
As his actions are leading to a lot of public criticism of the Justice League, Superman tries to show The Goddamn Batman that the world doesn’t have to be as grim and dark as he believes by taking him on a tour of Riverdale. On returning to Gotham he considers everything he’s seen and makes his way to Arkham, busts the Joker out and flies him over to Riverdale (strapped to the roof of the Batwing). Joker is dropped off in the town centre and told to “Show them what you do”
Some time later Batman returns and walks through the suburban nightmare, grabbing the few survivors and screaming “DO YOU FUCKING SEE?! DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM!!?”
In an effort to further strike fear into the hearts of criminals, the Goddamn Batman starts to make his cape and cowls out of real bats. Most people don’t think this is crazy at first (after all, the non-Goddamn Batman did the same while traveling through time), except he starts making the rest of his allies wearing skins of their namesakes: Batgirl’s outfit follows the same model as his, Robin’s outfit is sewn from robins’ feathers plucked from their bodies, Nightwing’s outfit is made out of the wings of owls and other nocturnal birds. Just when they think he couldn’t get anymore fucked up, he remembers that his outfit doesn’t cover the “Man” part of his name…
The Goddamn Batman has his own version of “Bat-Mite,” only he calls it the “Goddamn Bat-Might” and it involves a small bat suit placed on his penis.
GD Batman Year One did not piss his pants. GD Batman Year One did not wear pants.
Not caring that it pisses off WonderWoman, in the Watchtower, the Goddam Batman ALWAYS leaves the seat up.
The Goddamn Batman in: It’s Better That Way. Batman proceeds to hook up with Black Canary again, but this time makes her dress up as Robin. Then Alfred. Then Batman.
#1 The Goddamn Batman brings to bear the full might of the research wing of Wayne technologies in order to find a cure for Paralysis, allowing Barbara Gordon to walk again. All so he can have sex with her and tell Commissioner Gordon what a goddamn good lay his daughter is.
#2 The Goddamn Batman uses his secret identity as Bruce Wayne to set up massive insider trading schemes between Batman Inc. and Wayne Enterprises. He then uses the money to finance a forced rematch between Super Man and Muhammad Ali. He does not spend the money on curing Parkinson’s first.
The Goddamn Batman installs a transponder in Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet. At random intervals, he moves the jet short distances, anywhere from 10 to 100 feet. Half the time he sees Wonder Woman, he comments how women get forgetful as they get older. The other half of the time, he insults women drivers. Batman hypnotizes himself to reveal Guy Gardner as the culprit should Wonder Woman attempt to use her lasso on him.
The Goddamned Batman shot a man named Darkseid, just to watch him die.
Batman uses his vast amount of wealth to the rehabilitation all of his villains, physical and metal scars are healed. Six months later Batman out of bordem does and rescares every one of them, tossing Joker back into acid, setting two face on fire, but only one one half (the oppisite side as before).
He then has a three way with Lois Lane and Lana Lang and gives them both a kryptonite infused STD so that Superman will always feel the burn of the Bat when he pees.
Also Catwoman is a hooker again, so is Batgirl, and Alfred, you know what it is Frank Miller, everyone is a hooker now.
The Goddamn Batman once successfully evacuated a burning orphanage. Out of the kindness of his Goddamn heart he gave them all a new home. Though very few made it to graduation day at Robin Academy. Many contracted diseases from eating rats in the cold, dank Batcave. Several died from the sheer fear put forth by their new Goddamn Headmaster. One kid shit himself so hard his heart came out. It was the proudest Goddamn day of the Goddamn Batman’s life.
1.) The Goddamn Batman puts nipples on his Batsuit so everyone knows how alert he is.
2.) The Goddamn Batman trademarks likeness rights and catchphrases for all the villains in Gotham city.
3.) The Goddamn Batman renames Dick Grayson’s alter ego “Pearl-breasted Swallow” because he thinks “Robin” is too gay.
God appears in Gotham City, walks up to Batman, and says ‘Damn you.’
A single tear runs down Batman’s cheek.
Miller’s Batman meets Miller’s Superman in a fight. This time, Superman has all of his anti-kryptonite measures in place, flies into the air, and uses his super-speed-beyond-human-comprehension to attack the still-mortal and still-human BAtman, who should crumple after one super-strong punch.
But since MillerBatman is invincible and MillerSuperman is a worthless dork, Batman punches Superman, and he explodes. Then a bunch of prostitutes (who look suspiciously like Frank Miller’s coworkers) have sex with Batman for the rest of the comic.
It’s a giant-sized double issue.
The Goddamn Batman, when meeting vegan animal rights supporter Animal Man for the first time, enjoys a massive steak, waxing poetic about its delicious flavor. Before leaving, he reveals that the steak came from the last living Cross River Gorilla.
Goddamn Batman and the Red Hawk
After the death of yet ANOTHER Robin, the Goddamn Batman decides he’s going to get it right this time. He adopts several orphans simultaneously and pits them against one another, constantly and ruthlessly training and testing them. He never once asks their names. Whoever has his favour at the time is called the “Red Hawk”, all the others are just “Robin”. Ultimately, one will emerge as Red Hawk. The others will emerge as John Does floating in Gotham Harbour.
The goddamn batman and robin run to catch a train so they can go home and bake a pie
This somehow results in piles of corpses, 300 pregnancies, all the women walking around in the their underwear holding chainsaws, the joker having been ripped apart to spell out ‘I’M THE GODDAMN BATMAN’ on a school building, 10,000 broken SWAT helicopters in the formation of the eiffel tower, everyone’s weapons turning into walkie talkies, the entire series of crime families in gotham stuck in an elevator with ten hungry five headed tigers and six whales on loan from aquaman, a train found in the side of the tallest building in the gotham financial district filled with lama’s, and a pack of uneaten nachos getting lodged down the side of the couch as he steals robin’s virginity with a mere gesture.
And then he’d let it all get rebooted and be glad he’s part of the goddamn DC publishing mentality that lets him get away with this shit.
1) The Goddamned Batman goes to the San Diego Comic Con, and wanders the Halls judging Cosplayers dressed like The Goddamned Batman. You can guess how badly that ends.
2) The Goddamned Batman goes to the San Diego Comic Con. He sets off the fire suppression sprinklers in the ceiling, then wanders the Halls judging Cosplayers dressed like Black Canary. You can guess how *very* badly that ends.
Goddamn Batman falls through a rip in time and space, finding himself stuck in the world of Adamn West Batman. After meeting 1966 Batman and quickly ripping out his heart, bare-handed, through the rib cage he goes on to have sex with all three Catwomen at the same time. He also sells Burt Ward to a Hong Kong sex factory, waxes the Joker’s mustache off, and sets Batgirl up as his new “ward.” All in the first ten minutes. Because he’s the Goddamn Batman.
The Goddamn Batman Sodomizes the fucking joker….with robin’s corpse…..after the Joker killed him.
In this unabashed tale of gore and psychological terror, The Joker tricks the Goddamned batman into coming to a warehouse, where he thinks the Joker killed Robin. However, the entire issue is just batman driving to the warehouse….where for 12 pages, we see, and hear what batman is going to do to the joker in such horrifying detail, that by the end of it, half the readership, might throw up in disgust.
Meanwhile Frank Miller pats himself on the back.
The Goddamn Batman travels back in time, intercepts baby Superman’s rocket ship, steals the green crystal and hacks it. Years later when Superman uses it to build the Fortress of Solitude, it’s shaped like a giant dick made out of dicks. Jor El then tells Superman that all Kryptonians are gay and he’ll lose his powers unless he has sex with a man at least once a week. Jimmy Olson continues to be Superman’s Best Pal.
“Goddamn Batman Needs Another Goddamn Robin.” After firing Grayson, as Goddamn Batman inevitably does in Miller’s universe, but before kidnapping Carrie Kelly, Goddamn Batman uses Jason Todd and Tim Drake to fill the Robin booties. Upon finding Jason Todd attempting to steal the Batmobile’s hubcaps, Goddamn Batman knocks Todd over the head with a sock full of oranges. Todd wakes up to find himself in Batman’s cave dressed as Robin. Before Todd knows what’s going on, Batman and the Joker come out of nowhere and beat Todd to death with crowbars. As the duo throw Jason Todd down into the unending depths of the Batcave, Goddamn Batman quips “nobody steals from the Goddamn Batman, retard!” as he high fives the Joker. Days later, Goddamn Batman is approached by young Tim Drake, who reveals he’s deduced Goddamn Batman’s secret identity as Bruce Wayne and threatens to tell the world if Goddamn Batman doesn’t let Drake be the next Robin. Goddman Batman agrees. During Goddamn Batman and Tim Drake Robin’s first encounter with Killer Croc, Goddamn Batman knocks Drake over the head with a sock full of oranges and throws him to Killer Croc, who devours the youth. Goddamn Batman quips “nobody blackmails the Goddamn Batman, retard!” as he flees the scene.
Joker has Commissioner Gordon hostage in the old Axis Chemical Plant. GDB goes down to local orphanage in the middle of the night and takes all the ones old enough to stand on their own for more than 10 seconds. He dresses them in domino masks and red tights, then piles them into a new Batmobile made from a garbage truck. They sing “The Wheels On The Bus” as Batman speeds towards the plant, and Batman tells them to “Shut the fuck up or I’m going to come back there!” 10 minutes later, Joker is walking around on the top of the Axis administration building. Hearing a loud noise, he looks down and receives a painful blow to the face. He shakes it off and looks down at what he’s been hit with: a mashed toddler in a red diaper with an “R” on it. The Joker, sensing that he’s no longer the craziest part of this deadly game of cat and mouse, starts to run for the green helicopter where the henchmen are waiting. As he runs, he dodges a steady rain of orphan Robins. Back in the Batmobile, GDB loads another screaming round into the Robinator.
I racked my brain thinking of something Frank Miller would actually write, and this is what I have.
All-Star Deathstroke has come to Gotham with a mission to kill the Batman. He was paid by former Commissioner Loeb with a crate of blonde thirteen year-old girls. In the A-Plot of the next several issues, however, The Goddamn Batman doesn’t even mention the mercenary. In fact, he spends the entire time having a meandering over-the-phone conversation with Vicki Vale about how the death of his parents woke him up to how people are just no damn good, all the while randomly swinging around the city. In true Miller fashion, he repeats the phrase “no damn good” about thirty times. In addition, every time he touches down on a building, he’s seen fiddling with something just off-panel.
Finally, 5 issues and two real-time years later, Deathstroke corners the Goddamn Batman with one page to go, seemingly setting up a cliffhanger. Over a series of incredibly overcrowded panels, the Goddamn Batman kicks Deathstroke really hard, and presses a button. We discover that this entire time, the Goddamn Batman has been rigging all the buildings for a city block with high explosives. The kick has put Deathstroke just within range, and the explosion incinerates everything within a perfect, cube-shaped area. The Goddamn Batman mutters about how the merc was “just no damn good” and stalks off.
The entire next issue is Bruce Goddamn Wayne hitting a punching bag and monologueing on how maybe this makes him a criminal.
Gotham. This is MY city. She screams for me in the night. Her voice cracks like lightning. Weather veins and power lines play out a symphony for our nightly waltz. The rusted tin roofs on abandoned meth labs hold down the rhythm section.
Her lower half reeks of corruption. A paper mill run by human teriyaki farts in August with no AC. She is a harlot. She is a stevedore. She makes Amy Winehouse look like Dora the Explorer.
We dance. She charges by the song.Midnight comes. We hump Metropolis City Zoo to shame. I lie about using a rubber. I have 6 in my belt. I am the burning urination. I am the recurring itch around your crotch and anus. I am the Goddamned Batman.
[the only dialogue for the entire 64 page “Goddamned Batman Annual #1”]
After defeating Clayface, the Goddamn Batman sculpts his unconscious form into the shape of a giant penis before drying him out in the sun. The statue is shipped to Metropolis along with a note simply reading “Mine’s bigger”.
The God Damn Batman dresses like Benjamin Franklin, flies Kite Man through a thunderstorm with a key tied to him, and forces him to yell “SHAZAM!” repeatedly as loud as he can.
The god damn batman is always the top hat in monopoly. Only because he knows Robin loves being the top hat. It reminds him of his dad.
After having sex with every married woman in Gotham and making their husbands watch, the Goddamn Batman digs up his parents’ graves and punches them until death is knocked off them. This creates a paradox in that if his parents never died, he would never have become the Goddamn Batman but he beats up the paradox and they all go out for frozen yogurt. There is no ice cream in Gotham anymore because GDBM is making King Tut sit on it until it all melts.
Now time for the winners! First up are the two winners of the Batman/Two-Face Arkham City action figure two-pack from Mattel!
Batman swings down into the middle of the park at night and sees the Penguin, sitting on a park bench feeding the pigeons. Picking the Penguin up by his stained wife beater, Batman savagely beats him to within an inch of his life, breaking his stubby nose, punching him in his washboard stomach, and splintering each of his perfect fingers. As he rushes back to the Batmobile he questions why he never noticed that the Penguin was so tall and black before, but then reminds himself that he doesn’t give a shit.
Batman finds a post-it note on his refrigerator with a question mark on it. Punching a hole in the door he reaches in and grabs a hold of the Riddler, resting on a plate, acting much more jiggly than Batman could recall. Hoping to interrogate him for answers, Batman squishes the Riddler between his hands shouting WHAT DO YOU WANT EDWARD?! He reaches down and bites off the Riddler’s hand, and it tastes like delicious lime.
Catwoman proceeds to enter her apartment and sees a small red point of light zip across the floor. Astonished, she tries to follow it, but it vanishes around a corner. After staring at the blank space for a moment, she spots another laser point out of the corner of her eye. She follows it again , with the same result. She pauses to see if it will happen once more. It doesn’t. After quite some time, as the red point of light does not reappear, she decides to relax and get on with her normal routine. For the rest of the week she begins to see that red point of light out of the corner of her eye at strange times: when she’s getting her morning coffee, when she’s cleaning up her many cats’ hairballs, when she’s enjoying some downtime with her special catnip toy. She is becoming very agitated. Eventually she decides to stay in a hotel while she tries to figure out what to do about it. Around bedtime she puts on her nightgown, goes into the bathroom, brushes her teeth, and combs out her hair. She comes out, climbs into bed, turns out the lights and lets out a small sigh of relief. Less than a second later, a million, zillion lights spring out of nowhere, skittering all over the walls, furniture, and bedspread like tiny red insects spawned in some many segmented pit of Hell. She gives a long piercing scream and in the room above, Ceiling Bat smiles.
Well anyway, my second entry would be that Batman swaps Mr. Freeze’s tank with a canister of helium.
Honestly, I could literally see both these things happening All-Star Batman and Robin if DC ever let Frank Miller do another issue. Fucking around with Catwoman with a laser pointer is both incredibly mean and condescending, as is replacing Mr. Freeze’s tank with helium (it’s going to be seriously difficult to not giggle the entire time I fight Mr. Freeze in Arkham City tonight). Meanwhile, Dillon J. takes the Goddamn Batman’s goddamn insanity to its natural conclusion. Brilliant, both of them. And yet there was an entry that was even slightly more brilliant…
The Goddamn Batman tells Robin he is going to take him to the cabin for the weekend for a fishing trip. At the last minute, The Goddamn Batman walks up to an eager, fully packed Robin sitting anxiously on the steps of Wayne Manor and tells him something suddenly came up.
Matt Sinor will be winning the grand prize of the Batman: Arkham Asylum Black and White statue because no entry made me laugh harder or longer. The only reason this entry wouldn’t appear in All-Star Batman is because Frank Miller is not clever enough to have thought of it. It’s so hilariously petty, so douchy and so fucking insane that I have zero doubt the Goddamn Batman would pull this on Robin (it also may have helped that I recently rewatched all of Arrested Development, but whatever).
So that is that. Goddamn congratulations to all the goddamn winners, and goddamn thanks to everyone who entered — you all did some fabulous goddamn work, I must say. And again my thanks (less goddamned this time) to FiguresoftheDay.com for sponsoring this weekend’s contest with such awesome prizes; I highly recommend getting their newsletter or their RSS feed, because even if you’re (somehow) not into Batman, any site that offers seven or more great deals a week is going to have something you’re interested in sooner than later.