It was only two weeks ago that FFF ran one of the works of Topless Robot Fan Fic Laureate ComicsNix, so i had planned on running horrifying/disgusting/baffling fan fics for the near future. I certainly hadn’t planned on running any crack fics, as ComicsNix skirts that line already. But I also had planned that beautiful Topless Roboteer Parsat would inform me that one of the greatest fan fics of all time suddenly had a sequel. I am referring of course to “Garfield’s Royal Rescue,” fan fic author ShakespeareHemmingway’s epic tale of the lasagna-loving, obese cat rescuing Kate Middleton from the evil Prince Harry. Apparently, the saga wasn’t over. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, let the glory begin.
It was morning eve when Prince Harry was on his floating fortress in the Ocean.
?ALREADY. The story is already brilliantly, beautifully batshit insane in the very first sentence. God, I wish we lived ShakespeareHemmingway’s head. Yes, we’d run the constant risk of being killed and/or fucked by Garfield, but I still think it would be worth it.
He was doing duty of serving country of England steering ships and flying the planes. “Set sail for land ho.” Said Prince Harry to his men with seamanship.
As Prince Harry was ordering soldiers messenger came with news of urgency.
“Prince Harry I have tragic news your brother has been defeated by manly force.” Said the messenger with panic.
“What is your nonsense?” Cried out Prince Harry with flabbergasting words
“It is truth see for yourself.” Said the messenger as he put VHS tape on VCR for watching.
Yes, Prince Harry’s floating ocean fortress has a VCR, and I cannot tell you how much this delights me. The glory continues after the jump.
The Video tape showed recording of Prince Williams ending moments by
Garfield’s fists of fury. It showed Prince William crashing into Big Ben
creating explosion of maximum impact.
“NOOOOO.” Cried out Prince Harry in saddness anger.
Harry sat in silence body and souls filled with grief and rage. He
trembled like sea envious of the oceans and shook like angry babys
That’s actually a great simile.
“GAAAARFIELD.” Cried out Prince Harry with fists to the sky.
video continued and showed Garfield taking Kate Middleton in manly arms
and making sweet royal love. As Prince Harry saw Garfield romance his
brother’s woman like he could only dream his temperature raised with
angry heat. His fist clenched shattering champagne glass and his eyes
burning with fire.
Now, if you’d read “Royal Rescue Part 1,” you’d know that Garfield didn’t fuck Kate Middleton in the throne room immediately after defeating Prince William, but enjoyed his right of prima nocte in a bedroom. Which means someone recording the Garfield-William battle simply followed Garfield and Kate into the bedroom, and continued filming as they fucked. This delights me to no end.
“BETRAYAL.” Shouted Prince Harry with snarling face.
Harry stormed into throne room where he sat in throne contemplating
rage. He stared off with obsession and could not get vision of Prince
William crashing into Big Ben and Kate Middleton running to Garfields
biceps out of his royal mind.
In Harry’s defense, after reading “Royal Rescue Part 1” neither could I. It’s a rather striking image.
“No man or cat crosses my family. I will get my revenge sweeter than fresh river salmon.” Prince Harry declared to world.
“What will you be doing?” Asked Servant with wondering.
will be setting wicked trap for this cat. But first for trapping of
imprisonment there must be jailbait and I am knowing just what ticket is
needed.” Prince Harry said as he looked at picture of Kate Middleton
with evil intents.
Meanwhile in Middleton house Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton were having girl talk.
“Kate Middleton what is matter you look in the dumpster?” Pippa Middleton Asked Kate Middleton with concern.
If I had ever figured out that FFF image for pure joy, it would go right here.
can not stop thinking about my one true man.” Kate Middleton sighed
with sorrow as she looked at picture of Garfield in manly pose.
“This problem my dear sister is you are fallen in love.” Said Pippa Middleton with caring.
but Garfield could not stay for a Tiger can not be tamed and a real man
can never be leashed.” Kate Middleton said with truth.
Middleton and Pippa Middleton were speaking their womens words figure
from the shadows wooshed in with sudden wicketry.
“Haha You foolish women. You have betrayed my family line and the time for vengeance is at hand.” Cackled the figure with evil.
“PRINCE HARRY?” Cried out Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton in unison.
the one and only however I am not the man I was before but a new man
reborn from fires of vengeance with only mission to revenge my brother.”
Said Prince Harry with madness.
“You are after GAFIELD!” Cried out Kate Middleton in shock.
She’s so shocked she forgot the “R”!
is right and you will be the bait to my lure. Time for Capture!” Said
Prince Harry as he launched cages at Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton.
“NOOOO.” Cried out Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton as they were ensnared with imprisonment.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA.” Laughed Prince Harry with madman laughing as he took his imprisoned ladies to lair for trap setting.
elsewheres in a moonlit night Garfield was cruisin in his Red Corvette
with lasagna license plate in the Big City.
Does– does it say “LASAGNA” on it? Does it have a picture of lasagna? My god, could it be a license plate designed to look like a large piece of lasagna? I NEED ANSWERS
His wind was blowing in air
with coolness as he was taking in sights and sounds. Garfield was
wearing his shades and had his radio on for jamming to cool tunes with
“This is big city life.” Garfield said to himself while cruising.
next is Mega hit smash song “Love is Lasagna” by Garfield which is
topping all charts.” Said the Radio DJ with rhythm and blues.
of my favorites.” Said Garfield as he turned on radio to max volume and
looked in mirror admiring his rugged handsomeness.
It was noted in the incredible audioplay of “Royal Rescue Part 1” that Garfield, when speaking the badass dialogue found in ShakespeareHemmingway’s tales, is essentially a cat-shaped Duke Nukem. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that at this moment, Garfield has officially out-Nukemed Duke.
Song begun with
smooth sexy saxophone intro followed by rippin roaring guitar riffs and
then led to Garfield’s manly singing voice coming from radio.
WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE LYRICS TO A SONG TITLED “LOVE IS LASAGNA” AS WRITTEN BY GARFIELD. PLEASE HOLD ALL HEAD ASPLOSIONS UNTIL THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE.
“Oh Babe when I see your eyes
It is making my pants rise
The feeling is out of control
From my lovin there is no parole
Love Is Lasagna
Food that is Feeding my soul
Love Is Lasagna
It is not no casserole
Oh Babe I am at the end of my ropes
I want to taste your sweet cantaloupes
Your body is buffet of desire
In bedroom I will never tire
Love is Lasagna
We will be melting like Mozzarella cheese
Love is Lasagna
My appetite only you can appease
Oh babe you are delicious like lasagna feast
I will devour your body whole like beast
Lonely Man Walking Lonely Path Alone
Now we are together all night we will moan
Love is Lasagna
One serving is never enough
Love is Lasagna
You are knowing I like it rough
Love is Lasagna
Soft and gooey give me one more slice
Love is Lasagna
I will be taking you to paradise”
“What good singer.” Garfield said with approving as he puffed on lasagna cigarette.
…and one more for the lasagna cigarette. Is it lasagna flavored? Does it contain real lasagna inside? OH GOD I CANNOT HANDLE THIS
After awesome rockin song radio news person came on to deliver message of urgency.
Extra This just in. Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton have disappeared
and have gone into missing. Will real man please find them?” Announced
Radio News Man with urgency.
“WHAT?” Roared Garfield as he braked is Red Corvette in shock.
swelled in Garfield like hot air in balloon and was ready to explode.
Garfield then clenched steering wheel with determination of true hero.
“Damned degenerations will pay for kidnapping of beautiful British babes.” Garfield uttered with teeth clenching.
for investigations. I just know just where to go.” Garfield said as he
put his foot on gas for speeding to local English pub. Garfield drove to
local English pub with speed of wheeled serpent for drink and
Because all British people know what all other British people are doing and thinking at any given moment. They have a hive mind, you know. Like bees. Why else do you think they have a queen?
“I am going to fill up my whistle.” Garfield said as he entered pub for refreshment.
Garfield waltzed over to barkeeper for demanding of requests.
“I want Lasagna Beer Brewed with Power and Steel.” Garfield demanded as he pounded fist on bar table.
My head can’t asplode here because it still hasn’t reformed from the song/lasagna cigarette combo.
“Yes sir.” Said Barkeeper with obedience.
receiving drink Garfield sipped beer with relaxed coolness taking in
his surrounding. Garfield knew when living life of the hero there was
danger all around. Garfield saw in tavern a pool table with pool playing
happening. Garfield approached pool table with strut of confidence and
saw fools playing with their pool.
“Hello Fellows mind if I join for quick game?” Asked Garfield as he took pool stick.
“Yes Garfield we have 90 gallons of lasagna for betting but you will never win.” Said bar hooligan with challenge.
Aaaaand my head hasn’t fully reformed yet but it’s going to asplode anyways. THESE GUYS BROUGHT 90 GALLONS OF LASAGNA TO A BAR. AND THEN IMMEDIATELY BET IT ON A POOL GAME. WITH GARFIELD. God I wish I lived in this world.
will eat those words as I will eat my newly won lasagna.” Said Garfield
taking pool stick with firm grip and approaching table for playing.
Garfield swung the pool stick and played the pool and got a grand slam
strike winning all the jackpot.
“Looks like I got a hole in one.” Said Garfield with sly smile.
Garfield and ShakespeareHemmingway may be mixing their sports terms.
you Garfield I have bet all of my life savings!” Said Bar hooligan with
anger as he rushed Garfield with pool stick for hitting.
Aaaaaand the 90 gallons of lasagna is a guy’s life savings. Which he brought one night to a bar. And then immediately bet in a pool game. Again, the joy picture would go right here.
you have also bet all of your life.” Quipped Garfield as he did flying
spin kick on rushing hooligan sending him flying. The Hooligan landed
into Jukebox turning it on for playing of funkabilly rock and roll music
for bar rumbling action. With beat thumping bar brawling music playing
group of bar hooligans soon began surrounding Garfield for bar brawl
“You have insulted your last offense! We will gut you like goat!” Intimidated Bar hooligan with anger.
fools are gluttons for pain but do not be of worry for I am the buffet
and it is all you can eat!” Garfield said with taunting hand motion to
This is the most awesome line of dialogue in any fictional or non-fictional work ever. EVER.
“Buffet this!” Shouted one hooligan as he took
bottle and broke it on table. The hooligan then rushed Garfield for
stabbing but Garfield dodged broken bottle with ease and grabbed
hooligan and lifted him above head.
“You look sweaty here take a dip.” Garfield said as he body slammed hooligan on pool table.
“That is what I am calling a pool party.” Garfield quipped with cleverness.
clever quips Garfield saw hooligan rushing from behind. Garfield
twirled like ferriswheel and thrust pool stick into hooligan with
impaling make blood spurt like Yellowstone geyser.
“You are too stuck up.” Said Garfield with wittiness as he pulled out pool stick from hooligan body.
saw across bar hooligan thug taking out handgun for shooting but
Garfield did not beat a sweat and threw pool stick at thug with
aerodynamics making it go through thug and stick him on the dartboard.
“You got a bullseye your prize is first class ticket to hell.” Garfield said with congratulations.
Dear entertainment industry: Please cease production on all movies, TV shows, books, etc. Your news job is devote yourself entirely to the adventures of Garfield. Thank you for your cooperation.
After thug sticking Garfield then approached Hooligan ring leader to finish was has been started the way a real man does.
“Garfield please do not hurt me I am sorry.” Cried the hooligan ring leader with begging.
Garfield ignored pathetic pleas and grabbed the hooligan ring leader by the neck and dragged him to the bar counter.
are looking worried. Why not drown your sorrows in drink?” Garfield
asked has he shoved hooligan leader under beer tap and forced his mouth
“Drink up it is happy hour.” Garfield said he as he turned on tap to max.
Gurgled the Hooligan ringleader as his mouth filled with alcohol making
him choke. Soon his head was filling to brim with alcohol blowing up
like blowfish. His head then exploded into bits.
“I guess the drink went right to his head.” Garfield joked with hilarity.
Wait, what about the information Garfield needed?
“Bravo you fight like fiery dragon.” Said voice with impressment.
Then out of shadows came figure dressed in bar maid dress with sultry walking. It was Sarah Ferguson!
I will never question Garfield again.
“It is my pleasure to clean gutter trash with my fists of cleansing.” Garfield said with casualness.
“I hear you are looking for Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton.” Said Sarah Ferguson with knowledge.
“This is right my sassy siren. You better be telling all that is known from your lips.” Garfield said with demanding.
“I will give you what you need but first you must give me what I need.” Said Sarah Ferguson with seduction.
“Very well I see you will not talk so I will make you scream.” Garfield said with a wink.
“Yes Garfield interrogate me all night long.” Said Sarah Ferguson leading Garfield to bedroom.
“I am going to bask you like thanksgiving turkey and stuff you.” Garfield said with sexiness.
“Then I’m going to cook you in an oven at 350 degrees for four hours.”
has been so long since I felt touch of man. Do with me what you will be
doing.” Said Sarah Ferguson as she lay down on bed undoing her
Garfield pressed button which played sexy romantic
power ballads. Garfield then approached Sarah Ferguson and embraced her
with manly hands. He climbed on top of her and wrapped around her like
serpent of sexiness. He squeezed her with love and passion like boa
constrictor wrapping around rodent crushing her with pleasure.
MY GOD IT’S FULL OF STARS
went on for feeling like millennia as their bodies were covered with
sweat and love juices.
Meanwhile in Prince Harry’s throne room
Prince Harry was sitting on throne throwing knives at picture of
Garfield flexing muscles hanging in his room. As Prince Harry threw his
knives Prince Charles came in to have talking to.
“My son I know you are mad but to fight Garfield is error of fools.” Prince Charles advised with honesty.
will avenge my brother. Vengeance is all I am living for. It is my
breath.” Said Prince Harry with madness obsession as he fondled his
“Be careful. The road of obsession is steep cliff. Once you
walk it the only way down is through falling.” Said Prince Charles with
“I need not your advice father. I have set my path on the
course and now there is no turning back. I have set perfect trap. Soon
Garfields end will be mine! AHAHAHAHAHA.” Declared Prince Harry with
“You are doomed to destiny of madness and sorrow.” Prince Charles said with sadness as he walked away.
“Well, that’s another kid of mine that’s gonna get chucked into Big Ben.”
in Sarah Ferguson’s bedroom, Sarah Ferguson was recovering from intense
love making which was like thunderstorm in her body. Garfield was not
tired at all.
“Garfield my body is exhausted with pleasure.” Said Sarah Ferguson with catching breath.
“Yes but enough fun time. Now it is time to give me the information I need.” Garfield demanded with sternness.
well Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton are kept in Prince Harry’s
castle of Dread and Agony in land of Wales.” Said Sarah Ferguson with
“Of course.” Garfield said with revelation.
now that I have told you this truth I must die in flames of glory.
Farewells to you Garfield my one true man.” Said Sarah Ferguson
revealing explosion vest and pressing button on it.
Remember, Fergie took off her nightgown, then had eight hours of non-stop, lasagna-scented sex with Garfield. Where exactly did she pull that “explosion vest” from?
“No.” Said Garfield with protest.
to be one with explosion.” Said Sarah Ferguson as she exploded. As
Sarah Ferguson exploded Garfield jumped out of window for escaping.
“You are now explosion but you will always be woman to me.” Said Garfield with remembrance.
NOW I’M EXPLODING TOO
then hopped into his Red Corvette to drive to Prince Harry’s castle of
Fear and Sorrow where ladies were being held for captive.
If the British royal family actually had a Castle of Fear and Sorrow they would be the coolest fucking people on earth. British TR readers, you should mention this to them. Do they have a suggestion box or anything?
do not fall far from eachother and these apples are rotten in their
cores.” Garfield said with philosophy as he drove on to rescue.
driving Garfield came upon Prince Harry’s castle of Misery and Shame. Garfield wasted no time and rammed through front door with his Red
Corvette smashing through with ease.
“This is the delivery man I
have first class package of fist ready to be delivered to your face.”
Garfield roared as he hopped out of his Red Corvette.
As Garfield explored castle guards came for attacking but they were no challenge to the man.
“Go home and buy kittens to dress up.” Garfield said as he tore through guards like lawnmower through warm cheese.
That’s an interestingly specific metaphor.
Soon after exploring Garfield came to empty room filled with more lasagna than eye can see.
“Now this is treasure of one of kind taste.” Garfield said as he prepared himself for feasting.
ate and ate the lasagna. While there was more lasagna to feed
continents of armies Garfield ate it all like real man with no problem.
When he was done though sudden feelings of strangeness overcame him.
“I am feeling like windmill.” Garfield said as he saw world spinning around him.
then fell down deep into slumber. In his dreams he had nightmares of
beautiful babes being kidnapped and he could not save them. As he woke
he found himself chained to stone. He was at Stonehenge chained to
stone! The chains were made of adamantium and magic and there enough
chains to hold 40 speeding trains and 80 rampaging elephants.
Surrounding Garfield were wicked druids. Drum beats were being played
and in the distance he saw Prince Harry in chariot of bones and blood
being pulled by flaming hell steeds.
The only thing the Royals need more than a Castle of Fear and Sorrow is a chariot made out of bones and blood. I’m 100% serious about this. i would give up my entire life savings to see Queen Elizabeth ride up to her Castle of Fear and Sorrow on her chariot of bones and blood.
“Garfield at last on this hour I have trapped you and soon you will be meeting vengeance.” Said Prince Harry with smugness.
“And soon you will be meeting your brother in hell courtesy of my hands of manly virtue.” Garfield said with defiance.
“FOOL. You will be begging mercy on knees of begging when I am done with you. WHIP HIM!” Yelled Prince Harry with anger.
At Prince Harry’s commands druid whipmaster whipped Garfield with whip but Garfield did not flinch but spat in his face.
If I remember correctly, druids can specialize in whips at level 10, right?
“Pain is my pleasure you womanly fiend. My spirit will never break to you.” Roared Garfield with manly resistance.
will be seeing about this. You can not last forever as hours go on your
words of impudence will turn to tears of sorrow.” Said Prince Harry
with dark heart as he ordered continued whipping.
Hours and days
went by with whipping but Garfield did not show sign of fatigue or
tiredness. His face full of masculine stoicism he showed no pain.
He did, however, say “I hate Mondays.”
“IMPOSSIBLE. No man can take such abuse!” Cried out Prince Harry in disbelief.
“Puny whips make no dents in my body of iron.” Garfield said with cool confidence.
well it is about time to be ending this show with encore. The Grand
finale is your death. Prepare the lava!” Ordered Prince Harry to his
Druids brought out large pot of lava with skulls be poured on Garfield but suddenly familiar voice was heard by all.
was Jon Arbuckle on the hillside with hair blowing in wind and sun
blazing behind him! Jon Arbuckle took out his flaming lasagna electric
guitar and started playing cords of power. The rockin metal began giving
power to Garfield muscles recharging them with rock. The power of metal
ran through Garfield’s massive muscles and he broke free of chains with
One day, when I have a house again, I’m going to have this painted as a mural on my office wall.
“WHAT.” Cried out Prince Harry with shrieking terror.
“The metal of your chains is no match for the metal in my veins.” Garfield said with rock and roll.
“Get him you fools!” Ordered Prince Harry to is druid minions.
Druid whipmaster ran to Garfield with his whip for attacking but Garfield grabbed his arms.
“Give me helping hand.” Quipped Garfield as he tore off the Druid Whipmasters arms off and made a nunchacku out of them.
I am ARMED and DANGEROUS.” Garfield said wielding arm nunchaku with
Garfield plowed through druid army with his arm nunchaku as
Jon Arbuckle shredded his guitar with awesome playing. As Garfield
smashed druids to bits of druid goo Prince Harry began ranning to
“Do not be running from the fate of justice you insect.” Said Garfield as he pursued with chasing.
followed Prince Harry into cave leading to underground tunnels. Inside
there was vast underground maze but Garfield kept on the chase like
squid on the hunt. Soon Garfield came on underground area with
waterfall. On walls were Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton chained in
imprisonment. Prince Harry was waiting there for final battle.
“GARFIELD!” Cried out Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton in unison.
“Silence you she women!” Yelled Prince Harry in anger.
“No need for worrying my captive cuties the man is here for rescue.” Garfield consoled worried women.
will be seeing this. Garfield now we will settle this score. I
challenge you to one on one manly fighting.” Prince Harry challenged
with audaciousness as he tore off his shirt to reveal English Rose
“I accept your challenges.” Garfield said with studdly
braveness as he tore off shirt showcasing massive manly muscles and a
tattoo on his back of lasagna breathing dragon.
There’s no other way to express how I feel right now.
Prince Harry Circled eachother preparing fists of fighting. Prince Harry
rushed with flurries of fists and kicks but Garfield blocked them all
with his hurricane like reflexes. Garfield then returned blow with
amazing left hooking punch sending Prince Harry flying.
Garfield but I am not finished yet prepare yourself for ultimate
attack!” Shouted Prince Harry as he prepared his Royal Raging Demon
Kick. Flames surrounded Prince Harry as he rushed with fire and rage
into Garfield kicking him in his toned abs.
“Direct hit!” Prince Harry shouted in terrible triumph.
“Think again.” Garfield said as he stood without fazing.
“WHAT?” Cried out Prince Harry as he continued to kick Garfield with his flaming feet.
“Your blows are like wet noodles to my muscles of concrete.” Garfield said with dismissal.
“Silence!” Said Prince Harry with crying as he continued to kick Garfield with out effects.
is my turn. Time to make your face match your hair.” Garfield roared as
he launched thousands of fists at Prince Harry with great smashing and
sending him flying. As Prince Harry lay down in defeat Garfield stood
“Garfield my heart is bursting with the vengeance and
hatred my soul is consumed with darkness you must end the misery of my
life.” Prince Harry said as one tear of blood ran down cheek.
be it. My fist delivers mercy as well as justice. Feel my mercy!”
Garfield said as he reared fist and punched Prince Harry in the heart.
Garfields punch caused blood to burst out of every pore in princely body
and eyes to pop out until his body bursted into explosion of blood.
After defeating of Prince Harry Garfield went to free Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton from chains.
“Thank you Garfield I knew you would come for us.” Kate Middleton said embracing him.
“Sister do not be hogging up this man meal for I want tasty bite.” Said Pippa Middleton as she rushed to also embrace Garfield.
“Do not be fighting ladies there is more man meat here to keep you ladies filled.” Garfield said with reassurance.
“Garfield you are knowing what to say.” Said Kate Middleton with swooning.
am looking for two loaves of woman for my lady sandwich. Are you two
chickies game?” Garfield asked with flirting as he put his arms around
Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton.
And even in this Garfield universe, a lonely Jon Arbuckle has to go home and masturbate.
“Yes Garfield we give you
sisterly pleasure.” Said Pippa Middleton as they went to bedroom for
lovemaking. Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton then took off their
clothes showing supple bodies and approached Garfield for pleasuring.
“Hey sexy sisters you should kiss eachother for my viewing pleasure.” Garfield suggested with excellent idea.
“Anything you want Garfield.” Said Kate Middleton as she kissed Pippa Middleton with mouth full of passion.
Middleton and Pippa Middleton kissed eachother and made eachother out
with passion and force rubbing eachother all over. As sisters pleasured
eachother Garfield watched with approval eyes as he smoked lasagna
“Very good you ladies put on good show but now it is
time for main event.” Garfield said as he leaped into pleasure pile to
make loving to Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton. Kate Middleton and
Pippa Middleton lay down as Garfield crawled on them like sexual
salamander licking their bodies with tongue of love. He then thrust into
their bodies with manly force of galactic proportions. As nights came
into evenings they made love like bees make honey sweet gooey and full
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.