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TR Doctor Who Contest Super Special: And the Winners Are…


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?Sorry this week’s TR contest results are late (well, more late than usual); it’s probably my fault for running three contests at once. But what else could I do when Warner Bros. gave me eight Doctor Who DVD and Blu-rays sets to give away? Such a massive bounty deserves an equally massive contest. Now, as you’ll recall, there three contest themes were:

? Future Incarnations of the Doctor
? Rory Williams Facts
? Worst Scenes from the Recently Threatened Doctor Who Movie

I had very much planned to divide all the entries into three sections, one for each contest, and then it took me a million hours just to judge the contest as usual, so I totally didn’t. I’m reasonably sure you won’t have any trouble figuring out which contest each entry is for, though. Hit the jump for (many, many) Honorable Mentions and winners. If you want to yell “Geronimo!” as you do it, I won’t judge you.


There’s more than 5,000 words of Honorable Mentions. I decided to put them on two pages. I hope you understand.

Hgralb:

1) Ginger
2) The Doctors real name is Rory Williams. He was named after the greatest man of all time (and space).
3) The TARDIS will be replaced by The General Lee


Brando Lars:

The real reason Hitler killed himself was because he heard Rory Williams was coming back to see him again.


DJRM:

For his 138th regeneration the Doctor is a potato.


ThePurpleKnight:

The Doctor just gets quirkier and more airheaded as time goes on until eventually The Doctor is Inspector Jacque Clouseau.

Worst change of the Dr. Who movie? The Doctor will refer to a packet of crisps as POTATO CHIPS.

Someguy:

1) No change except now being known as Doctor Whom.

2) Rory so scary that he travels through time so he doesn’t run into himself.

3)The sonic screwdriver will not be in the movie, but they will stop at a bar an order a Sonic Screwdriver in a lame attempt to satisfy the fans.


Michael Gallagher:

1) The Doctor gets younger still, until a 14 year old in a Metallica t-shirt is bringing down the Cybermen.


SlyDante:

The 17th Doctor’s incarnation: Pinkie Pie.
Think about it: Constantly quirky, curious, & slightly childish, talks a lot, surrounds self with various female companions (including a husband & wife they share a place with), seemingly capable of instantly transporting through time & space…
And for the record, Doctor Whooves was just a mere decoy he built out of spare Dalek parts & a llama.


paul depaola:

Rory Williams Facts: The whole Silence movement and death of the Doctor was engineered because they heard that the Doctor was going to regenerate into Rory next.


VindicaSean:

Worst part of the Dr Who movie: the opening scene where Johnny Depp walks out of a port-a-potty TARDIS.

Rory Williams once divided by zero to find his car keys when he lost them in the TARDIS. We know this event as the Tunguska Blast of 1908.


NicMiller:

“Worst Scenes from the Recently Threatened Doctor Who Movie”
In an attempt to capitalize on the resent resurgence in 80’s trends. Dr. Who accidentally runs in with Marty McFly, Bill and Ted. A most excellent adventure is not had.


Fanboy:

1. By his 18th incarnation, the Doctor will have become so desensitized by the people he meets constantly dying on (and often for) him, he’ll set up a death pool every time he meets someone new. Who else is taking part? The 19th and 20th Doctors, of course!
2. Before they met Rory Williams, they were known as the Jubilant Angels.
3. Having accidently programmed K-9 with an “omni-hump” setting, hilarity ensues when the TARDIS materializes at the Westminster Dog Show.


Zombie_Helo:

Chuck Norris tells Rory facts


Companionless Doctor:

3 – Upon meeting his new companion, who is a bleach blonde fake-boobied stripper clad in an American flag bikini who carries a pair of M-5 rifles, The Doctor will drop his monocle in his tea in shock and exclaim “By George this is highly unorthodox, wot wot!”


Ethan Adams:

Contest 3 Official entry: The Time Lord and the gang have to save the community center/day care from being razed by the great-grandson of Davros to build a Dalek factory with no stairs. This film will have a hyper-futuristic, sterile look to it.
That’s more of a subplot, but it should make for some fantastic scenes. I’d like them to get Michael Bay involved.


SaintKrispy:

1. The 32nd Doctor will undoubtedly be a cigar smoking chimpanzee.

2. Rory Williams once ate three Cybermen and shat out a Dalek.

3. The worst scene from the American Doctor Who? When The Doctor (Jason Statham) is about to take a new form, his companion Rose (Jessica Alba) saves his life by using the TARDIS (a 2011 Dodge Challenger) to pin The Master (Keanu Reeves) against a wall, giving the fully regenerated Doctor (Martin Lawrence) a chance to tell The Master “Who’s the bitch now?!?” before an unnecessary explosion destroys the parking garage they are in.


Chyromaniac:

1) Judging by the age progression, 12 will need a learners permit to operate the TARDIS. And by 18, “baby” will be his native language.

2) Rory Williams has a special “Fast Pass” for all Disney rides, because he’s waited long enough already, thankyouverymuch.

3) As part of his deal to play the Doctor, Will Smith records the smash hit single “Who Dat Doc?” for the ending credits. The song samples Men Without Hat’s “Safety Dance,” and features guest performances from Will.I.Am, T-Pain, and Fergie (reprising her role as the Doctor’s companion).


Bear:

Future Doctor:
The Doctor regenerates as a boy band. Played by One Direction. (If you don’t know who they are I demand we swap lives NOW.)

Rory TRUEFACT:
The Weeping Angels fear to blink when Rory Williams is around.

New Movie:
In the Sacred Hearts Hospital, The Doctor faces his greatest enemies – THE CHIEF OF MEDICINE and his cruel associate, THE MATRON. If he’s going to diagnose the strange disease that’s running rampant through the wards, he’ll need help from his sexy new intern, Boobs McCoy.


Quinton:

3. Adam Sandler will play Dr. Who against Nick Swardson as a Weeping Angel with Eddie Murphy voicing a Tardis.


Arivalscientist:

Rory Williams Fact:
Amy’s nickname for him is The Sonic Screwdriver


Penh:

Studio Executive: “What’s that beer that all the nerds like? Pabst, right? I bet we can get a great product placement deal with those guys. Make sure everyone drinks Pabst.”
Different Studio Executive: “Maybe have a scene in there where Doctor Who uses it as emergency fuel for his ‘tard-box or whatever it is, like that Mr. Fusion thing in Back to the Future.”
American Writer: “Sounds awesome! Then he says, “This is one DOCTOR WHO thinks Pabst is the best!’ And his little alien sidekick can try to lift a can up, but falls over! It’ll be great!”


Longbowhunter:

Future Incarnation of the Doctor-a dog. a talking dog. Specifically,a BBC made puppet of a talking dog voiced by an elderly Bob Hoskins. I dont know about you guys,but I’d watch the hell out of that.

Rory Williams Fact-the only amazing fact I know about Rory Williams is the fact that even though he’s kind of an annoying goofball(at least in the episodes I’ve seen) he is still somehow married to the smoking hot Amelia Pond. Thats amazing enough.

Worst scene from the Hollywood Doctor Who movie-at the end of the movie,the Doctor find himself pitted against a horde of sassy smart-mouthed CGI Daleks(think Star Wars prequel Battle Droids except they all shout PIP PIP CHERRIO! instead of Roger roger). All of a sudden the Doctor presses a button on the Tardis and it turns into a giant Transformer complete with giant blue balls…it then proceeds to teabag all the Daleks into oblivion all across Hollywood Blvd. while Smashmouth plays a horrible soul-crushing cover of Anarchy in the UK. The Tardisformer is voiced by Michael Myers and sounds exactly like an autotuned Austin Powers. And copies of it are made into toys and sold in Walmarts all across America,tainting forever how a generation of children in the USA think of Doctor Who.


RandomChance:

Rory Williams fact:
There is a portal on the planet Gallifrey called the Untempered Schism, a gap in the fabric of reality where one could look directly into the vortex of time. Eight-year-old Gallifreyans were taken there as part of their initiation into the Time Lord Academy.
As the Doctor says, “Some would be inspired, some would run away, and some would go mad” The reason for these reactions is that at the very center of that time vortex, these eight-year-old Gallifreyans were all seeing Rory Williams.


TM:

When Daleks encounter Rory Williams, they don’t exterminate. They deficate.


Jeremy:

Near the end of the movie, the Doctor, played by Nicholas Cage with zero accent, will face off against The Master, played by Rowan Atkinson inside an abandoned time-warehouse. The master will inevitably be backed by his hoards of time-henchmen. They will all carry fully automatic time-rifles, while the doctor only has his double sonic screwdrivers, which are magnum revolvers with glowing blue tips. The Master will tell his team to fire, and The Doctor will Jump behind some time-crates for cover. The time-bullets will fly viciously before The Doctor is down to one last round. He suddenly realizes that all of the time-henchmen are standing in front of time-tanks of time-gasoline. The Doctor takes aim, and explodes the gas tanks with the last shot. His companion, played by Megan Fox with a British accent, will see the explosion and think the doctor done for when suddenly he emerges from the time-flames ridding a dark blue Time-Kawasaki, and landing right in front of her. He’ll spout off a one liner before she climbs aboard, and together they ride off into the time-sunset . . . to have lots of time-sex.


Velocirapture:

The movie will end with a showdown on a fast melting iceberg
between neurosurgeon Doctor John Who (Ryan Reynolds, or other
flavor-of-the-week) and Senator Dalek (William Shatner, in a two hour long
cameo). Doctor Who will explain Dalek’s entire plan with preachy exposition and
heavy-handed environmental messages. Just as our “hero” is about to be lost
forever, a submarine named the “Sonic Screwdriver” arrives, piloted by… who
else? Loveable blue CGI dog, TARDIS! The day is saved and the credits roll over
the doctor and TARDIS nurturing a polar bear cub. Also, 3D!


MattKerr:

Future Incarnation of the Doctor: The Doctor regenerates into Ricky Gervais, who becomes less concerned with fixing time and space and more about making wry and borderline offensive (yet very true) comments about the worlds, the universe, and the inhabitants. His companions include a tall lanky Brit of the Woody Allen neuroses named ‘Alan Woods’ (played naturally by longtime Gervais collaborator Stephen Merchant) and Karl Pilkington…playing himself, who just stands around and whines about being away from home and tries to solve everything by his own idiotic outlook. The Daleks, the Cybermen, Davros, the Weeping Angels, all of the Doctor’s enemies are defeated by Karl, mostly because they cannot fathom his head being perfectly round like a fuckin’ orange.


Christopher Holden:

Worst scene in the threatened Doctor Who movie:
The Doctor (played by Jason Statham), a former Galifrey battlefield surgeon, bursts through the wall in his TARDIS (A grandfather clock replica of Big Ben you can walk into ) and shouts “Oi, I’m the Doctor, and it’s time for your bloody checkup!” then proceeds to start destroying Cybermen (who look like 7 foot tall insdistinguishable Bayformers) using his shotgun and sonic scalpel (regular handheld scalpel handle with a laser blade that then extends out to the length and size of a sword and can send out shockwaves.) He rescues his companion (played by Kathrine Heigl) who he traveled through time to save ala Terminator. Heigl wears the 4th Doctor’s scarf which she uses to bandage the Doctor’s exposed muscular chest which had been shot by the Cybermen as they escape. The Doctor’s chest begins to glow as he enters the final battle with the Master, an evil Galifrey Doctor who wants to “Operate” on time, and sports a Fu Manchu. As the Doctor saves the day and the Master barely escapes, the Doctor regenerates into Katherine Keigl’s arms….into a naked George Clooney, and the “TARDIS” strikes 2.


Arcane Geek:

Future Doctor is the guy who was Bill Weasley in Deathly Hallows: Ultimate badass ginger


Matheyus:

In an expositional voice-over at the beginning of the movie,
we learn that Gallifreyan legend speaks of long-lost Lords of Time, possessed
of amazing powers of regeneration.
Unfortunately, none have existed for centuries despite repeated attempts
to rediscover the secret. At the end of
the movie, the Doctor sacrifices himself to protect his human companion, and
passes away after delivering a few tear-jerkingly melodramatic last words. As he lies there, said companion sheds a
single tear that falls, in slow motion, onto the Doctor’s cheek. The Doctor regenerates, becoming a Lord of
Time. He then explains: “Of course!
It was right in front of us for so long, yet we never saw it. The greatest power in the universe…the key to
regeneration… is love!”


Dillon J.:

Future Incarnations of the Doctor
The 12th incarnation of the doctor will weird in that, instead of talking about what he wears that’s cool, he’ll be talking about what he doesn’t wear, specifically because it’s not cool. A number of people will write in angrily when in the middle of the season the Doctor says “I don’t wear condoms. Condoms aren’t cool.”


BlackMarketTrombones:

Matt Smith regenerates into a placid fellow, diffident and slightly absentminded, but well-meaning. He is an older gentleman and cannot keep up the manic pace of his younger incarnations and he is not much at planning, but he always manages to pull a win in the end. He is even-tempered and polite, somewhat bland in appearance and tastes, and always cautious of how his actions might affect events and others. He is still not ginger.


Brent:

2) People believe that Rory Williams joined the Roman Legions as a simple legionnaire. This Is untrue, Rory just put a set of armor and the entire Roman Empire formed around him.


Kevin Garcia:

3) Dr. Foreman Who (Jack Black), his granddaughter Susan (Willow Smith) and their dog K-9 (voiced by Eddie Murphy) are on a race against clock to find the Key of Time and open the Pandorica before the Master (Sacha Baron Cohen) and his transforming Dalek terminators (all played masterfully by Andy Serkis) can get it and unleash the Great Vampires. Disaster is averted thanks to Susan’s human heart (it’s next to her Gallifreyan heart), as she teaches the leader of the Great Vampires, named Baker as a nod to fans of the show (played in an uncredited cameo role by Will Smith) the meaning of family. Just as the Master is completely defeated and unable to get up, Dr. Who uses the Sonic Screwdriver 2.0 (1.0 was destroyed in the first scene) and shoots him in the head, saying “You’ll never be the master… of love.” Credits roll.
After the credits, the Master is shown alive, now with two hearts as well: one Gallifreyan, and one Dalek!


Justus:

1. The 27th Doctor will wear five different distinct coats, three silly hats, and a scarf. He will only have adventures on very cold planets.

2.Rory Williams made the Cybermen feel an emotion. Fear.


SocksArgyle:

3. (Worst Scenes from the recently threatened Doctor Who Movie):
The musical number, with The Blackeyed Peas singing “Let’s Get reTARDISed” while Daleks and Cybermen dance and spin in the background.


Clockwork_Smurf:

Worst – It’s a Pepsi. I drink Pepsi now. Pepsis are cool.


Justin Milam:

2: Rory Williams always gets the top bunk


Roranicus:

2) The only reason Rory died was to take a nap.


Myke Docimo:

? Future Incarnations of the Doctor. The Doctor is finally reincarnated as the Ginger he always wanted, but for the first time he is now a she. The Doctor is a ginger woman. Played by Emma Watson who uses the sonic screwdriver in a wand type motion.

? Worst Scenes from the Recently Threatened Doctor Who Movie.
The film starts with Paul McGann
being blown up in drug cartel fight the Tardis dropped him in the middle of while landing on planet Earth to
investigate energy signatures that match the Master. He is re-incarnated
as Shia LaBeouf using a crappy Euro trash accent. When he is resurrected he tracks down the new incarnation of the master…..David Hasselhoff.

The HMs continue on the next page! There are winners there, too! Just keep reading, okay?

—-


EvilMonkeyPope:

Bumbling highschooler Theo Hoover (Jackson Rathbone) wants to woo popular skank Sarah Jane (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) away from star quarterback Tony “The Master” Masterson (Channing Tatum). He decides to impress her by sneaking into a top secret UNIT (Unified Nanite Integration Technologies) research facility, which he does easily thanks to a Phillips-head screwdriver & a photoshopped ID badge that says “Doctor, The.” He witnesses the unveiling of ex-KGB scientist Professor Dave Ross(Forest Whitaker)’s TARDIS (Tachyonic Arrival Relay Device Incorporating Synchronicity), a time travel app for iPhone. General Al Stuart (Harrison Ford), UNIT’s millitary liason, reveals that he’s working for the flatuent baby-faced Slitheen aliens & steals the TARDIS iPhone so he can prevent the 13 Colonies from winning the Revolutionary War. Theo Hoover gets bumped on the head during The General’s betrayl & when he awakes he thinks his name is The Doctor Who. He has no choice but to use the untested TARDIS prototype that’s been uploaded into the robot rottweiler K-9 (voiced by Adam Sandler) to save George Washington’s life!


HerBN:

Future incarnation of the Doctor: played by a woman. But not just any woman: Olive Tennant, daughter of Georgia Moffet. The new Doctor is the daughter of the Doctor’s daughter and the Doctor, and the granddaughter of the Doctor

Film adaptation: the Doctor starts out with his strict ‘no guns’ rule but he learns eventually that sometimes you just gotta break some rules. He takes a flamethrower and a machine gun and goes under the ground to kick some Silurian butt. Also, the Silurians are invading aliens to make it less ambiguous.
Also, to give the Americans someone to root for, the entire movie is told from the point of view of a young, chaste, heterosexual American captain from WW2 who is very heterosexual and would never think of doing homosexual.


Archefox:

Rory uses a live dalek as a backpack because fuck daleks, that’s why.


Liam Fawks:

Contest# 2 Rory Williams Facts:
The Weeping Angels stop moving if someone looks at them on the off chance that someone is Rory Williams.


Dr. Jamez:

Worst Scene…
In the climax of the “Doctor Who” movie, The Doctor (Russell Brand) and his companion, Rachel (Kristen Stewart) have to stop the Master (Keanu Reeves) from completing his machine that will turn all humans into mutated monkeys. So, the Doctor hops into his TARDIS, and, using the chamelon circuit, transforms it into a tricked-out, armor-plated, heavily armed sports car. He then strorms The Masters’ headquarters, the TARDIS’ advanced weaponry mowing down the Master’s henchmen. Finally, the Doctor emerges from the TARDIS with an enormous Time Lord laser shotgun. After putting some of the still-quivering henchmen out of their misery, The Doctor and the Master stand face to face. “Are you going to shoot me, Doctor?” the Master asks. “No,” the Doctor replies, “I’m going to screw you!” The Doctor drops the gun and, whips out his sonic screwdriver using setting 7,543 which causes the Masters’ twin hearts to explode out of his chest. The Doctor then takes Rachel back to the TARDIS, the inside of which has been transformed into a sexy bridal suite. He lowers the girl to the bed and says, “Now I’ll show you why they call me The Doctor.” They kiss. Fade out. Credits roll.


MosBen:

New Doctor Who Movie: The Doctor travels through space and time to put together the perfect date for his long term, but bitchy, girlfriend, played by Katherine Hegel. He goes to Italy for the best gelato. He goes to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon for the perfect bouquet of flowers. He goes to 24th Century Venezuela to hire the best robotic masseur. Throughout this journey he’s helped by his very best platonic female friend, played by Kate Hudson. Despite this big romantic gesture, his girlfriend doesn’t appreciate him, and she’s probably cheating on him too. That’s when he realizes that good ol’ Kate Hudson is the one that really loves him, and they live happily ever after in space.
Also, I at the end of the movie the Kate Hudson character makes a terrible pun about the Doctor making a house call before they disappear into a bedroom.


ka_The_Doctor:

2) Rory Williams fact, Next season we find out that the Doctor chose that name because the Nurse was taken.


PhantomSpaceman:

-Rory Williams facts: Bruce Wayne wasn’t afraid of bats as a child, he was afraid of Rory Williams. He wanted to fight crime as Rorywilliams Man, but Rory wouldn’t allow it.

-Worst scene from the threatened Doctor Who movie: The movie begins with a narration explaining the history of Gallifrey and the Time Wars. The narrator will speak of “the last Gallifreyan” and his acts that ended the war. As this happens, our attention is drawn to Earth. From there we zoom in to the US, then into California, and then into a nightclub in LA, and then to the back of a man sitting at the bar. The man asks the bartender for “Another round of sonics for me and my companions”. The narration continues as the the man leaves the club with one of the women, and gets into a blue sports car with a license plate reading “TARDIS”. The man takes her home, and we’re shown a very brief sex scene. The woman rolls off the man onto the bed in exasperation. The man stands from the bed and proceeds to put on suit pants and leather jacket. The woman sits up and says “Wow, that was incredible. Who are you?” as she turns on a lamp on the nightstand. At this point, Garret Hedlund turns around with a smug grin on his face and says “I’m the Doctor, baby” as he fixes his tie.


Mellow D.:

Worst Dr. Who movie scene: The ending credits. Because after all is said and done, a Nickelback song that samples the Dr. Who theme playing over the credits is like the turd cherry on the diarrhea sundae.


Cesar:

Well, it’s simple math, really. The 9th doctor, Christopher Eccleston, is 47 years old. The 10th doctor, David Tennant, is 40. The 11th, Matt Smith, is 30. That means that, if the trend continues (and why wouldn’t it), the 12th Doctor will be a smart-ass 20-year-old with a sexy, barely legal female companion he can share weird sexual tension with. The 13th Doctor will be a very obnoxious 10-year-old kid who whines as loud as he can until he gets what he wants, and has decided to endanger the life of an 8-year-old girl who thinks it’s all a game until she dies in a horrible “aw what a cute trash can robot! Can I play with you?” accident. It’ll be very awkward when the 14th Doctor is still a baby in the womb, but I ask you, could you ask for a better companion than Mommy?


EvilMonkeyPope:

Character Options could end the global recession immediately if they’d only produce a 5″ Rory Williams action figure.
This has been a True Rory Fact.


Zac Fu:

How weird will the next Doctor be? He’ll wear a lime green polyester leisure suit and be convinced that “Mustaches are /cool/” — by the 18th incarnation, he’ll have an affinity for sleeveless flannel shirts and trucker caps, and tell his companion to “Git-R-Done”

Rory Williams Fact #523: Rory Williams once had sex in a semi cab. A drop of his semen landed on the engine block. We now know that semi as Optimus Prime.


Lance LeDuc:

The 10th doctor didn’t want to regenerate for fear of meeting Rory Williams.


Pete Clines:

2) Batman has only ever allowed one bumper sticker on the Batmobile. It reads “WWRWD”


Adam Welsh:

The Doctor’s latest regeneration turns him into a triangular slice of melba toast that simply refuses to be buttered.


Madeguy:

Worst Scene from the threatened/probably Americanized Dr Who movie:
um, all of it?
But imagine this teaser trailer if you will:
(deep movieguyvoice) “In a World where Time and Space have no Meaning…”
(montage of Daleks with swastikas on them rolling past the White House,
Confederate soldiers with AK-47’s opening fire into Union troops at Gettysburg, Queen Victoria with vampire fangs wiping blood off her face with a dainty lace hankerchief)
(deep movieguyvoice) “…One Man will put it all together again…”
(slow mo footage of a man, presumably the Doctor but we cannot see his face clearly yet, dressed as the 4th Doctor because Hollywood execs believe American audiences will have no comprehension of any OTHER Doctor, jumping forward towards the camera one step ahead of a giant explosion behind him.)
(The Doctor turns to the camera, revealing himself to be the actor Nicolas Cage, armed with a semi-automatic weapon. Grim-faced, he slides a clip into place and says “The Doctor is IN!!!”
(deep movieguyvoice) “…and its About Time…”


Readerofprey:

Future incarnation: Is actually a past incarnation. We learn that Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka was actually the Doctor deeply undercover as a candy manufacturer in an attempt to defeat the Cybermen, whom he believed were using his rival candy factories to build more cybers and prepare for an invasion. After driving the rivals out of business with his delicious candy and threatening the Cybermen’s operation, they sent several animatronic spies in the form of human children to his factory, whom he exposed and deleted through chocolate tubes, egg chutes, shrinking, and blueberry conversion. After freeing the enslaved alien race, the Ooompa Loompas, the Doctor initiates the self-destruct of every Cyber-infested factory, sadly including his own, but escapes with the only legitimate human child and his guardian in the Tardis, whose Chameleon Circuit now causes it to look like a Great Glass elevator. Using advanced CGI and motion capture to exactly replicate the appearances of the original actors, the series picks up where movie left off and chronicles the adventures of the Doctor, Charlie, and Grandpa as they travel the whole of time and space, fighting evil wherever they encounter it.


The Lewd Ood:

Rory fact: Rory Williams is the reason there are movies starring talking
babies and talking animals. Fuck you, he finds them funny.


zombiealligator:

3) I have no idea what the worst scene from an American movie would be, but Hot Topic will have exclusive merchandising rights.


Natsu Dragneel:

3: In thew movie, the Doctor will be a human with a doctorate in English, leaving him with no marketable skills. The Tardis will be the cardboard box he lives in.


Bazzzinga:

3) The worst scene of the new Doctor Who film would be the scene where you first notice the unsubtly placed Nokia product placement logo on the Doctor’s Sonic Screwdriver.


Lemons:

Rory Williams Facts:
The Doctor is known only on 56 different worlds as the Son in Law of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

And now, finally, the winners. Two things worth mentioning: 1) remember, winners, it’s first come first serve on who gets the DVD sets and who gets Blu-rays, so check your inboxes; and 2) it was really, really tough not to award the prizes just to Rory Wlliams Facts, but I managed to restrain myself. Anyways, here are the four winners of Doctor Who Season 6 Part 2 on DVD or Blu-ray…


JeffJefftyJeff:

Future Incarnations of The Doctor: The 208th (and final) incarnation of The Doctor will be so old and will have traveled so much that he can no longer visit any point in space or time without running into at least one other version of himself (and usually more. For example, during the London Blitz, The Doctor accounts for roughly 12% of the population.) Because of this, he parks the TARDIS on a quiet streetcorner of Cardiff and spends most of his time in a bathrobe watching episodes of Quantum Leap. His companion is a stray cat that he calls The Corsair. He never talks to anyone else except for the 511th incarnation of The Master, who comes over once a week to play checkers, eat pizza and watch Quantum Leap.

This makes a rather shocking amount of sense, actually.

5318008:

? Rory Williams Facts entry
– Rory’s mother tried to abort him in the first trimester. When the doctor at the clinic tried to get in there and do it, he was suddenly dragged in up to his waist, beaten mercilessly, and strangled with the umbilical cord. They never found the doc’s left arm. When Rory was eventually born some months later, he came out wearing the doctor’s Rolex around his tiny little tummy like a championship belt.

This, on the other hand, is so absurd and wrong I just had to pick it.


Arcane Geek:

Rory Williams fears nothing. A trans-spatial hotel with a thousand rooms showing its inhabitants their deepest fears showed Rory the fucking exit.

The best part about this Rory William Fact? It is actually a fact. This happened in the show. Rory is a badass.


InvaderToph:

Worst Scene from the Doctor Who Movie:
The movie opens on a war torn Gallifrey. The camera zooms in on a young woman being chased by a Dalek. It corners her, she raises her hands in a futile attempt to defend herself. The Dalek begins to scream EXTERMINATE. Suddenly a man comes out of no where. His face is hidden in shadow. He delivers a vicious scissor kick to the Dalek stopping the attack. Another kick smashes its skull in. The young woman looks towards her savior.
“Who are you?” she asks
“I’m the Doctor.” the mysterious man says as he runs away.
“Doctor…who?”
TITLE CARD
The New Doctor Who movie staring:
Jason Statham as the Doctor: “I’ll do whatever I have to do to defend my home.”
Christopher Walken as Davros: “You think a kid like you can beat me! I was conquering galaxies when you were still sucking on your mom’s tits!
British chick from Transformers 3 with the nice body but weird fish face (aka Butterface): *stares vacantly*
In theaters July 2013

A lot of people suggested Russell Brand as The Doctor in the Who movie; while I think that would have absolutely happened if the movie was made 2-3 years ago, America seems to have rejected Russell Brand and his works, so I believe we’re safe from that casting. On the other hand, turning Doctor Who into a dumb American action movie with Jason Statham seems upsettingly plausible.

Now for the Grand Prize winners! These folks are getting Doctor Who: The Complete Sixth Series on DVD or Blu-ray, and all the fame and glory that comes with winning a Topless Robot contest! As promised, I picked one winner from each of the three contest themes; shockingly, the fourth winner was not a Rory Fact.


Quixotico:

Future Incarnations of the Doctor
The 83rd Doctor will be a young adult white male with no overt psychological oddities or physical quirks. In many ways, he’ll be completely average in appearance and behavior, aside from his superior intellect and technological advancement.
This will be entirely unique for a number or reasons. For one, this will be the first Doctor in over two dozen generations that is human. The preceding Doctors have been everything from Daleks to sentient toaster ovens. They’ve been every gender that isn’t defined as either male or female. Every race and possible twist on appearance and behavior will have been explored.
The blind 27th Doctor, the cyborg 34th, the lesbian turtle 72nd, the TARDIS 79th (who still required another TARDIS to travel), and even the twin Doctor (two Doctors that were one) from the 19th. At this point in our society and in the Doctor Who mythology, a completely standard Doctor will be the strangest thing anyone can recall watching.

Did Quixotico win because he took the Doctor’s increasingly odd casting to its logical conclusion, or because he used the phrase “lesbian turtle”? Gentlemen don’t tell.


BlackMarketTrombones:

2) A witty and resourceful young woman who looks like a supermodel chose Rory Williams over a godlike being with total dominion over time and space. He shot her. It was the best moment of her life until they were married.

ALSO 100% TRUE. Rory is fucking badass.


Jet:

3) Worst scene form new Doctor Who: The very first line of the very
first appearance of the new doctor is “Hello, my name is Doctor Who.”

THIS IS ALSO 100% TRUE, EVEN THOUGH IT HASN’T HAPPENED YET AND TECHNICALLY CAN’T BE TRUE. There is no way in heaven that the Doctor will not be called “Doctor Who” in a non-canon, big-budget, American -audience-targeted Doctor Who movie. No chance whatsoever.
 

LJSLarsson:

3) In the movie, nobody will be speaking with british dialects. Except the daleks, since they are evil.

BWA HAHAHAHAHA. It’s funny because not because British people are evil, but because most American audiences are stupid. Please note that LJSLarsson also won the Doctor Who season 5 DVD contest from way back; I really, really tried to give his prize to someone else, but his entry was just too damned good. So anyone who says you can’t win multiple TR contests… shut up.

And that is that. Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. Infinite thanks to Warner Bros. for hooking me up with eight Doctor Who DVD sets to give away to you little scamps; if you didn’t win, remember Doctor Who The Complete Sixth Series is available on DVD and Blu-ray here for just $55. You may now resume your Rory worship/fear of the Doctor Who movie as appropriate.