Calling Characters: And the Winners Are…


?/phone rings
/phone rings again
/phone rings another time

/someone picks up

Hello? I wasn’t sure if you were going to answer. This is Rob Bricken from Topless Robot. I’m calling to present the winner of last weekend’s TR contest, sponsored by Motorola and their ATRIX 2 smartphone. Hmm? Why am I talking like this? Well, if you’ll recall, the contest was about what fictional characters would you call and what you’d say to them. So that’s why I’m using this somewhat obnoxious phone call conceit to introduce the contest results. No, I don’t think it’s particularly clever or funny, but it’s all I could come up with. I’m sorry. Look, I’ll just call back after the jump with the honorable mentions and winners.

/hangs up

I’m back with the Honorable Mentions… and I’m calling collect!

Brando Lars:

Call Sandman Logan (from Logan’s Run) tell him his subscription to Utopian Automaton Monthly is expiring then Scream at Him

Paul F – SkullsForTots:

Zaphod Beeblebrox:
“No, I’m sorry, I meant to call the other head, can you pass me over? Yeah, thanks. Hey man, can you help a frood out and drop off the ingredients for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster at my party? What’s in it for you? The love and adoration of a galaxy. No, I’m not sure what that will sell for. Fine asshole, put Ix on.”

Autobot Hot Shot:

I’d call Shinji and tell him Rei’s a clone of his mother. Hilarity ensues.

Gareth Williams:

Personally, I’d just call Shinji and say ” We know what you did”.


I’d call up Mega Man, ask him what fighting each individual Robot Master was like in detail, then watch the phone bill skyrocket over a couple of hours & 80+ robots as I realize that it doesn’t matter, because talking to my childhood idol is totally f***ing worth it.


I would call Lex Luthor, tell him that Batman is Bruce Wayne and Superman is Clark Kent and then laugh at him for being so smart that he couldn’t figure it out

Cloud from FF7 and tell him to pack some Phoenix Downs before he heads out to the Forgotten City.

Finally I would call Bella from Twilight just to distract her so that she almost doesn’t get hit by a car and the entire twilight saga never happens


I’d call Darth Vader and just breathe heavily the entire time. When he inevitably got annoyed, I’d scream, “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, ASSHOLE!?”

I’d prank Wonder Woman and tell her I’m from a company that towed her jet for parking violations. I’d make sure it was somewhere she could run out to check on her parking spot, just to watch her run right into the side of the jet. Because it’s the first thing anyone does when that happens. And i’m a dick.

Thomas Kelley:

I’d call Pearl Forrester, the day before she was due to show “Diabolik.” I would then tell her to remove all Mountain Dew from the castle. That way, she wouldn’t spill any in Brain Guy’s pan, allowing him to prevent Mike’s escape. We would then have many more years of MST3K. You’re welcome.


I vould call GI Joe member Barbecue back in the 80’s informing him that I vould like to offer my vindow viping services. Somehow, from that, he vould stop 9/11 from happening.


I think you’re all overthinking this. Who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!


Actually, I’d call the Filmation Ghostbusters, and ask to speak with Dr. Venkman, Dr. Stantz, Dr. Spengler, Mr. Zeddemore, or Ms. Melnitz. When they reply that they don’t know anyone by those names, I’d go, “Sorry, I thought I was calling The REAL Ghostbusters!”. I’d then laugh maniacally and hang up.


I would call the narrator of Moby Dick… Ishmael.

Paula H.:

Well my sister kick started this one with her weirdness.
Me: Hey is this White Bird?
White Bird: Speaking.
Me: Quick question, you guys are mad about the pigs taking your eggs right?
White Bird: Yeah….
Me: Well why do you drop eggs like bombs? You drop eggs to get eggs? That doesn’t make any sense! Why not just keep the eggs you have —
White Bird hangs up.


I would call the WOPR and ask if it would like to play a game of Global Thermonuclear War.

Monkey boy:

I would call Snake Eyes and ask him….oh wait. Dangit, lemme start over. What? I only get one chance? I guess I’ll just call and…listen to him breathe heavily or something.

It would also be nice to three way call star scream and cobra commander and see if I could keep track of who was talking.


I would three way call Cobra Commander, Star Scream, & Darkstorm from Visionaries & just listen to them say “Hello?” in a pitch that gets gradually higher & higher till all I hear is an audible hiss.


“Hey Harry. You know, I’ve been thinking- and I know you want to give Hedwig her freedom. But, wouldn’t she be better off in a kennel or something? I mean, first off- she’s been domesticated, so there’s no telling how she’d survive in the wild. And secondly, she’s your pet! Who knows… she could come flying back to you at some horribly, emotionally scarring-ly bad time. Oh, just sleep on it, alright?”


I’d call Zordon and ask why is he racist?

L.S. Ramos:

I’d call up any of the myriad fictional versions of H.P. Lovecraft and put him on speakerphone. I’d then fill a Tenga egg with astroglide and pop rocks, and rhythmically pump a recorder (the instrument) in and out of the egg while asking general questions about early 20th century New England life in elementary school level Japanese. Every 23 minutes I’d go completely silent before asking “But anyways, is Nyarlathotep home?” again in rudimentary Japanese, and go back to asking about New England life while pumping the egg. The conversation would begin at 2 AM and would continue for a sum total of 3 hours. That is, if at any point he hung up, I’d stop timing it and call again, not ceasing until we’ve been on the line with one another for three hours.

I’d call Barry Allen while he’s running so that time dilation would run up his phone bill to billions of dollars as punishment for Flashpoint.

I’d call Twilight Sparkle and tell her I love her.

Dr. Abraxas:

Darth Maul’s Lower Half: prrrruffft
Me: at last, I get in touch with the brains of the maul outfit
Darth Maul’s Lower Half: brrruppplefurrrpt
Me: so, how are you gonna “reveal” yourself to the jedi now, ahahahahahah!!!!!!1!


I would call Duty and tell it to stop calling me.


To Zordon: You know 5 goody goody teenagers from the suburbs doesn’t really equate to attitude. Just saying.

To Iceman: You know you never really answered your mom’s question. Have you tried NOT being a mutant? It’s not like you need the ice to live or anything…

John Mapes:

I would call Bespin Cloud City’s air shaft maintenance office and ask if they found a hand.


Jon Snow: Hello?
Me: You know nothing, Jon Snow
Jon Snow: Who is this? You call me every-


Call Captain America, tell him that he owes $532,780.45 for overdue library books fees from 1944.

Chris McQuaid:

Doctor Who:
“I need you to get these pills to my girlfriend…”

Clint Verdonschot:

As a non-U.S.-citizen, undeterred by not aiming for the big prize, this would be my phonecall:

“Hello? Is this the Marshall College Committee on Education? I’m calling to issue a complaint against professor Jones. I took his course on archaeology this semester and I am greatly upset. We are now well into the semester, but there is yet to be a second class. Besides this, in the introductory class, the professor did little more than just rambling about how we should follow philosophy classes if we’re interested in the truth and how ‘X never marks the spot’, and to top it off, the professor seemed to flirt constantly with his female students. I have tried to contact his secretary several times to ask why the professor has failed to attend his own courses, but every time I call I get random replies that ‘he is in Venice at the moment’ and ‘yes, there were some new developments and he was needed in the Middle East’. Never have I encountered such an ignorance to academic discipline! If the professor is really such a globetrotter, which I doubt, and he is not making his secretary put on a show, which I suspect is closer to the truth, I expect from you that the tuition fees I paid for this semester be reinstated. Also I would like to see an investigation concerning the professor’s academic integrity… Yes. Yes. My studentnumber is 818489… What? No, not 81848908, just 818489. Yes, drop the ’08 at the end entirely… Ok, thank you.”

Adam Williamson:

One character, one call, right? I’d initially want to give Thomas Wayne a
heads up that it might be a better idea to go out for a burger or
something, but that seems like it just deprives us all of Batman. No,
there’s one great fictional phone call that I think could really make
the world a better place.

I’d call Buffy Summers, and I’d let her know that there’s a town in
Washington full of vampires and werewolves, and that she’d probably
better check it out. Violently.


Call up Link. Yell HEY! LISTEN!, then inform him that he can open doors by pressing the A button.


Me: Is this Optimus Prime?
OP: Yes human. What do you want?
Me: Look, you don’t know me, but have you heard of Michael Bay?
OP: Yes, I have met with the human known as Michael Bay. He is going to make a motion picture about our adventures.
Me: Look, Optimus. I love you & all the Transformers. You’ve been a huge part of my childhood, and of millions of other people. You don’t know Michael Bay, but we do. He is going to do you irreparable harm.
OP: No human can bring harm to The Autobots.
Me: Believe me, this one can. He can make you look stupid. He can make you into a joke. Would you ever urinate on a human?
OP: What is this urinate? Is this an organic waste function? We have no waste.
Me: Well, he is going to make one of you leak car fluids onto the actor known as John Turturro.
OP: How do you know this? Are you a wizard? A wise being?
Me: No, I’ve just seen what Michael Bay does. He cares nothing for your adventures. I would wager that he has never seen your cartoon, read your comics or even bought one of your toys for a child.
OP: Then why would he presume to create a motion picture based on something he knows nothing about?
Me: Repeat after me Optimus. Michael Bay is an asshat.
OP: Ass….. Hat.
Me: He wants to use you to make money. He wants nothing more than to squeeze millions of dollars out of the dreams of a generation of people who watched you when they were kids and who used to dream of seeing you on the big screen doing battle with The Decepticons.
OP: Ass….. Hat
Me: That’s right buddy. He’s an asshat.

The Lewd Ood:

I’d call 11 year old Harry Potter: “I know he looks sneaky, but for everyone’s sake, please just fucking trust Severus Snape, OK?”

Paige Oliver:

1.) Calling Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson from the 1979 Soviet TV series: “God, just make out already.”
2) Calling Holmes and Watson from the 1984 Granada TV series: “God, just make out already.”
3.) Calling Holmes and Watson from the 2010 BBC series: “GOD, just MAKE OUT already!”


1. I’d call Deadpool and tell him about this contest, then ask him if he wants to join me in crank calling the next entries on my list.
2. Deadpool and I would call Lex Luthor. We’d try to pretend we were from a bakery and demand he give back those forty cakes he took from us or we would take legal action, but would end up laughing halfway through and messing up the call. Then we’d sing an obnoxious song we made up on the spot about Mexican food until Lex swears and hangs up. And that’s terrible.

Hob Anagarak:

“Moe’s Tavern.”
“Hey, you know all those prank calls you’ve been getting all these years? It’s Bart Simpson.”

Scooter Atreides:

I’d ring up one Hoban “Wash” Washburn aboard the Firefly Serenity just before they arrive at Miranda and simply say: “Just remember: You are NOT a “Leaf On The Wind”…Now get your goofy ass away from the gorram windshield!”

Josh Z:

Dialing: 867-5309
Hello, Jenny? Yes, I’m looking for a good time. I’ve been led to understand that you can oblige.


Also to Indiana Jones: wear a goddamn condom, asshole. It’ll save a LOT of people a LOT of grief down the line.


The Doctor: I need help programming this awesome new phone I won, and since you fly around the space-time continuum in an old British phone booth, I was wondering…


Cloud, you are the result of 4 billion years of successful evolution. Now fucking act like it! You can cast unfathomably powerful spells that obliterate any obstacles that clutter your path in your never-ending adventure you call life. Stop with the emo business. You’re life is money.


“Hello is this the Imperial Senate representative Jar Jar Binks?”
“YES theesa Jar Jar Binks whoosa are yooo sa?”
“I’m calling from the Senate Office of Bail Organa on Alderaan, he requires your presence for the grand unveiling of Alderaans new Galactic Empire communications satellite.”
“Meesa never hoird of this comoinicashoon satellite”
“Really? You’ve never heard of the Dual-band Empirical Alderaan Tele-communications Hub developed by Star industries?… Also referred to as the Death Star for short”
“Oh wait meesa hava vague meemory of hearin theesa deff star before, tell the seenator meesa will be on zee next transport to Alderaan… BYEEE!”
*Hangs Up
Oh I’m sure you will Jar Jar, I’m sure you will… BWAHAHAHAHAHA… MUAHAHAHAHAHA


Clark Kent: Hello, Daily Planet, Clark Kent speaking.
Me: Listen, Kent. I know you’re Superman. If you don’t give me 20 million dollars, I’ll tell the world your little secret. (Sound of someone bursting through my wall)
Me: No, wait…! (Sound of Superman’s laser beam eyes burning me to a crisp)

Bruce Wayne: Hello, Bruce Wayne speaking.
Me: Listen up, Wayne. I know you’re Batman. If you don’t give me 10 million dollars, I’ll tell the world your little secret. (Sound of my window softly sliding open in the darkness)
Me: Is someone there…? (Sound of Batman stealthily sneaking up behind me and snapping my neck)

Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern: Hey, what’s up? Hal Jordan here.
Me: You suck. (Click)

Please hold for the three shirt winners…


I would prank call Dana Barrett.
Me: “Is your refrigerator running?”
Dana: “Let me go check…”
The fridge door opens.


“Hello? …Mr. Burton? …Yes? …Jack Burton? …Yes? I’m just calling,
sir, to let you know that your insurance claim has been approved.
…Yes, sir. It has. …Yes, sir. …Okay, sir. …Yes. Oh – and, Mr.
Burton? …Yes? …The check is in the mail.”


I’d call M. Bison and personally thank him for visiting my village last Tuesday, for it truly was the most important day of my life.

And now for the winners of the grand prize, including the Motorola ATRIX 2, the HD Dock, the Lapdock 100, the Nav Dock and more…


I would call Ray Stantz and ask him “Are you a god?”…just to see if he learned his lesson.

BRILLIANCE. It might be weird to have two Ghostbusters-themed entries — I find it a little odd myself — but I can’t deny SaintKrispy’s wonderful prank on Dana, nor can I refute the simple majesty of TheRam’s entry. As you can tell from the HMs, though, it was a very close and hard-fought battle, and I had a hell of a time picking the winners.

But I did, and that is that. Thanks to everyone who entered, and especially to Motorola for sponsoring the contest! Make sure to come back Friday, because there’s another special contest, with prizes nerds of any nation and cellphone plan can enjoy. I think you’ll find it the cat’s meow…