The 13 Greatest Fictional Scots of Nerd-Dom


?It may surprise you to read this, but Scots have infested your favorite nerdy properties. They’re not even content to remain in the ones set exclusively in Scotland. What else did you expect from the visionary creators of the haggis?

Topless Robot is the only news blog with the guts to publish a hard-hitting expos? on thirteen of the best of these imaginary Scots; all other fictitious Scots are #14 or lesser. Please note: Zygons pretending to be Scots don’t count because they weren’t born in Scotland. Looking good in a skirt is a requirement; as kilts are traditional clan menswear, this levels the playing field for all sexes. Being ginger is optional. You’ll notice the Loch Ness Monster is notoriously absent from this list, because Nessie is 100% real.

13) Wolfsbane, X-Men


?Rhane Sinclair was raised by Dr. Moira MacTaggert after her lycanthropic powers manifested, and eventually set the record for having spots on the most auxiliary X-teams (six). Her hard-line Presbyterian beliefs frequently clash with her lupine instincts; this conflict came to a head when she ate her illegitimate father, Reverend Craig of the genocidal Purifiers. Later, Wolfsbane got knocked up by Hrimhari, an Asgardian wolf prince, who sacrificed himself to save her and their magical unborn hybrid. Then she unjustifiably abandoned her adorable puppy after birthing it orally, which will probably motivate it to cause Armageddon as the prophecy foretells. Wolfsbane mostly talks about how she’ll burn in Hell for all eternity for being a sinner, making her Marvel’s biggest Debbie Downer.

12) Mirror Master, The Flash


?Scottish mercenary Evan McCulloch was outfitted with the original Mirror Master’s costume and gear by a business consortium trying to end Animal Man’s animal rights activism, but he betrayed them after they targeted the hero’s family. He’s more creative with his use of illusion-casting mirrors than his American predecessor, Sam Scudder, and uses them to bedevil the Flash; he even discovered a Mirror Dimension that allows him to teleport between any reflective surfaces. Unfortunately, Mirror Master became a cokehead just to have something to do with all his extra mirrors, but he still generously donates most of his ill-gotten loot to his childhood orphanage in Kirkcaldy. Plus, Mirror Master still wears the most aggressively anti-literal costume of any gimmick villain, which is neat.

11) Jamie McCrimmon, Doctor Who

Jamie McCrimmon, The Doctor’s most swashbuckling companion, met the Time Lord as a piper for Clan McLaren after the Battle of Culloden in 1746. He was gallant with fellow companions Victor and Zoe, wry enough to banter with The Doctor, and was providing fan service in his kilt before the BBC began broadcasting in color. Many an alien foe was shanked by his dirk. The Time Lords erased Jamie’s mind and sent him back to Culloden just before the second Doctor’s regeneration, but both returned 16 years later to meet the Sixth in the “The Two Doctors.” Because this event doesn’t fit the show’s continuity, Whovians have theorized it’s part of a “series 6B” of unseen adventures of Jamie and the second Doctor immediately prior to their original exits. That still doesn’t make sense, so wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey etc.

10) Duff Killigan, Kim Possible

Duff Killigan is the self-proclaimed “World’s Deadliest Golfer” and rightly so (suck it, Sportsmaster!). He’s able to demonstrate that trick golf balls aren’t that much worse than trick arrows, especially if you have a tartan blimp. Although somewhat evil, Duff is a nice enough host to share his haggis with any who trespasses into his castle, regardless of whether they’d like any; indeed, had he not been banned from every golf course in the world, he wouldn’t have had to resort to a life of villainy at all. Unlike most villains, he doesn’t rely on nameless henchmen, just his balls (so to speak). In an alternate dystopian future ruled by Shego, he will become RoboDuff, the “World’s Deadliest Golfing Cyborg.” After Ron Stoppable points out that it can’t be a crowded field, Duff admits his new title is a bit daft.

9) Amy Pond, Doctor Who

After encountering The Doctor as a wee girl, Amelia Pond went a bit mad for him. He returned 12 years later to set things right by inviting the older, much hotter Amelia Pond aboard the TARDIS, and the witty firebrand enthusiastically took to wild adventures through time and space, perhaps because she grew up in a house containing a crack in the fabric of space-time (at any rate this somehow made her memories key to restoring the universe after it imploded). Amy has deep abandonment issues (mostly due to The Doctor not being punctual), which she sublimates into narcissism. She mellowed out a bit after making an honest man out of Rory Williams, the universe’s most patient yet inexplicably badass boyfriend. Amy and Rory are the first couple to have unprotected sex in a bunk bed in the TARDIS; River Song is the result of their combined awesome.

8) Dr. Moira MacTaggert, X-Men


?World-class geneticist Dr. Moira MacTaggert was introduced to the X-Men as their housekeeper (with an M-16 assault rifle). She soon quit to run her own research facility on Muir Island where she became a font of pseudo-scientific infodumps. After winning the award for The Worst Mother of the 20th Century for how she raised her son, Proteus, Moira did a better job as Wolfsbane’s adoptive mother (not good, just “better”). She was the first human to contract the Legacy Virus, which was previously exclusive to mutants, finally discovering a cure for the virus just before Mystique killed her. She will forever be remembered for wearing yellow and maroon tights even though she didn’t do any real superhero-ing.


7) Angus Podgorny, Monty Python’s Flying Circus

According to his wife, Mary, Angus Podgorny is a stupid man. At least he’s not mad, which makes his epic tragedy and semi-triumph more credible. Because he’d only sold nine & a half kilts the previous year, Angus was easily lured by the chance to sell 48,000,000 kilts to a Blancmange from the planet Skyron. Little did he realize the Blancmange needed the kilts to turn all of England into Scots in a plot to win at Wimbledon! (Experts have yet to rule out Blancmanges as the cause of the Scottish ubiquity in nerdy properties.) After the Blancmange devoured Mary Podgorny in front of Angus, either to punish him for his greed or silence her sensible talk, Podgorny manages to redeem himself by becoming the first Scotsman to win at Wimbledon… 15 years later.

6) Proteus, X-Men


?Another MacTaggart? Indeed. The onset of Kevin MacTaggert’s mutantcy rendered him living energy that needed to possess others, which would eventually burn up those host bodies. His mum, the aforementioned Dr. Moira MacTaggert, grounded him for life and started calling him as “Mutant X,” which probably didn’t help his abandonment issues. When he escaped, the sadistic and justifiably peeved Proteus cut a swath of surrealist destruction from Muir Island to Edinburgh using his power to make reality his bitch. Wolverine had a nervous breakdown after Proteus turned him into a living Dali painting. He turned his mom into a dwarf elephant out of gratitude & killed his politician dad by using him up as a vessel. Proteus is deathly allergic to metals, which proved to be his downfall when he attempted to possess Colossus. Proteus is such a great villain that writers won’t stop resurrecting him, once during an X-Men/Star Trek crossover.

5) Scrooge McDuck, DuckTales

Scrooge McDuck embodies the Horatio Alger myth, which is incredibly helpful since nobody reads Alger’s books anymore. Scrooge earned his lucky Number One Dime shining shoes as a 13-year-old Glaswegian duck in 1877, which inspired him to head to the Klondike. After striking gold, he became the richest duck in the world & moved to Duckburg. He must have secret super avian strength for him to dive through the gold inside his Money Bin like a porpoise, burrow through it like a gopher, & let it rain down upon his head without injury. His curmudgeonly aspects have softened since adopting his three nephews, but he’s still a colossal skinflint. Unlike Mirror Master, the charitable crook, he only believes in fair compensation for honest work. While most would rewrite history by solving a mystery, Scrooge is so wealthy that he can afford to do both separately.

4) Lord Summerisle, The Wicker Man


?The third Lord Summerisle must have the patience of a saint. There’s no other explanation for how he could put up with the abrasively myopic Sgt. Howie for so long, even if he did need a sacrifice to ensure a proper harvest. It’s his congeniality coupled with an excellent singing voice that make the Lord Summerisle immensely popular with his subjects — h is infectious joie de virve and aplomb in pulling off a long con keeps the island’s traditions alive. He certainly throws the world’s best May Day parade. And it’s his dedication to ancient Druidic rites that keeps Summerisle the West Hebrides’ premiere produce exporter to this very day (if that human sacrifice is a jerk who tried to shove the Bible down everyone’s throat as soon as he arrived, all the better). What more could you ask for in a laird?

3) The Scotsman, Samurai Jack

The Scotsman is one of the few beings capable going toe-to-toe with Samurai Jack and living to tell the tale; even Jack’s enchanted katana can’t break his magic rune-inscribed claymore. Despite their opposite personalities, the two bond as only courageous warriors with a need to one-up each other can. He predates Planet Terror‘s Cherry Darling in having a machine gun for a leg, and his kitten-faced sporran stores impossibly large equipment, ranging from grenades to bagpipes. Plus, he can make alligator robots explode just by head-butting them. Not only is he a superhumanly strong berserker, he also has psychological warfare covered through his mastery of bombastic trash-talking. Through all adversity, the Scotsman is sustained by his love for his bonny wife, who strikes fear into the hearts of lesser men.

2) Connor MacLeod, Highlander

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! Or two, if you watch Highlander: The Series. Connor is the original and still the best nigh-immortal MacLeod. Born in 1518 in Glenfinnan near Loch Shiel, Connor became an Immortal after being stabbed in the tummy by the Kurgan. After being expelled from his clan for witchcraft, he was trained in the ways of Immortals and swordsmanship by Juan S?nchez Villa-Lobos Ram?rez (who also had a Scottish accent, oddly). Armed with his teacher’s anachronistic katana, MacLeod became a globetrotting antiques dealer and serial decapitator. He got impaled repeatedly in a drunken duel in 1886 without complaining. He’s so smooth he can reminisce about the Montgolfier brothers while uncorking vintage wine for the detective trying to bust him. Connor received The Prize after beheading the Kurgan in 1986 and absorbing the animated (no CGI malarkey!) spirits of all the deceased Immortals. Connor now knows everything, so that’s cool.

1) Montgomery “Scotty” Scott, Star Trek

Gene Roddenberry once wrote a letter to James Doohan saying “We don’t think we need an engineer in the series.” He was wrong. As chief engineer of the USS Enterprise, Scotty became the show’s only indispensable character in a red shirt. He spends his whole career trying to figure out crazy ways of doing things to save his ship and its crew. Scotty will gladly sock any Klingon in the face who dares talk trash about his beloved Enterprise. Although he achieves the rank of captain, Scotty is happiest as the Enterprise‘s engineer. He even sabotages his new posting, the USS Excelsior, to help out his old crew. He’s clever enough to survive for 75 years by storing himself in a transporter buffer loop. Scotty is also a connoisseur of liquor, particularly whiskey; just don’t try to foist any of that synthehol crap on him. In 2007, the real Scottish city of Linlithgow dedicated a plaque to preemptively commemorate Scotty’s birth there in 2222.