?About an hour after I posted the Topless Robot Yo Momma Contest on Friday — after I saw how awesome the results were going to be — I decided to extend it from five entries per person to unlimited entries per person. But then I got distracted, and forgot to ever mention it. While you may be disappointed, it was probably for the best, especially when I woke up yesterday to find over 800 comments in the post. That’s plenty, and if there’d been more I probably wouldn’t have the results until next week.
Anyways, two things before we get started: 1) much, much thanks to T-Shirts.com for sponsoring the contest, and giving six winners a coupon for one of their many nerdy (and non-nerdy) shirts — you should definitely check them out if you have a chance. 2) The Bat-momma image above comes from Brando Lars, who will be winning one of T-Shirts.com‘s six prizes for his art. But that still leaves five winners and a whole lot of HMs! Yo momma would want you to hit the jump!
Yo mentions so honorable, they — wait.
? Yo Mamma so slutty that after Luke Skywalker shot his torpedo in her exhaust port she went and blew.
? Yo Mamma is like a STD Pokemon master because she has caught them all!!!
? Yo Mamma so ugly that when she went to the dark side, everyone went back.
Yo Mamma been around the block more than pizza boomerang.
Yo mama so fat, the Slitheen want to know if they can rent her out as a duplex.
“Your mother is such a non-erudite individual that she believes that Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales doesn’t lose some of its power in its translation into modern English.”
Yo mama so slutty, even the DCNU Starfire thinks she’s a skank!
? Yo Mamma’s so fat, I thought she’d have Princess Leia on a leash beside her.
? Yo Mamma’s so ugly she could model for Rob Liefeld.
Yo mamma so ugly when she went to see The Dark Knight Rises, he couldn’t.
? Your maternal unit is so antiquated, it is still equipped with a basic binary memory core
? Yo momma so stupid, she entered this contest more than five times
Yo momma is so fat that Zod is content with her nodding before him.
Yo momma so fat, last Halloween she just glued some buttons on herself & went out as an original Xbox controller!
Your Momma’s so Ugly Stan Winston takes credit for her creation!
Yo Mommas so fat the Enterprise traveled back in time to get her to answer to the alien probe.
Yo mamma is so ugly they cut her Cantina scenes in Star Wars
Yo momma so fat, you can determine both her momentum and position by means of the same measurement.
Isn’t the essence of nerd humor an abject failure successfully to engage in basic social functions, such as the riffing on tropes, that might allow some sort of bonding with normal people? Example: when I was in the scouts, our “troop cheer” was always either south American socialist propaganda slogans mis-transliterated into gibberish, Muppet quotes, or something from Monty Python (and not that bullshit from Holy Grail or Life of Brian that everybody knows, you poseur). Our response? Sheer hilarity! All the *other* scout troops, who were shouting about their spirit animals or whatever? They just gave us blank stares.
The point is, the jokes of a Genuine Nerd (watch “Crumb” or look it up), particularly when they involve variations on a theme, should fall utterly flat, and inadvertently reveal the debilitating social awkwardness of the teller. Thus: 1) Yo mama so dumb, I was going to roll her attack against the Thought Eater – you know, from the original Manual? because the second edition really ruined their backstory, and they’re totally derivative anyway – but then I realized that our cleric still had the scroll about how she could level up to a Soulknife if she could steal the Thought Eater’s armor by rolling a critical hit, but she’d need to be wearing the Elven cloak with the +5 to Intelligence, because she was SO DUMB. Get it??
You momma so ugly, she had to make you out of clay.
Yo mamma so fat even storm troopers couldn’t miss her
Yo momma so easy, the Starks call her Winter!
Yo mama so fat it took a chestburster 3 weeks to get out of her.
Yo momma’s so fat all her base are belong to ERRRRRRYBODY.
Your mama is so dumb that she walked out of X-Men wondering why Gandalf didn’t just blast Picard with his wand
yo mamma so fat that when someone in a final fantasy game casts meteo, yo mamma falls from the sky
Yo Momma so scary, the Bene Gesserit rewrote the Litany Against Fear:
I must not fear Yo Momma,
Yo Momma is the Mind-Killer,
Yo Momma is the Little Death that brings total obliteration,
I will face Yo Momma,
I will permit her to pass over me and through me,
And when she has gone past I will turn the inner eye and see her path,
Where Yo Momma has gone there will be nothing left,
Only I will remain.
Yo Momma’s so rank Stinkor had to crack a window.
Yo Mamma so fat and stupid, when they executed Order 66 she asked for extra gravy
yo momma so ugly, even magic the gathering nerds won’t tap her.
? Your mother’s so stupid she thought the sonic screwdriver was made with vodka, orange juice and hedgehog
? Your Mother’s so stupid she, not only got involved in a land war in Asia, but also went against a Sicilian while death was on the line
? Yo momma is so stupid that Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson wrote “Yo Momma of Dune” and it still made more sense than yo momma.
? Yo momma is so annoying that Navi finally told her “HEY LISTEN! SHUT UP, BITCH, OR I WILL CUT YOU”
To momma is so fat they needed to get three Cylons to pose as her!
Yo momma is so stupid, she keeps entering these TR contests, even though clearly noone thinks she is funny or clever; and the only HM she has won was way back during the William Shatner contest. She is too stupid to know when to quit!
(OMG! I am my own momma!)
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu yo mama wgah’nagl fhtagn.
Yo mama so fat, Obi wan kenobi said “yep thats a fucking moon”
Yo Mama so old, she remembers when The Doctor was an Undergrad.
Yo mama is so slutty that she’s given more blow jobs then
all the Original NES players in the world combined.
Yo momma’s so dead, she justifies your existence as Batman.
To go against the flow and still hope these count as entries:
? Yo daddy’s dick is so small even the Atom can’t find it.
? Yo daddy’s so fat, the Katamari prince can’t push him.
? Yo momma so stupid she thinks Metroid is hemorrhoid medication.
? Yo momma so stupid she won’t play 4th Edition D & D because she hasn’t played the first 3 editions and doesn’t want to spoil the ending.
Yo momma so slutty she been fucked more times than Power Girl’s continuity.
Yo momma so dumb, even Naruto can’t believe it.
Charles T. Arthur:
Yo momma’s so stupid that she thinks Jar Jar is filled with Peanut Butter Peanut Butter!
Your Momma so nice that she rarely, if ever makes fun of my grotesque overweight brain dead mother.
Yo-Yo Ma can play the cello so good that he…. I think I’m playing this game wrong.
Yo mamma’s so fat, she’s heralded by the Silver Surfer when she goes to a restaurant.
For fun: Yo pappy’s so ugly, Skynet sent a Terminator back in time to kill him, even though he had nothing to do with the human resistance.
Yo momma’s such a slut she’s been sleeping with The Kettlebacks and Moon Boy for all I know!
? Yo momma so slutty, she has a difficulty class of 1.
? Yo momma so loose, two men enter, one man leaves.
Yo momma’s so ugly she bought Daikatana because no one but John Romero wanted her to be their bitch.
Lex Seasononeepisodefive Barac:
Yo Mamma so fat it took johnny 5 a week to read her t-shirt
Hey, Shinji, yo mamma’s so… uh… well…
Actually, I think I’ll stay away from yo momma.
Yo’ momma’s so fat, she got assigned two Green Lanterns.
yo momma so fat, when she uses Splash, it’s super effective
Frederick S. Newcombe III:
Yo mamma so fat, Scorpion goes over to her.
Yo Mamma so slutty Frank Miller made her Catwoman in Batman: Year One. Upon review even he was offended by the pervading misogny she brought to the work, so to tone it down he brought back Selina Kyle and made her just a prostitute.
Now for the winners! As you can probably guess from some of the hysterical jokes above, deciding the winners was nigh impossible — certainly, a lot more folks could have easily won were there more prizes. Alas, as usual, I just had to go with what entertained me the most. Now, as I mentioned in the intro, Brando Lars is one of the six winners, thanks to his image, so here are the other five:
Your momma’s so fat Toad says she’s in ALL the castles.
Yo momma so fat that when she took the black she broke the Wall.
Yo momma so slutty you got 6 possible secret origin stories.
Yo momma so dumb she argues endlessly that Frodo could have just ridden a giant eagle into Mordor and dropped the Ring into Mount Doom from the air, even though all the characters in the book say over and over again that Sauron can SEE EVERYWHERE and that stealth was their only hope of getting getting anywhere with it. Did it ever occur to yo momma that Sauron’s GIANT EYE may notice a squadron of eagles flying straight for him carrying a halfling for no apparent reason, unable to hide or take any kind of cover? And that once his attention was well and truly focused on them, He would likely sense the presence of the Ring and be able to take action against them, like flying Nazgul or arrows or fireballs or any number of crazy evil magical spells? And that even if Frodo and the Bird Brigade were able to get past whatever Sauron would throw at them and get into Mordor, they would be flying straight into a very active volcano spewing smoke and ash everywhere, screwing with visibility and trajectory and making it like trying to drop a penny onto the roof of an apartment building in the middle of a heavy fog from a biplane that’s currently on fire? And that if they missed or were captured, they would basically be handing Sauron the Ring on a silver platter? DID YO MOMMA EVER THINK OF THAT? HUH?!
Yo mama so fat she got sorted into the House of Pancakes!!!
Honestly, ZacFu’s line is so good I almost want another Harry Potter book just so J.K. Rowling can insert it.
And that’s that! As always, congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered — as well as T-Shirts.com for sponsoring the contest. I hope all yo mommas are proud.