?Two items of business before we start the day’s wretchedess: 1) I want to thank Gareth Williams for taking on the thankless task of tabulating votes for the worst fan fics I’ve featured here on Topless Robot. I haven’t figured out exactly how I’ll present them yet, but you’ll get to see them eventually. 2) I also want to thank Nick R. for making the perfect “Joy/Head Asplode” combination pic, which was missing in last week’s tale of madness “Tron Bone.”
Unfortunately, it will not be necessary for today’s FFF. This is because today’s FFF stars Nickelodeon cartoon star Catdog, in a tale written by OrneryTexan and sent to me by Spudfella, and there’s not an iota of joy to be found in it. If you don’t know Catdog, here’s the salient points from Wikipedia:
The series follows the adventures of CatDog, a conjoined twinhybrid of a cat and dog
with two heads (one at either end of its single body) and no tail or
hind legs. Because of their strange condition, CatDog are seen as
outcasts in the city of Nearburg and are often harassed by their
neighbor, Winslow, a devious blue mouse, and the Greaser Dogs, a gang of tough dogs. However, this is not so uncommon, as everyone else in their family are conjoined hybrids as well.
The series depicts them as being as different as cats and dogs – Dog
loves rock n’ roll, Cat does not. Dog loves to chase garbage trucks, Cat
does not. However, they are best friends.
Best friends… who are about become a whole lot more. /weeps uncontrollably
Before we start the story proper, there’s an author’s note I feel compelled to share:
(A/N: This is a sort of AU where CatDog are separate, as much as I’d
love for them to stay attached it was confusing to make it work, so I
thought it was easier if they were separate, enjoy.)
? WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING FUCKMIXERS. THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT THEM AT ALL. THE MAIN CONCEIT OF CATDOG IS THAT CATDOG IS ONE GODDAMNED ENTITY. THEY ARE CONJOINED TWINS WITHOUT GENITALIA, OR EVEN THE BASIC BODY LOCATION FOR GENITALIA. IF YOU SEPARATE CATDOG INTO AN INDIVIDUAL CAT AND DOG FOR THE PURPOSES OF EROTIC FAN FICTION YOU HAVE FAILED ON EVERY LEVEL. YOU HAVE FAILED AS A CATDOG FAN, YOU HAVE FAILED AS AN EROTIC FAN FICTION WRITER, AND YOU HAVE FAILED IN DIMENSIONS HITHERTO UNKNOWN TO MODERN SCIENCE. YOU SHOULD EITHER HAVE WRITTEN ABOUT A TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND SEPARATE CAT AND DOG PAIR FUCKING EACH OTHER, OR, IF YOU FOUND CATDOG SO FUCKING EROTIC YOU HAD TO WRITE ABOUT HIM/THEM ANYWAYS THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD THE IMAGINATION TO FIGURE OUT TO TO MAKE CATDOG HAVE SEX WITH HIMSELF AS IS. OR, AND I STATE THIS WITH AS MUCH INDIGNANT WRATH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING EVER AND BROKEN YOUR COMPUTER WITH A HAMMER AND SET THE PIECES ON FIRE AND THEN THROWN THE BURNT ASHES INTO THE SEA TO NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN.
…now we begin.
It was getting late in the night, and on top of a hill towering above
the slumbering town of Nearberg was a house that was half fish-half
bone. There lived two brothers, one a Cat, the other a Dog.
Despite their species difference the brothers acted just like regular
brothers, never really paying attention to their differences.
ACTUALLY I’M STILL COMPLETELY FURIOUS. I DO NOT APPROVE OF HAVING EROTIC FEELING FOR CARTOON CONJOINED TWINS OF DIFFERENT ANIMAL SPECIES WHO ARE NEVERTHELESS DIRECTLY RELATED. BUT IF YOU’RE GOING TO WRITE ABOUT CARTOON CAT AND DOG WHO ARE BROTHER FUCKING EACH OTHER AT LEAST HAVE THE MINIMUM OF DECENCY — THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM — NOT TO TOTALLY IGNORE THE SOLE CHARACTERISTIC THAT MAKES THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN’S CARTOON EVEN SLIGHTLY UNIQUE. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH.
But just like brothers they always had their spats and arguments,
tonight was going to be no different but it was going to be a night they
would remember forever. Because you see, the maturing brothers were
left with one very important need unsatisfied.
Dog was whimpering in his sleep while tossing and turning, doing so he kicked and woke up his much annoyed brother.
“Dog please, it’s 11 at night and I’m trying to sleep.” Cat said
glaring at Dog who sat up in an awkward position, hiding something under
“Oh I’m sorry Cat, I try to sleep but I just can’t, I….I-what are you doing?” Dog protested as he saw Cat edge closer to him.
$5 says it’s not Words with Friends.
Dog then covered himself even more, trying to keep Cat from discovering his reason for his sleepless behavior.
“Dog, just what are you trying to hide under there?”
“Nothing Cat now stop!”
Cat’s constant intruding to Dog’s personal space led them to a small
struggle, Dog trying desperately to keep Cat from seeing his
“condition”. It eventually proved futile when their tussle knocked them both out of
their bed, it was then Cat finally saw Dog’s huge throbbing erection
shooting out his sheath.
Embarrassed he let out a whimper and crossed his legs, giving Cat a look of anger and sadness.
Dog constantly lick their own balls and other dogs’ assholes. I don’t know how embarrassed any dog would or should be of jerking off. Of course, that presumes the dog didn’t SUDDENLY DEVELOP THE ENTIRE LOWER HALF OF HIS BODY FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING STORY.
“There OK! Now you know, are you happy now?” Dog said as his face
flushed and his eyes grew puffy, he was caught off guard when his
brother scooted himself next to him.
“Ok Dog, you’re right. I’m sorry, but it’s nothing to be…you know, ashamed of.”
“What do you mean? I can’t control it and it’s so embarrassing, I wish
it would just go away.” Dog starred at his crotch with disgust for his
own anatomy. Cat then came closer, putting his arm around Dog’s
SIR, I WOULD DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF YOUR HORRIBLE CARTOON BESTIALITY INCEST STORY BUT I’M TOO BUSY PLOTTING YOUR DEATH FOR WRITING THIS RIDICULOUS BULLSHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
“Listen Dog, this is all perfectly normal, hey it happens to me too sometimes.” Cat said trying to keep Dog content.
“You too Cat?”
“Oh yes, after all we are a maturing Dog and Cat at a healthy breeding age. So what you got there is just a passing thing.”
“But Cat, does that mean he have to find females?”
“Well Dog, normally yes….only no female ever wants to talk to us.” Cat said a little glum.
And suddenly, a window into the author’s real life opens.
“So does that mean we look for males?” Dog said with bliss ignorance in
his voice. Cat gave a slight look of confusion, but thinking a bit he
smiled a bit.
“No, Dog, we pay for women! Quick, to the sketchy underpass downtown!”
“Well…..” Cat said twittering his thumbs in his hands.
“We could……but I got a better idea.”
Cat picked up Dog and set him down on their bed, Dog lying just complied, that was until he felt a hand grab hold of his cock.
“Cat what are you doing!?” Dog said defensively as he swatted Cat’s hand away from his neither regions.
I hate it when cartoon characters in shitty erotic fan fiction play hard to get. Mostly because it just drags things out.
“Come on Dog, we both have needs that we want satisfied, it will just be for one night.”
Oh, Cat. Gay interspecies incest is like Lay’s potato chips. Betcha can’t eat just one.
“Does this mean you’re going to be my boyfriend?”
“YOU’RE SUFFOCATING ME!”
“Wa-no, Dog this is just sexual gratification for both of us, nothing more, nothing less ok.”
“Oh okie-dokie Cat.”
“Good, now sit back and just relax.”
I have my doubts any cat, cartoon or otherwise, would willingly provide a handjob without receiving sexual satisfaction first. Call me crazy, but I doubt cats would be the most generous lovers. Also, after calling me crazy, please saw off my head and launch it into the sun so I never have to run an FFF again.
Cat once again grabbed hold of Dog’s cock and began moving his hand up
and down, Dog was already rock hard so there was no need to try to get
him anymore exited. Cat listened at the happy pants coming from his
brother and prided himself that he was giving him the pleasure, even if
it was his brother.
?I’ll take “Things You Should Never Be Able to Derive Pride from” for $200, Alex.
Cat then got on the bed and positioned himself between Dog’s open legs,
with his hands gripping the knot at the base of his cock, Cat stuck out
his tongue and gave a long slow lick on the underside of his cock.
Dog squirmed in both joy and pleasure, the feelings were new to him and
he loved every minute of it, taking notice of Dog’s moans of pleasure
he decided to take it a bit further. Giving more exploratory licks over
his cock and knot, Dog reveled in the feeling of Cat’s saliva running
down his cock.
Dog reveled in the feeling of hot sandpaper tearing thin layers of flesh off his penis.
Cat, having prepared Dog, decided to suck and tease the tip of his
dick, Dog grabbed the sides of Cat’s head as he instinctually started
trusting his dick deeper into Cat’s mouth. Cat still kept control and
soon felt and tasted the pre-cum leaking out Dog’s cock.
Cat then with his other hand groped Dog’s balls as he continued sucking
and jerking his brother. Dog moaned even more as Cat’s tongue started
making a circular motion around his cock, Dog felt his lower regions
began to tingle, his cock began to do the same.
Cat, Cat I-I feel like…ooohhhh.”
Dog couldn’t finish his sentence as he finally came inside Cat’s mouth,
Cat was surprised at how much cum Dog released as most of it leaked out
the side of his mouth, he swallowed as much as he could and when he
moved his head up a surprise squirt of cum sprayed Cat’s face.
And then, if he’s like any other cat, Cat immediately vomited in one of his owner’s shoes.
“Cat, that was…was…*pant* *pant*”
Cat leaned foreword and landed a kiss on Dog, he willingly complied and
returned the kiss, their tongues juggling the cum that Cat still had in
?I’ve heard of cats named Snowball, but that’s ridiculous.
“That was your first time wasn’t it?” Cat said with a smug smile. “I knew you had a huge load just waiting to be released.”
Okay, it’s official — I will never, ever be able to have an erection within 50 yards of any domestic housepet.
Cat positioned himself on top of Dog, his own erection now fully awake and ready for action.
“Now for the real fun part.” Cat said as his cock started pushing
against Dog’s orifice, but then much to Cat’s dismay Dog began to
“Hey what are you doing?”
“What do you think, I helped you, now it’s my turn.”
“Oh no, no no no, I know that your wee-wee has tiny hooks that hurt.”
Dog said backing away from the emanate source of pain, Cat merely put
his hand over his face in agitation.
OH, FUCK YOU, ORNERYTEXAN. FUCK YOU IN YOUR STUPID FUCKING BRAIN FOR MAKING THE GENITALIA OF THESE CARTOON ANIMALS REALISTICALLY CORRECT MERE SECONDS AFTER YOU HAD A CAT GIVE A DOG A BLOWDOG WHILE USING HIS HAND — NOT HIS PAW — TO MASSAGE HIS BALLS. FUCK YOU TO HELL. YOU ARE THE WORST AND I HATE YOU.
“First of all their barbs, not hooks, second it’s not like your’s is
any less painful, you got a swollen knot the size of a tennis ball.” Cat
said pointing to the large mass of flesh at the base of Dog’s cock.
“Thank you.” Dog said mistaking the statement for a complement, then
Dog in a flash switched with Cat, putting him on top and him on bottom.
“Besides, I wanna do this part.”
“What, Why? You already came.”
“I know, but it felt so good I wanted to do it again, please.”
Dog gave Cat the sad puppy eyes, and in moments Cat gave in.
“Ok fine, on one condition…I stay on top.”
1) CAT IN CATDOG IS A SELFISH BASTARD. 2) CATS IN REAL LIFE ARE SELFISH BASTARDS. NEITHER THE FICTIONAL CARTOON CHARACTER NOR A REAL MEMBER OF THE ENTIRE SPECIES YOU’RE WRITING ABOUT WOULD ACT IN THIS MANNER. YOU HAVE FAILED BEYOND WORDS, BEYOND THOUGHT, BEYOND HOPE. IF THERE IS A GOD, AND READING THIS STORY I CAN’T IMAGINE THAT THERE IS, HE MUST BE SHUDDERING IN AWE AND FEAR AND LEVEL OF FAIL YOU HAVE JUST REACHED.
Cat then quickly walked out the door, swaying his figure in a seductive manner.
Every once in a while I wonder if I’m being too hard on these erotic fan fic authors, and then I read a sentence like this, and I realize I wish I could legally beat them to death with a sack of nails.
“Where you going Cat?”
“I’ll just be a minute Dog.” Cat looked back and gave one of his famous smiles.
Dog watched as he admired his slender feline body and began what it was
Cat was getting, maybe a treat, or maybe one of those toys for sex he
heard about. Cat walked back to the bedroom holding a short canister.
Please let it be sarin gas.
“What’s that you got there Cat?”
“It’s lubricant, it will help…make it easier shall we say.”
Cat walked over and with a glop of lubricant in his palm, he began
rubbing the cool smooth jelly substance on Dog’s member, prepping him
for the real fun soon to come.
Cat positioned himself on top of Dog, and Dog who was gripping onto Cat’s haunches began to force himself inside Cat.
“Augh, hey not so fast Dog.”
“Ops, sorry Cat.” Dog said with an embarrassed smile.
Well, even though we have to read about cartoon animals committing incest, at least we have this scintillating conversation to keep us entertained.
Taking it more slowly, Cat lowered himself onto his brother, his face
clenching from the brief uncomfortable feeling but knew it would pass.
Dog continued to hold on to Cat’s thighs as he slowly began pumping.
Cat’s gruff moans only encouraged Dog to start picking up speed, but
only a little bit since he didn’t want to hurt his brother.
“Uh…fuck Dog.” Cat said as his brother continued to fuck him.
?Please note I would prefer to run the Picard Facepalm pic one million times here, but for the sake of readability and your computer’s processing power, I’m only running it the once. Please just imagine I’ve posted it a million times, because that how fucking stupid the line “Uh…fuck Dog.” is.
Dog buried his face in Cat’s chest, licking his bare chest as Cat’s pre-cum started dripping on his own chest.
Dog loved this, he couldn’t believe how tight his brother was,
?My only consolation is that, presuming OrneryTexan is in fact in Taxes, I believe it’s probably legal to beat him to deal with a sack of nails there for writing this story.
it was a
feeling he didn’t want to end anytime soon, but the pleasure was almost
too much for him.
He felt the urge to go faster and faster.
“Ugh, f-faster Dog.” It was the response Dog was hoping to hear.
Groaning and panting with his tongue hanging loose, Dog began thrusting
his aching cock deeper into his brother, Cat soon began to love the
feeling of being fucked, Cat never admitted it but Dog’s cock has huge
and there was no argument in that.
Well, in the author’s defense, I guess Cat and Dog have technically combined again.
Cat now fell forward, holding himself on the bedpost as Dog groped his thighs and continued to fuck more wildly by the second.
“Oh god Dog, you really know how to make me beg for it do you.”
“Say it Cat, say it.”
“Ugh……..Fuck me harder Dog.”
You know, not that this story is arousing in the least — not in content, and certainly not in the horrible writing — but I defy anyone to write any story of any genuine sexual appeal when the characters are named “Cat” and “Dog.”
For once Dog felt like the dominate one, taking control of his brother,
and giving him what he wanted, but only if he begged for it.
Dog suddenly gripped tighter as his trust became short and forceful.
They both screamed as Dog came deep inside Cat, both breathing heavily
Cat lifted himself from his brother and felt the cum leak out of his
ass, and felt the emptiness without Dog’s cock inside him, but now Cat
wanted his due.
Seriously. Let me read this single line to a jury, and I doubt any court would convict me or murder. Certainly not in Texas. I’d probably get a medal.
Dog began snuggling against Cat but he soon forced him down to the level of his cock.
“What’s wrong Cat?”
“I gave you a blowjob, and I even let you fuck me, and I still hadn’t
cum yet, now you’re going to help me with that, it’s only fair.”
Dog nodded and grabbed hold of his brother’s cock, he gave an experimental lick before fully taking it inside his mouth.
…and his tongue was immediately shredded by the barbs BECAUSE THIS IS BIOLOGICALLY REALISTIC INTERSPECIES INCEST ORAL SEX, YOU SEE
He sometimes mimicked what Cat did since he had no real idea how to do
it. To make it easier on him he imagined it was a popsicle and began
sucking on his cock a lot harder.
Cat twitched as Dog would hit certain sweet spots around his member,
Dog’s long skillful tongue was working itself around his cock and he
soon felt the sensation of his orgasm building.
Cat held on to Dog’s head as he was about to shoot his load.
Dog, I’m gunna-oohh.” Cat said before his cum squirted into Dog’s mouth and face.
Man, it’s coming down like cats and dog out here.
Dog lifted his face and embraced Cat with a kiss, the same way Cat did
with him, soon they were both exhausted and snuggled close together in
STOP SNOWBALLING EACH OTHER YOU HORRIBLE FILTHY FICTIONAL CARTOON ANIMALS
“You know Dog, we can make this a more than once a night occasion.”
“Yes Cat, we sure can.” Dog said before burying himself into Cat’s chest and falling asleep.
“Goodnight Dog.” was all he could say before throwing his arms around him and too fell asleep.
THE END. Of all that’s good and holy in this universe. The end of decency, and honor, and love. Now begins the dark times, the times when we must continue to try to lead our lives, knowing that this story exists, and the author is still out there, not beaten to death with a sack of nails, and that happiness can never truly be achieved again in this world. It’s the end, people.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.