?I watched the final episode of The Fades this weekend while this contest was going on. DAMN. It was hardcore. It was also awesome enough that — well, I won’t say I’m dying for season two, given The Fades‘ subject matter of angry ghosts who can’t pass on and decide to take out their frustration on the living — but I will say I’m eagerly awaiting it.
So if you’re not one of the five lucky winners of The Fades Season One on DVD, courtesy of BBC Home Entertainment, and you enjoy massively entertaining supernatural dramas, I highly suggest you check it out (or even purchase it here). As always, much, much thanks to the Beeb for sponsoring this weekend’s contest! Your HMs and winners are on the other side.
Not death. Just the jump. I wanted to be clear.
Honorable Mentions are just ghosts of winners that haven’t passed on yet. CREEPY.
My version of nerd hell would be an eternity of reading a really, REALLY good book in a public place, and being interrupted contstantly – but randomly – by other people who are bored, see that I’m reading a book and assume *I* must be bored, and then say “Whatcha reading?” And I’ll tell them. And they’ll say “What’s it about?” And I’ll reluctantly tell them it’s genre fiction. And they’ll say “Oh. Do you like it?” AND IT WILL NEVER, NEVER STOP!!!
simple words – there is always a quarter up on the arcade machine
there is no internet access
Heaven: Jack Kirby, Michael Turner, Joe Simon, Dwayne McGuiffe and Mark Gruenwald working together to create a new bevy of heroes. Such heroes will be portrayed in movies by the likes of Humphrey Bogart, Darren McGavin, James Dean and Steve McQueen and Paul Newman. All on new digital iScrens by Steve Jobs.
Nerd Heaven – The TV plays new episodes of ‘Swat Kats’ and ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ every day. There are unending fountains of Dr Pepper and trays of hot wings, and I never get fat no matter how much I eat. 1970s Linda Carter Wonder Woman is my girlfriend/sexgoddess. And I have Ted Turner, George Lucas, Michael Bay, M Night Shamalan and Roland Emmerich sunk in a pit of scorpions eternally screaming “We’re Sorry! We’re Sorry!”
Nerd Hell – The TV plays new episodes of ‘Family Guy’ and ‘Johnny Test’ every hour. The only thing to eat are Wheat Thins (BLEACH!) and if I eat one I balloon up like a hippo. Snooki is my girlfiend/rapist. Ted Turner, George Lucas, Michael Bay, M Night Shamalan and Roland Emmerich take daily turns destroying my favorite shows and movies and making me watch as they do it.
Nerd Hell: Every month for eternity, you find a new, brilliant author to read, who has a whole 12-book series planned! And then he or she dies right in the middle of writing the final book that will resolve everything. It’s like the Tantalus of genre fiction.
Nerd Heaven: This is simple: eternity itself. Having the time to play/watch/read everything you’ve ever wanted to but haven’t had the chance to because of work and other commitments. Just endless time is all I need, thanks.
In nerd Heaven, Nathan Fillion stars as the leading man in every movie. Nice guys finish first at everything. Attractive members of the sex you prefer are fascinated by tales of Westerosian political machinations. All red shirts live forever and Wesley Crusher was never born. Ron Moore and Damon Lindelof create alternate last seasons for BSG and Lost that end exactly the way you think they should have. At one point, the Doctor rescues you from nerd Heaven and takes you on adventures in time and space which are, amazingly, even better.
In nerd Hell, you’re constantly forced to watch the Star Wars prequels, as directed by Michael Bay. The lion Voltron never existed. It was just the one made of vehicles. Not only do all Whedon characters die, but the actors die as well. All superhero teams are made exclusively of Spider-Man and Wolverine and nobody else. Community is brought back to TV, but is cancelled and pulled form the air halfway through airing the first new episode. Every nerd is the center of a human centipede. The person in front of you is the person you had a crush on but never asked out, and they’re fed a constant diet of super spicy chili and Indian food. Also, people are always saying, “irregardless”, “ATM machine”, and “what up, brah?” while popping their collars.
Nerd Hell is a neverending toy shop filled with all the beautiful nerdy merchandise you always wanted but could never afford or just never owned for some reason. It’s just you and a horde of other lonely, sweaty nerds cramped into the aisles doomed to simply stare up at the shelves upon shelves of Hot Toys Avengers sets, rare LEGO minifigures, and the unreleased DVD of the Galaxy Quest sequel with Brian Blessed as a Khan counterpart. And at the very top shelf, locked away forever in a transparent glass square, sits a curmudgeonly old nerd racist called Harrison Ford, a symbol of the approval you will never win from the bitter idol who was supposed to love you back. He says nothing. Nobody does. And after the allure of the REAL FUNCTIONING ThinkGeek Portal Gun becomes too much, you bite your own tongue off and wait to bleed out on the floor. Bill Murray will then dance on your head until you stop caring.
It is a place where all the shows you loved were not canceled, and all your nerd friends were there, but shows you disagreed on didn’t exist when you were together. Science and Technology got the same respect as sports, and the quality of a person’s body was directly tied to the quality of their brains. You actually could make a living running D&D for your friends, and God had finally given the rest of us the formula to the Universe before going on an extended vacation.
The only show on television is Jersey Shore. The only books are Twilight. The only job is Insurance Sales.
And we all report to my mom.
Comic Nerd Heaven – An infinite comic book store, with titles stretching out in every direction like an M.C.Escher drawing. Where all of the employees are knowledgeable about the product, friendly and respectful of your personal boundaries. Where the creative team on every book in the store is your favorite writers and artists and the Ultra-Rare variants are always the same price as the regular edition, and the comics are never bent, torn or misprinted.
Comic Nerd Hell – Same as above, but you only have a $5 in your wallet, all the books are $5.99 and the store owner does not extend credit.
Nerd heaven – mine has always been a perpetual convention. The dealers room as a lending library, that gets all the new stuff as it comes out and has every out of print title. Thousands of restaurants, and all the media tracks and panels you could want from all your heroes (they could drop in from their heavens, transit is great up there). Movie, TV, etc on screen, hologram, whatever. Perpetual parties, with alcohol just like in the good old days (REAL Pan Galactic Gargleblasters!). And facilities for you to make your own creations. Being able to hang with my friends and make new ones for eternity. Yeah, I could handle that.
Nerd Heaven: You can publicly admit to being a fan of Sci-Fi/Fantasy, comic books, animation and videogames without fear of being percieved as weird, childish or experiencing social ostracisation. Also, free ponies for everyone! (except cloppers)
Nerd Hell: You are trapped for eternity with thousands of people who misinterpret or make factual errors about the properties you love. As they drone on with their ignorant and misinformed opinions (only pedophiles watch anime [even Ghibli], Star Trek and Star Wars are interchangeable, Batman is a sexist because he won’t let Batgirl call herself Batwoman, videogames will never be art but eviscerated cows totally count…) you are prevented from correcting them. In any. WAY.
As these backward fucktards desecrate the things you love with their insulting dismissals, you are rendered unable to silence them, to defend that which you hold so dear, or even from communicating your sheer contempt for these unworthy critics. Forever. The end effect is nails on the chalkboard of your very sensibilities as a nerd, an attack on everything you believe and stand for.
You are butthurt, and you cannot vent your fury.
You have no mouth, and you must scream.
Sum Ellis Ock:
Hell: Let’s see…
Every day is the Matty
Sale time… Stuck on The Mattycollector RSOD while on a 28.8kbps Dial-Up
Modem! 3 months of wait and the figures arrive all broken and calls to CS that lead
EVERY MOVIE in the
world is available to you, but the good ones are either YTP versions of them,
or Michael Bay Reboots…
All games and
consoles are available, but no controllers.
You know that ONE
Sub-genre that does NOT turn you on at all? Well, you own ALL of the porn from
that sub-genre… and you can’t trade.
You’ll be begging
for Liefeld after a few days of awful art and mediocre writing…
Jersey Shore, 16
and Pregnant, Teen Mom… all of those groan inducing craptacular shows, ALL
The time… Fear not Bronies, there is My Little Pony in Hell… G3 My Little
Pony, that is…
Panel… Millions of Twihards cheering at the panel. Stephenie
Meyer eats you at the end of the panel, but your organs regenerate Prometheus
Nerd Heaven is Slave Girl Leia, Lara Croft and Power Girl having an eternity-long pillow fight tournament while Batman helps you catch Pokemon in the sparkling fields of The Shire. You enjoy a cool drink with Jessica Rabbit and James Bond at the Doctor Who bar then play a quick game of Lightcycle Mario Kart with the cast of Firefly. And finally, you retire to your bedroom, the Holodeck, and live out a new dream every night while Sex Bob-Omb perform their twenty eight cover of the Modal Nodes song.
Nerd Heaven will be ruled by Alan Moore who will use his radical thinking to bring forth a great society.
Nerd Hell will be ruled by post-90’s Alan Moore.
Heaven would be being able to watch any nerd property ever made at any time on youtube for all eternity.
Hell would be being forced to read to comments sections.
Being that I agree with Moviebob that nerd is not so much about what you like but how you like it, my version of hell is more existential, and kind of related to Nietzsche’s Eternal Return, except you know, so not an affirmation. You go through your normal daily routine forever and ever without access to the movie/book/music/whatever you love the most. Worse, there is no trace of information about it anywhere that you can find. You know you love it, that it brings you joy, but your memory of it is failing. You cannot remember everything about it and cannot find a way to refresh it. Your day goes dully on and on as the memories of it fade into vague impressions. You try to remember, but you can’t until finally there is just you and the routine, and nothing to help you get through it.
Heaven’s easier. An endless repetition of your first joyful experience of the ‘thing’. You forget only to experience it again.
Nerd Heaven: In my nerd heaven, I get to replace Doctor John Watson and solve cases with Sherlock Holmes. We never grow old or take up beekeeping; rather, the two of us are somehow imbued with skills that allow us to help with crimes in all universes. We travel in the TARDIS and help The Doctor sometimes; sometimes we get called in by Fringe Division; once in a while, we go to Hogwarts and teach classes about deduction and magic. Life is totally and completely awesome.
Nerd Hell: I enter a Topless Robot contest every week for all of eternity, get a fair number of Honorable Mentions, and never win a fucking shirt. I am, however, unable to stop, and in between contests, I’m forced to listen to FFFs being read aloud by somebody doing a bad Alan Rickman impersonation. I have only the tears of my own misery to drink.
Nerd Valhalla: a place to argue for your favorite nerdy properties with violence using weapons from the fictions you love against all the other nerds who have made it hear. the weapons are balanced so nothing is too powerful. Should you fall in battle, you will be taken to Great Convention Hall where a feast has been prepared before a panel of different nerd celebrities each day. After the food, rest, and question section, you will awake on the morrow to do battle once more.
Nerd Hell: you arrive to wait in a line. around you are the other nerds who made it down with you continuously bickering about how your favorite property sucks. no one has showered since they have arrived. once you finally make it to the end of the line you will be told who the celebrity panel is for the day. you will then be told that the room is full and no one else may enter by a shape shifting demon who will turn into the person who picked on you most during your life. You will then be made to go to the back of the line to wait for the next panel. Once every 3000 years, you will be allowed to enter the panel, but it will only comprise of either Michael Bay, Rob Liefeld, or the guy who wrote “Squick”
Hell: Oda only needs to draw three more chapters for One Piece, which would complete the epic I followed for the last fourteen years. Unfortunately, a tragic accident occurs, and the world loses Oda and ending to his masterpiece. My hell will be that I’ll be reading the awful news announcement on Anime News Network. Every time I reach the end the article, I wake up on my couch as if I had a horrible nightmare. Thinking that it’s just a dream, I decide to check ANN to get my dose of Anime News Nina but I’ll see the announcement again. This cycle viciously repeats for eternity without me learning that I’m in hell, and I’ll be on an emotional roller coaster, switching between feeling deep sadness to relief for eternity. I’ll want to go crazy, but I can’t even do that.
Ante-Hell/Acheron (apathy): endless loop of Nic Cage screaming “THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Circle 1/Limbo (righteous nonbelievers): pretty chill, except everyone’s depressed because they know in advance hyped movies will suck
Circle 2 (lust): FFF every day
Circle 3 (gluttony): enslavement to Jabba (gold bikinis required)
Circle 4 (greed): all are tied up in Alan Moore’s beard as he forever rants about how their sins ruined culture
Circle 5 (anger): the nerd version of Jersey Shore’s test audience
Circle 6 (heresy): an eternal internet flame war, with actual flames
Circle 7 (violence): real life Super Meat Boy, with even less chance of winning
Circle 8 (fraud): what happens when a Cyberman realizes he’s human, but without the grace of dying
Circle 9 (treachery): down here, raping your childhood is no hyperbolic expression
Nerd heaven: an old bookstore.
King of Knives:
Nerd Hell: High School.
Nerd Heaven: High School, with powered armor and cat girls.
My idea of nerd heaven is simple. It’s a place where the public library has unlimited funding, unlimited support, and with regards to interior design and space, every public library anywhere is part of the same immense TARDIS. You walk through a door and end up in a place where every bit of culture, pop to classic to ancient to pre-historic, is at your fingertips. It’s part Alexandria, part comic book store. And it has everything you ever wanted. You can pick up the most current issue of One Piece and a John Wayne double feature for Grandpa, and if you’re curious about your weekly horoscope, you can browse today’s paper while you’re there. You’ll have a guaranteed place at a computer if you need access to your email. You can print and copy anything you need. And it’s all free.
It’s a physical version of what I wish the internet could be. Free for everyone, accessible to everyone, and featuring real paper and ink books.
In nerd hell, Bruce Wayne’s parents stayed home that night, Dracula sparkles, with great power comes musicals, and the only thing that stays in its original packaging is your virginity.
Heaven- As a fanfic writer and avid fanfic reader my heaven was a no brainer. I would be equipped with a device that would allow me to slip seamlessly into my favorite fandoms and either interact with the characters and become part of the fabric of the universe or stay in the shadows and watch the happenings. I wouldn’t be a bother but end up being integral to plots without ruining the stories or worlds that I enter.
Hell- Being forced to watch some spoiled little Mary Sue with the same device run rough shod over the very worlds that I love. Making everyone fall in love with her, forcing characters to deviate from their plans and totally ruining everything. I’d be unable to do anything except weep silently as I’m forced to watch her destroy what I love. Oh and there’d be this endless vapid chatspeak scrolling that’s meant to be the character’s internal monologue and I HAVE TO READ EVERY WORD. God I’m tearing up just thinking about it.
I walk towards the light…a John Williams score is playing…I hear a voice…”Welcome, my son. Here we only celebrate the best of Star Wars!” I did it, I think. I made it into heaven.
I walk in – there’s Boba Fett, and Luke, and Vader…there’s Greedo and Han in the canteena…Greedo shoots first, then Han…hold on, that’s not right…
“Come on!” says the voice. “You’ll be late for the Gungan parade!”
“There’s a Gungan parade in heaven?” I ask.
“Heaven?” says the voice, right behind me. I turn around and see George Lucas, circa 2012. “What makes you think this is heaven?”
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!” I scream. To my eternal shame, I sound just like Vader in Revenge of the Sith.
For me, Nerd Hell is an anime convention hallway. I’m wearing a fairly skimpy costume that shows off a decent amount of skin, but my friends are nowhere in sight and the hall is full of disgusting obese sweaty otaku who stalk me night and day for photos and hugs and contact with a female and god knows what else.
I’m not allowed to say no and have to pander to whatever it is they want me to do. Everybody sees this happening, and they don’t interrupt or protest. On the contrary, they take their own photos of me being violated in several different ways.
This was based off of some experiences I’ve had irl, and if I may paraphrase Jean-Paul Sartre, “Hell is other conventiongoers.”
Nerd Hell is simple: You are eternally 12-years-old and stuck in a middle school gym class. Not the one your friends are in. They are in the other middle school gym class. In Nerd Hell, there are only two.
Heaven: I have a very simple view on Heaven. It’ll be kind of like the Muslim Martyrs’ heaven but rather than 76 virgins, its 76 nerd gods. I’ll just name a few for the sake of space: James Marsters, Eliza Dushku, Benedict Cumberbatch, Alan Rickman circa Die Hard, David Tennant, Karen Gillan, Zachery Levi, Michael Shanks, Amanda Tapping, Alex Kingston, Chris Eccleston, Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin, Colin Morgan, Ewan McGregor, Jeffrey Combs (just as Weyoun) and for those who I don’t want to fuck: Gene Roddenberry, Majel Barrett, Leonard Nimoy, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Matt Smith, Simon Pegg, Yul Brennar, Danny Kay, and Errol Flynn for the pleasure of basking in their awesomeness.
Nerd Hell: The only porn is Rob Liefeld drawn foot fetish pics.
Keith Lloyd Town:
being trapped in a room with people who can only communicate via Monty Python’s Holy Grail Quotes. As a nerd, i feel like this hell comes true far too often
You are in a single room. The floor is composed of metal grating, and there’s a constant fire below you. You’re not in pain from the heat, but it’s always there, and there’s no where to find relief. On chance, you happen to hear something moving around in the room below you. As you look around, you see someone carting…something towards the fire. When they start dumping the contents, you notice that, they are destroying everything you would have ever wanted.
Concept art from your favorite show? On fire.
Action figures from your childhood? Currently melting.
Interview transcripts from your favorite actors talking about the shows you love that, for some reason, never saw the light of day? Lost forever.
Everything that you would have loved to see, read, do, listen, it’s now the fuel for the fire that constantly roasts you. And every time you scream at the figure, they just look up at you, grin, and say,”You think that’s bad? Wait until I bring in the next load.”
And now for the winners! Now, I know I said I’d pick two heavens and two hells, but then 90% of you guys paired your entries together, often thematically, making them difficult if not impossible to separate. I assure you, I didn’t penalize anybody who entered only one or the other, or didn’t pair them — but whether you’re looking for the best heaven or hell, these are the four best entries anyways.
Nerd heaven is where every episode of Doctor Who exists, Willliam Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, Jon Pertwee, Nicholas Courtney, Elisabeth Sladen are quite healthy, Colin Baker got to have a spectacular era, Christopher Eccleston made enough seasons to last Vishnu’s lifetime, every Dalek story has the quality of a Fritz Lang film, and where our kind and loving Moffat-god stares at us with delight.
Nerd Hell is where the Star Wars prequels can make hundreds of millions of dollars, Firefly can’t even get one season, Mervyn Peake couldn’t finish all ten books of Gormenghast, GRRM keeps stalling on finishing ASoLaF, MST3k isn’t on the air, JMS becomes a preachy hack, Spectacular Spider-Man can’t get more than 26 episodes, Evangelion movies have to take over 3 years to make, and–Oh… wait.
Hell is an incredibly attractive significant other, feigning interest in everything you like. And getting every comparison, reference, and quote *just* short of accurate. And everytime you correct them, they fawningly think it’s just so cute, like when Fievel lead the rats out of NiMH. This is Hell the likes of which Dante would envision, if nerdery were a sin.
Nerd Heaven: being four again, and having all the adventures you thought up with your non-matching action figures actually happening. Batman saves the TMNT from Grimlock, and Egon provides air support in the ECTO-2.
My nerd hell would be a Tantalus-like scenario wherein whenever I sit down someone shows up to be an entitled dick (“Female comicbook characters are drawn like that because it’s EMPOWERING!” “I’ve been playing DnD since I was in diapers, and you haven’t even read the Player Handbook?” “The Star Trek reboot should never have been made!”) and whenever I stand up a smug non-nerd wanders by to offer me insights I don’t want or need (“You read comics? But you’re…a girl?” “I’ve heard that cons are just massive orgies” “You do WHAT with three hours of your time a week? Dungeons and Dragons? Is that the one where you go to parks and hit people with foam swords? Sounds…fun.”)
Hell is other people.
“And lo, the angel showed me the waters of Mt. Dew, which were like unto the mingling of topaz and emerald, and four buxom Night Elf wenches stood upon the shores with pizza and knowing smiles. And I heard the voice of Bruce Campbell from above, and he spake thus: ‘Take from these purple trollops your pizza and your pleasure, and afterwards retire to the man cave for the dungeons and dragons. Later, I will join you for “Evil Dead IV”‘. And yea, I didst as the Bruce bid me, and ate of the pizza from their lithe, outstretched hands. And verily, the wenches tittered at my Monty Python quotes, and did not mind the jiggling of my man breasts or the sound of my inhaler as I acted out scenes. And lo, we went to the man cave for the games of pleasure, and I was overjoyed that I did not have to be the cleric again. And the most beautiful of the wenches touched mine arm lovingly and said, ‘Is that a Gundam tattoo? How cool! Come and fill us with your seed, which is like unto a natural 20.’ And verily, it was good. ” – Poindexter 13:5-14
“Then the Devil said to his brethren, ‘Bind him hand and foot, and throw him into the pit of sports fans for all eternity’. And they did as they were bid, and there was a great weeping and a gnashing of teeth. And yea, I landed before three hairy, jerseyed beasts, who belched and scratched themselves copiously, and looked upon me with dull, lifeless eyes. ‘Hustle, fifty-yard line, DEFENSE?’ they yelled at me, and the sausage breath that wafted forth was like the stench of the tomb. My blood ran cold, and weeping, I called on my tormentors to have mercy, but they were deaf to my cries. One beast then grabbed mine arm, and sat me between them on a couch as they passed the hot wings and the nachos. ‘Nascar, scrimmage, tits,’ said one beast, its jaws dribbling sauce as it stared at a giant screen. ‘Tits, beer, Dodge Ram Pick-up’, replied the other. I tore my hair from its roots and cackled madly.” – Urkel, 9:1-9
I did, however, decide to keep my word to award a prize to one more unusual entry — which happened to be more clever than it was descriptive.
Heaven: Everything you like are mainstream hits.
Hell: Everything you like are mainstream hits.
Well played, ILDC. Congrats to you and the other four winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. And special thanks to BBC Home Entertainment for sponsoring the contest — again, if you get a chance to check out The Fades, I highly recommend it. And if you don’t get a chance, I also recommend you make a chance.