?Rather than do my normal intro, I’d like to talk about Alan Moore for a sec — specifically, Moore’s response when someone asked him how he could be upset about Before Watchmen when he’s been using other people’s characters in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen for years.
In literature, I would say that it’s different. I would say, and it
might be splitting hairs, but I’m not adapting these characters. I’m not
doing an adaptation of Dracula or King Solomon’s Mines.
What I am doing is stealing them. There is a difference between doing
an adaptation, which is evil, and actually stealing the characters,
which, as long as everybody’s dead or you don’t mention the names, is
perfectly alright by me. I’m not trying to be glib here, I genuinely do
feel that in literature you’ve got a tradition that goes back to Jason And The Argonauts
of combining literary characters […] It’s just irresistible to do
these fictional mash-ups. They’ve been going on for hundreds of years
and I feel I’m a part of a proud literary tradition in doing that. With
taking comic characters that have been created by cheated old men, I
feel that that is different […] And that’s my take on the subject.
This is, of course, profoundly stupid, but it made me realize I’m also okay with Moore’s League, but disapproving of Before Watchmen. Why is that? I’m honestly not 100% sure, but I do know that I don’t mind when someone makes new adaptations of Dracula or 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or Batman, because while they’re wonderful and entertaining, I don’t consider them works of art like, say Stendahl or Thoman Mann or, yes, Watchmen. The Red and the Black and The Magic Mountain are complete works unto themselves, and I’d think it just as inappropriate if some guy tried to write a Magic Mountain prequel as I do Before Watchmen. It’s something about the works themselves that allow or prohibit expanding upon them — I hate to call it a “literary quality,” since we’re talking about book and comic books here, but maybe that’s it. It’s certainly not a matter of “stealing” versus “adapting,” though. Hell, to me it feels like Moore is adapting those classic characters in League, and DC is stealing Watchmen.
But whatever. On with the contest.
Rorschach’s Journal. October 12th, 1985: Dog carcass in alley this
morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have
seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are
full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin
will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam
up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up
and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “Here are the Honorable Mentions.”
Dr. Manhatten used to have a girlfriend with a giant blue vagina.
We find out that the reason the Comedian is an asshole is because he was abused at the clown college that raised him as a baby.
Night Owl Year One: he pisses himself while spouting pretentious, college thesis vocabulary words for dialogue.
The Comedian actually tries being a comedian, gets into a fight with a heckler. And loses.
The entire group come together as the Watchmen and battles the evil Alien More, who’s only goal is to remove them from existence with his horde of evil Sssssnake men.
We actually see the scene where the original Silk Spectre gets knocked up by the Comedian. There’s nothing I can add to make that worse, because there’s no way to make that scene anything other than awful in and of itself.
Rorschach adventure with his (unknown until today) sidekick Inkspill.
The Rorschach comic is just the story of his conception. It involves bukake and President Truman.
Dr. Manhattan transforms into a car. The rest of the comic is just the plot to the movie Cars.
The Comedian is molested as a child by the same kid who molested Peter Parker.
Ozymandias begins a walk across the country to get in touch with humanity. (… thus, igniting his disdain for this mortal world.)
Crime will be fought effectively and with no errors, regrets, or mistakes.
We see Ozzy in high school. He is given a wedgie from the jocks.
Because it would explain so much.
Oh, and after Seymour reads Rorschach’s journal he goes back in time to try and avert the destruction of Manhattan but ends up folding Watchmen into the DCnU
In the Minutemen story, there is a subplot featuring Captain Metropolis and Hooded Justice going on a gay cruise and fighting their arch enemies The Evillage People, and literally everything Hooded Justice says is a euphemism for dick.
The Rorschach story ends with Rorschach taking down a murderous rapist paedophile tattoo artist by shoving a tattoo needle up his ass then ripping off his face and tattooing it onto his butt cheek. He then quips ‘Nice ink… but mine’s permanent’ and we zoom in on his inkblot face as Linkin Park plays in Brian Azzarello’s head.
It’s confirmed that Ozymandias and Bubastis are lovers.
The “Tales of the Black Freighter” story running through the Watchmen prequels will be loosely based on the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean film.
Nite Owl II reveals that his Owl Ship runs on a miraculous new element called Upsiedasium!
Each comic contains a scene from the popular newsreel: “Safety First! With Dollar Bill and Mothman!”
Worst scene? Every issue beginnig with a picture of Alan Moore saying ‘I approve of this’, doing thumbs up and smiling like a sheep.
Silk Spectre becomes an independent woman with her own skills and no attachment to any of the male char–Pfft! Yeah, that’ll happen.
Roshach’s disintegration by Dr. Manhatten turns out to be a ploy to displace him in time, returning him to the past, where he becomes his own father.
The scene where the Watchmen settle trade disputes.
Moore is a Whore:
It’s revealled that 90 years before the events of WATCHMEN, classic characters from Verne, Wells, Stoker, Haggard and other classic authors were assembled into a superhero team and…oh, right…
Walter Joseph Kovacs decides to become a vigilante. Using a roarschach blot for inspiration, his first outing as The Butterfly is a disaster.
Rorschach is revealed to be severely autistic in a half-baked attempt to humanize him and explain his anti-social behaviors.
1. It turns out they all went to pre-school together where baby Rorschach killed baby Ozymandias’ pet octopus.
2. The Secret Origin of Comedian’s Smiley Face Badge. (Spoiler: It was a gift from the original Silk Spectre. And it’s haunted. By her ghost.)
3. The main cast turn out to all be related. Hooded Justice is EVERYBODY’S DAD.
Nite Owl rescues a young boy from the corrupt cops who just killed his parents. When the boy nervously asks who he is, he’ll ask the boy if he’s dense or retarded before adding “I’m the goddamned Nite Owl!” The boy will go on to briefly become Nite Owl’s boy wonder, Squab.
En entire issue where Ozymandias’ possible homosexuality is investigated further
Prior to his transformation, a depressed Osterman is asked “Why so blue?”.
Spinning out of the idea that it is pirates, not superheroes, that came to dominate the reality of the Watchmen universe, the Rorschach book focuses upon everyone’s favorite Ayn Rander having to go undercover at a popular Pi-Fi Convention. Naturally he doesn’t change his costume, so everybody laughs at the guy in the wrong outfit… at first.
Silk Spectre II: First day on the job and also first period… uh oh!
Ozymandias: Ozymandias’ adventures filing his1978 taxes.
Rorschach: Rorschach’s one week as a hall monitor.
Laurie’s real father is the octopus.
Backups called “Tales from the Pirate Bay” about torrenting Watchmen film.
In a Nick-Fury-Looks-Like-Sam-Jackson move, Comedian drawn to resemble Dane Cook.
Nostromo’s Second Android:
Dr. Manhattan (three of them) fly to the moon with random bits of debris and trashcans to “practice”. Some day, he envisions, people will get his music.
1) The original Silk Spectre actually raped the Comedian, but he paid her to tell the story the other way around…what a twist!
2) We see Nite Owl reading Batman comics and taking notes.
3) The entire Rorschach miniseries is him trying to figure out how to make his mask:
“Rorschach’s Journal. March 13th. 1964. Tried sewing mask. Need more practice.”
“Rorschach’s Journal. March 16th. 1964. Carpet soiled with ink. Should’ve put drop-cloth on floor.”
“Rorschach’s Journal. March 20th. 1964. First night out. Mask started leaking on face. Eyes blinded. Back to square one.”
The scene in Rorschach in which it’s revealed that Blair Roche was actually Rorschach’s secret illegitimate daughter all along, & that she was raped by Gerald prior to him killing her, thus acting as the real reason Rorschach was driven to be even harder on crime. Before that point, we see he was just your average law-&-order vigilante who wanted to do the right thing & connect with his estranged daughter. And oh yeah, remember those “personal reasons” Rorschach mentioned as to why he took the Roche case? Boom. Two words. Two words some lone comics reader wondered about what they meant. Two words DC will use to justify this scene. Two words which will start countless flame wars on message boards everywhere. Two words. Hmmph.
And after all, this is a modern-day DC event & a modern-day prequel, meaning that there must be a pointless rape scene, a pointless murder scene, possible pointless retcons, & a pointless connection to the events of the original, at any cost, in order to tie things together that didn’t need to be tied together, & come off as edgy & mature.
Oh, & all this happens after Rorschach battles a street gang composed of Silver Age-inspired clowns, of course
Rorschach was brought up worshipping a deity named “Lrrm.” All this time, he’s just been praying for guidance.
Silk Spectre was bitten by a strand of radioactive silk.
The giant squid-monster was initially conceived by Ozymandias as a contingency plan in case they ever actually released fucking prequels to “Watchmen.”
Night Owl spends the entirety of the first issue of his comic masturbating to a video of Starfire having sex with every male in the DC Universe on the internet. His ejaculate splatters on a picture of Alan Moore and forms the new DC Comics logo.
One more limited series: bubastis. It’s about his wacky adventures in ozymandias’ fortress trying to catch two wisecracking mice.
Ozymandias sets his computer password as Ramses, but fears that may be too glaringly obvious. He reopens his program and changes it to Ramses II, and breathes a sigh of relief knowing he’s averted any chance of ever having his plans discovered.
The entire origin behind Dr Manhattan’s pantslessness. how he thought it to be empowering to the male form and how he initially wanted a symbol covering his junk, but couldn’t think of one, so he decided to go pantsless.
(Rorschach is seen sitting on the steps of a run-down apartment with a young girl, the daughter of an abusive father that he just sent to the hospital.)
Rorschach: It’s over. He won’t hurt you again.
Girl: (Crying, and still frightened.) How…how do you know?
Rorschach: Because I’ve been where you are now. (Gets up to go.) Smile for me sometime, kid.
Girl: (Sniffling.) I don’t know how to, anymore…
Rorschach: It’s easy. Like this. (His mask shifts to form a perfect replica of the ’70s “Smiley Face” symbol.)
It’s revealed in the orphanage that young Walter Kovacs totally had a girlfriend who could have been the moral compass he needed, if only he’d stayed with her. Her name? Mary Sue, of course.
My worst case scenarios are all variations of the same thing.
1) One of the writers doesn’t really understand the meaning of “juxtaposition” and makes it so Night Owl is overtly confidant about his heroing ability while Rorschach is constantly questioning if he’s doing right as a hero. In an attempt to make it “deep” they have Night Owl always telling Rorschach that “as long as you always stand up for what’s right, I’ll always back you up,” to serve as a “foreshadowing” of what happens later. To further dumb it down and serve as a dickslap to readers, they’ll have Dr. Manhattan have a moment of “solidarity” where he thinks about Rorschach and how much he admires him for always standing up for what he believes in. Anytime you see a word in quotes the editor/writer actually did the “quote” fingers when he was pitching the idea.
“We call ourselves ‘The Watchmen’ ”
Let’s see if I can capture the feel of the new DC:
Dr. Manhattans and Silk Spectre have a threeway and she’s totally into it. (It turns out that she’s only creeped out/offended by three or more Dr. Manhattans.)
Rorschach goes to the newspaper stand to pick up a comic book and we are all treated to a sample of one of DC’s latest offerings, despite it being 1970. This is not dark and brooding foreshadowing, just a brief sample of a comic that you may enjoy. He writes about the great comic he just read in his journal.
The Comedian plans to convert a Vietcong village to capitalism, using delicious fruit pies. Unfortunately the imminent bankruptcy of Hostess ruins the tie in, depriving everyone of fruity goodness:-(. He burns them all up with a flamethrower instead. This is shown in gruesome detail.
A young entrepreneur is always late for meetings meaning he never makes his millions. One day he decides to take his timepiece to a repair shop. As his dad is out, a young Jon Osterman fixes this for Adrian Veidt Snr, who then makes it to a meeting on time, thus making his millions.
Cuts to reveal the Dr. Manhattan story is actually a comic being read in the present day by a stoned youth who mutters “…it was all about the watch, man…”
It’s revealed that Rorschach hates and fears women because he once made a pass at Ayn Rand at a book signing and got punched in the balls.
And now for the winners! You’ll notice I didn’t pick any “serious entries,” partially because the whole Before Watchmen project kind of bums me out and the jokes cheered me up, but also because the “serious entries” are almost certainly going to happen. Will the Watchmen prequels feature copious sex, violence and sexual violence to make sure they’re “adult” enough to match the original? Of course they will. Will there be hamfisted connections made to the original Watchmen comic and between the characters to present some kind of “shocking twist”? Of course there will, and they’ll all be awful. You don’t have to be Dr. Manhattan to see that future.
Ozymandias saying his new catchphrase; “Ozy you later!”, with Nite Owl replying No, Owl see YOU later!”. And then the Comedian saying “Hey, who’s the comedian here?”. And everyone laugh.
Scene: Rorschach pacing the ground outside an elementary school. In his hand he holds an ink blot, below which he has scrawled the words “Batman” “Catwoman”. As kids come out he blocks them from getting on the bus, shoving the ink blot in their faces while screaming “STOP LOOKING AT THIS SMUT!” Then he shoves their noses up into their brains.
Rorschach, pet detective
While Lance Bravestar’s entry is simply horrible, Bloodcreep’s is technically plausible for the character, if DC had any sense of humor about itself, which it does not. I imagine my most controversial choice will be Heather Rh’s, but because of Rorschach’s insane experience with the dogs I can see some writer latching on to that, and having Rorschach encounter another set of dogs in the prequels, and my god, it just makes me laugh. Or maybe it’s Scooter Atreides’ fault for following up Heather’s entry with “And all the whores and politicians will look up and shout: ‘SAVE US!’ and I’ll whisper: ‘ALL RIGHTY THEN!'” So go blame him.
And that’s that! Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. Here’s hoping every single one of you guys end up wrong, but honestly, I don’t think you will be.