Douchebags Get Douchechills When Breaking Into Transdouchers: The Ride

Sorry this article is a bit late, but I actually blacked out from the amount of douchery packed into its three and a half minutes. It’s purportedly a video of two kids breaking into the Transformers: The Movie: The Ride at Universal Studios, a fiction that is only slightly broken by the giant “COPYRIGHT 2012 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS” at the end. What’s far more ludicrous is how “Brandon” and “Dave” ooh and ahh over a couple of props — seriously, the amount of actual Transformers things they see is ridiculously low, and thanks to the video being cropped in a bizarrely vertical way (like no mobile phone in existence would do) we viewers can see even less. And yet the damn thing lasts for a full three in a half minutes, showing almost nothing about the ride, presenting the few ride-related things poorly, but mostly letting us hang out with Brandon and Dave as they marvel at all the lame shit we can’t see. Now, I might have been able to get over this (doubtful, but go with me on this) if the pitifully obvious viral video attempt by Universal hadn’t been uploaded to YouTube by “coolstorybro9000.” That’s almost as bad as the not one but two emails I got from “Dave” — whose email address is [email protected] — which read “Hi Rob, Have you guys seen this footage of the new transformers ride,
looks off the chain, if you post it will you give me a mention” and “Hi Rob, Have you guys seen this footage of the new transformers ride,
looks off the hook, if you post it will you give me a mention” and sent three hours apart. I will, Dave. Specifically, I’ll mention how I hope you die in a fire and the Universal Studios marketing team feels bad about themselves.