Michael Bay, destroyer of worlds, has been on board to produce a new live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie for a while now. While a bit dismaying, I haven’t been too concerned, because Bay is usually pretty hands off with things he isn’t directing, so that these movies often end up mediocre instead of, say, godawful. But then this happened:
That’s Bay speaking at the recent Nickelodeon upfront. God forbid your computer refuses to play the video to keep you from hearing him vomit his madness, but what he says is:
“Kids are going to believe, one day, that these
turtles do exist, when we are done with this movie. These
Turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy,
funny and completely lovable.”
As in, not mutants.
This might be considered a niggling change except for the fact that THEY’RE FUCKING CALLED THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THEIR FUCKING NAME, BAY. That’s like making a Transformers movie where none of the robots transform, which I’m actually sure Bay tried to do, and Hasbro blew its one veto on correcting.
And if they’re aliens, can they really be turtles either? So instead of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we’re getting Teenage Alien Ninjas That Look Like Turtles of Earth. And where do these aliens learn ninjitsu, anyways? And what does it means to be a teenager on an alien planet? How long is their planet’s rotation? Being a teenager there could make them middle-aged on Earth!
Okay, I’m getting a little pedantic here, but the fact remains that by making the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aliens, Bay is needlessly changing one of the core components of the series — one of their three fundamental adjectives, one might say — for no discernible reason or benefit whatsoever. You know, I used to think that Bay was just an immensely successful idiot, but honestly, now I think he’s our nerd satan. Here we are, enjoying Game of Thrones and the Avengers movie and unparalleled nerd art and prestige, and Bay is the Anti-Nerd, the serpent in our paradise, the one who will stop at nothing until all nerd goodness is ruined with aliens and pissing and balls and humping dogs and steaming piles of shit. Seriously, Michael Bay is the Nerd Devil. /quickly cross self, makes Vulcan salute