Michael Eisner’s The Tornante Company will finance and produce development of a feature film based on Garbage Pail Kids, the trading card line published by Topps. Eisner bought the card company in 2007 and this is his first feature spinoff project. Toby Ascher is producing. PES (that is what he goes by) will direct the film, which will be scripted by Michael Vukadinovich, who most recently set his Black List script The Three Misfortunes Of Geppetto at Fox and Shawn Levy’s 21 Laps.
If every single sentient being in the galaxy pulled a facepalm at the same time, generating a wave of contempt, confusion and shame that destroyed planets and extinguished the stars, it would still not be a facepalm powerful enough to fully indicate what a phenomenally stupid idea this is. It’s bad for the Garbage Pail Kids, it’s bad for Michael Eisner, it’s bad for Hollywood, it’s bad for the entertainment industry, it’s bad for humanity, and I think it mathematically proves god does not exist. What bothers me isn’t that people would spend money on this atrocity against art; what bothers me is that people who have approved this project and the people who will make it are using valuable oxygen that could be used by people performing more worthwhile causes, like Katherine Hiegl movies and air masturbation championships — and I don’t consider those particularly worthwhile. Hell, I’ll much as I personally despise it, I’d even put the larger part of erotic fan fic writing as more noble than this. You hear that, fan fic writers? Take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror today and proudly say, “I may have just written 40,000 words about the My Little Pony lactation pedophiliac bestiality rape that goes on in my head, but you know what? At least I didn’t greenlight a remake of the Garbage Pail Kids movie.”