?For starters, I’d like to thank every one who took the time to enter this week’s contest. You guys really outdid yourselves by creating some extremely funny — if not downright terrifying — scenarios for how The Avengers could shit the bed. Well done indeed. Give yourselves a hand, a pat on the back, or whatever your preferred form of self-congratulation may be.
Also thanks for keeping these entries short and sweet. I read each and every one of these submissions and it can be a time consuming process to say the least. However, with the cleverness that was on display with the entries at no point did judging this become a chore. Ultimately, the two winners and various honorable mentions I chose were because I felt them to be inventive, true and, above all, funny.
Sadly, I could only give away two shirts. My apologies to those who didn’t win, but take some small comfort in the fact that I at least appreciated you taking the time to enter the contest. Not that you can impress your friends by wearing that sentiment or anything, but hey, at least it’s something.
Let’s kick things off with the honorable mentions.
In an effort to flesh out some much needed character development, Hawkeye’s origin takes up the first hour of the movie.
Hulk falls onto someone’s car, gets up and says, “HULK’S BAD.”
Robert Downey Jr is mute for the whole film.
Joss Whedon finally reconciles with Alien: Resurrection, and the
alien villain in this movie turns out to be the Hybrid. The original,
hermaphroditic version that humps everybody.
And then Coulson dies, just to fuck with the fans.
Joss Whedon realizes all the character’s are lovable: kills them off.
In trying to hedge their bets against losing hundreds of millions of
dollars, the studio sells major product placements throughout. Easily
the most egregious is every time the Hulk smashes something, he yells,
“Hulk smash! Hulk also loves Chex Mix?!”
The real villain of the film is Sean Connery, who threatens to destroy the world with his devastating weather control machine!
The credits scroll with no stinger. You watched the credits for nothing.
Movie turns out to be a two-hour long, live-action episode of The Super Hero Squad.
Instead of actually fighting the bad guys, the heroes spend the entire
movie sitting around discussing exposition to set up future Marvel
In the film’s
climax, the entire team is caught in an unwinnable battle. No back-up.
No cavalry. No way out. With most of the team dead or
injured Cap readies himself for the worst… only for a figure in red to
appear. It is Mephisto. He wants to make a deal. The deal winds up
retconning the whole movie and Cap is never thawed out, thus making the
whole thing completely pointless.
The footage from the trailers turn out to all be part of a flashback montage for an ‘avengers poker night’ movie.
There is a 25 minute long love scene between Hulk and Black Widow, the
rest of the movie revolves around the rest of the team discussing it.
Because the movie opens on May the Fourth, many Star Wars jokes are told during the movie.
Oh, the main villains are aliens, yes. And yes, they do take on human
form. And yeah, Loki is involved. But they’re not the Skrulls. Oh no.
They are the Slitheen. Turns out Loki has a pretty lowbrow sense of humor for a Trickster god.
Thor! Hulk! Captain America! Black Widow! Hawkeye! Iron Man! Nick Fury! …and introducing…H.E.R.B.I.E!!!
Due to budgeting constraints and creative differences, it’s revealed a
week before release that Robert Downey Jr. has, in fact, stepped down
from his role as Tony Stark and has been replaced by Brad Garrett from
Everybody Loves Raymond.
After much trouble determining the proper villain for the movie. Joss
decided to outsource the task to Julie Taymor. The flying villains are
now “Centipede Godessess” who have all the more reason to sing about
Each character has a separate plot-line and they only meet each other in passing. No teamwork here.
Make the movie an unwatchable mess? The sun, controlled by Satan,
releases a solar flare that magnetically erases all digital copies of
the movie. Meanwhile, due to the film’s badass-ness, no male
projectionist in the world can assemble it without immediately cumming
all over it in an attempt to breed with the film and sire the most epic
of offspring. The women projectionists will not go near it for fear the
movie will instantly impregnate them with a cosmic baby. Thus, all
prints become ruined due to Satan’s jealously and man’s quest for power.
The nerds of earth revolt (as they always do) but this time its too
much and they finally over-turn civilization in a maddened froth-mouthed
rage. Satan/Loki/whatever laughs at our misfortune. The survivors of
the end of civilization leave cryptic warnings for the future to stay
away from the Avengers film, but these warnings will not be heeded by
the prideful men of the future who demand that the Avengers be
assembled. All of this has happened before, and it will happen again…
The Avengers assemble… into a super human centipede.
Quentin Tarantino guest directs a ten-minute, one-take scene where Maria Hill paints her toe nails to ‘Marquee Moon.’
A third into the movie the focus shifts to the West Coast Avengers.
Over the end credits, the cast sings “Build Me Up Buttercup,” which is
intercut with fake bloopers featuring a CGI Hulk tripping, flubbing his
lines, and cracking up Dom DeLuise.
director decides to add a dose of realism to the franchise by having a
real life physicist review each and every scene to make sure that the
laws of reality allow for that sort of thing.