Cthulhu at the Door: And the Winners Are…


Knock knock! Don’t worry, it’s not an elder god at your door, it’s just me on the internet, telling you the results for last weekend’s TR caption contest. As you’ll recall, the contest was sponsored by Neatorama’s awesome NeatoShop, and specifically the awesome tentacle doorstop you see above — but the doorstop is only one of their many fine and incredibly nerdy wares (I particularly dig this Thor nightlight). Please show them a little love for being so generous to TR and its readers by checking ’em out! Although I guess you can check out the HMs and winners first. It’s not like Cthulhu’s going to suck your brain out your nose if you wait a couple of minutes to go to NeatoShop. Probably. I guess.

Avert your eyes from these Cthonorable Mentions lest ye go mad!


That is when Stacy knew it wasn’t a dream. She was still in Japan


? Remember me? I’m from when LucasArts were cool.
? What, an eldritch beast can’t sneak into a little girl’s room without being judged? Post-racial America my ass!


Oh, sure. When the cat does it, you think it’s cute.


I know I just met you/And it seems crazy/ but can I inject my insemination pod/ into your tongue flesh maybe?


You can’t tell, but this is my middle tentacle.


Michael Bay presents: TMNT


“I want my two dollars!”


Don’t worry, I’ve taken care of the land shark

Mark Poynter:

How many boxes of Cthulhu Scout cookies can I put you down for?
“Honey, your mother’s here!”


Somebody tell Ceiling Cat that Floor Tentacle is getting hungry and that he can’t stay up there forever, passive-aggressive little shit that he is.

Pandora’s Homeobox:

What, no goodnight kiss?


1) Mr. Snyder? The actors auditioning for the Squid part are here.
2) Congressman Larry Craig’s ‘wide stance’ defense seemed to have a certain value after all.


Billy thought he heard the squid say “grape”. A mistake he would never make again.

Pandora’s Homeobox:

“Wait, Barbara! I can change! I promise I’ll stop driving your bridge parties insane! I’ll even put the toilet seat down! Just give me a chance!”


“Hi. I just moved in next door. May I borrow a cup of innocent souls?”

Jim Culver:

*Sterling Archer voice* Just the tip?


Lefty the 15 inch tentacle monster was on his way to Hogwarts. He had heard she put out all the time, no dating needed. Yep, he was going to loose his castle virginity for sure…


Once Zombie Squidward finished with Patrick, Spongebob knew he was screwed.

Andrew Potts:

It was that moment that Jerry realized that the money he was saving by going with the cut rate Japanese travel agency wasn’t worth the $20 he ended up saving.

Ben Cohen:

In his bathroom stall at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits for toilet paper.


Heeeeeeeeere’s Fhtagnny!


“In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulu has no flour.”


Mrs. Dennis? I’ve got those non-Euclidean Thin Mints you ordered.

Larry Green:

“Ma’am, we’ve had reports of a cat eating tentacle monster in the area. Mind if I come in and check on your tasty, delicious cats for you?”


Somewhere in Japan, this doorstop is in someone’s vagina. Right now. And you’re going to win it.

Dylan Raishe:


Greggory Basore:

Then I heard a glerping
As of someone gently slurping
Slurping at my chamber door
‘Tis some Elder God’ I realized ‘Slurping at my chamber door-
what sort of hell am I in for?’

Jacob Voss:

“Mommy, look what I made it Arts & Lovecrafts today!”

Jeff Robertson:

? You’re r’lyeh not going to let me in?
? Cthulhucy! I’m hooooome!


Before Watchmen: Ozymandis putting the Squid together with glue and poster pins

Brando Lars:

It was then that Harry decided, Hogwarts needed to be told that the Giant Squid was cheating on her with 7 Pivet Drive.


Sunny thought the porn industry had made her jaded. X’Natl’Tharlyp saw that as a challenge.


“Hi, I’m with the Overfiend Census Bureau, and I’m here to confirm the number of Japanese schoolgirls currently living in this household.

Scooter Atreides:

Explore the sanity-shattering world of Lovecraftian Medicine in the new role-playing game:
“House Call Of Cthulu”


Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cthul who

Max Carlaftes:

Tentacle Beast: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
TB: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
Me: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn wh–
*Murdered by eldritch beasts from beyond reality.*


…but for the Japanese, it was Tuesday.


“This is Publisher’s Clearing House and you’ve just won one million…”
*Door flies open*


And that’s when John realized he should never have bought a house from a group of limping Japanese girls.

Steve C.:

The terror you can’t escape… the horror you’ll never see! Erik Estrada, Marjoe Gortner and Samantha Fox in… MEGA-LAND-SQUID VS. INVISIBLE DOORJAMB SHARK! Coming to SyFy this Friday!


The glory hole is up there buddy

Obscure Reference:

The invasion was immediately called off as soon as Granthor slammed his tentacle in the front door.

And now for the winners! Rest assured culling down the above genius to only three entries was an extremely difficult task. Still, three people need their doors stopped in an extremely nerdy way, and it’s going to be these folks:


Deep down, I knew that this was probably my only chance to lose my virginity


Professor Utonium then realized he was completely unprepared for Powerpuff Puberty.


Outside his house at R’lyeh, dread Cthulhu waits for the locksmith.

And you can shut the door on this weekend’s contest. Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered, and thanks especially to NeatoShop!