Rather than apologize for the umpteenth time about posting the contest results late, I thought I’d mix things up for being too lazy to format all your massive RPG tables in my bloggin’ interface, so I just copied-and-pasted it from Word, and it looks funky but it saved me a lot of effort and I’d do it again if I had to. i’m sure 95% of you guys know a better, smarter way to do this, but that would require me looking things up on the internet, and you know I can’t be bothered to do that. Anyways, your return journey to the land of ridiculous RPG tables begins on the next page…
You have randomly encountered a band of wandering Honorable Mentions. They are carrying Treasure Type H.
Random Fanfiction Encounter Table:
1-2 – Make heterosexual characters homosexual
3-4 – Make homosexual characters heterosexual
5-6 – Rape
7-8 – Monkey Rape
9-10 – Robot Monkey Rape
11-12 – Scat Play
13-14 – Make Everybody Furry
15-16 – Random Body Alteration
17-18-19 – Grossly Violent Misunderstanding of the Human Body
And of course, the Crit:
20 – ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!!!!
Game of Thrones gameplay as follows; roll the die. Depending on your throw, your character will either:
A. Spend three turns eating exquisite feasts described in staggering detail.
C. Die in AGONY.
D. Sleep with your siblings.
E. Become horribly disfigured.
F. Die, but also get horribly disfigured.
G. Make a portentous descision that will only affect the game several years from now.
H. Be sent to the Wall and get devoured by Wights and the Others.
I. Die. For realsies this time.
J. The author dies halfway through the game and leaves us all hanging suspended in play after decades of waiting.
K. You have won the Iron Throne! Conglaturations! Now your character will die.
Table Redundancy Table:
This table is used to decide if any given table should be deemed redundant and given an automatic result on any future rolls.
Please note that before Table Redundancy Table can be used it must have a redundancy check passed on it by rolling on itself.
1-Table should be kept and rolled upon any times it is called for
2-Table should be kept but given 2 rolls and party should be allowed to choose result
3-Table should be kept but only odd numbered rolls are allowed, any even numbered rolls must be re-rolled
4-Table should be kept but only even numbered rolls are allowed, any odd numbered rolls must be re-rolled
5-Table is discarded and results are made up off the top of the GMs head
6-Table is discarded and future results are decided by remaining slices of pizza at table, if no pizza is left a new pizza must be bought, use pizza buying table to decide who is paying for this round.
The Mindflayers Table to Erotic Mindflayings, roll 1d6
1) The Egyptian Brainspiking.
2) Ghoul Hickey-ing.
3) Reverse Lobotomizing
4) Mindtaking Menage a trois
Type: Bad Sci–Fi plots
Requirements: (2)10-sided dice
0-9 Event to End Mankind
10-19 Singularity within Character
20-29 Robot Slave Uprising
30-39 Mystical Artifact Discovered
40-49 Mystical Artifact is Doomsday Device
50-59 Adversary Resurrection
60-69 Alien Vixen Seduces Men in Group
70-79 ________ Attacks Tokyo
80-89 Acclaimed Scientist uncovers clue to Earth’s problems, but is a drunk, divorced, recluse from which group cannot heed advice (OVERTURNED by rolling consecutive numbers (0-100) in a row; e.g. 21,22)
90-99 Love interest captured and must be pursued…friends abandon you on your quest(PROVE YOU AREN’T WHIPPED by rolling two DIFFERENT Prime Numbers upon your turn; e.g. IF YOU DON’T KNOW PRIME NUMBERS THEN STOP PLAYING RPG’s)
100 An alternate reality. Actions do not affect the status of world and/or characters ere the coming of the alternate dimension (advancements and achievements made in the alternate reality can be maintained henceforth IF by rolling an irrational number; e.g. You’ve TRULY wasted another night of your life.
Name generator for Master of the Universe Characters (yes there was a M.O.T.U rpg I owned it). Roll 3 10 sided dice. First number is the Prefix second is the suffix etc….
1-He 1-Lic 1- er
2-Ram 2-Pin 2- ok
3-Blad 3-Dar 3- su
4-Scar 4-Man 4- to
5-Fist 5- Fel 5- es
6-Slit 6-Div 6-os
7-Griz 7- Tor 7- at
8-Muf 8-Xos 8-ad
9-Claw 9- Lash 9-ow
0-Skel 0- Kor 0- void any choice
When meeting a female in space, roll a 3 sided die.
1- One boob
2- Two boobs
3- Three boobs
Spider-Man Adjective Sub-table:
01-05 – Astonishing…
06-15 – Avenging…
16-25 – Sensational…
26-40 – Friendly Neighborhood…
41-55 – Spectacular…
56-85 – Amazing…
86-99 – Ultimate…
100 – Hispanic…
Girlfriend location table (U.S only):
21-40: California (if in California, use New York)
41-60: New York (If in New York, use California)
00: “Someplace YOU never heard of” (refuse to say any more).
The DC film adaption table! roll between 1-10 to determine the fate of your favorite dc superhero film!!!
1-ok adaption. The film is a moderate success and takes only a few liberties with the characters. Neutral effect on all players.
2-synopsis submission-the writers hired for the adaption go insane, rewriting the script to their own interests and changing the key plot points. Does not affect Executive class.
3-copyright cop-out: The original creator of superhero comes out of the woodwork, demanding the rights to their character be given back to them. invokes +3 sympathy from fan class, otherwise no effect on production.
4-Director Defector: Director drops out of production citing “creative differences”. Replaced by mediocre director, who recieves -2 potential.
5-What happened, Warner Brothers?: seriously, what the f***?
6-fanboy freakout: any film with less than 5 potential recieves critical damage from fanboys, who insist that it will never live up to the original comics.
7-Alan Moore:You will never make Alan Moore happy. -5 negotiating skill.
8-Rinse and Repeat: Executive recieves +2 superdickery by calling for a reboot of a franchise.
9-Pyrrhic victory: The movie is a box-office success, but is shunned by fans for its inaccuracies. Super effective when combined with Handsome actor class.
10-impossible: DC pulls their s*** together and makes the best superhero movie that isnt about Batman. Cancer is cured by the tears of fans everywhere. Rob Bricken shuts down Topless Robot and lives his dream of creating his own version of the grid.
Lance Richard LeDuc:
A table for why your campaign went so horribly wrong; what you roll is what you can blame.
D6:1: It was probably a bad idea to let the players bring their girlfriends
2: the funk of “that guy”
3: the players spending 90% of their time getting their character some sex
4: Players drank all your Mountain dew
5: just blame the player on your left “BECAUSE”
6: it may have been your fault (re-roll, if a 6 comes up then blame yourself. any other number you can use that excuse)
You are 3 people playing a roll-playing game with one dungeon master and 2 adventurers. You are interested in one of the players.
1-4: The other 2 players are in a relationship and give sexual innuendos every c
hance they get- You go home alone.
5-8: Player you are interested in never played before- you try to look knowledgeable and helpful but end up looking pathetic -You go home alone.
9-12: Player you are not interested in is an advanced player. They state they are embarrass by how bad you do. You look pathetic and go home alone.
17-20: You show off your gaming skills as a player then once more as a dungeon master. This starts a conversation between the player you were interested in and the 3rd player about how they are not as good as you. This gives them something in common. They start flirting. – You go home alone.
21-24: You do awesome. They think you are funny, intelligent, and intellectual. They also start a conversation about how the last time they dated someone from their gaming circle it broke up the group and they will never do it again – You go home alone- find out later that night the other 2 players started dating.
Party rolls for a plot twist:
1. All these plots happen simultaneously
2. You were dead all along/ in purgatory
3. It was a dream/ computer simulation/ autistic boy’s snow globe
4. It’s people!/ It’s a cookbook!
5. The villain is your father
6. Villain suddenly kills female party member
7. It was Earth all along
8. She’s actually a man
9. Ally betrays you and kills your mentor
10. You are the Demons
11. The king cuts your head off
12. You killed your father and porked your mother
13. everyone is turned into Tang
14. You have to go back to The Island
15. You’re actually a clone
16. You are long lost siblings
17. It’s your baby
18. Your split personality is the villain
19. Nothing bad happens
20. Harem End!
Super Terrific Japanese Thing Reaction Table (1D6)
1) “OH MY GOD!”
2) “How does that damn thing work? Do you have to….. Oh my god…!”
3) “But… but… I loved that character as a child. *oh* *my* *god*”
4) “ohmygod, how do I get rid of the cookies on my computer? My wife will kill me!!!”
5) “OH MY GOD” I MUST have one right now!!!
6) “Meh… I’ve seen worse on my Mom’s computer.”
Mabel and Mabel’s Cable Fable Table
Charile Chaplin co-star Mabel Normand and the world’s first female tiger trainer Mabel Stark enjoy getting together to watch cable programming based on fables and fairy tales, from the Reese Witherspoon-starring Freeway to Harvey Fierstein’s The Sissy Duckling, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. In addition to watching the fable-based shows, these two cable TV fans are 30% likely to know valuable information about what networks DISH might be dropping, 15% likely to make something up to gain a universal remote, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a Nielsen ratings viewer. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which cable fable programming Mabel and Mabel are watching:
01-10 “Emperer’s New Clothes” on Faerie Tale Theater – Showtime 2
11-25 Jonathan Livingston Seagull – Turner Classic Movies
26-35 Freeway – FX
36-50 The Company of Wolves on Up All Night – USA
51-65 The Brothers Grimm – Logo
66-75 The Sissy Duckling – HBO
76-90 Tangled – Encore Family
91-94 The Muppet Musicians of Bremen – Flix
95-98 Shrek Forever After (Spanish version) – Telemundo
99-100 This Ain’t Snow White and the Seven Dwarves XXX – Xtsy
Use this table when playing the Star Wars RPG to determine outcome of encounters with stormtroopers.
Roll a d20 to determine outcome of encounter with stormtroopers.
1: stormtroopers fire at you and all shots zip by your ears without hitting you.
2: stormtroopers fire and shots hit the building behind you.
3: stormtroopers fire on you and instead hit innocent bystanders
4: stormtroopers fire on you and hit the ground in front of you.
5: stormtroopers yell “hey you!” and then don’t do anything else.
6: stormtroopers decide that you are not the droids try are looking for.
7: stormtroopers start to fire on you but then have an existential crisis because they all realize that they are clones at the same time.
8: stormtroopers start to say something to you, but then one of them finds a tiny piece of metal and says “look sir, droids,” and they lose interest in you.
9: stormtroopers set their weapons to stun, fire on you, knock you out, and leave you laying on the ground.
10: same as 9, but the stormtroopers also take holovideo of you in compromising and naked positions.
11: same as 9, but stormtroopers take you pris
12: stormtroopers look at you suspiciously, but you can’t really tell because they are wearing helmets.
13: stormtroopers are about to question you when one of them says “what’s the point?” takes off his helmet, and shoots himself. All of the other stormtroopers freak out and you run away.
14: you chase the stormtroopers and accidentally follow them into a much larger group of stormtroopers. Roll again. If your second roll is 1-10 the result stands. If it is 11-20 their are new more stormtroopers who have been digitally inserted, as well as some unnecessary tie fighters.
15: there are no stormtroopers.
16: stormtroopers look at you, sigh heavily, and say “this job sucks.”
17: stormtroopers fire on you and almost hit you.
18: stormtroopers fire on you and hit your npc companions, if you have any.
19: stormtroopers fire on you and hit you in the arm, conveniently not doing any really damage.
20: stormtroopers fire on you and kill you.
Might be dating myself with this, but…
TSR’s Indiana Jones RPG
“I Want To Be Indy, Not Short Round, Dammit!” Random Table (1D10)
1 (critical miss): “Fine. Here’s Mutt Williams. Happy, bitch? No, you can’t have Short Round back, L’il Beef. Oh, what? You’re gonna cry now?”
2-4: “You’ve got exactly 1 second to shut up before I switch the little Asian stereotype out for Willie. And yes, I WILL make you roleplay the part where you seduce Spielberg in the makeup trailer.”
5-7: “Dude, it was him or Sallah, and Short Round doesn’t run out of breath when he’s being chased by crazy bastards in animal skins.”
8: “If I give Short Round a really big gun, will you shut the hell up?”
9: “Tell you what…you can be Henry Jones Sr., okay? Let me hear you say ‘pushy.'”
0 (critical hit): “Fuuuuuck! FINE. Joe, give him Indy. Why? Because I’ve got to be at work by 5:00 and I’d like to spend my remaining moments of precious freedom running you whiny bitches through the Temple of Doom, THAT’S why!”
You’re in a White Wolf World of Darkness Vampire campaign (Masquerade or Requiem), and your Storyteller wouldn’t know an original idea if it bit him/her on the ass:
What overused fictional universe will he or she force you to play through almost to the letter? (d10)
3: True Blood
6: Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake Series
7-8: Anne Rice
10: Roll again twice, combine results (re-roll 0s)
At the end of every game session, roll a d10.
On a roll of 1 to 9: You have delayed the loss of your virginity by a number of weeks equal to the die roll.
On a roll of 10: You will die alone and unloved.
You approach a Table. Roll 1 D100 to resolve Table Encounter.
01-10: Table has a wobbly leg.
11-20: Table has two wobbly legs.
21-30: Table has three wobbly legs.
31-40: Table has no legs.
41-45: Table is a Mimic that attacks you.
46-50: Table is a Mimic just trying to make ends meat by moonlighting as a table.
51-60: Table has one less chair than there are party members. Each player rolls 1 D6 to decide who loses at Musical Chairs. (See Musical Chairs table A.)
61-70: Table appears to be possessed and sings a song about “Being Our Guest.” Make a sanity check.
71-80: Table is a metaphysical construct of your Freudian subconscious. Argue with DM about what this means.
81-90: Table is occupied by another adventuring party. (See Interpersonal Conflict Resolution in a Pseodo-Medieval setting table B6.)
91-97: Table explodes. Roll 1 D6 to see how close Michael Bay is.
98-99: Table is just a Table.
100: Table is the Round Table. Each Paladin gains +1 Chivalry and argues over who gets to sit at the head of the table… Idiots.
You encounter one Batman who attacks you. Roll 1 D20 to see if you beat him.
1-2: You lose.
3-4: You lose.
5-6: You lose.
7-8: You lose.
9-10: You think you are about to win. You lose.
11-12: You lose.
13-14: You lose.
15-16: You lose.
17-18: You lose.
19: Guess what? You lose.
20: You are Batman. The universe explodes, everybody dies.
The Table of a Clown’s Cavity Search:
This may also apply to Fools, and possibly to Bards depending on how your group swings.
01-03: Trophy Reading “World’s Best Grampa.”
04-06: Cucumber Wrapped in Tin-Foil.
Fully Inflated Balloons and Confetti.
10-12: Any Number of Colorful Handkerchiefs Tied End-to-End.
13-15: A Continous Spray of Seltzer Water.
16: An Umbrella with Fuzzy Animals Hanging from it.
17-20: A Hotwheels Track with Tiny Cars Proceeding Down it.
21-23: Picture of Searching Party’s Significant Other with ‘You Can Throw My Pie Any Time!’ in Lipstick.
24-26: The Head of a Local Politician.
27-30: 10 More Clowns.
The Are There Ponies Of It? Table. Best used in D20 Modern and similar but easily adapted to any setting.
Whenever rolling for a random encounter or event, there is a chance that there is also an MLP version of that thing. Roll 1d100.
01-25: There is ponies of it.
26-60: There is porn of it, and ponies of it it.
61-89: There is porn of it, ponies of it, and porn of the pony version as well.
90-98: There is porn of it, ponies of it, porn of the pony version, and also a Tohou version.
99-00: There is porn of it, ponies of it, a Touhou version of it, a pony version of the Touhou version, and porn of all of the above.
GURPS modern day ground vehicle travel time table – calculate normal travel time then roll 1d100
*1 – 10% Encounter construction delay – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*11 – 20% Encounter driver talking or texting on phone – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*21 – 30% Encounter driver 80+ years old – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*31 – 40% Encounter driver paying more attention to kids in car than the road – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*41 – 50% Encounter driver looking at things passing by on the side of the road even though they are not even remotely interesting – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*51 – 60% Encounter bicyclist using main, heavily trafficked roads during rush hour – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*61 – 70% Encounter traffic jam with no apparent cause – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*71 – 80% Encounter vehicle accident/pedestrian death relating to one of the
above listed causes – add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*81 – 99% Enounter drivers rubbernecking at vehicle accident/pedestrian death add 2d10 minutes to trip and roll again
*100% Trip occurs normally
All I got is the joke table from our old D&D game, the “How screwed is your character for drinking the DM’s last beer” table– d100.
01 – Nah, it’s cool. I’m trying to cut back.
02-30 – Meteor out of nowhere. Take 10d4 damage.
31-50 – Big Meteor out of nowhere. Take 100d4 damage.
51-60 – “Wow, turns out that last ‘whore’ was actually a Duke’s Daughter… “
61-70 – “Turn’s out your bag of holding was cursed… “
71-80 – The Gods switch your gender when they go on a drunken bender.
81-90 – As above, but they also switch your species to Kuthrick.
91-99 – Did you know that Rust Monsters breed by spore larva? And a whole bunch landed in your backpack…
00 – Character problem irrelevant. DM actually kills player.
You are an up-and-coming science fiction author, and your debut novel has been optioned by a major studio a week after its release. You are acting as a production consultant.
01-10: Half of the scenes which do not feature explosions are cut entirely.
11-15: Said scenes are altered to include explosions.
16-20: Said scenes are altered to include gratuitous nudity.
21-30: Said scenes are altered to include both explosions AND gratuitous nudity.
31-40: Your preferred version of the script is rejected in favor of one authored by Zach Snyder.
41-45: Michael Bay is attached as director.
46-50: Michael Bay is attached as producer.
51-55: Michael Bay is attached as caterer.
56-60: Michael Bay is surgically attached to final draft of screenplay.
61-65: Actor who is appropriate for the lead is cast.
66-75: Actor of different ethnicity than character cast. Studio implies you are a racist for objecting.
76-85: Film is marketed as loud, mindless action when it is actually deep and character-driven. Hipsters assume you are a plebeian. General public thinks your work is boring.
86-90: Faithful adaptation which successfully translates the events and themes of your work is produced.
91-100: You quickly distance yourself from this butchering of your work, and offer your services to Hammer Studios. A subtly altered version, with poorly-rendered flying sharks, is produced with your name attached. Dignity is maintained.
Table for: Fish catching FAIL.
30-50: Empty Potion Bottle
61-70: Dead Body
71-80: Fishing Pole
81-99: Dire Hagfish
A table for the old Marvel Superheroes Role Playing Game updated for modern comic book reality.
Random Hero Encounters/Potential Team-Up Partner
01 – 05: Spider-Man
06 – 20: Wolverine
21 – 30: Wolverine
31 – 40: Wolverine
41 – 50: Wolverine
51 – 60: Wolverine
61 – 70: Wolverine
71 – 80: Wolverine
81 – 90: Wolverine
91 – 00: Wolverine
The Things Jon Snow Knows Table (roll percentile dice)
01-05 How to use a sword (“Stick them with the pointy end.”)
06-08 The fate of his family members (roll on the “Oh, shit! I’m a Stark?! I’m SCREWED!” subtable)
The D&D 4th Edition – “What makes a good man go neutral” table. When that annoying person in your group decides to make a neutral character, roll on this table for their character’s motivations.
Use a d6, the most neutral of all dice.
1-2: Lust for gold
5-6: Born with a heart full of neutrality
How to Explain to a Psychopathic Killer Player Character that He Is Not Chaotic Good Table (roll d8)
1: Tell him he can call himself chaotic good all he wants, but he will spontaneously combust every time he rolls a natural 20.
2: Have a wandering band of lawful good paladins steal his pants. He must then spend the rest of the encounter avoiding arrest or irreparable bodily harm due to indecent exposure.
3: A horde of demons pledges loyalty to her in front of a temple to a good deity.
4: Give automatic weapons to any other citizens she plans to terrorize.
5: Town guards join in his rampage, scoring all the killing blows and splitting all the EXP between them in the process.
6: Mind flayers and driders find him irresistibly attractive.
7: She gains a fan club that never gives her a moment’s rest and somehow never seems to run low on replacement members.
8: Change nothing. The last seven ideas didn’t get the point across, and I’m sick of explaining alignments over and over.
You’ve met a picnicking Sicilian and death is on the line…
01-15 – Treat him as a great fool. Put poison into his goblet
16-31 – Don’t treat him as a great fool. Put poison into own goblet
32-47 – He won’t trust you. Put poison into own goblet
48-63 – He’ll know you can’t be trusted. Put poison into his goblet
64-79 – Be strong! Put poison into own goblet
80-95 – Study mortality. Put poison into his goblet
96-100 – Start a land war in Asia
And for the winners!
Marvel or DC RPG – Roll Upon Character Death
1-3. It was all a ruse.
4-5. Actually survived, in hiding/taken prisoner
4. It wasn’t the original but a robot
5. It wasn’t the original but a shapeshifter
6. It wasn’t the original but a clone
7. It was the original, just replace with robot
8. It was the original just replace with shapeshifter
9. It was the original, just replace with clone
12. Death undone by magic
13. Death undone by some previously unknown power/physiology
14. Death undone by time travel
15. Death undone accidentally by time travel
16. Death undone by cosmic/eternal entity.
17. Corpse becomes vessel for cosmic/eternal entity
18 – Zombie!
19 – Stay dead
20 – REBOOT ENTIRE UNIVERSE
I am 100& certain this table actually exists in the Marvel/DC offices, and thus I feel Vbanej needs to be recognized for exposing it.
Hope this one hasn’t been done already:
The Dice Rolling Table!
Your character is required to roll a 20-sided die. Roll a d20 to determine the result of your character’s roll:
1 – 16
2 – 4
3 – 7
4 – 19
5 – 3
6 – 20
7 – 13
8 – 5
9 – 11
10 – 17
11 – 1
12 – 18
13 – 6
14 – 10
15 – 9
16 – 12
17 – 8
18 – 15
19 – 2
20 – 14
A table to see what a character would roll in game? Brilliantly dumb. This is the Platonic Ideal of ridiculous RPG tables, and truly, Daniel deserves 1d10 shirts for his idea — oh well, I rolled a 1. Still, better than zero, right? And what’s this?
For use with any modern day setting game using a d20
You are checking Topless Robot
TABLE: CONTENTS OF TOPLESS ROBOT POST
1-10 Typos and grammatical errors
11-12 Poorly researched post with factual errors
13-15 Irrational hate
16-17 Something that starts a flame war in the comment section
18-19 Something terrifying
20 A post by Chris
Yes, Selaphiel gets the Editor’s Choice award (yes, I know all the winners are technically Editor’s Choice Awards, since I choose them and I’m the editor, shut up) for taking the piss out of me with stunning brevity and eloquence. Well played, sir. Dickweed.
And that, finally, is that. Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. Seriously, you all deserve Treasure Type H in my book.