I’ve got a little something special for you today! Today’s story was tipped to me by Alex S., and it was so delightfully wretched I knew I had to run it. Unfortunately, as perfect FFF fodder as it was, it was a bit too long… so I’m happy to announce to the first ever official FFF Two-Parter! I’m running the first half of this story, and will continue part 2 next week! So if you don’t enjoy today’s installment, I guess you’re screwed two weeks in a row.
But what’s not to like about “Girl Wonder’s Life Story”? It’s only one of the most poorly written fan fics about one of the Mary Sue-iest Mary Sues I’ve ever forced myself to read and mock for your entertainment. Seriously, Girl Wonder — whose name is Samantha — and who, it should be mentioned, is almost definitely the first name of the story’s author — makes Bella from Twilight seem well-rounded and realistic. I know that sounds insane, but… oh, you’ll see in the first paragraph. Also, there’s no sex — so you know the horror is going to come in other ways. Rest assured, if you’re any kind of Batman fan, I suggest you start screaming in unholy rage now, as it’ll save you a bit of time later. Let the Merry Suing begin!
When Samantha was born her parents decided they didn’t want her anymore so when she was 10 days old they drove out to a forest outside of Gotham and just left her in the middle of it, all alone.
This sounds cruel, but as you read the story you’ll realize Samantha’s parents made a pretty reasonable decision.
When she was about 15 days old she taught herself how to walk, when she was 20 days old she taught herself how to fight, when she was 25 days old she taught herself how to talk….
Of course, since her bones, muscles and vocal chords hadn’t developed yet, she couldn’t perform any of these actions. But she knew how!
She basically taught herself how to survive on her own. She lived in the forest for months on end, fighting and hunting.
There were legends told of the terrifying Baby of Gotham Woods.
She never looked like her age, at about this time, she looked like she was about 5 years old. The only thing she even ate was raw deer meat.
Better than Hardee’s.
When she was about 3 months she got bitten In the back, side, and stomach by a extinct tiger.
Goddamn extinct tigers. When will someone put an end to these already-dead-by-definition threats to our abandoned forest babies?!
About 3 months later a girl and a guy, named Stephanie and Damien, found her and took her to a place called ‘The Hostel.’ The Hostel is a place that they made where people with powers who either ran away or were abandoned could go and live.
…when they were too annoying for Bruce Wayne to make them his ward. And since Bruce made Jason Todd a ward, that’s saying something.
Sam lived there for about a week before she was attacked her the first time by some people called ‘The Hood.’
Presumably hired by the relatives of all deer she’d been eating for the last four months.
That is when she met Batman. When she was attacked Batman came to help but when he got there everyone was down and she was standing there. He knew that Sam was the one who did it and he was impressed and defiantly shocked when he heard how old she was.
It was one of the few recorded times Batman was known to have said “Bullshit.”
He thought for a sec but then asked ‘I could use a partner, would you like to be mine?’ Sam gladly declined and he nodded and left.
Here’s what blows my mind: Who on earth writes a fan fic essentially about themselves where they refuse to be Batman’s partner? This, more than anything else, indicates the writer is a crazy person.
Sam went on living her life, thinking about what Batman asked her, then the next night she knew it. The next day she got up and shape shifted into her 15 year old self and took some money and went out to get some materials.
First of all, I’m beginning to suspect that the writer might be making up Sam’s powers as she goes along. Second, this still means Batman just asked what appears to be a 5-year-old to go fight crime with him. Even in the Silver Age, that’s wack.
She went back to the house and went straight to the sowing room.
Before you make fun of Sam for calling it the “sowing” room — or for pretending her imaginary super-orphanage has a sewing room at all — remember, she’s only four months old. And she probably has scurvy from her all-deer diet. Cut her some slack.
She put the materials onto the table and turned on the machine. She started sowing a really tight, really short, black, belly button shirt, with a red superman symbol on it.
It looks like “creativity” and “knowledge of copyright law” were not on Sam’s list of precociously acquired skills.
Next she started making a pair of jet black short shorts, that are almost like daisy dukes.
…except that they weren’t jeans and thus aren’t Daisy Dukes. But besides that, almost exactly like ’em.
She then started making a pair of thick healed, jet black boots that reach up to her thigh. After that she made a cape that is black on the outside and yellow on the inside. Then the last thing she made is a mask that is the original of the mask Robin wears.
She made the mask Robin originally wore? OH GOD SHE’S A TIME TRAVELER TOO
After that Sam changed into the costume and put a utility belt on and left the house. She found out where the Bat-cave was and went and stole some explosives, a grappling hook and Birdarangs.
FAN FICTION FOUL: You can’t just say “she found out where the Bat-cave was and went.” THAT’S CHEATING. The writer is charged 15 yards, two minutes in the penalty box, I get a free kick and everybody take a drink.
While she was in the Bat-cave she quickly went over to the computer and looked to see where Batman went. When she got there she saw Batman get kicked off a 40 story building. She quickly took out her grappling hook and shot it at a building, then swung off the building she was standing on and grabbed onto Batman and landed on the ground,
SHE SHOT A GRAPPLING HOOK… FROM THE BAT-CAVE… TO A 40-STORY BUILDING IN GOTHAM CITY… AND CAUGHT BATMAN AS HE FELL. UH-HUH. DEAR AUTHOR: I REGRET TO INFORM THAT I DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS MARY SUE INSANITY.
The bad guy got away. Batman was so shocked he looked up at the little girl and asked ‘Who are you?’
“And how long was that grappling hook line? Like 20 miles?”
Sam looked down at him and answered with ‘Girl Wonder.’
“You know you have a Superman logo on your shirt, right? So… not Super Girl? Or even Girl Super?”
Sam went home and changed out of her costume putting it in a box, then using her powers to make it invisible to anyone who looked at it, but her.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE
About 20 minutes after she got home that night she went and sat up in a tree and looked up at the stars. Then all of a sudden Batman popped up in the tree behind her ‘I would like my stuff back’ he had said harshly to her. Sam let out a tiny scream and fell out of the tree onto her back ‘What makes you think I’m going to give it back?’ She said back harshly.
Oh, where is Frank Miller’s All-Star Batman when you need him… to smack the shit out of a four-month-old Mary Sue giving him sass?”
They got into an argument and Batman finally said ‘Fine keep them, I don’t care.’
WORLD’S MOST PETULANT DETECTIVE
He turned around and Sam grabbed his wrist and then agreed to join him as his partner and a member of the Justice league.
And suddenly Aquaman was no longer the least respected member of the Justice League.
They went on as partners for a while, fighting and taking down bad guys and girls. Then one day, ‘The Hood’ came back and kidnapped her, beating her really badly.
So we’re supposed to be rooting for The Hood? Got it.
Batman had a hard time trying to find her but when he did he was walking up to the building and it blew up.
Oh, “the” building. When this author sets a scene, it just comes to life so vividly!
Batman freaked, but was so confused when he saw her walking with the Joker, her arm around the back of his neck.
That popping sound you heard was Batman megafan Doctor Smashy having an aneurysm at reading the words “Batman freaked.”
‘Now, now Batsy, How could you not know where your own partner is?’ Batman glared at the Joker and looked at Sam and apologized for not getting there faster, expecally because she was beaten so badly, But she just looked at batman and said ‘I will never forgive you for this. The joker is better at saving people then you.’
You wanna check that math again, Girl Wonder?
And she walked away. She disappeared from Batmans life but still helped the League when they needed It and they helped her, they would never leave her stranded, they loved her like their own… Daughter, for say.
This Tohtpalm brought to you by the horrible insanity that allows an author to think the Justice League would allow one of their members to hang out with the Joker. While wearing a Superman t-shirt from Hot Topic.
Sam was 4 she once again was kidnapped by the hood. For some reason
they just wanted her dead.
I bet I know the reason!
After she was kidnapped the first time 3 of
the hood members decided they were no longer hood members and were from
then on under cover there. Their Names were Jack, Jimmy, and Timmy.
Jimmy and Timmy were twins, Jimmy had the power of fire, although there
were complications like, his whole body was just… Fire and Timmy was the
same, but with Water, Jack on the other hand, was ice, whole body was
made from ice.
What the fuck?! How can you just decide to be under cover when you’re not being under cover for somebody? Why did they change their minds? Why is Jimmy’s all-fire body considered a complication, but Timmy’s all-water and Jack’s all-ice bodies aren’t? Why are the Human Torch, Hydro-Man and Iceman working as henchmen in a group determined to kill the world’s most annoying 4-year-old Mary Sue in the first place? QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS I WANT ANSWERS /slaps apple out of dame’s hand
When they heard the hood kidnapped Sam again, they were
trying to save her, Batman too but when he got there to help, Sam was
laying on the floor dead.
Wait. Jack, Jimmy and Timmy were already part of the Hood. Why did it take them so long to hear that The Hood kidnapped Sam, when that was the organization’s sole purpose? Did they have to read it in the group newsletter?
Batman was so sad, she was like a daughter to
him, and giving she was only 4 years old, it made him feel even worse.
Batman/Bruce made her a funeral and she was buried into the ground.
Well, as tremendously stupid as this is, at least it’s over–
About 5 days later, Sam woke up in the coffin.
I just face-palmed so hard my hand burst out the back of my skull.
The Angels had given
her another chance.
The Los Angeles Angels? Do they have that kind of power? They’re not even first in the AL West, I have my doubts they can resurrect the dead.
She dug her way out of the ground and called Joker
and Icicle Jr. To come to pick her up.
And when the Joker arrived, he shot her right in her stupid face BECAUSE THE JOKER IS NOT A TAXI SERVICE
And she left. She did not
continue to be girl wonder at all, well at least for the time being. She
just sat at home like a lazy teenager, for at least till she was 5
years old, she looked like she was 10.
IT’S FULL OF FACEPALMS
She decided to go to the mall and
watch a dolphin show and was in the front row, ending up sitting beside
Aquaman and his son Kaldur/Aqualad, but she was okay cause she
shape-shifted into some random girl before she went there.
I know what you’re thinking, but remember you’re reading a story about a shape-shifting toddler who sasses Batman, has the Joker on speed-dial, and just Kill Bill‘d her way out of the grave. Failing to pay enough attention to Young Justice — or even comprehending the character designs — to understand that Aqualad isn’t Aquaman’s son is merely twisting the knife.
She got there
and watched it for about 20 mins, Aqualad had left to get some snacks
when the glass started to crack and Sam noticed it.
“OUT-RAGEOUS! Four dollars for a pack of Twizzlers?! Candy merchant, you are a villain of the highest order!”
Oh my god! The
glass is going to crack.? Everyone left except for her and Kaldur. She
looked at them, then all the glass broke open.
She looked at all the people… who left? I swear to god this story is so unbelievably stupid that I’m getting dizzy. The blood is rushing out of my head to deny my brain the power to process this wretchedness as some sort of defense mechanism.
She used as much of her
power as she could, when her nose started to bleed. She looked over at
Kaldur. ?I know you have water powers just like your dad, so get off
your ass and come help!? Kaldur looked at her and went over to help.
Kaldur got all the water back into the tank and Sam said a spell and
glass popped up were the other glass that broke should be.
“Um, why didn’t we do this before the tank broke?” asked Aqualad.
“SHUT UP, FISHBOY, I’M LOOKING AT THE GONE PEOPLE.”
in after that and saw sam and Kaldur talking. He walked over to them and
asked them what happened, they explained and he thanked her for her
help. She looked at him and smiled and nodded. She then left, aquaman
looked at her while she left and shook his head in disbelief that it was
For about 3 years after that she laid low. It was easy for her
because she was a homeless child.
And because no one wanted to find her.
When she was about 8 she was walking
along gotham when she saw on a hill there was a circus. She decided that
would be great shelter so she went and slept under the bleachers. She
woke up when she heard a man and women talking. They were part of “The
Flying Graysons.” Their names were Mary and John Grayson.
I am shocked — SHOCKED — that the author knows the correct names of Dick’s parents. But on the other hand, she is attending the event that led Dick Grayson to becoming the first Robin when the third Batgirl and fourth Robin found her in the woods eight full years ago, so at least that part is inconsistent and insane.
them from under the bleachers, when Mary noticed her. Mary looked over
at John and told him there was a young child behind the bleachers, He
looked over at them and smiled slightly at her. “You can come out, you
don’t got to be shy.” John said nicely to her. Sam walked out slowly and
shyly to them, looking down at the ground. They both smiled and Mary
walked over to her and went down on one knee, lifting Sam’s chin. “I do
not wish to be rude, but what are you doing here, behind the bleachers?”
“Just trying to avoid the Justice League. They really like me and really want me to come back because I’m so cool and powerful! But I don’t want to, that’s why I’m living like a hobo totally on purpose.”
Sam looked her in the eyes and said she did not have anywhere to sleep
so she came and stayed the night behind them.
…which was still beneath the bleachers.
Mary and John felt really
bad for the young girl and gave her a free ticket for the show tonight.
Sam smiled and skipped away happily.
Little did she know that only a few minutes of her presence would lead the elder Graysons into a pit of despair so dark that they had no choice but to kill themselves, abandoning their only child.
A couple hours later, Sam came back for the show and sat in the front
bench with some blank paper and a pencil and eraser. She watched every
bit of the show until Dick “Richard” Grayson (Robin) and his parents
came on ready to perform.
“My name is actually Dick on my birth certificate, but my friends call me Richard. Because Dick means penis.”
As they were performing Sam drew a picture of
their performance, and then sat and watched the rest of it.
show leave through the back and everyone else left through the front
except Sam and Dick. As Dick was leaving through the front, Sam jumps
off the bench and ran over to him, making him stop right in front of the
entrance. Sam smiled “I drew you a picture, It?s of yours and your
parents performance.” She took the folded paper out of her pocket and
handed it to him. Richard unfolded the paper and looked at the perfectly
detailed picture of a part of his parents performance.
amazing!” They both looked into each others eyes and looked away
blushing. They both looked back at each other and Sam blushed even more
“I-I think I like you.” Dick looked at Sam and brushed some hair out of
her face “I think I like you too.”
As his parents walk into the room
quietly, Dick leaned in and kissed her. His parents saw and his mother
smiled at John, whispering, that?s so cute, to him. John Chuckled a
little “Richard, Suppers ready!” Dick and Sam laughed a little.
“The smelly hobo girl can’t come!”
right in.” He said and looked at Sam, inviting her to dinner, Sam
nodded and accepted the invitation.
smiled and took Sam’s hand, walking to their little trailer to eat.
When they walked in, Dick, right away, went and sat at the table after
washing his hands, watching his mother put raw stakes on a BBQ.
Even if she had spelled steaks correctly — WHICH SHE DID NOT — BBQ is the food, not the grill.
walked over to Mary and looked at the stakes. “These look really good.”
“Really sharp and pointy.”
Sam said taking a raw stake of off the BBQ and taking a bite out of it.
She turned around with the raw stake still in her hand, seeing the
grossed out expression on Dick’s face. Sam looked at him “What?, This is
what I ate when I was young… actually all my life.’
“Because I’ve never stopped killing animals and eating them without cooking them. I AM SOME GIRL’S IDEA OF THE COOLEST CHARACTER EVER.”
He shrugged and
we both laughed a little, Sam sat down beside him. They talked and
talked, While eating. Sam didn’t eat very much, but she at least ate
some raw meat ;).
Smily wink lol blood dripping down her chin face
When everyone was done eating Sam and Dick helped clean off the table
and do dish’s. For once in 6 years, Sam felt like she was part of a
family, except for the fact that she realized she had a crush on Dick.
Once they were finished cleaning up, Sam and Dick left the trailer and
went for a walk, talking about Dick’s life and how he got into
preforming at a circus as an acrobatic. ‘What about you?’ He asked Sam,
interested about how she ended up watching the show, or in Gotham in
general. Sam told him, Only the fuzzy (nice things) about her life,
Cause if he really knew who she was, he wouldn’t like her anymore…
In Sam’s defense, I know the non-fuzzy things about her life, and I hate the shit out of her. So this is actually a solid plan.
Well at least that’s what she thought. She just really didn’t know how
much Dick was falling for her. Every second he spend with her… He just
kept falling even more for her.
Her horrible hobo stench, her underage body and mentality, the way she eats raw meat… what’s not to love?
As they were walking they walked up to a
tree on the top of a hill and stood under it. Dick smiled at her and
looked into Sam’s eyes, putting his arms around her waist. Sam blushed
deeply, but played along and put her arms around his neck. Dick pulled
her close to him, just close enough so their body’s were touching. He
whisperd into Sam’s ear ‘I really like you, Would you like to be my
Sam looked at him shocked, thinking it was a little fast,
since they had only met about 2 hours ago, but she liked him too so she
just nodded and said yes. When she said that, Dick pulled her into
another kiss. Then he pulled away and the words, I love you,
Accidentally came out of his mouth, and when Sam heard them, she just
had to laugh a little.
For the past week, Sam and Dick were spending most of there time
together. Sam would always go watch their shows, eat with them, and
sleep in their guest bedroom. After every show, Sam and Dick would go
out and hang or just lay low and watch some soccer or something, and a
lot of the time, she’d go with him and he’d show her some acrobat
skills, which she thought was very fun. Sam was happy, she thought that
she actually found a place to live, and she thought she found some
family and friends, a place where she could call home and not have to
leave right away, but she was wrong.
Because she was dim. So, so dim.
At about the end of the week, Dick
and his family were going to go and set up there act and everything, but
Sam told them she would and went to do it, when she got there, A man
named Zucko was there. Sam didn’t see him at first so she walked right
over to the stage to get stuff set up. The thing is Sam and Zucko have a
past, when she was patrolling, she ran into him and got him arrested
for trying to rob a bank, he still holds a grudge on her and wants her
Who doesn’t want Sam dead? Seriously, if Gotham arrested everyone who wanted to kill Girl Wonder, they’d have no time to catch all the other criminals.
But what happens next? Will Zucko kill Sam instead of the Graysons? Will Batman talk more about how awesome Sam is? Will Sam grow up from being a 10-year-old teenager who looks like a 5-year-old to an actual teenaged teenager? Find out next week on FFF, assuming I don’t slit my wrists at the prospect of continuing this inanity!