Nerd Inc., Sponsored by Arcane: And the Winners Are…
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Nerdery is our business, and business is good! Assuming our business is getting you guys to think up ridiculously funny companies for fictional and nerdy characters, which my business is, technically. I guess you guys might not be so lucky. Anyways, while I regret letting you folks have as many entries as you wanted — as I always do — you guys didn’t disappoint on the hilarity.
Welcome to Honorable Mentions, LLC.
mythbri:
? Sean Bean’s Death Scenes ‘R’ Us
? The Winchesters’ Family Counseling Services
“We put the ‘Fun’ in fully-functioning!”
skrag2112:
? Ender Wiggin’s Holistic Pest Control.
? Dalek Daycare & Nursery School
“YOU…WILL…EAT…YOUR…PUDDING…SNACKS…OR..YOU…WILL…BE…EX-TER-MI-NA-TED!!”
? The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Opened A Mortgage Brokering Firm.
Rpmarsh:
? Deadpool’s Chimichanga and Bullet Emporium
TheMidnightStroker:
? Come see the Xenomorphs at Ripley’s Believe It or Not!
? Dr. Ian Malcolm’s Automotive Customization (Must Go Faster!)
Dr. Abraxas:
? Inuyasha’s Sandwich Shoppe,
home of the five dollar footlong
Lady Rainicorn:
? Walder Frey’s Family Planning Centre.
EyeballFrog:
Link’s lawn mowing service: free of charge**any rupees found while mowing lawn will be considered property of Link
Someguy:
? Edward Scissorhand’s Massage parlor – ask about our happy ending and free circumcision.? Chi’s Computer training program : We boast a 100% male graduation.? Lhasa’s insurance agency : Sometimes trouble just drops out of the sky.? Joker’s Bird Kennel: Famous bird feed and special Crow Bar.? Scott Summers’ Marriage Law Specialist. When, “death do you part” gets confusing.? ?????d ????d ????uo? ??o?n? s??s??d ? p??u? Uatu the Blogger? Starfire’s kissing booth: Ask about our other offers.
Arsenal:
? Link, Freeman and Chell Motovational Speaking
VindicaSean:
? Coulson Bereavement Counseling Center? Hodor, Life Coach? E.T.’s Scared Straight Camp? Brown Automotive: “Making DeLoreans worth a damn since 1885”
ObeeKris:
? Phil Coulson’s Captain America Memorabilia Emporium – Specializing in Vintage and Hard-To-Find Items.? Ra’s Al Gul’s Orphan Training Academy
RandomChance:
? Elektra’s Nachos, the best snack cart in town.*ducks thrown furniture*? The Jean-Luc Picard Art Institute“The line must be drawn HERE!”? Ryo Hazuki- Naval Recruiter“I’m trying to locate some sailors.”? Victor Von Doom’s Fruit Tree Pruning and Removal ServicesOur motto is “Curse you, ORCHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!”? Serenity Sandwich Shop and Fast Food Delivery“Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time! And what kind of sandwiches did we bring?”“Big Damn Heroes, sir.”“Ain’t they just?”? And now a word from Paul Atreides:“The Sleeper has awakened! And it’s all thanks to my new company… Alarm Clocks of Dune!”Also… I apologize in advance if this entry in any way leads to Brian Herbert and Kevin J Anderson actually writing a book called “Alarm Clocks of Dune”
Vatea42:
? Edward Elric’s finest Elbow Grease? Dr. Manhatten’s Atomic Codpieces-Stays Attached Even When You Don’t.? Bruce Banner’s Stretchy Pants Emporium.
Ryan Colson:
Daenarys Targaryen, Pet Detective:
“We’ll find your missing dragons!”
Andy:
Dalek Pest Control services
Daniel Dean:
Mordor Woks. “Simply the BEST!”
Sum Ellis Ock:
? George Lucas School of history revision? George Lucas School of History Revision Special Edition? George Lucas School of Digitally ENHANCED School of History Revision Special Edition? Man-E-faces School of Acting: specializing in Classical Acting, the K-Stew Method, and the Bale Acting Method.? Fisto M.D. Professional Proctologist. “I’m left-handed!”
Foxfire:
? Guy Gardening.The Greenest Gardners in Town!
Galatt_the_great:
I’m going to hell for this one.The Gwen Stacy Bridge Bungee experience“It’s a Snap”
onychomys:
Egg Shen Petroleum: Black Blood Of The Earth for only $105/barrel.
RealaRegula:
“MANOS”: The Manicure Parlor of Fate.
Timely-Tardis lego:
Pinkamina Brand Cupcakes.
“A little bit of you is in every cupcake”
Bazzzinga:
Encoms Nor-Tron Antivirus 2012:“I fight for the fully registered Users!”
Professor Oak’s Child Renaming Services.
Kegs:
? Lex Luthor’s Bulk Cakes.
Limit 40 per person.? Aughra ltd. Makers of fine food and food-like products, including “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gelfling”? Ninja Landscaping Company. “We’re a hedge!”
Red Comet Zeonic Dealership: Used and New Mobile Suits to suit all tastes and price ranges. Their motto is “We can get it in any colour you want, so long as it’s Red! (or sometimes Gold).”
Darthbogus:
Jet Porkins Rebel Squad Flight School and Buffet
DoctorSmashy:
? Doctor Doom’s Home Improvement and Kitten Grooming Service? Bruce Wayne’s All-Bat Pet Shop. For the man who desires about a thousand stray fucking cave bats
Brando Lars:
? Fifty Shades of May – May Parker’s Erotic Fiction Publishing? Wilson Fisk’s Hand Jobs – If you’ve got the job, I’ve got The Hand.
Boss Fight:
Square Enix’s Chocobo-fil-A
Markpoynter:
Bat-Bail-BondsIf their gonna break out of Arkham anyways, Bruce might as well make some money from it.
Christopher Holden:
Captain Reynolds’ Hat Emporium“I swear by my pretty floral bonnets” – Capt. Reynolds
Markpoynter:
Swamp Thing’s Organic Farmers Market“So fresh you can pick it right off me.” – Swamp Thing
Berkowitzjonah:
Inigo Montoya’s Custom Name Tags
Rachel McDonald:
Durnik’s Second Life Carpentry & Ironwork
Oreithyia:
The Tick’s Properly Moisturized and Tastefully Manicured Hands of Justice School of the Untouchable Spiral on the Fourth Down! Hurling Babies Into the Future Like Little Leathery Footballs of HOPE!
Inc.
Umbra_di_Angelo:
Scott Summer’s Laser Eye Surgery, “Trust Me: I’m a Profesional!”.
The Infinite Pet:
MORBO’S S.C.U.B.A. GEAR: SELF-CONTAINED UNDERWATER BEATING APPARATUS.
Chris Ward:
“A Lannister Always Spays His Pets” — Westeros Animal Shelter.
Matthew Nando Kelly:
Deadpool Demolition: The Fourth Wall is Free!
Axerogh:
King Zarkon’s RoboCat Scratch Posts:Whether you need to sharpen your claws or a blazing sword; King Zarkon’s RoboCat Scratch Posts have been the number one scratch post brand since 1984.
(Under new management.)
Arsenal:
Ch’p Taxidermy
SuperBakaKing:
? Tyrion Lannister’s Big & Tall Clothing Outlet? Logan’s Running Supplies
Ketsuko:
Garrus Vakarian’s Extranet Harmony dating service – “our 150 point questionaire is designed to optimamally match your reach to her flexibility.”
AlgusUnderdunk:
? David Lynch’s Confusatirium. Fresh Cabbages.? Pyramid Head’s World of Door Widening.? Edgar Allan Poe’s Carpet World. Carpeting so good you WON’T tear it up in a guilt ridden frenzy.? H.P. Lovecraft’s International House of P’thugacakes.? M. Bison’s Law Practice. When you’re in court it’s the most frightening day of your life. For us, it’s Tuesday. Let us fight for YOU!? Captain Planet’s World of Sandwiches. Ham! Pickles! Lettuce! Mustard! Low Prices! By your powers combined, I am Captain Sandwich! Captain Sandwich. He’s a gyro.
Dherbivore:
Hodor’s Hodor!Hodor, Hodor, Hodor!
P. David Westbrook:
MOLA RAM Cardiology Center
Murphys_Law:
Dothraki Pony Rides. Available for Birthday Parties, Bachelor Parties, and for any blood soaked orgies.
Ronnie Lane:
Princess Celestia’s School Glue
GG:
Sam Witwicky’s Ruffled Potato Chips“Tastes so good, you can’t say nononononononononoNO!”
Dillon J.:
Owl Jolson’s Singing Lessons – Available June-a Through Spring-a
Tony:
Monkey D Luffy’s King of Pilates
Neil Shurley:
Bane Chiropractic
Batzarro:
Sam Witwicky’s On-Foot Delivery Service. “Because when something is really important or dangerous, you want a 5 feet tall, 140 pound skittish young man to carry it.”
Sailor Moon Sex Misorientation Clinic
No entry made me laugh harder than Camuquengue’s. It’s not perfect for the series, bit I can so easily picture a doctor’s office with the Sailor Scouts in lab coats, asking patients, “Are you sure you want to be heterosexual? Well, you see that girl over there? Do you think she’s pretty? Yes? SHE’S A DUDE. What about that girl over there? No, she’s not a guy, she’s definitely a girl… WHO ALSO HAS A PENIS.” I call upon the apparel-making nerdernet to make this shirt happen, and please send one to Camuquengue for her/his troubles.
About The Author
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.