It’s kind of weird, but I realized something this weekend. There’s two things you guys are very good at, and one is being good and caring and hopeful and positive, and the other is being shockingly mean-spirited and insensitive. You’d think that the two would be contradictory, but no; you brought me to tears with the Simple Joys of Nerd-Dom contest from a few weeks bac, and then you brought me to tears of laughter with all the horrible, horrible shit you put in the mouths of the clueless Warner Bros. executives who run the DC movie department. Truly, I’m a little awed to have you all reading TR.
However, that didn’t stop me from being incredibly choosy with this contest’s entries; Once I saw it was over 500, I knew I didn’t want to end up with another 5000 words to sift through, so there are fewer HMs this week — but that also means they are the best of the best and I lvoe them. Hopefully I’ll be back to a better balance this weekend. But for now, it’s time to make merciless fun of the people in charge of one of the bet sets of IP in Hollywood… and no clue how to use any of it. Action!
All these Mentions came to the big city, hoping to break into Honorability. Some will struggle, most will quit, and a few will end up starring in hardcore pornography.
What do I care?
What do you mean we own a comic book company? When did that happen?
When you have exhausted all options…When you find yourself in a pit of desperation, without hope for salvation…And you look upon your once great franchises in ashes…You have my permission to make a Wonder Woman movie.
I’m telling you, the best scam ever was to invest in Disney/Marvel the day after they put me in charge of the DC comic movies. I get paid even if the stuff is crap, and I make a mint when the fans flock to the Marvel films. Pass me that silver spoon, would you…?
“We’ve got your brother Jonathan, Chris. Now sign the Justice League Contract! “
I think we need to reboot Superman. People just don’t seem that familiar with his origin story
“So you know Superman’s kid from Superman Returns? The one with powers? Well, say it with me now: SPIN-OFF!! He’s an angst-ridden orphan who fights crime as another Superman…But to make things different, he’s also electric blue, has new powers, &…Jenkins, why are you holding that knife to your throat? Jenkins? Eh, whatever. Get Nic Cage in as the mentor & we’ll get it out by 2015!”
“Sorry guys, I spent all our movie funds on YuGiOh cards again.”
(Looking at the dailies from the new Superman movie) Hmmmmm. Is there any way we can add nipples to his costume?
“Which character should we do next?”
“We can’t do batman. What else?”
“The dark knight?”
“That’s still Batman, c’mon people!”
“Ooh! The caped crusader!”
“Stan Lee does DC Heroes! Come on, no way that can’t work!”
“Vampires are hot right now. Picture this: Justice League hunts vampires. Wonder Woman falls in love with a sparkling Viking one. Batman has to stake him to save the world. Supergirl has big tits. What do you think?”
“It’s a blockbuster.”
Does Superman REALLY have to be an alien? That whole mutant thing seems to work real well for Marvel….
Sum Ellis Ock:
-I think I got it! My son was watching American Pie movies last night and that Pie Fucker Kid, he’d be Perfect for our next Superhero movie…Stretch Armstrong!!
-Wait a moment Steve.I think Stretch Armstrong is that Marvel guy from that Fox Movie with the big-ass cloud as the bad guy? Fantastic-Men Origins: Wolverine?
-Do we have a stretchy guy that we could use on a raunchy comedy? Uh… Stretch Armstrong?
-We just said that Stretch Armstrong is a Marvel guy, Steve…
-How about Teen titans? We get a bunch of teenage girls and make them parade in those skimpy outfits and… Can we order some 14 year old hookers?
-No Steve, we’re still in America… Now they frown upon that…
“Hear me out, Green Lantern, 1970s buddy cop flick with that big pink pig guy lantern, angry little screaming blue supervisor, car chases, explosions, light construct 70s mustaches.”
THE GODDAMN BATMAN:
“Hey just saw Superman III….two words ….Chris Tucker!!!!”
“Assistant, this sandwich does not please me. REBOOT MY LUNCH IMMEDIATELY!”
Justice League movie with Eddie Murphy playing all the parts.
What? We can’t get Eddie? Quick contact Tyler Perry.
Can someone read this comic to me, please? I… can’t…
“Kids love hip hop dont they? Right, Jason Blood is a struggling rap artist when he makes a pact with the demonic Juggalo Etrigan, using the power of his sick rhymes against the main villain Vibe, who left the Justice League after Superman was unable to keep up with his sweet moves…I’m gonna call it ‘LudaKrisis on Infinite Earths”
“We have Heidi Klum in talks to play Amanda Waller in the upcoming adaptation of Suicide Squad.”
‘Do you have any fives?’
“Well guys, Richard’s upstairs having a breakdown, so if anyone else wants to speak up go ahead.”
“Well sir, I was actually thinking we could tackle Flash, with him taking on captain Boomerang And captain Col-“
“NERD!!! All I hear is blah blah blah I’m a big fat nerd”
“How about…. Well what if we…. You know what? Fuck it. Pass the cocaine and liquified dreams of several generations. I give up.”
Do you think we could get Christopher Reeve back to play Superman Again?
“Hey guys, we’ve got this machine that literally prints money. Should we turn it on?”
Exec: “Wait, the Martian Manhunter’s an actual martian? I thought he was just gay.”
Chief DC movie writer: DAMMIT YOU BASTARDS! WHY DO YOU KEEP LOCKING ME OUT OF MY OWN OFFICE???? SOMEONES GONNA DIE!!!
Intern: Ummm… the door says “Pull” …?
CDCMW: DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! YOU’RE FIRED!!! YOU PRICKS! EVERY DAY YOU DO THIS TO ME FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS!!!
Justice League High School. A tale about how all our favorite heroes met in their teens and teamed up to end the tyrannical reign of Principal Luthor. Expect to see All-American jock Clark Kent, moody bad boy Bruce Wayne, head cheerleader and soccer star Diana Prince, awkward unpopular freshman Barry Allen, and Arthur Curry the captain of the swim team all enter their weekend detention as strangers and leave as a team.
“Somebody send a P.A. to the comic book store, we’re out of toilet paper in the Executive Washroom.”
Ok, I’ll admit Nolan’s Batman was a bit of a setback. But the new Superman movie should put us back on track.
Summer 2013: “Krypto and Me” – Clark Kent is a struggling journalist, until he adopts Krypto
Summer 2014: “Ace The Bat Hound and Me” – Bruce Wayne is a struggling billionaire….
Exec 1: Any luck?
Exec 2: No. I’ve tried 300 times to get Joss Whedon on the phone and apologize for turning down his Wonder Woman script, but he refuses to take the call.
Exec 1: We’ll have to come up with something on our own, then. Hmm. This fan fiction I’m looking at just gave me an idea. A Wonder Woman / Iron Man team up! Tell me…
Exec 2: Yes…?
Exec 1: Does Wonder Woman urinate?
“Three Words: ‘Lobo Day Care’!”
Wonder Woman? A “hero” movie about a chick? Don’t think so. Ever seen The Blind Side? Imagine that, but instead of just wealthy the white woman is also some sort of major general. BOX OFFICE GOLD.
“So, it’s a go for hobo wonder woman?”
After posting my entry and reading the others, I’m now convinced we should scrap this whole contest before some asshole at one of the studios starts copying and pasting like a mad bastard. There’s way too much potential for this stuff to fall into the wrong, coke-addled hands.
Is there a way to make Batman Superman?
“We will pay one million dollars for the death of Joss Whedon.”
WARNER BROTHERS INTERNAL MEMO: Use find and replace on the Avengers’ script. Every time the script mentions “Captain America” we’ll put in “Superman.” Then we’ll replace “Iron Man” with “Batman,” “Black Widow” with “Wonder Woman,” “Hawkeye” with “Green Arrow,” “The Hulk” with “Martian Manhunter,” “Thor” with “Green Lantern,” “Nick Fury” with “Amanda Waller.” Swap “Loki” leading an army of aliens with “Darkseid” leading an army of parademons. Delete references to “terrasect” and change “Coulson” to “Coulton.” JLA starts filming in 2 weeks.
BIFF! BANG! POW! These comic book things aren’t just for kids anymore…
I made potty in the big boys toilet can I have a corner office now?
All these entries were fantastic, obviously, but there were three entrants who I’m convinced bugged the WB DC movie office in order to come up with these entries so amazing they should
be true, even if they aren’t. These are those three entries:
Things Overheard In The Warner Bros. DC Movie Department:
OnanRulz started and thoroughly owned the contest with his brilliant, terrifyingly sensible entry. The only thing that makes more sense than idiots running the WB/DC office is that there’s no one
in the WB/DC office.
John Jeb Brenden Whitlock:
“The f*** do you mean we don’t know how to successfully capitalize on DC Comics? The Vincent Chase ‘Aquaman’ made $116 million on opening weekend!”
The idea that WB/DC executives cannot tell reality apart from the TV show Entourage
is, simply, brilliant. I honestly feel like this sentence had
to have been uttered by a WB exec at some point.
“Damnit! Why can’t Batman, Superguy, Wonder Girl and the rest of our heroes team up like the Avengers?!”
YEESSSSSSSS. If there is one entry that perfectly encapsulates WB’s cluelessness, it’s this right here. I can see the WB exec now, looking over the Avengers box office returns, desperately racking his tiny, barely functional mind to figure out a way to have Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman in the same movie, but coming up short. I’m a little in awe, frankly.
And that, my mean-spirited fellow nerds, is that. Congrats to the winners and thanks to all of you who entered. I have some pretty groovy contests coming up in the next few weeks, so please make sure to stop by on the weekends!