Ultimate Spider-Man’s Gonna Make You Watch It Whether You Want to or Not

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It goes without saying that Ultimate Spider-Man is a terrible cartoon. I mean, just look at the picture above. WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON. I don’t want to know. Anyways, a few weeks ago I gave Ultimate Spidey a modicum of respect for briefly turning into Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham. That’s pretty awesome, and I felt it should be recognized, even if it didn’t quite get me to actually watch the damn show. But this upcoming weekend’s episode… fuck. Here’s the official synopsis:

“Damage” – When Spider-Man and his fellow teenage super heroes cause too much damage in a super villain fight, Nick Fury assigns them to work with the super clean up company, Damage Control, but Spidey’s clean up duty uncovers a villainous mystery.

Damage. Fucking. Control. Animated. In a Sunday morning Marvel cartoon. …I don’t even know how to process this. It’s like Jeph Loeb has been trying to make me eat this shit sandwich for months, and now he’s telling me if I eat it, Kate Upton will give me a full body massage, too. It’s still shit… but it’s also Kate Upton. Is it too much to ask that Kate Upton give me a full body massage while I watch Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes? Yes, I guess it absolutely is. Thanks to Kenny h. for the tip.