Cocktail Hour: And the Winners Are…

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While wading through your entries this week the two things that became most evident to me were that Michael Bay cocktail jokes are very popular and that a bunch of you might very well have careers in mixology ahead of you.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who entered, and for your patience with the new commenting system…something that probably sent a few of you to the nearest bar. Sigh.

Before we get to the honorable mentions, runner-ups and the winner, allow me to once again give a very special thanks to Funimation for sponsoring this week’s contest and providing a Roku box for Topless Robot to give away. Now hit the jump to find out the victors!

Honorable Mentions:



1 1/2 oz vodka

1/2 oz everclear

Fill with equal parts green Monster or Amp energy drink and green
gatorade of your choice. Shake with ice. Serve as shooters or cocktail
over ice. (This drink WILL take down even the Man of Steel!)


The Ron Swanson

Whiskey – from the bottle

Serve with a dozen eggs and two pounds of bacon on the side.


The Mary Sue – Highball (Sickly sweet, and sparkly)

1 oz Goldschlager

1/4 oz Sloe Gin

1/4 oz Chambord or Blackberry Schnapps

Fill with juice of choice, preferably mango or guava

Add grenadine


Smurf Juice

4 oz whipped cream (by volume)

4 oz cup blueberrry juice

3 oz vodka

Stirred not shaken. Stuff coats the throat and make you as loopy as Gargamel.


The Earthworm Jim

 2 oz Tequila

1 oz Jim Beam

8 oz blue Gatorade

1 Sour Gummi Worm

Pour mixture into an empty Bud Lite can and place Gummi Worm into the
top threaded through the tab.  Drink until you can unintentionally
refer to a girl in the bar as “Princess What’s-Her-Name”


Genesis Punch


-1 part rum

-1 part 7-Up, Sprite, or similar

-1 part pineapple juice

-Grenadine (for color)

-Diced and mashed mango, pineapple, and oranges


-Combine ingredients.

-In lieu of shaking by hand, give martini shaker to Kirk as Khan
tells him he’ll be marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead
planet, buried alive. BURIED. ALIVE.

-Strain. Serve over ice.


The Wonka

1 Part Kahlua mudslide mix

1 Part Peppermint Schnapps

1 Part Marshmallow Moonshine

1 Part Wild Blue Beer

1/2 part 99 apple

1/2 part Boone’s Farm


Castle Grayskull

rocks glass with ice

3/4 oz Boru Vodka (a Castle brand)

3/4 oz Crystal Head Vodka (comes in a glass skull bottle)

1/2 oz Kahlua

1/2 oz  half and half creamer (or a heavy whipping cream from carton, not whipped)



1 oz. Midori

1/3 oz.  Three Olives Dude

equal parts sours and sprite. 

(optional add one mezcal worm, and fill a soda can or bottle)can be made as a shot or a drink. 

Surprisingly very refreshing.


The TARDIS (Tasty And Refreshing Decline In Sobriety)

Blue Curacao

Blue Raspberry Vodka

Bombay Sapphire Gin

Drink a few and things get “Wibbley Wobbley”.

A few more and things get “Timey Wimey” as you wake up in the future.

Keep going and you’ll find yourself staring into the porcelain vortex pondering about how much bigger you must be on the inside.


The Captain Mar-vell:

Mix any Human drink with any Kree Drink and then add uranium dust.  Drink it and wait to die from cancer.


The Adventure Time Smoothies!

The Finn and Jake- blend ice, milk, vanilla ice cream, bananas and
peanut butter. Garnish with blueberries (for color). Serve with a
sword-shaped cookie.

The Princess Bubblegum- blend ice, milk, strawberry ice cream, a few
slices of fresh strawberries, whipped cream with candy sprinkles. Serve
with a peppermint on the side.

The Ice King- blend milk, vanilla ice cream, blueberries (2/3),
avocado (1/3) and condensed milk. Serve with an extra layer of shaved
ice. Garnish with a pineapple ring cut into the shape of a crown.


LeChuck’s Revenge – A drink for mighty pirates

1 pint Monkey Island grog – Lime green jello made with too much vodka so it doesn’t gel

1 shot dark rum

“One Piece” Nihonshu (Sake)

1 shot Captain Morgan’s

1 cup salt water

backwash from Dread Pirate Roberts

“Sleep well. It’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”


The Thor:

1 part Sweet Honey Mead

1 part Hard Apple Cinder

A dash of Goldschlager

When done drinking, smash glass and declare, another!


“The Perfect Sidekick”

1 oz Orphan

2 oz Fighting skills

1 oz Whining Bitch*

*Whining Bitch not necessary but generally unavoidable


“The Lemon of Zelda”

1 1/4 oz. Bacardi Limon

6 oz. Lemonade

3/4 oz. lemon juice

1 slice lemon

1 sprig mint


White Walker

Small dash of Parfait d’Amour (a bright blue liquor) in the bottom of a martini glass.

Layer 2 oz of gin (with a dash of Vermouth)  on this using the back of a spoon. 

If done correctly, you should wind up with a martini with a small “eye” of electric blue at the bottom of the glass.

(A variation of this might be to use Blue Curacao and vodka.)

Once thought to be a myth, this drink is becoming more common with the Wildings north of The Wall.


“the Whedon”
The ingredients dont matter because it’ll taste great no matter what
goes into it… The catch, however, is that drinking it will cause the
death of someone you love.


The Gin-esis (aka The Phil Collins)

-1 Guinness

-1 shot gin

-Drop the gin into the Guinness, car-bomb style, then shout out loud
“Ba dum dum, da duh!” while banging on the bar top and slam the drink.
If you spill it you must start over and call it a Peter Gabriel.


Wolfman’s Nards

One Large Barrel Shaped Pint of Root Beer 

One Shot of Bailey’s Irish CremeOne Shot of Vanilla Vodka

Drop those bad boys in your pint and drink up! See? Told ya. Only one way to kill a werewolf.


8 ounces of dry Irish stout, the black blood of the earth. Mix in a
shot of espresso for those long nights on the road. Then add a generous
shot of Maotai, a fermented sorghum spirit that’s strong enough, at
106 proof, to shake the pillars of heaven. No, you don’t need to go to China
to get it. China is here.

What do you call it? Jack Burton calls it the Pork Chop Express.



In a brandy glass, Mix the following

3 parts blue tarantula tequila (100 proof)

2 parts rum (70 proof)

1 part absinth (the UN-diluted barely legal kind)

1 Part 99 bananas

Shake, Drink and feel as if you told the Hulk that you are a god. as you fall down and feel as if he flung you around like a rag doll



Combine 2 parts Bottom-Shelf Tequilla with 1 part Ipecac Syrup.

Pick a fight with the haughty, blue-blooded frat boys at the bar.

Just as they are about to close in on you, unleash the contents of your stomach in a mighty blast of pure destructive power.

Journey onward, leaving devastation in your wake.


JLA Movie

1oz Superman

1oz Batman

1/2 oz Wonder Woman

1 splash Flash

1 splash Green Lantern

1 splash Aquaman

1 splash Martian Manhunter

12oz DC fans’ tears

Pour all ingredients  except tears in a cocktail mixer. Shake well.
Pour the mix down the drain in full view of the customer. Hand them the
tears in a hurricane glass and turn on The Avengers movie.


The Chris Latta

1 part blue curacao

1 part sour cherry liquor

1 part grenadine

Runners up:



Ingredients:  4-sided dice + misc. liquors and additives + pewter goblet (4sp)

 4 steps:

Roll 1d4:

(1) = Vodka    (2) = Rum    (3) = Whisky    (4) = Gin

Roll 1d4

(1) = Soda water    (2) = Coke    (3) = Ice    (4) = Bitters

Roll 1d4

(1) = Lemon    (2) = Mint    (3) = Cherry    (4) = Kobold ear

Mix ingredients in goblet; drink.  

Recommended: Roll 1d20 for save against self.


The Topless Robot- You’ll need:

1 shot glass

All your dignity

1 bottle of Jack (or whatever is cheap and/or on sale – bonus points if it comes in a box)

1 bucket

First off, grind up all your dignity that’s still left and put it in the shot glass…  Throw it away.

Next, chug the bottle.

The bucket should be self-explanatory.

This drink pairs quite well with Fan Fiction Friday.




“Yes of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Tis one of the
sacred drinks Brother Maynard Imbibes. Brother Maynard, Read to us the

-First thou must pour into a glass, a ? ounce of Coconut Rum.

-Second, thou must pour on top another ? ounce of Coconut Rum.

-Thirdly, thou must pour a ? ounce of Watermelon Liqueur.

– Next shalt thou add a ? ounce Triple Sec, and the number of ounces of Triple Sec thou shalt add will be ?.

-Then thou must fill the rest of the glass with Sweet & Sour. Till it is a thumb’s length from the rim shalt thou fill.

-Once the glass is almost full, addest thou a splash of Lime to thy drink.

-Afterwards you must add to the mixture 1 Red Pepper.

-After you have ceased your mixing, and see that thy work is good,
then thou mayest add the final ingredient. Dry Ice. Take heed that thou
dost not drink the Dry Ice itself.

For best results: Shout “One, Two, Five!” Before Drinking.

poultryman42 nabbed the win thanks to a clever and well-written entry that might actually make for an excellent drink at nerd meet-ups. Congratulations (and enjoy your new Roku, courtesy of Funimation). Thanks again to everyone who entered, and if you lost this time around you can always drown your misery in some sweet sweet booze.*

*Topless Robot does not condone drinking. Except when it does.