First off, a huge thanks to everyone who entered this week’s contest and shared their stories of inappropriateness.You guys really went all out, and I can honestly say that this was the most enjoyable TR contest that I’ve had the privilege of judging to date. The entries varied from outrageous to offensive, but they were mostly incredibly entertaining…and suitably inappropriate. (It was also a bit unusual of a contest for me, for reasons that will become clear once you learn the winners).
Before we get to the victors a quick word. Because so many of you violated the length rule, I decided to be lenient and consider these wordy entries anyway. Again, the overall entertaining nature of your submissions helped me overcome any word count issues. So I made an exception…this time.
Finally, thanks again to everyone who entered. And remember, if you didn’t win you’ll have another chance to earn a TR shirt at the end of this week. Honorable mentions and winners are after the jump!
In 2007 I was hospitalized for pancreatitis. It is a severely painful
and in some cases fatal ailment, and its treatment is to suspend all
food and drink and apply liberal amounts of pain medications. Surrounded
by friends, one said very simply and very sincerely, “Please, don’t
die.” to which I replied, “Do not grieve, soon I shall be one with the
Matrix. <insert friends=”” here=”” name=””>, it is to you old
friend that I shall pass the Autobot matrix of leadership as it was
passed to me. One day an Autobot shall rise from our ranks to light our
darkest hour..” and fell out in an opiate induced haze.
Upon finding out that my girlfriend’s co-worker, who is legally blind,
got a promotion, I exclaimed “Hurray for blindy!” which is what Bender
once said in reference to a sight-deprived Leela on Futurama. Although I
got a hearty punch from the girlfriend, she laughed her ass off.
As a teacher, I frequently try to force choke my unruly students. It hasn’t worked yet. But one day… One day…
The Midnight Stroker:
During my senior year of high school, I got a very nasty case of stomach
flu. I had a fever of 106, my mom stayed home from work to make sure I
wasn’t going to die. She had just given me a bowl of tomato soup when I
became violently ill and left a trail of pink sick from my bed to my
bathroom. After several minutes of my stomach convulsing repeatedly
producing a horrid mess, I heard my mom ask if I was OK through the
door. I don’t know why but all I could say was, “I… am… Tetsuo.”
Wore my Topless Robot shirt… at my cousin’s wedding. My mother made me
go home and change, and one elderly relative muttered it meant I was
some kind of internet porno aficionado.
At my uncle’s funeral, whom I knew well, I put my hand on the coffin in
the shape of a Vulcan salute, and said “you have, and always will be, my
When I was in the Gulf War, my platoon had come across a destroyed Iraqi
vehicle. As everyone was looking around at all the debris, I picked up a
small piece of metal and said to my sergeant “Look sir. Droids.” He
gave me a disgusted look and shook his head in disapproval.
I once told a girl who wasn’t sure if she was miscarrying that she was
carrying Schroedinger’s Baby. I…immediately regretted that decision,
though for some reason she remains in touch with me.
So there you have it, your honorable mentions and winners. This contest was a bit unusual for me to judge because the winners I chose here were amongst the first entries received. Now before you call shenanigans let me say that as I monitored the rest of the submissions over the weekend it became clear that the winners I chose were, in my opinion, the best entries overall in terms of inappropriateness and nerdiness. (As you can tell from the HMs, a lot came close though).For those of you who might be displeased with the results, you can take some solace in the fact that Rob will once again be handling the contest this week. Thanks again folks!