How Your Nerdiness Has Screwed Up Your Love Life: And the Winners Are…
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You know The Replacements song “Unsatisfied?” I thought about that jaunty ode to ennui several times while judging this week’s contest because so many of you seem to be extremely displeased with your love lives or lack thereof. I mean, the sadistic part of me was thrilled, because obviously this contest was a fishing expedition seeking to reel in true tales of heartbreak, missed opportunities and unrequited love. In that respect you guys did not disappoint. Unfortunately, now I’m totally bummed out and I think I’m going to spend the rest of the day listening to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures and being surly. While I go do that, here are your contest results.
Before we get to the honorable mentions and winners, I want to thank each and every one of you who took the time (and courage) to reveal these personal stories. Here’s hoping that you all find the happiness you deserve. Awww. Now with that schmaltz out of the way, let’s see what stories inspired enough laughter and pity in me to earn the two winners their TR shirts.
Honorable Mentions:
Hmmm…:
That’s simple. I’m a nerd. I’ve never been on a date.
SomeOtherGuy:
My girlfriend hates Star Wars with a passion. I’m mostly ok with that. I hated ep 1-3, and can’t stand lucas’s re-re-re-re-editting. However we got into a discussion about it, and his whoring out licensing and I wasn’t really trying to defend it, but I do like Darth Vader as a chacter. She absolutly flipped on me. Not really sure why, but I know it cocked blocked me.
Does getting dumped for being more interested in buying He-Man toys than meeting her parents count? If so, then me, last Monday… Rattlor sold out and I’m single again!
Dave:
Telling her “Wait while I put something sexy on” and coming out in my Aquaman pajamas.She said it would have been okay if it were any other hero… but Aquaman, she felt insulted.
Well I could tell you of how once my nerdy job as a network engineer got me called during sex to reboot a network switch.
Or how my ex-girlfriend got so jealous of a “onegai teacher” figurine she did not spoke to me over a week.
I once had to break up with someone because he said science fiction was dumb and his favorite actor was Ben Stiller. Also, he refused to watch Shark Attack 3 with me, without knowing anything about it, and despite my constant assurances that it is “an amazing movie, that you really really need to watch.”
I once passed up a possible date with a guy who had a crush on me because I was deep in the middle of a particularly heated game of Magic: The Gathering. He picked the worst possible time to ask me, as I had just managed to summon my Mahamoti Djinn. There was no way I was giving up that kind of advantage.
I was with my then boyfriend. We were, well getting it on, and I stopped because I heard the Star Trek TOS theme playing in the background. It ended up being my favorite episode “Balance of Terror” so I was immediately absorbed in the awesomeness of battle of tactics between Kirk and the Romulan Captain (who was incidentally played by Mark Lenard, otherwise known as Sarek). Needless to say, boyfriend and I didn’t last long after that.
As a gay man bringing other men to my room with my Disney’s Alice in Wonderland bed spread (covered with Alice character plush to go with it), shelves dedicated to Rainbow Brite, Care Bears and Muppet Babies, a bit a Strawberry Shortcake in there as well, and two Disney Big Figures placed on my night stands. I don’t see many guys again once I bring them to my place.
THE_PR0F3550R:
It’s a lonely night of studying at BAM for me tonight. The road ahead is long and desolate. I once was a lucky man who had two ladies who despite my childish behavior and love of toys and nerd properties still hung around me. One such lady was an absolute doll enjoying the festivities at the medieval fair and what not, but alas my love of Skyrim was more important than she and so rampaging as a berserk orc was more enjoyable than being in my lady’s company. The other lady was my off-and-on lover for nearly three years. She put up with my antics, my toys, my geek quests with my nerd friends, and all the other endeavors of nerdom that are shunned by greater society. In the end I just wouldn’t grow up living my Peter Pan life. Her parting words to me were, “Have fun playing with your dick and your toys! Don’t ever contact me ever again!”
I turn thirty tomorrow and sadly I can say the only relationship I ever had was from several years ago, when I played Final Fantasy XI (that’s my character’s avatar right there you’re seeing). I was a paladin, she was a dark knight. We partied together, we hung out in each other’s Mog Houses, etc. The relationship ran its course and I never saw her again. She never responded to emails either. Eventually I gave up trying and moved on. I gave all of my items, gear, and gil to some up and coming paladin and I logged off forever. I can’t think of Final Fantasy without thinking of her, my final fantasy.
I lost my last girlfriend due to replaying the Mega Man Anniversary Collection. She chose to want to make out with me while I was fighting the final boss. I shoved her away and said “Not now, I’m fighting Dr. Wily!”
My ex and I were playing Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2. It was one of the few games we both wanted to play “as a couple.” It was supposed to be silly and fun. But when it came to choosing whether or not we would be pro or anti registration, we had different opinions. It ended with a screaming match, me questioning how I could love someone who was pro-registration. We didn’t pick the game up for about a week.
I have to go to sleep watching Red Dwarf.
SpicySolarSandwich:
I had a girlfriend once, and we were doing something and she said she loved me and I thought it would be way clever to quote Han Solo and I responded with “I know.” She did not get the reference, and it did not get me anywhere. I guess I’m just a “stuck up, half witted,scruffy looking nerfherder!”
I appreciate gaming as much as the next nerdy gal, but the final straw in an already terrible relationship was his obsession with Everquest. I wouldn’t see him for days, and – once – paraded around his room completely naked. He didn’t look away from the monitor at all. He started lying about working late, when in actuality, he wanted more alone time with his game. I thought it was another woman, but it wasn’t. It was simply Everquest. Even now, years later, when anyone mentions that game, I go to a very dark place in my head.
A decade ago I was involved with a gal that hated the fact that my day-to-day clothing ensembles usually consisted of jeans or bdu pants, t-shirts, and an over shirt. She’d try to get me to dress more fashionably and I’d steadfastly refuse to buy or wear anything trendy. Anyway, we’ve been dating for long enough that she wants me to meet her parents and she invites me to a weird semi-formal family reunion dinner that they’re having one Saturday afternoon. Her mind is blown when I show up in a nice black suit, red dress shirt, and black silk tie. For most of the afternoon, she’s elated and her parents, though polite, are very stuck-up and seem only able to complement me on my clothes and not much else. As the affair draws to a close, my girlfriend suggests that we ought to go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and have a night out. I shoot her down by saying, “Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got to attend my live-action Vampire game later and there’s no way I’m missing it since I’m finally in position to destabilize the city’s political power structure. Besides, I’ve been wearing my costume all day.” That was pretty much the end of that relationship…
kegs:
My nintendo power glove shorted. I have scars, both emotional and physical.
I once stood up a date for our college’s big formal dance because I was too engrossed in a new episode of “Justice League Unlimited.” Specifically, “The Doomsday Sanction.” I sat there in my room, wearing my tux and transfixed at my tiny TV while my date waited furiously downstairs, incredulous that I left her hanging over a “stupid cartoon.” Years later, I told another girl I was dating this same story, expecting her to tell me what an asshole I was. Instead, she turned red, grinned, and confessed, “Oh my god, I stood a guy up that same night to watch that episode too!” So, yeah, we’ve been together four years now.
I was took an intermission during a make-out session to watch “Lost”. I was as oblivious to why that was a bad idea as to what the hell was going on on the Island.
Even if your boyfriend’s name is Joe, you still cannot extoll the virtues of Real American Heroes in the throes of passion. Lesson learned. Stupid catchphrases.
I went to San Diego Comic-Con instead of visiting my fiance.
I found out the hard way that it’s a bad idea to tell any woman you have a crush on that you would like to take her in a manly fashion because they are pretty. Even if they’re a Firefly fan, they’re more likely to be creeped out than flattered and impressed by the reference.
The second date was to the Rocky Horror Picture Show with audience participation.
There was no third date,.
I had talked to a very attractive young lady and she didn’t run away, I even convinced her to come back to my place.(that never happens) On the walk back to my apartment she was sure to let me know, in great detail, exactly what she wanted to happen when we got there. (lots of sex) Very excited I did the quick “this is my bedroom” tour. She asked me about the shelf full of action figures in the corner. I made a noncommittal comment and tried to move things along. She stopped me and told me that this wasn’t going to work out after all. “I didn’t know you were that type of guy” pointing to the shelf and walking out.
I’m here, on a Friday night, entering this frakking competition instead of going out drinking and getting laid by blokes with beards Does that answer your question!?
Winners:
I was spending the night at a hotel with my then girlfriend, who was as big a nerd as me. In the midst of the throes of passion, she stops me. Have we forgotten to take precautions? No, she needs to play Pokemon to get an item that only appears at a set time. I’d always expected her to replace me with a battery powered bedtime companion, I just didn’t expect it to be made by Nintendo…
Oh no. Oh dear. It can’t get more embarrasing than that.
We were hanging out on the bed watching repeats on TV. I was, shall we say, in the mood and making my intentions known. The program had ten minutes to go, so I gently started the making out process, figuring it would shift into high gear once the current program was over. I ramped it up very carefully during the remaining time, being mindful about not being obnoxious or interfering with the TV watching, but leaving no doubt what I had in mind.
When the credits rolled, he sat up and said “Time for some Mario” and left me alone in the bedroom. The only thing that saved it from being the most humiliating moment ever was the pure shock at being cockblocked by Super Mario.
When we broke up, I made it a point to keep the game as punishment to them both. Who will play with you now, Mario? You little homewrecking slut.
Yep. It can. The lesson to be learned from the winners here is that VIDEO GAMES KILL LOVE. Sheesh. Thanks again to everyone who entered and as for the winners, well, you can take some comfort in the fact that a brand new Topless Robot shirt will be keeping you warm at night soon
About The Author
Chris Cummins is a pop culture writer and Archie comics historian who has contributed to The Robot's Voice, Den of Geek US, Philebrity, Geekadelphia, Uproxx, and Unicorn Booty. He is the co-producer and co-host of Nerd Nite Philadelphia, and is regularly involved in producing and hosting New York Super Week events. In 2014, Chris began Sci-Fi Explosion, a mix of live performance, trivia and funny clips celebrating the weirdest in science fiction that regularly travels around the United States. He wrote the introductions to the compilations Archie's Favorite Comics From The Vault and (with Paul Castiglia) Archie's Favorite High School Stories. You can find Chris on Twitter at @bionicbigfoot and @scifiexplosion.