Speaking of Resident Evil, it’s finally time to reveal the Honorable Mentions and winners of last weekend’s contest, sponsored by Resident Evil: Damnation (available on DVD and Blu-ray this very instant!). Two winners will receive the Resident Evil prize pack above, including a copy of Damnation, an exclusive figurine, and a variety of posters!
I had my own bout of survival horror when I realized that I forgot to mention to keep them brief — meaning there are some pretty long entries after the jump — but with the help of a few herbs and some typewriter ribbons, I made it through the entries all right. I image you will be able to as well. Watch out for any large people muttering “STARS”, though.
If you mix the Honorable Herbs and the Mention Herbs, you get the Blue Herb. No, I don’t know how it works either.
I have asked time and time again for this cloaked figure to be taken care of, and yet I see him nearly everyday. Outside my window, in the bathroom, in the ladies bathroom, in the elevator. He obviously knows who I am and yet he still calls me ‘stranger.’ I have been offered strange herbs, chemicals, firearms, even blueprints. I have also been solicited for money, and when I broke down and gave him a gorgeous Beerstein, I was met with ‘Is that all? Stranger?’ He’s creepy, and needs to be out of my life. Fail to do so, and I will punch some boulders at you.
To: All Departments
From: Janitorial staff
The Janitorial staff would like remind all workers that the mansion is not a place to store your illegal drug growing operation. Me and my staff have found so many potted herb plats that we have started storeing them in trunks around the house. Yesterday my staff reports they have found red and blue herbs and guns all located in trunks and hidden in the strangest places. We will be contacting Raccoon City police Department for clean up.
To: All Umbrella Corporation Employees & Independent Contractors
From: Elaine Marie Benes – Head of Umbrella Corporation Marketing
Subject: Corporate Re-Naming Contest
In an effort to re-energize, redefine, and re-brand our corporate image, the marketing department has exhaustively polled the remaining uninfected population for creative ideas to rename Umbrella Corporation in order to capture the Hip, Happening, Corporate Culture we all enjoy. The votes have been tallied and everyone at Marketing is proud to announce that from this point forward, Umbrella Corporation shall be known around the world as “Urban Sombrero.”
New business cards, signage, and letter head stationary will be distributed as soon as the issues affecting shipping are eliminated and Urban Sombrero shipping operations return to normal.
Thank you for your kind attention and don’t forget to change your voice mail recordings accordingly.
To: Paul WS Anderson
From: Jill Valentine
CC: Chris Redfield, Claire Redfield, Leon Kennedy, Albert Wesker
Subject: Fuck You!
We are not Milla Jovovich’s bitches!
FROM: Oswell Spencer
TO: All Employees Currently at My Mansion
Has anyone seen my pet snake?
Any leads are appreciated (he isn’t hard to miss)!
From: Susan Gehrer, Umbrella Corp Raccoon City Division, VP
Subject: Safety Concerns
It has come to my attention via complaints from the janitorial department that someone has been throwing their trash in the shark tank.
I would like to remind everyone that Subject XV003 “Jaws” is the subject of millions of dollars of biochemical research, and as such is not a garbage disposal.
If anyone is caught abusing their privileges as middle-level managers with keys to the zoological division, there will be severe consequences.
Also, Albert Wesker has asked me to remind you that this Sunday is Spooky Sunday, so don’t forget to put on your favorite costumes and get ready to scare the pants off your coworkers!
FROM: Purchasing Director
TO: Chief Financial Officer
SUBJECT: Green Initiatives
While I agree with and support the Board’s decision to jump on green initiatives for the sake of both company sustainability and PR, I can’t help but think that we have a money-sink in one rather important category. With the OSHA requirements to have first aid kits within 50 feet of every potentially dangerous piece of factory equipment and laboratory, the switch to the all natural ‘herbs’ we found ‘in the wilds of the Amazon’ is currently costing the company about $475,000 per day.
Yes, PER DAY. $475,000!
Each of these herbs requires it’s own pot. For some reason, if you try to grow one next to any other, they fight to the death like some kind of super weed, or worse yet, combine into one big one that cuts back on available doses. Each pot costs at best $1.25 from our suppliers. I looked into it, and it would still cost $0.89 each to make our own.
Each one needs to be watered, daily. Each one requires no less than 8 oz. of water a day, and ideally they need more like 12 oz. Currently, we have janitorial doing the watering, but they are already complaining about the extra work. We might have to hire some people just to water the plants. With janitorial doing it, it costs an extra 2 hours per day, per person. To hire out at the cheapest Mexican labor we can find, it’s still $23,439.71 per day.
Don’t get me started on the fertilizer and special lights needed.
We really need to go back to the good ‘ol Johnson & Johnson first aid kits. They are SO much cheaper.
From: General Manager Umbrella Corp
To: Projuct Manager, Bio-Weapons
Gentlemen, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but I’m afraid we have to shut down your department. I’ve just been informed that several of our military contributers have backed out of funding our projects. They were not impressed by the results we had to show them, and I hate to say it, but I do have to agree with them.
Don’t get me wrong, you guys have been doing some fantastic work down there. The lizard creatures, the zombie dobermans and fish, the giant spiders and especially the Tyrant and Jabberwocky projects, these have all been great. But I think you’ve strayed off the path somewhat. We were paid to create biological weapons for combat use, and unfortunately, they’re not very combat effective.
And not just bacause many of these creatures move so incredibly slowly that even small children can outrun them , I’m talking about the fact that all of our creations can easily be shot to death with regular calibur ammunition. I mean, did we forget that we were going to send these things to fight armies with guns? One of our backers showed me a video of some guy on the local police force killing on of the Lickers that got loose recently just by running behind it and shooting it repeatedly with a handgun. Not the sort of thing that makes us look good.
Plus there were concerns raised about tha fact that despite all our research, we still haven’t found a way to actually control these monsters and make them do exactly what our clients want them to do. No one wants to buy a bio-weapon that rips off the heads of the people it’s meant to be defending from enemy attack.
Look, we can possibly salavge this mess, find some way to regain from profit from these abominations of nature, so why not take a few days off and we’ll discuss restructuring the project when you get back. Oh, and make sure all the creatures are locked up and sedated before you leave. We’ve got a shareholders meeting next tuesday, and I do not want a repeat of last month whan that pharmacutical rep had his kidneys eaten. That was just… ecch.
P.S On a positive note, do you remember those parasites you guys created? The ones that latch onto people, turn them into mindless slaves and occasionally turn their heads into a mass of writhing tentacles? Good news, I found a guy who’s willing to buy every single one. Some guy named Ramon Salazar, ever heard of him. He wants the whole lot delivered to some dump in the middle of Spain or somewhere… hey it’s his money, what he wants with a bunch of head devouring leeches isn’t our business.
To: Raccoon City Mansion Lab Staff
From: Building Operations
Subject: 1st Floor East Hallway Windows
To all Mansion staff: We have asked repeatedly for all staff to avoid the east hallway on the first floor. Everyone knows that Rufus the doberman is EXTREMELY rambunctious and will leap through the floor-to-ceiling windows of that hallway to get passersby to play ‘fetch’.
To prevent continued damage to these windows, and to keep poor Rufus from continuing to injure himself on broken glass, please use the Dining room access way to reach the rear areas of the building.
Thank you for your help-
From: Steve in Accounting
To: All employees
WHOEVER KEEPS REPLACING THE RED KEY TO THE BREAK ROOM WITH A PUZZLE PIECE OF A CLASSICAL PAINTING STOP IT. IT’S NOT FUNNY AND THE ONLY WORKING VENDING MACHINE IS IN THERE. Also, can anyone figure out where this red jewel eye goes? We have 20 statues in this building and I really need the bathroom key.
P.S. who keeps leaving typewriter ribbons lying around? Does anyone even use those?
From: Bill Temple, HR Department
Subject: Bouts of depression?
To whom it may concern,
I understand that lately there have been rumblings of company-wide depression stemming from the various incidents that have occurred since 1998. Please let me be the first to say that these ‘events’ were unfortunate but nevertheless required to help us prosper. For those interested, we have just recently hired several more in-house grief therapists to help you come to a swift understanding. However, seeing as each session will incur a minimal fee to be deducted from your paycheck, I will outline a few of the major bullet points surrounding each of the events.
1.) The T-Virus outbreak in our Arklay Mountain laboratories took the lives of many valued employees, but their deaths were not in vain! Do not forget that the brave men and women involved in the projects there not only provided us with dozens of specimens to recreate and study, but they also managed to realize and perfect the ultimate goal of the T-Virus strain: a Tyrant! It is… regretful that Albert Wesker’s personal agenda resulted in the remnants of the Raccoon City S.T.A.R.S. unit killing the Tyrant, but they paved the way for all of you!
2.) The Raccoon City incident filled all of our hearts with sorrow, but this too has a bright side! Following Dr. William Birkin’s untimely death – which I assure you was NOT brought about by a secret in-house kill squad as rumored – he morphed into an unprecedented creature with his very own G-Virus strain revealed to have amazing potential. Though the nuclear strike sent forth by the United States Government eradicated all trace of the various infections, never fear! One of our very own employees – again, NOT a member of the rumored kill squad – saved a single vial of the G-Virus which is now being put to use. The vaporization of our sole NEMESIS specimen was a tragic set-back, as you all are aware, but we DID gain valuable field data on our mass-produced Tyrant models.
3.) Now, nobody saw the assault on Rockfort Island coming. It was a cold, calculated strike against us by a traitorous rat that set forth a cataclysmic chain of events, including yet another accidental T-Virus outbreak. Alfred Ashford, one of the youngest and brightest Umbrella scientists to ever live, and the ultimate example you should each strive to mimic, valiantly lost his life trying to perfect and protect the T-Veronica Virus. While it is truly sad that all known samples were lost to us, we can all rest easy with the knowledge that our aggressors are being hunted down as we speak – but NOT by some far-fetched, non-existent kill squad.
4.) The events that unfolded on the Ocean Liner “The Starlight” is… well, that one is better left forgotten.
5.) Similarly, what transpired on the “Spencer Rain” was is also quite tragic but altogether irrelevant.
6.) Also, the events that unfolded in Russia were just… no. You know what?
I’m done. This is all bullshit. NOTHING good came of any of this. Nothing good will EVER come from all of this, and you know what? I HAVE TWO DOZEN MORE INCIDENTS TO ADDRESS!!! Screw it. If you scatter-brained scientist types were half as careful as you are arrogant, NONE of these horrible things would have happened. Do you all have butterfingers? BUTTERFINGERS!!! YOU ALL HAVE BUTTERFINGERS!!!
Consider this my resignation. Screw Oswald E. Spencer and SCREW UMBRELLA CORPORATION!!!! I’m taking that job offer after all. Aperture Science, here I come! Now THAT is a company that has their shit together.
That kill squad totally exists. IT EXISTS AND IS RUN BY A GUY NAMED HUNK. HUNK?! HUNK!!!
From: John Roberts Payroll Dept
To: All Employees
Subject: W2 Forms
As per numerous inquiries, I have double checked the IRS tax code and have determined that any and all appendages (self aware or not) that grow from an employees body can NOT be claimed as dependents on your W2 form or your tax returns.
Any questions please feel free to call my office during business hours.
From: Umbrella Corporation.
From: Umbrella New Plant Development Department
To: Upper Management
I have been scouting possible locations for Umbrella’s newest plant and I believe I have found the perfect location: Silent Hill.
Yes, the same Silent Hill that has a fire burning under it, is enclosed in a permanent fog (which makes walking around town extremely depressing), and whose only residents are members of a weird religious cult OR serial killers (sometimes both).
There are several reasons why a plant in this location would benefit Umbrella.
1. In the event of an outbreak, it would be easily contained as there are only a few dozen (at most) inhabitants of Silent Hill.
2. Due to the dense fog, the researchers assigned to the facility would not opt to spend much time outside the facility.
3. The town is already full of creatures (see: Pyramid Head) that if one of our creations escaped, it would not immediately be identified as being an Umbrella B.O.W.
4. There are no police departments, no STARS, and no one who would snoop around such a facility.
Please let me know what you think of building on this location. If building a new building isn’t feasible, there are plenty of abandoned buildings in the town that we could easily take over and modify for our needs, such as the Alchemilla Hospital, which has been abandoned since an event several years ago that resulted in the death of the hospital’s director, Dr. Kaufmann.
From: Umbrella Management
To: All Employees
RE: Office Supplies
Due to an alarming increase in the amount of office supplies that have been disappearing as of late, please be advised that from this point on all employees are required to limit the number of items on their person at any one time to no more than nine (9).
This applies to all items regardless of size or function. For example, if you want to pick up your coffee mug (or a handy RPG), you must first place one of the nine paper clips you might be carrying into one of our inconveniently-located inventory lockers (or you may discard it altogether).
There are NO EXCEPTIONS. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
TO: Umbrella Corp. R&D
Let me start off by saying how much I enjoy watching you folks in the lab work and how invaluable your commitment to investigating unexplored and previously unheard of means of revenue production is to our company. The zombie-creating virus? Perfection. Exactly the sort of creative, forward-thinking that built this corporation. That being said, I do have some concerns about this new program some of you are working on. It’s not that I don’t see the financial possibilities of a miniature catapult that would fire kittens and puppies into a chipper-shredder. A creative solution to controlling the out-of-control number of stray animals in Raccoon City? That’s Umbrella Corps thinking in action! No, my concern is that there’s not enough being done to maximize the profits potential of such a device. Have we begun testing the accumulated slurry for medical uses or considered refurbishing the end product into some manner of high-energy foodstuff? Couldn’t we get a group of children to watch the device in use and find some way to harness their tears for some manner of doomsday device? I’m just spit-balling here, of course. I don’t want to tell you how to do your jobs but… well, it IS my job to tell you how to do your jobs. Find a way to improve the earnings potential by the end of next quarter or I’m cutting your grant.
To: Research and Development
From: G. Romero, Research Director
Attn: Research and Development Team
I realize that our last few biological weapons projects have gotten a little out of control, spreading swiftly from our state of the art, high security research lab to the unsuspecting and gullible populace of the cities that we build our secret labs under, but I have an idea of how to prevent such set-backs from occurring in the future: let’s take our last super-virus, mutate it a little, and make it even stronger, more potent, and difficult to destroy. We had problems containing the last one, but I am positive that by making our next virus much more powerful and unpredictable, and keeping our current security protocols exactly the same, we will be able to keep it contained, no problem. Giant indestructible mutants should be much easier to deal with than a bunch of shambling corpses. Let’s keep up the great work team!
And don’t forget, Friday is 80’s day, so make sure you remember your stretch pants and oversized tops!
If anyone has or knows the whereabouts of the Rooster Key, please inform your supervisor. Nobody can get to the third floor.
Re:Take Your Child To Work Day
Due to unforeseen circumstances this years Take Your Child To Work Day has been replaced with We Hope Your Children Will Survive The Day Day.
Were sorry for any inconveniences this may have caused.
From: Richard Johnson – Security Guard Trainee
Re: Weapons Use Policy and Training
I’m fairly new here and I’m aware that Umbrella Corp expects high standards from their security guards, but I wanted to express some concern I have about my recent small-arms weapons training. I attended the mandatory seminar put on by the Raccoon City Police Department, and they were saying that whenever I draw my firearm I am not to move except to pivot slightly in place. Is this a sound tactic? What if I needed to run for cover or dodge quickly? Should I really need to holster my weapon first? It just seems counter-intuitive. Please Let me know
To: Zoological Specimen Research Department
Re: Emergency Preparedness Report
Please note that I have reviewed your Emergency Preparedness Report (EPR), and would like to make the following recommendations.
1) If you select dog breeds specifically because they are strong enough to break through glass windows, you should not make glass windows your primary containment barrier.
2) If you are going to select dogs for experimental (read: in-house use) please select dog breeds that have LARGE, FLAT-FACED skulls. Getting a kill shot on the needle-nosed Dobermans you have been using is ridiculously difficult. While this may be a selling point for people looking to purchase these particular specimens, leave the Dobermans and Greyhounds to Sales and Marketing.
Finally, I cannot stress enough that your alarm must be a klaxxon, in line with Umbrella’s Umbrella Emergency procedures. “Who Let The Dogs Out” is not an acceptable choice for an escape alarm.
FROM Executive VP Public Relations Umbrella corp
TO: All Employees Umbrella Corp
The recent events here at the facility have generated a great many calls to this office, most of them asking for guidance on how to respond to various inquires from local media, local government officials and even concerned citizens of Raccoon City. We are listing a few examples of the Corporate Public Relations talking points:
1) There are no such things as zombies. This is simply the cast of Jersey Shore working on a stage musical version of their now canceled television show to tour the country.
2) The T-Virus has little to no side effects. The most persistent one is the insistence of someone infected with it to shout “I pity the fool!”
3) Raccoon City has moved. They didn’t like the heat. We don’t know where they went. We were talking to them last week over the backyard fence and they seemed fine. Sorry, they didn’t leave a forwarding address.
4) Yes, a former employee has had some mental issues with regards to what we believe to be paranoia. She thinks she’s a fictional character named Leeloo Mina? Lekarariba-Lamina-Tcha? Ekbat De Sebat. If you encounter her, it appears that she likes chicken. Lots of chicken.If you need further assistance, please feel free to visit our offices with the facility. Knock twice, and move slowly.
To: All Umbrella Employees (but particularly the janitorial staff)
Subject: Herbs (fourth memo)
I know what you think of when you hear the term ‘green herb.’ Believe me – it was a poor choice of words on our part. Just know that it is NOT intended to be used the way you’re using it. If you cannot get the message, frankly, we’ll just keep our building stocked with the red and blue herbs and discontinue production of the green variety.
From: R. Goldberg, Security Dept. Chief
Starting next week, all RFID readers, keycode access doors, and keycard terminals will no longer be in use. Please be certain to pick up your new division-assigned color-coded medallions, crankshafts, and antique jewelery from your section managers before you leave this Friday. Also, I would like to remind all employees that you put all of us at risk when you write down the answers to our riddle-based emergency exits.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Janitorial found another pair of designer sunglasses during last nights cleaning. This time they were located in the greenhouse on the fifth floor, we can only assume they are yours. They can be picked up anytime today during business hours along with the 14 other pairs still in our possession. See Marnie behind the Taurus shaped water fountain in the Logistics Division to reclaim your property. A red and blue jewel are required to gain admittance, which can be picked up in the lobby though it may require multiple trips.
Okay we got a new pack of pens so
don’t forget to sign the get well cards in the break room.
And here are the two winners!
To: Umbrella Personal Public Relations Dept.
ATTN to whom it may concern,
I’m not entirely sure who to contact about this, but I would like some clarification. When I was brought on this team, I was told to shape the image of Umbrella to the people. I was to make our pharmaceutical company stand out form the others by appearing more approachable and in touch with the everyday man. However, it would seem that despite my best efforts, the actions of the company seem to go in direct violation of what I was hired to do. Please take the attached video as an example, which I created and submitted as per requested last monday.
Everything goes well until about the 00:50 mark, and then it gets a bit confusing. While I can understand the head of our marketing division having the final say on all projects (even when this ad in particular was ALREADY greenlit and was finalized to MY knowledge), I must question the content of the extended scenes. It is almost as if it was done to purposely contrast with the over all message I was told to portray. I apologize if I am coming off as pedantic, but it causes me a great deal of stress when I work tirelessly creating ad campaigns and social programs to boost our image, and time and time again I am seemingly sabotaged by your latest cannibal blood orgy, or whatever it is that the boys downstairs are cooking up. If possible I would like to request a board meeting in order to clear some things up. I simply feel as if we are not on the same page.
From: John Shadowpants
To: R & D
Subject: Freaking Really?
Medical Herbs (TM)? MEDICAL HERBS (TM)? Whose bright idea was it to name our new product this? We couldn’t invoke the idea of marijuana any more if we had them endorsed by High Times. How about we name it something that does not immediately invoke being hot boxed in a doctors office? Oh and whoever found out crushing them and mixing different strains together was genius. What’s next? Snorting them?
PS. Your whole department has a mandatory drug test Thursday.
This contest was very tough to judge, so feel free to eviscerate me in the comments (I still have some herbs left). Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered, and thanks especially to Resident Evil: Damnation for sponsoring the contest! If you didn’t win, consider checking it out anyways — it’s supposed to be pretty good. And is probably better than Resident Evil 6, if nothing else.