Believe it or not, but when I tell you guys to imagine the best/worst/insanest moments from the actually-upcoming Star Wars Episode VII, you guys do not skimp on the entries. So rather than have a big intro, let me just say thanks to Arcane Movie Tees for sponsoring this weekend’s contest! If by some chance you did not win, you should probably know that Arcane is offering every Topless Roboteer a free 20% discount code on all their products! Just enter tr20 at the coupon code to receive massive savings on all their fine wares and products! But you’re allowed to see who won first. I guess.
THE PHANTOM MENTIONS:
Turns out they were “Mickeyclorians” all along and we were just hearing it wrong.
? You know that cringe inducing bit at the end of Ep3 with the CGI Peter Cushing? That, but Alec Guinness.
? “Only one man can save the New Republic now. Send a transmission to Starship Earth…summon for us Captain Eo.”
? Someone kisses Chewbacca and he turns into Colin Firth.
? Jack Skellington steals Life Day.
Chewie expands his vocal repetoire to include “AAAAAAAHOOOHOOOHOOWEEEE!”
? New Slave outfit, long skirt and sweater.
? Song :”It’s a small galaxy after all” and then it gets stuck in your head.
? This is a Nice Saber. It is the time out device of the Jedi.
? The plot of three ewoks who are accidently left behind in a move and they travel through the galaxy to get back to their parents.
? A character frozen in carbonite wearing Mickey Mouse Ears.
? Star Wars Episode VII: Escape from Sith Mountain.
? Traditional Wilhelm scream replaced by Goofy’s Ya-hoo-hoo-hoey scream.
2000 years after “ROTJ” the Sith and Jedi have both grown but realize that conflict only weakens their connection to the Force. Thus, they enter into a shaky truce, a Force Council made up of 12 represenatives from both sides. When an attack on the Republic occurs, the Jedi and Sith accuse each other. A Jedi Master and a Sith Assassian are forced into an unlikely partnership to discover a dark evil from beyond the Outer Rim is setting up both sides in order to spread chaos for thier invasion. These two mismatched partners must work together to stop it before it’s too late. Episode VII: Balance of the Force
BEST: Mark Hamill, as an older Luke Skywalker, turns to his Padawan and says “I’m getting to old for this Sith.”
Harrison Ford is forced to reprise his role as Han Solo due to an old unearthed section of his contract. This goes about as well as expected.
Worst moment: “Kids love lightsabers, and that two-blade one the demon guy had was really popular. So let’s make a THREE-blade lightsaber!”- Disney marketing guy
A Sith Lord walks into frame. He is carrying a Y-shaped lightsaber. He powers it on–
Sith Lord falls over, the third blade instantly impaling him on his own saber. The U.S. Product Safety Commission forces a recall of all extendo-blade Y-shaped lightsabers, as children knock their own retinas out, swinging them wildly in their backyards. The USPC’s report calls the Y-shaped sabers “The worst threat to children since lawn darts.”
Naturally, they become coveted collector’s items in the wake of the recall, return, and destruction of thousands of treasured childhood toys.
Best moment: Something from the SW-EU gets included in the movies, and doesn’t entirely suck. Probably something like Grey Jedi or other Hutts.
Anakin is dreaming. He sees a cute stuffed Gungan doll and a blue pointy hat.
He puts on the hat and the Gungan doll expands to full size and comes to life. It says “Meesa Jar-Jar and me want to give you a hug!”.
Anakin tries to remove the hat, but it is stuck. Anakin raises his light saber and cuts Jar-Jar in half.
Each half forms a new Jar-Jar. Cue the ‘Sorceror’s Apprentice’ music.
Anakin swings and decapitates, slices in half, and hacks up Jar-Jars, only to find each piece reforms into a full-sized Jar-Jar, each of them screaming “Meesa Jar-Jar and me wanna give you a hug!”
As the music ends, Anakin wakes up. We see Darth Vader aboard the Death Star. Jar-Jar’s head is mounted on the wall above his bed. He reaches for the intercom and says “Set course for Naboo and charge the main cannon”.
10 Revisions for Star Wars VII (Internal Disney Memo)
1. All Hutts will replace ‘slave’ costumes with ‘Disney Princess’ gowns
2. “Lightspeed” will be renamed “FastPass”
3. “The Force” will be revealed as the magical power released when you wish upon a star.
4. Future Jedi Instructor puppets will be repurposed from “It’s a Small World”.
5. Alan Mencken and Elton John will be hired to rework the Imperial March into a sultry production number for “Darth Malificent”.
6. In order to up ticket sales, the movie will be constructed of segments that can be stringed together in fifty-four different ways, guaranteeing a different movie each time you watch it.
7. The leader of the new Rebellion will be Captain Eo. Reuse costumes and footage as appropriate.
8. Prepare toy designs for new starships, including the Tomorrowland Rocket, Monorail, and PeopleMover. Consider buying Lego. Why should they get all the money?
9. Two words: Emperor Zurg
10. Install holographic projectors in the theaters, then at the end of the movie, project Jedi Ghosts into the seats and warn the audience about hitchhiking Jedi Masters.
Worst – the film is set after the novels, so it opens with a long Elton John and Phil Collins duet song recapping the whole novel series from “Heir to the Empire” to the present day.
? Best moments:An apparition of Bambi’s mom teaches thumper the ways of the force.
? Best Moments: Flynn comes across the entrance to Jabba’s palace, says “Thats a big door” Rob fangasms all over himself.
? Worst moments: Jafar’s third wish is to turn into the most powerful thing in the world, and is somehow transformed into a pod racer. Cut to credits.
? Best Moment: “A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away
? Worst Moment: The next three hours.
? Best Moment: When the director assures fans that he will only use CGI when it’s absolutely necessary.
? Worst Moment: When the opening shot pans across a goddamned CGI prarie dog
Worst: That month it comes out Marvel releases Star Wars themed variant covers. Cause you know that’s going to happen.
the most awesome part , for me at least was when The Adult Jedi Obi-Wan Skywalker first Deflected canon shots from a Star Destroyer then Crushed it into a ball using the Force. Having Mark Hamill do the voice over of “Do or Do not there is no try” as a Memory actually gave me shivers.
I’m choosing to be pretty optimistic about these movies – maybe to my doom, but what the heck. So:
The Worst – not hearing the 20th Century Fox Fanfare at the beginning of the film, with the little flourish that played over the Lucasfilm logo. You and I both know it will not be the same. It’ll sound weird, goddamnit.
The Best – I have no clue what is going on in the “expanded universe” and who is titled what now. Nor do I care. I know Han and Leia are married, had kids, whatever. Anyhoo – The New Republic has been attacked, elder states-person Leia Solo has been abducted, Han and Chewie left for dead in a massive and ornate thrown room. One of Han’s kids rouse their father and the wookie, and inform him of the chaos whereupon Han remarks that they have a few tricks up their sleeves yet. He triggers a remote device, and we see a ramp drop from the ceiling of the throne room. The stylized design above is actually the bottom of the Millennium Falcon, and we cut to an exterior shot as the Falcon blasts its way out of the top of the building and off into space.
Worst: Luke Skywalker is back on his farm on Tatooine. Suddenly, the Millennium Falcon comes crashing into the scene and slides to a halt at Luke’s feet. A door slowly opens, we see a shadow, the camera pans up, and it’s Jack Sparrow!!! “Time for a new adventure?”
? Continuing on with Disney’s failed dream to turn every ride into a movie, it is revealed that Star Wars part VII will actually be based on Star Tours. There will be a cameo made by Captain Rex and several unnecessary scenes of characters waiting in lines resembling the Star Tours line queue and departing star ships through gift shops.
? Disney’s penchant for sexualizing tweens continues as we are introduced to a new character, an attractive, inexplicably unpopular 15-year-old female padawaan that sings, cracks wise, and dresses in a disturbingly-accurate, real-life rendition of Ahsoka Tano’s midriff-barring crop top. Billy Ray Cyrus’s daughter, Noah, would be about the right age at the time of the film’s projected release, the perfect age to begin her own Disney Channel television series, leading to her own inevitable descent into trailer-trash whoredom (her show could even be called “Whore Mandalore”). Like Yoda said, “always two there are…”
Padawan: Master Skywalker I heard the other Jedi talking about Midichlorians, what are Midichlorians?
Luke Skywalker: Well Midicholrians are microscopic organisms that live in the cells of all living beings which were once believed to be the way in which Jedi communicated with and used the force.
? Worst (Best?): Luke Skywalker ends up having five boys and, when the youngest comes of age, he takes them all out back and, one by one, chops off their right hands with a lightsaber. They cry out, “Why, father, why?!” and Luke responds with “Tradition!”. The rest of the movie is Fiddler on the Roof in Space.
? Best: It is revealed that Mace Windu didn’t die after the Emperor defenestrated him. Instead, he used the force to slow his fall and landed in the dark, seedy Coruscant underbelly. The years spent there have changed him, turning him from the stuffy, boring jedi of the prequels into an unhinged, shouty Colonel Kurtzesque crime lord with a lightsaber.
? Worst: Disney learns the wrong lesson from the Star Trek reboot and introduces a minor Jedi character played by Tyler Perry, who shows up to explain how the Force is actually just Jesus.
? In attempting to rebuild the jedi, Luke discovers that the council funded most of its expenses by hiring out jedi to grocery stores owners to operate their automatic doors for them.
Worst: The ET aliens who got an easter egg cameo in Episode 1 are now an important race in Episode VII. They’re making expeditions to a distant galaxy. One of them gets stranded on a planet and the rest of them forget where he was left. All they can do is use their advanced Force powers to psychically search for him. The lost ET is using his Jedi powers to fly bikes and heal wounds. Eventually they land in the woods and pick him up. That’s right! The long time ago is now 1982 and ET is a subplot of Episode VII.
In a bold and stunning move, Disney hires George R. R. Martin as story editor and script writer. Martin’s favorite themes of betrayal, incest, and dark magic brings forth a hard “R” rated Star Wars that appeals to fans disillusioned by the prequels.
Martin dies before completing the second script. (Rest in peace.)
Disney panics and hands the job to the creative team from “Lost.” The resulting movie is blamed for several suicide attempts among Star wars fans.
Best moment: When the audience realizes that the movie has ended without any character uttering the line “How Rude!”
Worst moment: “I have a bad feeling about this” comes out of someone’s mouth every eight minutes.
Worst case scenario: The entire thing was a dream some little child had. It will represent the subconscious desire we have to explore and break away from home and all that jazz.
Best case scenario: Pete becomes a Sith Lord.
Worst- following the trend of using famous musicians like Phil Collins and Elton John to write the music for their films, Episode VII features songs by former Mouseketeers Christina Aguilera and Brittany Spears
Best Moment : Ahsoka Tano isn’t dead and avenges her old master – OUR NEW SITH LORD
? Best #1: The wordless sequence at the beginning that depicts the de-commisssioning of the massive clone army as well as a glimpse of their re-integration into the galaxy’s various societies, with equally various degrees of success
? Worst#1: The reveal that the plot revolves around imperial holdouts trying to construct a new death star which features two large satellite lasers mounted toward its north pole
? Best#2 : The understated instrumental rendition of “Under the Sea” used at Admiral Ackbar’s state funeral
? Worst#2: The post-funeral conversation where his planet’s leadership goes on to explain how his remains will be kept in an archive that is only opened to the public for brief periods once per decade or so, and how the opening of that archive has become a kind of informal holiday among their people, who of course cherish the mystique it creates and will become hostile to anyone who even suggests that the archive remain open for even a little bit longer to accommodate those that won’t have the opportunity to take advantage of it.
? A robot who wants to be a real Jedi.
? Sentient talking lightsabers.
The Midichlorians will now be a pair of wacky ghost bugs voiced by Eddie Murphy and Robin Williams.
Worst- The subtle introduction of the Black Hole franchise as V.I.N.CENT and B.O.B. interact with Artoo.
Even worse than that- As the new Sith Lord emerges from the blaze of some wreckage that proved a point, she is followed by Maximilian, with Dr. Hans Reinhardt following in a toady fashion, yet with a scheme in his eyes and a condescending sneer at his mistresses’ back.
Best Part: In a cross-promotion, Rocket Raccoon & Groot become the new gods of Endor…and then command their people to drop all the “yub nub” bullcrap & actually become a race of kickass warriors.
Worst Part: The Mos Eisley Cantina Band is replaced with an all-Gungan performance of “Song of the South”.
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Unleashed
See the popular game series adapted to film by renowned writer/director Paul W. S. Anderson!
*cue trailer consisting of Starkiller doing his typical Mary Sue bullshit (with gratuitous slow motion and ramping of course) to A Perfect Circle’s “The Outsider”*
best – darkside zombie ewoks
Other Best Scene-“Come in to the Dark”-the Emperor’s villain song.
The Best: The frantic Ice cream maker carrying guy on Bespin finally gets to make ice cream for all.
The Worst: It’s Ugnaught ripple.
jar jar is shown to be an ancient ancestor of goofy
? Worst: Michael Bay is hired to direct and has the movie feature a “Super Death Star” which consists of a long tubular super laser with two traditional spherical Death Stars connected below it.
? Worst Scene: Han voluntarily freezes himself in carbonite to survive a Death Star blast hitting a planet he’s on and it works.
Best: There’s an extended montage of the Empire constantly trying to build Death Stars and Wedge flying in and blowing them up.
? Best: Admiral Ackbar – “It’s a Parent Trap!”
? Best: Chewbacca gets a girlfriend and they re-enact the spaghetti eating scene from “Lady and the Tramp”.
Worst: The phrase “I’ve got a bad feeling about this…” will be replaced with “Garsh! *Hyu*Hyuck*”
Scene: A group of younglings have been assembled against their wills. They wear hats off of which hang big floppy reptilian ears. Through fake smiles they sing:
J – A – R (Are you the worst thing ever?)
J – A – R (Are you stepping in poop?)
Best: Han loses the Millennium Falcon to rival smuggler Peter Dinklage who throws in with grizzled Empire veteran turned mechanic Nick Offerman and Twi’lek assasian Gina Carano to bring some much deserved retribution to the Hutts.
Worst: The moment when Jake Walker ( most likely to be clarke duke) a geeky high-school student (on present day earth), who constantly gets dicked on by bullies, finds out from father that he is in fact a Jedi and comes from one of the strongest lineages in the history of the universe. He must now travel to a galaxy far far away to help the New Jedi Order in its fight against the most powerful Sith lord ever ( extremely likely to be James Woods)
Nicolas Cage as Grand Admiral Thrawn. I leave it to the readers to discern whether it is the best or worst thing to happen.
The best: My needs are simple, Luke crushes an AT-AT with the force.
C3P0s tragic turn to the Dark Side
“OoohhChaka Rumbly Tumbly Solo”
Worst: The entire movie is simply John Carter, but with Lightsabers awkwardly CGI’d over the swords and all instances of “Barsoom” replaced with Microsoft Narrator saying “Tatooine”.
Worst: As Disney (which owns Star Wars) and Paramount Pictures (which distributed theTransformers movies) are both owned by Viacom, there is now the barest legal possibility for “Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh” to be turned into a movie.
…meaning there could be an Optimus Prime Anal Funhouse in Disney World 2015!
AND NOW FOR THE WINNAHS!
Worst: They find Earth.
I can’t begin to describe the chills that ran down my spine when I read this entry. It was negate the awesomeness of the entire Star Wars universe far more completely than the prequels ever did. Thunder31, you are a bad, bad man with much evil in your heart. Good job.
Best: Bucking the trend from the prequels, a lightsaber isn’t as much as ignited for the first 90 minutes, and when they do come out, the fights are short, advance the plot, and the combatants actually try to kill each other, not engage in choreographed dance.
I figured I had to have at least one “Best” entry, and my criterion ended up being, “If I could send one suggestion to the people making the movie, what would it be?” NateRiver08’s was it.
“That’s no moon. It’s a small, small world.”
I believe this stands on its own, don’t you think?
And that’s that! Much, much thanks to Arcane Movie Tees for sponsoring the contest! Don’t forget to check out their shirts and hoodies, and especially don’t forget about that 20% off discount (tr20) they so kindly offered!
Now, although this is my last week — and Friday will feature my last post — I’ll still have a contest this week. How? Not telling. Suffice it to say if you have not won a Topless Robot t-shirt yet, you definitely want to stop by. Unfortunately, I can’t give them out to everyone — I wish I could — but I assure you your odds have never been greater.