Movies, Toys

Let the Transformers 4 Cavalcade of Disappointment and Horror Begin

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From Entertainment Weekly:

Michael Bay has officially confirmed that the star of Transformers 4 will be Mark Wahlberg, who worked with the director on his upcoming crime tale Pain and Gain.
The Transformers sequel, planned to debut June 27, 2014, also has a sleek new logo based on the Decepticon insignia.
“Mark is awesome. We had a blast working on Pain and Gain and I’m so fired up to be back working with him. An actor of his caliber is the perfect guy to re-invigorate the franchise and carry on the Transformers’ legacy,” said Bay.
Last week, the director denied rumors that he was looking to have Wahlberg take over the blockbuster robot franchise from Shia Labeouf, and said he was considering him for another film — not in the Transformers franchise.
Then he followed up on his website, saying … maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea after all: “Let’s say some ideas are gaining traction with me and my writer – so I’m here to say thanks internet chatter.”
Fuck you, internet chatter. Assholes. Look, I don’t hate Mark Wahlberg. I even think he can act sometimes, given a decent role (usually a supporting one) and the right director. He was fantastic in The Departed, Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees, and Boogie Nights (which he technically was the leading man of, but his character was supposed to be a shallow, not-overly-bright dude with a huge cock, which played to his strengths). But please take a look at what results when Mark Wahlberg is asked for be leading man in a summer action movie:
? Planet of the Apes
? Max Payne 
? The Happening
? The Shooter
? The Truth About Charlie
? PLANET OF THE FUCKING APES
And none of these movies where directed by Michael Bay! These were all directed by people who don’t think story is a dirty work, and who think character development is getting better at shooting a gun! What I’m saying is that Michael Bay could have hired a cardboard cut-out of Wahlberg, and he’s probably going to get the same performance — and still be completely thrilled with it. All I know is if Wahlberg has romantic tension with a female Transformers, someone’s gots to die.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.