Nine Questions I Have about the Blu-ray of The Room

If there’s one thing Rob and I do have in common, its our shared love of misshapen, muscular mutants, as evinced by our fandom of both Masters of the Universe and Tommy Wiseau. So the idea of my favorite cinematic disasterpiece, The Room, coming out on Blu-ray, is culturally significant. But like everything else about Tommy, it’s shrouded in a swirling mist of mystery, awkward PR and an apparent lack of competence that may in fact be genius. So here are my questions, based on what’s out there right now.

Greg “Sestosterone” Sestero
Oh hai seizure-face

9. What’s up with that new cover picture? The original poster for The Room was strange enough, with a lazy-eyed Wiseau tinted green and looking like a Frankenstein monster. This seemingly official Blu-ray cover, revealed by actor Greg Sestero on his Facebook fan page, captures a facial expression that’s baffling in both intent – what would induce even the weird Wiseau to make such a face? – and execution – he never makes that face in the movie that I recall (and I’ve seen it like 20 times), so he had to actually take a new photo of himself making that expression. Like every directorial choice he made, this is a confusing call.

You think about everything, haha…except how to smile.

8. Is it actually for sale on Amazon? There’s a listing for it, but no picture, and it’s supposed to be available starting nine days from now. Considering there’s a whole bunch of new crap to buy at The Room‘s official site, including footballs, basketballs, a green gym bag and a plush dog wearing a tuxedo, you’d think one press image of the alleged Blu-ray might be available.

Keep the change hi Doggie thanks bye

7. What’s up with the price? If the Amazon thing is for real, then so is the price tag of $35.99. Considering that the DVD is only $13.99, and the “additional special features” – behind the scenes footage, scene selection, trailers, deleted scenes, photo gallery and interviews – sound exactly the same, that’s a rip-off, particularly for a movie that’s best experienced live anyway. Now, if it had commentaries, especially any involving Tommy, no price would be too high to pay. Oh hai price!

Don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.

6. Did Tommy himself write the product description? “It is the first Blu-ray format in the world.” So, yes, I’d say it’s highly likely he constructed that sentence.

5. Were you dying for the Blu-ray equivalent of his insane decision to shoot the movie on two cameras simultaneously? Well, you got it anyway, apparently. The Blu-ray’s biggest special feature “will feature the first ever option of Combination Languages (CL) Combo Languages in which you can view multiple subtitles on screen simultaneously.” English, French, Spanish, Italian and German will be available. Sadly, no alternate audio in Tommy’s native language, whatever that is.

Denny, those drugs are making you blurry

4. Since half the shots in the movie are out of focus, will high-definition make any difference? The out-of-focusness will be clearer…oh wait, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if all this is is a transfer from the DVD. Tommy knows at this point that we fans will buy any piece of junk he puts out there. Even “Homeless in America,” his documentary short that none of my DVD players will process properly.

He is my rose

3. If the high-definition is pronounced, do I really want a sharper look at his oddly textured naked body? On the advice of counsel, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights and decline to answer.

You are tearing me apart, 3D

2. Whatever happened to the 3-D conversion that was supposedly happening? The same thing that’s happened to his film career since The Room, probably – a lot of hype and then nothing.

We’re expecting…a Blu-ray. Where is it?

1. Does this Blu-ray genuinely, in actual fact exist? Because I still have no fucking clue.

But here’s a fun little in-joke Juliette Danielle made as a holiday gift to Room fans.