James Bond FAQ Contest…Winners?

Here are some of the things I learned from the James Bond contest entries, in which I asked you to envision the next Bond reboot.

1. A significant percentage of you want Christoph Waltz to be a Bond villain.

2. An even-more significant percentage of you would like to see one or more prominent Doctor Who cast members in a Bond film.

3. My contests are frequently being entered by people who don’t have commenting accounts or usernames to match Twitter handles, leaving me NO WAY TO CONTACT THEM.

So I’m going to try this: I will post my three faves below. If I don’t hear from them by the end of today via email (use the “send tips” link on the right side of the main page), we’ll move on to the next three. I can see I’m going to have to be a lot more specific about this aspect in the future.

Magik8Baul had a pitch that I’ve heard (and even imagined) variants of before; I chose it in part because I actually want to see it happen, this Alan Moore-esque attempt to retcon and reconcile everything.

“Forget Me Not”

In the opening scene, James Bond (Daniel Craig) is investigating a rumor that SPECTRE has returned, long thought to have been dissolved, with the death of Blofeld. He reaches the top floor of what is assumed to be their headquarters, however the information led Bond directly into a trap. A dozen heavily armed men surround him, and open fire. James Bond is dead, just before the title song begins, a man in the shadows throws a rose onto Bond’s body and says “Forget Me Not.”

MI-6 struggles to replace Bond in a timely fashion, what is revealed through the course of the movie is that “James Bond” is a title, but in an unexpected way. When MI-6 has no more use for the current Bond, they erase their memories, and plop them somewhere to live out the rest of their lives. Each subsequent Bond is given the memories of each previous Bond, so it seems, to them, that they are the same person from the 60s to today. The 5 other men to have held the title of Bond (Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, and Pierce Bronson) are behind the reemergence of SPECTRE, and all of them have at least partially recalled their former lives as the worlds greatest spy, and are understandably furious with MI-6 and the government that allowed them to be so easily disposed of.

M (Ralph Fiennes) finally selects a suitable James Bond number 7 (Christian Bale). During the memory implantation, the power to MI-6 is suddenly cut off, resulting in Bond #7 with only partial memory of the 50+ years the project has been around, believing it is the 1980’s. M decides to go with it and bring Q (John Cleese) out of retirement, to help A. Fix the memory machine and B. To give Bond a recognizable face to look at.

The new SPECTRE sends out a beautiful assassin ?ena Hr?chu (Mila Kunis) to finish off this new Bond, and destroy the memory implantation machine once and for all, so that they can take what they feel the world owes them for their mistreatment.

Ja22 had my favorite of the all-out comedic takes:

Live and let Pie

Tagline: Rising to the occasion. It’s the yeast he can do.

Jamie Oliver as Bond

Kelly Choi as Cookie Do

Gordon Ramsay as M

Wolfgang Puck as General Francisco Stromboli

Alton Brown as Q (Yeah he’s not British but he won a James Beard award and… Close enough)

General Stromboli is planning to unleash a weapon which, when fired, will cause every souffl? to fall. And just in time for the British souffl? awards. Pure evil. There’s only one man who can stop him.

Bond: (After beating a minion to death with a leg of beef) “It was nice to meat you.”

Bond: (Before activating the explosives smuggled into the enemy lair in a birthday pie) “Let them eat cake.”

And between smart and silly was the smartass. filmphilosophy69, I see what you did there:

Bond: Christian Bale

M: Michael Caine

Q: Morgan Freeman

The villian: Tom Hardy.

Female lead: Anne Hataway

Title: The Dark knight Rises

One liner: I’m Batman!

If you weren’t one of these three, hang in there; odds are better than average that at least one of them will not have contacted me by day’s end.

Keep checking back on this post.