A while back, we discussed the many times pro wrestling has attempted to blend in with the mainstream, and failed miserably in the process. Well, either Vince McMahon never read the article (slacker) or he DID read it, and was somehow inspired to cross-promote even more, thinking the law of averages has to be on his side by now.
How else to explain WWE crawling into bed with Hanna-Barbera all of a sudden? A few months ago, they announced a new Scooby-Doo movie centered around a haunted WrestleMania (Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair are main-eventing again?) and now they’ve unveiled the follow-up: The Flintstones. With wrestlers. All because The Rock called John Cena a “fruity pebble” one time. Thanks a bunch, DWAYNE.
So now we get to deal with Cena meeting Fred and Barney, and presumably beating their asses at bowling because he’s the awesomest at everything in the history of history. But why stop there? Tons of cartoons are ripe for an Invasion Of The Bodyslammers. All Vince needs is a semi-plausible angle to explain why they’re there.
Barring that, he could just steal our nifty ideas for future WWE-cartoon crossovers. Feel free to do so; all we ask for in exchange is a spot on the next pay-per-view where we beat up Brock Lesnar, pin him in 90 seconds, and make him weep like a baby. Also, a private weekend with the Diva of our choice. But only one. We’re not unreasonable or anything.
8. The Smurfs
Hey, we’ve already got two Hanna-Barbera shows that McMahon should’ve left alone, so why not make it a third? Smurfs and wrestlers together might sound like a bad idea, but so was making a CGI Smurfs movie. And they’ve done that TWICE. So clearly, an idea being “horrible” is not a deterrent.
How to set it up? Pretty simple, really. Gargamel invents a shrinking potion to make him small, thinking if he’s the size of the Smurfs, he might be able to find their village easier. Did he already do that? It sounds like something he might do. Oh well, he can do it again. Better than coming up with an entirely new scheme that inevitably dies a slow, painful death.
Naturally, he leaves the potion behind, and it’s discovered by a traveling band of wrestlers. They drink it, because how could a random boiling beverage in a dirty beaker possibly be bad? This shrinks them down, they are soon discovered by the Smurfs, and everybody just has the wackiest day imaginable. Probably all the male wrestlers will fall for Smurfette, because it’s not like they work with impossibly gorgeous women every day or anything. Also, Grandpa Smurf will beat up a lower-card talent, because that’s exactly the kind of positive exposure one needs to make it in the rasslin’ business.
The unrated Director’s Cut could feature Hornswoggle, extra-extra small due to being a little person shrunk down to Smurf-level, getting squashed like a bug. Doesn’t matter who does it, as long as it’s squishy and icky and the camera stays on it for a real long time.
7. Speed Racer
Wrestling’s huge in Japan, so a wrestler-anime crossover would make perfect sense. But why Speed Racer and not a newer, better anime? Because it’s Vince McMahon, the same guy who nixed a pirate gimmick a few years ago because he hadn’t heard of Pirates Of The Caribbean. He’s infamously behind the times. Jokes based around memes and topical events won’t make it to TV until months after everyone else stopped caring about them. No way he has any inkling of Neon Genesis Evangeleon or Ghost In the Shell. Sadly, WWE Speed Racer is the best anime fans can hope for.
Especially since, when it comes to Japan, McMahon is more than a little racist. For years, every wrestler from Japan was billed as simply being “from Japan,” as if the whole thing’s one big mysterious town. Most of them were martial artists, spoke little to no English and virtually all of them used this as their entrance theme:
So if they ever do a Speed Racer/WWE crossover, expect to see all the Japanese wrestlers come together and do every stereotypical Japanese thing imaginable. Throwing salt into Speed Racer’s eyes. Roundhouse-kicking Racer X in the throat. And, of course, speaking horribly-dubbed Engrish with their mouths not even close to matching the words. Hey, why not? They did it on TV already, so doing it in the cartoons is the natural next step:
Nothing like a little casual prejudice in your hackneyed children’s entertainment. Indeed.
WWE Rugrats would finally answer that age-old question, “If wrestlers were babies, but still looked like wrestlers, and could secretly talk, what would they say?” More than likely, it would be exactly what they say on TV, only in a higher-pitched voice.
The Rugrats are set up on a playdate with the new kids down the street; because the sight of a bunch of tanned, muscular, trash-talking babies does not bother the parents in the least. Even the ones with tattoos and beards don’t catch their eye, because one baby is just as good as another when you’re an abject moron.
The show would involve the wrestlers teaching the Rugrats their particular brand of mischief, which would pretty much boil down to “hit things with chairs, over and over again.” Remember, babies in the Rugrats universe could talk, but they weren’t secret geniuses; they still acted and thought like actual toddlers. So if you take angry meathead wrestlers and turn THEM into wee ones, then naturally their solution to every problem will be “hit thing with chair, then hit it some more.”
Even if you stick Damien Sandow (The World’s Smartest Wrestler) in there, his intelligence would likely be reduced to that of a slightly above-average infant, the kind who learned to stop throwing his food on the floor several weeks before everybody else.
It’ll be worth it though, if they let him keep his Beard Of Scholarly Masterhood.
And the best part of this show? The wrestlers will finally have a legit excuse to overdo it on the baby oil.
5. Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends
First off, remember how we said Vince McMahon’s behind the times? Chances are he’s never heard of Fosters, and won’t for at least another 20 years. So getting this show greenlit would involve going behind Vince’s back, and hoping he never notices.
Considering this show is about a retirement home for imaginary friends nobody cares about anymore, this would pose a slight challenge as a crossover. Mainly since you couldn’t use any current stars. After all, that would imply they’re old and nobody cares about them, and nobody wants to say that, even if it’s true.
But there are plenty of retired, forgotten old-timers who would be perfect for this. We don’t mean legends like Bret Hart or Shawn Michaels, we mean forgotten. Nailz the angry ex-convict, anyone? He hasn’t been seen in almost 20 years, probably because punching Vince McMahon’s lights out in the locker room is not the best way to ensure future work in the company.
Maybe Phantasio, the wrestling magician who showed up one week and then magically disappeared the next? His finishing movie was “magically” pulling out his opponent’s underwear. Foster’s is a kid’s show, right? Kids love underwear jokes.
Or how about Muffy, Stephanie McMahon’s personal trainer? She was fired after maybe two weeks, once somebody realized that Stephanie needing a trainer would imply that she was fat. No, we’re not making that up; this is how wrestling people think.
How many more discarded and forgotten wrestlers are out there? About 900 trillion? This show could go on forever.
4. Dr. Katz
If wrestlers were real people, they would be suffering from all kinds of mental and emotional deficiencies. Schizophrenia, bipolar, co-dependency, multiple personalities, delusions of grandeur, antisocial behavior – and those are the good guys.
So it makes perfect sense to stick these clowns on a therapist’s couch and let them air their grievances. And who better to somewhat listen than Dr. Katz? It would be the ultimate test of Katz’ sanity too. After the third or fourth wrestler comes in and relays how, in the past year, they’ve been betrayed by a dozen of their closest friends, been handcuffed and beaten in front of their own mother, and watched their girlfriend get thrown from the top of a steel cage, you’ll be watching to see if Katz himself jumps out a window.
Still, though, if the cross-over were done today, with everybody playing “realistic” characters, it might not be too over the top. Imagine a therapy session with wrestlers from the late ’80s:
“Well Doc, I used to be a big tough biker, until my jive-talkin’ black pimp of a manager convinced me that I was African, even though I’m actually whiter than the Country Music Awards. I listened, and so I became a jive-talkin’ black man, even though I’m still very much white. I wear blue pajamas and a yellow muumuu to the ring, dance like I have a moderately-annoying itch on my back, and everybody’s laughing at me. Am I crazy, Doc?”
Every last bit of that actually happened, by the way.
3. Gerald McBoing-Boing
You thought Scooby-Doo was an old-ass show? WWE could easily go older. Gerald McBoing Boing, for those of you who weren’t alive in the ’40s, was the story of a little boy who spoke only in sound effects. Despite this being a, well, strange condition that probably needed to be looked into by professionals, his parents largely just took it in stride; no back talk, at the very least.
This is another golden opportunity for WWE to utilize older talent, particularly of the brainless mute variety. Today, virtually all wrestlers are expected to talk for themselves, even if they suck at it. Back in the day though, wrestlers who couldn’t talk had managers to do it for them. This led to a bunch of characters who only communicated in grunts, groans, and yells, and having them hang around Gerald would work perfectly. They could all play together, “talk” to each other through various blurts of sound, and make everybody uneasy about a 5-year-old boy frolicking in the sandbox with a fat, bald, shirtless 40-year-old covered head-to-toe in body hair.
Well, maybe not the head.
The list of guest stars wouldn’t end there. Wouldn’t it be just precious to see a toddler play with The Missing Link, a savage wrestler who was literally the missing link between monkeys and humans? His tongue was green, kids love funny-colored tongues – it’s a natural fit. In fact, just make the whole show about him, and watch the ratings explode. It’ll be the next step in television evolution.
2. The Beatles
Yes, the Beatles had a cartoon; so did The Jackson Five. And New Kids On the Block. And The Osmonds. And MC Hammer. That’s how pop music worked for a long time – get popular enough, have a cheesy cartoon made about you.
For the purposes of this article though, we’re sticking with the Beatles, because they were the first ones we thought about. Each show in the Beatles cartoon was based around one of their songs, and it should be very easy to incorporate wrestlers into these things as well. What, you thought the Beatles were singing about drugs and girls and politics and giant whiskery sea mammals? Hell no; 100% of their words were inspired by roided-up meatheads who weren’t even born yet. Doi.
Every episode, a different wrestler is shoehorned into being the subject of the song’s lyrics. “Nowhere Man” could be any guy who’s been there for years and never advanced past the second match on a nothing pay-per-view. The walrus in “I Am The Walrus” could be played by any fat wrestler who wins matches purely because they’re big and fat. They always have a few of those hanging around.
Yes, that’s a wrestling tax accountant. We’re fairly certain if he weren’t cast in this role, Obama would step in and Executive Order McMahon’s ass until he did just that. Sometimes, “too easy” is the only way to go.
1. Beavis and Butt-head (and The Iron Sheik)
There is no way in the Universe that wrestlers are going to cross with cartoons without The Iron Sheik, the ultimate wrestling cartoon. It’s such a perfect fit that he would have to have his name in the title. No other wrestler could boast that, but that’s because no other wrestler is the Iron Sheik.
Now obviously, when you’re dealing with the Sheik, you can’t just place him in some G-rated bit of fluff and expect him to shine. Not that he wouldn’t try or anything; we just figure that, fifteen seconds after cussing out Rainbow Dash and threatening to make Fluttershy humble, the My Little Pony people would have him fired and possibly arrested, which is no fun for anybody.
So why not Beavis and Butt-head instead? You would need literally no plot; just the two boys, plus Sheik, sitting around the TV watching whatever crappy reality show is popular at the time:
“Uhhh, huh. Lookit that chick’s boobs. They’re like … boobs and … stuff … huhhuhhuh.”
“FAHK THE GIRL BOOBS THEY NO REAL SHEIKY BABY ONLY LIKE THE REAL BREAST BOOB, LIKE THE ONE CLINTON LADY HILLARY HAVE. NOW THAT IS REAL WOMAN THIS NOT REAL WOMAN THIS THE PLASTIC BARBIE HACK PTOO.”
“Heh, uh, shuddup Sheiky, we’re tryin’ ta watch the boobies. Heh, boobies.”
“GO FAHK YOURSELF SKINNY NO BRAIN BOY SHEIK NO SHUT UP FOR BOOBY JUST LIKE HE NO SHUT UP ABOUT HOLLYWOOD BLOND JABRONI HULK HOGAN FAHK A HULK JABRONI HOGAN THERE NO HULKAMANIA IF NO SHEIK HOGAN LIKE THE PLASTIC BARBIE BOOB BECAUSE HE FAKE BOOLSHEET LIKE THEM. IRAN NUMBA ONE.”
“Huhhuh, you said boob.”
Now picture that, episode after episode. You’d watch. We all would.