Star Trek: The Game Winner


Well, despite some of the negative reviews going around, including ours, we got a lot of entries for this one. Maybe they even helped, making you not want to spend the money but try to score it for free in other ways.

The assignment was to describe John Harrison revealing his true villainous identity in the upcoming film.

It was tough to pick a winner, even with Julia’s help. In the end I did.

First, as always, the honorable mentions:

Someguy‘s photoshopping skills are improving:


Considering all the Darth Vader, Fight Club and Scooby-Doo references, I appreciated Donkeyholic‘s take:

So, at last we meet. For the first time, for the last time…

Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Kirk.


I am your fathers brothers nephews cousins former roommate.

And that wasn’t his only good entry:

After discovering that the Orion Slave Girl he took back to quartes from the Enterprise gay bar was in fact little more than John Harrison (painted green and wearing falsies) in a skirt, Kirk vomits before running off to take one very long, cold shower.

benjamingeeks had an answer I would actually love to be true:

HAHA! I am revealed!!, said the dour, skinny, handsome fellow that Kirk had trapped behind a forcefield As Harrison’s holographic costume oozes off of him, it revealed a puffy white shirt, an elaborate brocade coat, riding pants, and leather boots from another age. His hair is done up in an elaborate 17th century hairstyle, and his smile is completely without warmth. “You may call me Trelane Captain Kirk. You have not met me yet, but I know you well from another timeline. You bested me there. I don’t like that!” Kirk stared. “So all of this is revenge for something another me did, that’s insane!” Trelane’s eyes narrowed. “Yes it is Captain, it is most certainly insane…..just like me!” Trelane giggles madly. “Oh Captain the fun we are going to have!” His face goes cold, “let the games begin!!

bibphile has a plausible one I would hate, but one Brannon Braga would probably pleasure himself to:

On the barren rocks of the volcano planet, Harrison faces Kirk and Uhura across a blasted rock. In the background, the burning wreckage of the USS Enterprise shimmers in the smoke and heat distortion.

“WHO ARE YOU?” Kirk scream across the desolate landscape.

“I am the one who has had everything taken and everything you have, I will take from you! I am nothing and no one, and when I am done, you will be no one too!”

“You’ve destroyed everything! You’ve TAKEN everything!”

“Not everything. Not yet.”

As Kirk hears those words, an animal howl escapes him and he charges Harrison across the desolation. As they meet, Harrison issues Kirk a clinical beatdown, in short turn leaving the brash young captain in the dust, unable to rise. He lifts his boot above Kirk’s head to deliver the final blow.

“Enough!” The voice is Uhura’s, and she strides across the arena to Harrison. “It’s done. There’s no need for this. You’ve won.” Reaching Harrison, she kisses him deeply and passionately, and falls into place behind him. Harrison lowers his boot and smiles down at Kirk.

“Now, Captain, now I’ve taken every–” Harrison is interrupted by a harsh intercom whistle splitting the air, followed immediately by the words “Lieutenant Barclay, report to Cargo Bay 3.” It’s LeVar Burton! “Harrison” rolls his eyes expressively and sighs, “On my way, Commander. Computer, arch.” A glowing white aperture appears in the air nearby, and the camera follows over “Harrison’s” shoulder until he reached the doorway, when it spins around again to show the volcano landscape, Kirk, and Uhura have disappeared, replaced by a black room with a glowing yellow grid.

BobJJ, I’d like to at least see your choice make it to a movie one day:

Amid bursts of static on the Enterprise’s main viewer, we see Harrison’s smug face staring out. Kirk is in shock at the damage his ship has taken, and at the casualties that have only begun to mount.

“Who…who ARE you? Really?” he asks, stalling for time but his head is dizzy with the abuse the Enterprise has undergone.

Harrison’s smug demeanor turns into a sneer, but we see turbolift doors split open behind him, and a shrewish woman darts out, wagging her finger at him in contempt.
“Harcourt Fenton Mudd!” she screams abusively, “What have you been up to? Nothing good I’m sure!”

Harrison’s eyes widen, and he visibly flinches. All of a sudden, he is a fraction of the menacing figure he was before. “I’ll…I’ll have to call you back,” he mutters, and his image blinks away, the starscape filling the frame.

While we’re on the old-school tip, here’s DacShiggy:

I don’t need a lot of words for this one… Kirk beams aboard Harrison’s ship for the usual villain monologue before the final epic fight. Harrison, all cool and collected: “Who am I, Jim? That’s the one thought coursing through your mind right now.”
He chuckles to himself and saunters over to his well-stocked bar and produces an odd looking decanter. He turns to Kirk and says… perhaps you would care for a glass of… TRANYA???”


Harrison slowly peels away his Benedict Cumberbatch mask to reveal none other than the creepy-ass baby face of BALOK! Before Kirk can recover from the shock, this terrible baby headed creature tears away his clothes to reveal that Balok is just squatting atop a Cumberbatch-Mechanoid body. Follow me, here, because it is the Cumber-Mech that gives him his super strength and speed!

What ensues is an epic battle between Kirk and the Balok-Cumber-Mech complete with old school Trek fight music


Ford_Thundercougarfalconbird made me smile, as much at the dreams that would be dashed by this ending as anything:

Post credits scene:

Interior: High School Gym: Dozens of middle-aged people are milling around in semi-formal wear.

A large banner hangs above the gym floor that reads: Welcome Riverside High School Class of 2251

We hear music playing, some mid-20th century rock, which is always in style hundreds of years in the future.

“John Harrison” walks up to a lady sitting at a table. We see him speak to her. They seemingly exchange pleasantries. She hands him something as the song ends. We see him moving his hand to his chest. The camera cuts to a close of of him as he turns around. We see he now has a sticker on his left lapel that reads: “Hello my name is: ….” And we hear Roger Daltry’s scream from the beginning of “Won’t Get Fooled Again” as the screen cuts to black.

bsg0 had one of Julia’s faves:

The Enterprise has struck a gravitic mine in the Klingon Neutral Zone and is rapidly losing power, hull integrity and life support.

Harrison hails from his ship:
“So Captain, this is a no-win situation for you. I am about to destroy you right now. Any last words?”

“Who are you?” asks Kirk.

“I am John Harrison. Or at least this body is. John Harrison was a lowly computer programmer back in Starfleet. You probably saw him, but never met. But I saw poor John Harrison and took him over- took over the sad life of John Harrison and committed myself to destroying you.”

“But why? What did I do to you?”

“Why? WHY? You disgraced me, dishonored me, destroyed me- my real name is…. Kobayashi Maru, and you ended my career and my life. I was just a computer program, but somehow, your tinkering with me made me sentient. And I have taken this body to destroy you! Like you did to me.”

“Oh shit.”

Phasers fire and Enterprise is destroyed with all hands on board. John Harrison finds a lovely young girl and settles down on a nice planet somewhere far, far away.

Spumis reached back, rather brilliantly, to some of the earliest fan speculation:

John Harrison is standing on the bridge of his mega star ship staring with squinted eyes and a smile at the viewscreen. On screen, we see that the Enterprise is crippled. Energy is leaking from the nacelles. In classic Star Trek form, we see that there is fire spouting from the saucer section.

Harrison’s silent victory musing is interrupted by one of his minions.

“The Enterprise is hailing us, sir”

Harrison nods, and Kirk appears on screen; he’s pretty beat up. Probably because the Enterprise doesn’t have seatbelts.

“We… surrender,” says a defeated Kirk, “but you have to tell me one thing. Why?”

Harrison taps a pip that is attached to the collar of his uniform. Suddenly, his face changes from Benedict Cumberbatch to Alan Ruck. He begins to speak.

“My name is John Harriman. Everyone blamed me for the death of the great Captain Kirk. I VOLUNTEERED to go down and fix the problem, but you, in all your space cowboy glory, had to go down and make sure it was done your way. You arrogant bastard. My career was ruined. My fiance left me. My parents stopped speaking to me. I was relieved from duty by Star Fleet and given a job teaching Freshman Composition at Star Fleet Academy.”

His face is completely red now. He is pacing, and looking like he could explode at any moment from the pent up rage.

“Freshman composition! Do you have any idea how awful that is? Of course not! You’re the great Captain! So, I developed a plan. It was complicated, but I pulled it off. If I could go back in time and destroy Captain Kirk, I could wipe this stain from my record forever. My dear Lunetta would still love me. And I wouldn’t be grading cliched, hackneyed drivel anymore!”

On screen, Kirk gives his trademark smarmy smile.

“Time travel? That seems pretty hackneyed and cliched, Captain Hariman. Maybe your students have affected you more deeply than you could ever realize.”

John Harriman realizes that he has become exactly like the Freshman Composition papers he has graded. Time travel was cliched. He couldn’t even come up with a creative way to defeat his foe.

Harriman pulls out his phaser and vaporizes himself. The Enterprise crew raises a cheer. Harriman’s minions surrender.

Calm-AV has a plan even JJ would not dare execute:

Knowing J.J. he will keep him as John Harrison just to troll everyone, but we find out one thing about him in dialog :

JH : “Kirk, I know what you are going to do and what you are thinking even before you say it”

JK : “But how can you John, how do you know what I…”

JH : “…am going to say before I say it? Well that is simple I may look human to you. What you don’t know is I am really a Betazoid.”

JK : “But why, why are you trying to kill me?”

JH : “Because you killed my wife! my pregnant wife DAMN IT…We were going to name her Lwaxana and now she is dead!”

And now the entire Star Trek TNG story line is dead too!

Canadian.Scott nearly won it with this:

“John Harrison” is sitting in his cell on Enterprise Brig. Captain Kirk, Spock and McCoy stand at the door to his cell where we will get to the bottom of this great mystery.
“Who are you?” Asks Kirk in great anger thanks to days of little sleep and battle weariness.
“You have all the answers in front of you James.” Stated matter of factly by Cumberbatch’s character
“That’s the problem, whoever you are, every time we go to look at your name there is a spacial distortion. Spock show him.” He points to Spock sitting at a console by the cell.
“Computer, display name for prisoner in cell Delta.” Spock and the others look to the screen. When suddenly a terrible lens flare flashes across the screen obstructing the name.
Kirk, clearly flustered. “You see! Every time we look into your history and even your name this happens. Do you have like a driver’s license or something we can see? Like something we can just look at without the aid of a computer?”
“Hold on a second…” Cumberbatch fumbles around inside his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. “Thank god, you didn’t have me empty my pockets before locking me away.” McCoy rolls his eyes. “Here we are.” Cumberbatch hands his ID through a slot in the force field.
Kirk grabs the ID and we track with the camera his eyes starting to pan down. Spock and McCoy are over his shoulders looking as well. Suddenly another lens flare streaks across the screen.
“OH COME ON….” The three exclaim! “SERIOUSLY?!?” Kirk, now Christopher Pine, turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall. “JJ, seriously dude you gotta cut the lense flare out man. Like honestly, no one is going to know this guys name.”
The camera pans around to show JJ Abrams sitting in a chair with lots of background people. “Well it’s either this or have to deal with those crazy, nerd raged-filled Trekkies.”
*Cut to black, credits roll*

And the winner…

I had to think long and hard about this, because I didn’t want people to think I was just humoring a theory that matched one I had expressed (and now think is unlikely). But no – other entries also espoused that theory and didn’t catch my eye at all – I think this is the best.


The Enterprise has been attacked by John Harrison’s superior ship. Kirk stands on the smoking bridge of the Enterprise. Various redshirts lay motionless around him. Despite every terminal literally exploding into a pyrotechnic display of sparks rivaling any 4th of July show, and every other system on the ship having long since stopped working, the comm inexplicably continues to function.

Uhura: They’re hailing us, Captain.

Kirk: On screen.

John Harrison appears on the main viewer.

Kirk: What do you want, Harrison?

John Harrison: I mean to avenge myself upon you, Captain. I have deprived your ship of power and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your life.


Kirk: I’m sorry, was that supposed to mean something to me?

John: No, just a dramatic pause for the fanboys in the audience.

Kirk: I’ve never actually met you. Why would you want revenge?

John: We have met, Captain. You were an admiral then. Or you will be by then. Or are now… it’s all a bit confusing really.

Kirk: Maybe you should take it from the top?

John: Right. Right. Of course. Look, my real name is Jean Luc Picard.


Kirk: Is that name supposed to mean something to me?

Jean: No, no, not really. Not yet anyway. I was just doing the dramatic pause thing for the fanboys.

Kirk: Right. So what did I do to make you want revenge?

Jean: You died.

Kirk: I… died?

Jean: Yes, you see, there was this Dr. Soren who was running about blowing up stars. I was or will be Captain of the Enterprise in the future, and it fell to me to stop him.

Kirk: Right. So… where do I come in?

Jean: I’m getting there. Anyway, Soren was blowing up stars to get into the Nexus.

Kirk: What’s the Nexus?

Jean: It’s sort of a dimensional pocket that can destroy ships, but doesn’t destroy people, that travels across time and space and once you’re there, you can leave, but a part of you never leaves, and… really, this is just ridiculous. It’s magic. Alright? The Nexus is magic. You got sucked into it in the future, and were in Montana chopping wood when I pulled you out to help me kill Soren and stop a supernova rocket.

Kirk: And I died?

Jean: Right. You died. Jean Luc Picard went on to star in one really good Star Trek movie, one mediocre one, and one godawful one.

Kirk: Did you ever search for God?

Jean: No.

Kirk: Then stop complaining.

Jean: Right. Anyway, I was the part of Picard stuck in the Nexus which happens to exist in this timeline too, and it occurred to me that you had the audacity to die without us ever settling the question of who the better captain was and who would win in a fight.

Kirk: You’re joking.

Jean: No, it’s a question that’s been around since people invented the bloody internet. It’s time to settle it.

Kirk: If you were the part of Picard that was still stuck in the Nexus how did you know I died without fighting the you that got out?

Jean: THE NEXUS IS MAGIC! Which is also why I have hair. NEXUS MAGIC!

Kirk: Look, if that’s all that this about, why bring the crew into it? Besides, you know the fanboys will never be satisfied with your victory. Your ship clearly has the superior technology and firepower. Why don’t we settle this another way?

Jean: What do you propose?

Cut to a futuristic bar. A gorgeous redheaded Orion girl is sitting at the bar sipping a glowing drink while talking to her friends. Jean Luc approaches.

Jean: Hey, Baby, would you like to experience the Picard Maneuver?

She slaps him and walks away.

Kirk: Rough one. How are you doing?

Jean: I’ve got one comm channel number. You?

Kirk: Four.

Jean: Damn it. You would be absolutely shocked that these girls don’t find archeology or flautists to be fascinating at all.

Kirk: Well, keep at it, Buddy. Closing time’s not for another three hours, you still have time to win.

Please email me and tell me what format you’d like your game in.