Villain X T-Shirt Winners


We have three winners, who’ll get a Villain X shirt of their chosen design/style/size.

The assignment was to describe the most villainous act your mother ever punished you for…or never found out about. Some people tried WAAAAY too hard to make themselves sound psychotic, but that’s okay…I went through that phase too.

I might also add that if you’re going to make a Michael Bay/Transformers joke in a contest entry, you really have to try hard, as we’ve exhausted most of the good ones already.

The best provoked genuine responses in me and Julia, either laughter or horror, or both. But first, the honorable mentions.

chadwicktron brought up some religious nuttery I would never have even though of:

It’s not my mom but my aunt whom I lived under. I was playing my soundtrack to “Flash Gordon” (vinyl, of course) and my aunt told me not to play the satanic music in her house. To quote; ” They’re singing “Flash Gordon, savior of the universe”… but we both know there is only one savior!”

And now we know Canadian.Scott is a CRIMINAL!

This is the story of how I almost got away with the perfect crime. When I was a younger Canadian Scott, my friends and I decided that because the pool I was working at as a lifeguard was going to be shut down that we should go and break into it and steal the pool rules sign. We were all excited and in the haste to perform our act of thievery, my friend side swiped my car, scrapping the paint and damaging my driver side mirror. What was I going to do? I wasn’t going to bring the insurance company in to screw up me and my friend’s rate. So I did what I figured was the best. Lie and tell them that I was eating in a restaurant and some random person hit me. Even when I told my mom the story I made it dramatic and also explained how upset I was thinking she would think I was irresponsible, making sure to act visually upset. It was the perfect crime and no one was any wiser.

Flash forward to the day of my wedding. In order to get the couple to kiss, we had key words at the table and if you could tell us how they work into my wife and I then we would kiss (beats the glass clinking). One of the clues was Blue Steel (which for the record is our baseball team). But my friend who hit me that day, decided to state that Blue Steel was the colour of the paint of his truck that smashed into me when we were goofing around that fateful summer eve. I looked out from my head table to my mom who sat with her mouth wide open unable to comprehend the information. As a way to show revenge, my mother used her time during her speech to express the disappointment in me for insurance fraud and how I was so easily able to “turn on the water works” and lie to her.

And every so often, she brings up the story to keep reminding me of the ultimate lie and crime I almost got away with. God help my daughter if she ever asks grandma for an embarrassing story about dad.

DrAbraxas specified his mother’s biggest crime instead.

the most villainous thing my mother ever did was give birth to me 😀

FakeAssName submitted multiple crimes, but the ruination of a convention was the standout.

Breaking the elevators at the Hilton Hotel in Denver, when we would stay there on the seasonal Hockey trip, by forcing the doors open hallways between floors …. that was mostly my older brother, but after he and his friends in his division showed me how; I went and showed it to my team.

at the same time I’m sure I played a part in Gen-Con moving out of Denver because they used to hold it in the same Hilton, at the same time, and I would crash it every year; the organizers couldn’t really keep me (and the other hockey players I would get to crash it with me) out because there was too much traffic too keep us from getting in, and then they really couldn’t figure out how to kick us out because were really were just dumb kids that honestly didn’t understand why we were supposed to pay to get in.

damn it, I guess it wasn’t Gen-Con ’cause their website says that they were never in Denver, I was thinking that if not Gen-Con then maybe it was Dragon-Con but that seems like a no-go either.

damnit, what was the name of that Con?!?! I honestly looked forward to it more than playing hockey …. would have been something like 90-93 range and was held at the Hilton in Denver (I think it was the one of Quebec street).

Timely-Tardis-Lego weaves a devious web.

Ok, I don’t really remember the past, but, when I was little, I was playing with a ball of yarn. Now, at first, you’d think that’s harmless. Well Not so much. You see, I was in my aunt’s room. She had a few chairs and an ironing table in the room that day.

I looped a piece of yarn to something, then made what was basically a giant spiderweb that took up the entire floor. When I was done, I was called to eat and forgot. I turned off the light. 15 minutes later, I hear my aunt fell and guess who they were shouting for. Can’t really remember what happened after that though.

With rpmarsh, I just liked the phrase, “trying to convert the pastors kids to Zeus.”

The neighbors were a strict religious family and their two children were a little younger than me. When they saw me playing they came over and we played until they brought up god. So I brought up Zeus and taught them all about the more fun stories of the Greek Pantheon. The next day my mom grounded me for trying to convert the pastors kids to Zeus and they were banned from playing with me.

And finally, 10glfan59 the attempted sister-killer…

Me and my younger sister were playing hide and go seek on a rainy day. It was my turn to count and we were in the back part of the house and my mom was at the other side. As I was counting I heard the dryer door shut. When I went by the dryer I could here my sister giggling. So my younger self thought it would be funny to turn it on with my sister in it. After hearing the dryer turned on my mom come running and seen me holding the door shut and heard my sister yelling. So as punishment for “almost killing my sister” my mom made me donate my NES all my games and good sized portion of my toys to Goodwill

Winners after the jump.

The first two winners fall into that category of “I know I shouldn’t laugh at this, but dammit, I can’t stop.” First, nemesismkiii ruined mom’s relationship on a grand scale:

Well, I suppose the most villainous thing I ever did was chase off my mother’s fiance. This of course was years ago, and he wasn’t a very nice person. I used to have to spend all August at my Mother’s house, and I hated it. So it was then on August 2nd I decided I would do anything to go home and get away from their and my mom’s fiance. So that afternoon, the two of them went out and left me alone for a few hours, which I put to use. First, I went to her fiance’s truck and poured a whole bag of sugar into his gas tank with a funnel, then I carefully managed to wedge 2.5 inch carpenter nails just so perfectly in each tire so when the truck was moved, all the tires would be punctured. I hid a whole bag of marbles underneath the welcome mat at the top of the stairs to her house making it impossible to stand on. Lastly, and my crowning accomplishment, I took a bunch of fireworks which were being held in the basement for a celebration we were having later in the summer, along with some firecrackers and taped them all right at the entrance of the chimney chute for the little wood burning stove they had in their master bedroom. That night they started a fire and it was GLORIOUS. The noise and the lights and the fireworks brought the fire department from town and she was levied with a large fine. Needless to say, the next morning when he went to start his truck and found out it was sabotaged, he essentially told he was done and went away. I never saw him again, and my mom made me help pay the fine and gave away my Sega Genesis and action figures to some chinese kids down the road, but my point was made, he was gone and I was returned to my father’s house for the rest of the summer

…while spaulding.rusell attacked his sister with a swarm of yellowjackets.

My favorite little evil moment as a kid was playing out side with a water hose. I saw a Yellow Jackets nest hole and thought it would be a good idea to stick the water hose in the hole and turn the water on. After casually going back in the house my mother asked if I remembered to turn off the water hose. I told her I did not, but get my sister to do it because I needed to go to the bathroom. My mother sent my sister outside to turn off the hose, a lot of screaming and only a few seconds later it seems my sister came crashing into the door yelling about the bees. So in short my most villainous moment that I actually got away with was unleashing an evil army of Yellow Jackets on my sister

Our final winner, though, atoned for all sins in a touching fashion. Mittensmittens:

My mother loves Wallace and Gromit, and used to have this wonderful Wallace and Gromit diorama alarm clock (first one in this video).

Long story short, you push a button and Wallace says ‘Morning Gromit, time for walkies!’ This was one of Mum’s most treasured possessions. Unfortunately she showed me and my brother the alarm clock when we were quite young (5 and 3, from memory). We went ballistic, pressing the button over and over again and dissolving into hysterical glee whenever Wallace told Gromit that it was time for ‘walkies.’ We wore out the batteries. Mum put it on the high shelf. We McGuyvered a grapple hook out of string and plush toys and got it down from the shelf, and wore out a second set of batteries. Within the space of three days, we had shorted the fuse completely and the alarm clock no longer worked. My mother was devastated, but she couldn’t blame her young kids who loved Wallace and Gromit as much as she did. She just got very sad and threw the clock out, and hasn’t bought another one since because she figured that my brother and I would just break it again.

Guess what my brother and I ordered from overseas in time for her birthday?

Winners, please email me your contact info and what size/style shirt you want.