|Just kidding. Wil’s cool.
As a parent, it’s almost second nature to feel that your shortcomings are reflected in your children. A phone call from the principal’s office regarding my eight year-old fills me with more anxiety than the handful of trips I made myself to the Judge Dredd of the elementary school. No one wants their children to be a failure, but worse yet, the biggest nightmare a parent can have is the idea that their child could be evil (unless you are Dr. Evil, in which you would actually encourage said evil behavior).
There have certainly been some memorable mothers in science fiction and fantasy, and it’s this time of year in which all mothers are heralded for their sacrifices in the name of raising their offspring. But this is Topless Robot, and as much as we love our moms, it’s time we take a few of them to task for the sins of their spawn. In celebration of Mother’s Day, we present to you nine fictional mothers who should have taken inspiration from the angelfish, and consumed their kids.
9. Mrs. Pamela Voorhees – Friday The 13th Series
One of the few mothers on this list who would be encouraging of her child’s behavior would be Mrs. Voorhees, the mother of the immortal, serial-killing hockey fan with whom I share a first name. Jason’s one man crusade on pre-martial camp sex, if left unchecked, could have destabilized the population of Sussex County, New Jersey.
Sure, he couldn’t move fast, but he could smell unsuspecting, horny camp counselors from miles away, and had a hell of an axe hand. That, coupled with that whole immortality thing, made him a monster most fictional mothers wouldn’t want their fictional children to encounter. I just need to have him on standby for when my daughter starts dating.
I can understand why Pamela would encourage her baby boy’s behavior, I can’t, however, imagine how horrible Voorhees tastes, though with the amount of beatings he’s taken, he’s sure to be tender.
8. Susan Harris – Demon Seed
When Alex Harris decided to create an artificial intelligence, he has no idea it will start eyeing up his human wife. The supercomputer, Proteus, gets Alex out of the house and proclaims that he wants to make sweet robot love to Susan in the hopes of having a Cylon boy of his very own.
In a trippy sequence that looks borrowed from 2001, Proteus knocks up his human counterpart – of course, his super-efficient robot sperm allows her to carry the baby to full term in a matter of a month. When Alex figures out what is going on and tries to rescue his wife, Proteus realizes the jig is up and self-destructs just as the baby is born. Upon opening, it reveals a horrific metallic creature, apparently only a shell for what looks like a human child. That is, until she speaks with the voice of Robert Vaughn.
It’s implied that robo-Robert Vaughn Baby will likely take over the world. If only they hadn’t left her in the incubator for five days. Would AI-created babies be made of artificial meat?
7. The Bitch/The Alien Queen – Aliens
The other mother on this list that would be proud of her devilish children would be the massive, multi-jawed and very likely gooey Queen from James Cameron’s Aliens. The Bitch, as she is so affectionately called by her nemesis, cares only about propagation, a task her children are well suited to help her complete.
It doesn’t take long for a handful of her spawn to either carve up or capture a squad of Colonial Marines, the so-called toughest hombres in the universe. In amazing defiance of the laws of physics, she manages to stow away on the dropship that is carrying away her foil, squeezes out a few eggs somehow for future face-raping, then confronts her nemesis Ripley after making Bishop half the robot he used to be. Her kids, though, are a collective menace that could ravage the galaxy if unchecked. A son ripped apart a prison, a daughter burst out of the chest of Ripley, and a clone of said daughter created a whole new brood of bad-asses.
While the rest of the mothers on this list wouldn’t ever consider dining on their offspring, the Alien Queen is likely the only one on the list who would partake in a meal of Xenomorph; that is, as long as she could keep her ass out of an airlock long enough to. Is cooking with alien acid blood considered molecular gastronomy?
6. Katherine Thorn – The Omen
Out of all of the mothers on this list, poor Katherine is likely the most tragic. Granted, she technically isn’t the mother of the Antichrist from a biological standpoint, but if love is the deciding factor in parenthood, then Mrs. Thorn certainly has earned the title. She’s also the most tragic of mothers on this list, receiving Damian unknowingly after her son is stillborn. Saying his birth mother was a dog wouldn’t be much of a stretch.
For all intents, Damian seems like a normal child. His reaction to going to church for the first time is likely the same reaction I had or Sunday mornings, and haven’t all of us had nannies who hung themselves at our birthday parties?
Sadly, Katherine didn’t live to see the little demon spawn reach his full, evil potential. His first act of malevolence was to ram his pregnant mother with a tricycle (see why we don’t ride bikes in the house), causing her to miscarry yet again. His nanny Mrs. Baylock finished the job by chucking poor Katherine out of the window of her hospital room. It took two sequels before his reign of terror came to an end, a reign perpetuated by the almost unconditional love of all of his caregivers, especially his mother. She should have followed the example of the rabbit instead of ending up like Charlotte.
5. Theresa Wiggin – Ender’s Game
Let’s face it: most parents in their right mind wouldn’t particularly want their children going to a high-tech military school hell-bent on training their youngsters to be great military commanders. When her first son Peter is kicked out for being too psychotic, the pride of the family falls on the sweet and innocent daughter Valentine. When she is too much of a pacifist, the Wiggin family extends their ranks once more for a final shot at getting a child into Battle School, hence the titular Ender.
For all of his good intentions, Ender is essentially bat-shit crazy. Fed up by bullies, he essentially goes Incredible Hulk on their asses, not stopping until he is assured that they will never bother him again. Little does he know that most of his former bullies occupied body bags after their encounters.
Manipulated into causing a genocide, Ender is at least repentant for his actions. While he’s out annihilating the buggers, his sister and psychopath brother are doing their best Pinky and the Brain impression, successfully taking over the world. Granted, it was more his brother’s influence on Ender that turned him into a killer rather than his mother’s, but it’s likely the universe would have been a much safer place without the Wiggin family.
4. Bella Swan/Cullen – Twilight Series
I know what you’re thinking…another Twilight joke. And you’d be right, because Twilight jokes never get old, and apparently neither will Renesmee, the demon spawn created when a Vulcan and a Sparkly Vorvon get their freak on.
First off, the kid is already in for a tough one thanks to her name, which can only be spoken properly by Kristen Stewart or by beings with three tongues. When an accident starts labor prematurely, this demon seed decides to take a queue from Giger’s Alien and proceeds to try to break out of Bella’s womb like she’s a famished John Hurt, leaving Bella dying from getting her ass kicked on the inside.
Aside from a weird name and trying to make Bella’s pelvis explode Scanners-style (which might be looked upon as a good thing), what did she do to get on this list? She didn’t kill anyone, doesn’t have apocalyptic powers, and aside from being strange as shit, really hasn’t harmed anyone.
Well, first she went all succubus on that werewolf dude who hates shirts, and somehow becomes his soul-mate despite the creepy 20+ year age difference. Next, she forever tarnished the good name of her race. See, Renesmee is a half-vampire, half-human hybrid, meaning she has all of the best traits of both races and gets terrific gas mileage. This cross breed being is also typically called a Dhampir. Some famous Dhampirs include Blade, Alucard, and D, all bad asses, all now forever associated with a creepy-ass, sparkly half-breed with the personally of plywood and a future hankering for bestiality. Somewhere, D or his funky face hand is weeping, wishing something could suck the blood out of that kid and the Twilight franchise. Unbeknownst to him, it’s the Twilight series that does all the sucking in these parts.
3. Ellen Tigh – Battlestar Galactica
When we’re first introduced to the
woman Cylon, she’s not quite what we would expect for both the wife of Galactica’s tough as nails, hard drinking XO and the mother of the Cylon race. She’s boozy, flirty and conniving. She’s not naturally bad, she’s just programmed that way, thanks to her ill-tempered son John, aka One.
As the series progresses, we find that for the most part, the Cylons aren’t as evil as they seem. Sure, they killed over twenty-eight billion people in the first episode, but by the time they get to the third season they seem to be at least slightly sorry for the whole thing, except of course John. In fact, John Cavil is likely the most depraved character of the series. He kills his brother Seven (permanently corrupting his code), nukes the colonies, orders Boomer to pop a cap in the Commander, pulls the strings of millions of skin jobs, fraks his mother multiple times, and wants to dissect a little girl, all before shoving a gun in his mouth when a short-lived treaty goes south.
All of the love (parental, that is) and compassion provided by Ellen seems moot, for nothing in the universe could cure this Oedipal robot of his acute case of douchebaggery. That being said, with near-limitless numbers of Cavil copies, the entire Cylon race could live almost indefinitely, so long as they resorted to cannibalism.
2. Shmi Skywalker – Star Wars Series
Sure, there are some of us who thought Luke Skywalker was a tad whiny, but he barely holds a candle to his father Anakin. Immaculately conceived by Shmi Skywalker, who little-knew that her small miracle would end up being the greatest terror the universe ever knew, and the whiniest Jedi ever to take up the lightsaber.
For a boy who just wanted to help people, he sure did a lot of killing. Sand People, Jedi, Younglings, and countless others fell to little Annie’s energy blade, but for some reason Jar-Jar Binks was never eviscerated by him, an act which would have likely redeemed him in the eyes of fans. It’s safe to say that Skywalker deserved to be Sarlacc food much more than Boba Fett, just based on his sand speech alone. You’d need to add a little cheese to that whine, though, to make him a complete course.
1. Cersei Lannister – Game of Thrones
Really, who else could we even begin to consider putting at the top of this list? At first glance, Cersei fills the role of a powerful and beautiful regent with absolute ease. She seems to be the pinnacle of maternal instinct, and raises daughter Myrcella and youngest son Tommen to be fine, upstanding young blue bloods. It’s not long, though, before we see something is quite wrong with little Joffrey.
He shows his true colors only a few days ride down the King’s Road, where his chickenshit whining causes the death of a baker’s boy. His little-man syndrome, even more pronounced than that of his uncle Tyrion’s, has him pushing the envelope of the aristocracy moments after getting that stag crown on his head. His lopping off of the head of the series’ top-billed star causes an immediate civil war that costs the seven kingdoms immeasurably. His iron fist keeps him in control for a time, though he proves time and again that like Meryn Trant, skill and intelligence don’t matter so long as you’re properly equipped. Only in Joffrey’s case, he’s packing a crossbow, and a big fucking set of balls.
By the time he marries his disproportionately hot fianc? Margery Tyrell, all of Westeros is wishing that Cersei had baked his ass in the pie. I wonder if it would still be dry then?
Previously By Jason Helton
8 Observations on Surviving a Playstation 4 Midnight Launch
12 Role Predictions for Star Wars Episode VII
Daylight Scared the Piss Out of Me: Four Reasons Why It Was Worth It, Five Why It Wasn’t