Ask Luke’s Mother-in-Law: When and Why to Throw a Ham at Someone


Martha Boyd is not just Luke’s mother-in-law – she’s also an ex-cop, a landlord, a self-described crazy cat lady, a major Star Trek geek and the widow of a green beret. So go ahead: ask her anything. And we mean anything. Just be polite when you do.

Happy Thursday. I bet you are wondering why there is a picture of fingernails today.

Well, I have finally found a nail polish (guys, get coffee now), that stays on my fingers for more than a couple of hours. For years I have tried various brands of polish; at best it looks good for a couple hours and then starts to chip. I finally gave up except for special times when I know I would have to do nothing with my hands. Well, I have been seeing the ads for Sally Hanson Miracle Gel. It is supposed to last 2 weeks. Yeah, really; I know my hands and what my nails go thru in a day. ButI am happy to report this photo was taken after 7 days!!!!!. Not a chip. I have been typing, digging in the dirt, appraising, swimming etc. I would have been happy if it had made a day or two – but 7 so far – Yippee. It was pricey for the polish and gel pac at $15.00 , but there was a $2.00 off coupon on the next purchase. At the price it is a heck of a lot cheaper then going to get a manicure.

Okay, the guys are probably back from the coffee break…

I have been watching Utopia, both on the live feed and the TV version. It is way better on the edited-for-TV version. Frankly, the live feed is boring. The announcer is interesting, though; short of an odd duck type. Master Chef is ending – I think next week is the final show – but Hell’s Kitchen is starting back up again. I love Gordon Ramsay. Some day I will get to eat at one of his places. Also waiting on the new season of Shark Tank.

I have heard great feed back from JEO artist about the paintings I put up last week. She wrote me that traffic is up on her site, thanks to TR readers taking a look at her work. I am looking to purchase a couple of more pieces for my collection.

On to the questions for this week. I know you will keep me on my toes.

Any tips on housetraining a small apartment dog? Ours is pretty good about it but slips sometimes.

I have found that those animal training pads are pretty good and work much better than newspaper. Also if there are accidents during the night, or when you are away, I have seen some people use the baby playpens for small dogs. Pet stores even have pet fencing that you can make into a secure area for the little one. I was just appraising a house the other day and there were 2 cute Taco Bell dogs. They had the pet fencing on the kitchen floor which kept them very well contained while the owner was at work. I have also found that if you can keep then on a regular walking schedule that it helps to minimize the accidents.

QUESTION! TMBG brings up an interesting question in their song Snowball in Hell. If it wasn’t for disappointment would I ever have any appointments?

There is not much to that song that makes any sense, but the music is pretty good. But sure, you would still have lots of appointments with or without disappointment. Everything we do can be taken as some kind of appointment.

QUESTION! Do you think sales are great buying opportunities for the patient or just marketing gimmicks?

Well, a sale gets the customer in the door and then generally you see other things that you just have to have. Loss leaders are good (sale items). We have one store here called Big Lots, that for a while had a loss leader of fruit and veg at 99 cents. I spoke to the store manager about that and it was totally a loss leader to get people into the store. They found that people can in for the cheap fruit/veg and generally walked out with $20+ in items they saw while in the store. It was worth it to take a loss on the food. Sales can be very good for the consumer, but you have to know your prices and stick to just going for the sale item – will power is a must.

in your opinion what would be appropriate retribution on your significant other if they were to , say throw a water melon at you?

I once tossed a ham at my husband. It was our first holiday after getting married. We both had the day off work. I was cooking my finest holiday dinner and the phone rang. He answered and it was work. There was a hazmat spill, and could he come in? They could not find anyone else, or so the dispatcher said – the holiday, you know. He said sure, he would be right in…and out flew the ham. I did not say a word – but the message was delivered and he got right back on the phone and told dispatch to find someone else. He always said it was healthy to listen to a woman with a gun who knew how to use it.

There was not retribution, even though at work he was my superior at the time. So none – what did you do to get the watermelon toss? Obviously there was some error on your part, just like there was the error on my new husband’s part.

QUESTION! You brought up cheese cake. I’ve had cheese cake now and then throughout my life and always thought it was tremendously overrated (also it’s a pie and not a cake so it’s misnamed) but recently was taken to The Cheesecake Factory (which for years I’ve erroneously assumed was just a specialist bakery) only to discover cheese cake can actually be really really good. So my question is this – have my tastes dramatically shifted or are most cheese cakes just really not made very well?

I totally agree – most cheesecakes that you find in the store and or restaurants are pretty bad and not worth eating. I never order cheesecake out, because over the years I have generally been disappointed. Thus I make my own and the majority of the desert is cream cheese – no cake at all. Yes, it is generally in pie format. I think however it is cheesecake as many of the ones made do have cake in them. Did you try the key lime one I wrote the recipe for? You can also leave out the lime and top with pie filling – blueberry is one of my favs. Even fresh fruit works, like raspberries.

Oh hey Mrs. Ppraisal. I tried the treat system to potty train the kiddo as per suggested. It worked quite well however he’s acting a bit spoiled. Any tips that avoid corporal punishment? Not that I’m against it but he doesn’t give a positive response to it. Thanks.

Glad the treat worked on the potty training. As they get bigger and smarter you have to keep finding what their currency is. Yeah sometimes it’s cold cash, but that gets expensive. We all spoil our kids – geez, I’m still doing that and Julia is 25. However, bratty behavior is not acceptable, so maybe a fav toy or something has to have a time out until the behavior is modified then they get the toy back. And if you put the child on a time out to change the behavior, don’t put them in their room – all of their fav stuff is there. A nice boring chair in a corner with nothing to do sometimes helps. Good luck.

Well, that’s all for this week. Next week I am taking my 2 newest kitties to the vet for spay. They will be wearing the collar of shame for a few days. Tuesday is the big day. As always be good to each other this next week – I don’t want to have to shake my mom finger at anyone! Love you all and Huggs.

As always, keep your questions coming, be they foolish, philosophical or anything else! Any questions submitted in comments below will be included in future columns.