Contest Winners: Your Best Fake ’80s Sequel and Kevin Smith Scene


If you are a winner, please email me your real name and address along with your screen name.

Because this is a twofer, and the Kevin Smith contest has multiple winners, I’m not going to list runners up this time. The winner of the Cobra Kai outfit – for which I asked you to imagine a fake sequel to an ’80s classic – is alijaffreythehunk, who entered multiple times, but did the best with this:

Fast Times at Ridgemont: What’s up Spicoli’s Butt?

Due to a legal loop hole from ages ago, Sean Penn is contractually obligated to star in this Fast Times sequel and he. is not. having. aaaaaannnnnyyy of it.

Watch Sean Penn punch Phoebe Cates for something undeserving, judge Judge Reinhold his choices in life, and out coke Nic Cage during a scene at a fast food stop.

Watch what the critics are calling:

“The only film where Sean Penn bites off a makeup assistant’s hand off for trying to place a blonde wig on his head.”‘

“He just stands there silently seething for 20 minutes at the camera in a ‘colt 45’ t shirt.”

“I could see the point where Penn’s skin started to literally boil and fume!”

Voted “The Most Terrifying Film of 2014!” by Bubba Jones from Rolling Stone.

Now in Theaters.

The five Kevin Smith runners-up, whom I asked to describe a scene they imagine will be in Smith’s next film Yoga Hosers, are…

Just after arriving in Canada, Justin Long goes to a convenience store. Outside a tall skinny guy and a short chubby guy are hanging out NOT selling pot. Inside, the guy behind the counter tells his friend, “I’m not even supposed to be here today, but I don’t mind because I’m a polite Canadian.”

The girls stand, battered and bleeding, clothing torn, before the ornate maple desk. The manhunter, shackled, kneels next to it. “Get oot of here!” he yells, but the girls stand their ground. The older one wipes the blood from her mouth and cries “Please show yourself, eh?!”

Slowly, the chair that had been facing away from them turns and the girls gasp, dropping their hockey sticks to the floor, knowing their final battle will be the toughest any yoga hoser had ever faced.

Before them, resplendent in his expertly crafted red flannel suit, is their worst nightmare. He runs a hand over his long beard, adjusts his woolen cap, and strokes the top of his worn handaxe. On the desk before him lies a plate of donuts covered in a shining glaze of Canada’s best. He pushes the pastries forward and says menacingly, “Care for a donut?”

The younger girl gasps, but the elder retains her composure.

“No thank you…Tim Horton.”

At the very, very end of Yoga Hosers which plays a lot like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back with its callbacks to Tusk and, oddly enough, Jersey Girl, Zack and Miri, and even Red State, we see a mid credit scene of Randal Graves, who is writing at his laptop. Through a conversation with Dante, we learn that Jersey Girl was a MASSIVE hit in the View Askewniverse for debut writer/director Randal. But after the utter failure of Red State at the box office and the renewed hope of his movies, Tusk and Yoga Hosers, Graves decides to go to film school in Canada to improve his directing skills to silence the critics. Which sets up the third movie in a very meta way.

Famed French-Canadian manhunter Guy Lapointe (Johnny Depp) is sent into a convenience store to by a pack of Nails for the two teenage girls, he encounters the two women who work there, Danielle (Jennifer Schwalbach) and Regina (Helena Bonham Carter), in the midst of a heated discussion about the treatment of women in the Star Wars universe, in particular the gold bikini and how demeaning it is.

He buys the pack of cigarettes and opines that while the bikini was demeaning, it was intentionally so, since Jabba was treating her like a slave girl and thus would want to demean her as much as possible in order to break her spirit, and thus it is unfair to peg George Lucas as a misogynist based on that.

Regina expresses her appreciation for Lapointe’s defense of her side of the argument by taking him into the back room and pleasuring him, however, she has a stroke mid coitus and dies.

Guy tosses her body in the cooler and leaves, he gives the cigarettes to the girls and heads into the video store next door to rent Navy Seals.

there will be a scene where the names of people who worked on the film will scroll from bottom to top of the screen

And the Kevin Smith grand prize winner is…

My apolgies if this posts twice, I am having a difficult time with MyVoiceNation at the moment.

This scene takes place late in the movie.

While trying to figure out how to defeat the villian the two teens and Johnny Depp get blitzed on Labatt and legal reefer, and a training montage ensues. The usual montage cliches are shown, and in the end the trio develop the ultimate yoga position which they name the “Canuckle Sandwich”. The pose is rather silly looking, but successfully performing the pose unleashes Canadian chi energy like a patronus, but in the shape of a moose and made of reefer smoke.

Cut to the villian standing atop the CN Tower, monolouging as villians are want to do, and completing the machine that will turn the tower into a mind control ray broadcasting device, so that he can bring an end to hockey because he had never been chosen to play at pickup games. Suddeny the heroes arive and a battle ensues. The heroes are soundly repelled at first, but with the aid of a power ballad from a coincidentaly passing Brian Adams, the heroic trio find they had the strength inside them the whole time, and they lead all of Canada (via the TV news live coverage) in performing the “Canuckle Sandwich”. The united chi of all Canadians releases a Godzilla sized reefer moose, who then proceeds to stomp the villian to death just as he was about to turn on the mind control machine. With all of Canada celebrating the defeat, no one but the heroes see the reefer moose wink before dissapating, spreading reefer smoke across the globe. Everyone on Earth suddenly chills out, and then they all go outside to play street hockey.

The End…?