10 Things to Know About WrestleMania 31 for Casual and Non-Fans

I know, I know…all you fans of the Top-Down Smackdown column were bummed that on the Monday before WrestleMania, I went on vacation. Consider this my atonement. And for those of you not a fan of that column, who’d rather see it confiend to Monday nights…I’ll atone for this some other time.

But non-fans should keep reading anyway, because you may be wondering why you have a friend who invited you to watch wrestling this weekend. They know you’re not generally into it, right? Well, yeah. But it’s WrestleMania weekend, which is the Superbowl of wrestling, ad they hold out some hope that just as non-football fans can enjoy that big game day, WrestleMania will transcend boundaries and be, at the very least, a fun curiousity. Heck, just two days ago a friend of mine in the media business asked, “I’m going to WrestleMania; what do I need to know?” For her, and the rest of you who aren’t fervent followers, consider this your cheat sheet, complete with relevant video clips. For more faithful fans, you still get to see my predictions and picks. Everyone wins!

1. WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns.

The Players:

Brock Lesnar is a massively muscled beast of a man who is both a former amateur wrestling champion and an ex-Ultimate Fighting Champion. With a style that combines MMA-style submissions, grappling holds and pure power, he is a convincing threat as champion, but is mostly booed nonetheless because he works a part-time schedule, shows up when he feels like it, and isn’t very articulate when given a live microphone (most of his interviews are taped and feature bleeped-out profanities). It has been left to his manager, Paul Heyman, to carry most of the burden of hyping the champion; Heyman, who once ran the rival wrestling promotion ECW, is more than up to it as a modern-day P.T. Barnum who could probably sell tickets to a tortoise vs. hare foot race.

As a character, Lesnar has also been positioned as the guy who not only defeats but dominates previously unbeatable characters, like John Cena and the Undertaker.

Roman Reigns is a former “enforcer” for a faux-paramilitary group called the Shield, and a cousin of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson; conveniently, he also bears a decent resemblance to Jason Momoa’s Aquaman. Now a solo performer, he still wears his SWAT-like gear and enters through the crowd, but this time he’s being pushed as a good-guy man of the people, with mixed results. He also now wears blue contacts.

The Build-Up:

Reigns won the 30-man Royal Rumble to gain his title shot; it was a match in which fans would have much preferred crowd-favorite Daniel Bryan, and they reacted very negatively, especially since it felt like a rerun of last year, when Dave Bautista, in a gratuitously obvious attempt at Guardians of the Galaxy synergy, was pushed in the same slot. Bautista is now semi-retired, and Reigns is being pushed in that same role – he’s big, muscular and tattooed, just how Vince McMahon likes them.

Lesnar was pretty much a shoo-in to lose the match as his contract was set to expire right after WrestleMania and he was thought to be in talks with UFC again; however, this week he swerved everyone by re-upping his contract and saying he wasn’t going back to MMA. If he retains the title, he’ll continue his part-time schedule, and if he loses, WWE will find creative ways to have him storyline-suspended, or pretending to quit.

Reigns has done the best he can with his too-soon push. A match with Daniel Bryan brought out the best in him, and his switch from excessively punching a cheesy catchphrase (“Believe that!”) to an infinitely more relatable “Don’t tell me I can’t” was for the best – these days, it’s entirely possible to believe some of the things he says aren’t scripted. It may be too soon for fans to accept him as champ, but he is steadily proving that he wants to earn the spot he might have been prematurely given.

Analysis:

Whoever wins, the likeliest result is interference by Seth Rollins (we’ll discuss him a bit later), who owns a guaranteed world title match contract that he can call in at any time, particularly after the champion has just taken a huge beating. Rollins, who is Reigns’ former partner in the Shield, is pretty obviously Reigns’ next feud whether he wins or not, but it makes more sense if he wins. The only real question is whether Rollins cashes in at WrestleMania, or the next night. It’s not unheard of for a bad guy to triumph at WrestleMania, but it has been a while, and the last time – Miz beating John Cena – it was mitigated by the Rock clearing house and starting some shit with John Cena that fans had wanted to see for years.

That said, with the mixed reaction both Reigns and Rollins get, it’s hard to say who’ll be cheered more.

Prediction: Reigns wins, and Rollins wins right after.

2. Sting vs. Triple H.

The Players:

Sting is one of the last surviving wrestling icons of the ’80s. Originally a surfer with a blond buzzcut, he revamped during the grim ‘n’ gritty ’90s to look more like the Crow, adopting a persona as a lone-wolf avenger of injustice – usually with the aid of a baseball bat. He has traditionally been the top guy in rival promotions WCW and TNA, never going to WWE before as he thought it would conflict with his born-again Christian outlook. Now, however, with WWE having gone PG and Sting’s career winding down, he’s knocking of those last items on any wrestling superstar’s bucket list – perform at WrestleMania and be in the Hall of Fame.

Triple H, who calls himself “The Game” and “The King of Kings,” had his career quite effectively explained by Max Landis recently, but my read on the guy can be explained in less words: basically, this is a guy who willed and worked himself to be a top player despite lacking that superstar “it” factor that comes so effortlessly to others. Through a combination of hard work, in-ring talent, understanding of the business and marriage to the boss’ daughter, he never equaled the likes of Hulk Hogan or Mick Foley, but got himself in a great position nonetheless. His persona now is of a corporate suit with a hair-trigger temper who only gets back in the ring on rare occasions – sometimes with sledgehammer in hand, and usually with a faux-Conan or Skeletor motif.

The Build-Up:

Sting made a surprise appearance at a match last year that supposedly had Triple H’s career on the line; thanks to him, the executive was briefly fired until Seth Rollins (yes, him again) finagled a return for his favorite boss. Triple H, upon returning, began painting Sting as a sad, out-of-time figure loyal to a long-dead company (that’d be WCW; there’s no acknowledging of TNA, which still exists). Sting responded that he’s not fighting for WCW, but to oppose Triple H’s corrupt authority, and has periodically shown up just to mess up Triple H’s plans.

Analysis:

There is absolutely no reason that Sting could or should lose this match. It’ll be his first in WWE, and his first match in months anywhere. Triple H knows his role, and it’s both “in the office” and as “bad guy who gets defeated at WrestleMania.” WWE will presumably want to make the most of their deal with Sting and have him fight a few other “dream” matches even in a past-his-prime state. If, after all this hype, he loses? You’ll hear “bullshit!” chants that’ll make you deaf.

Prediction: Sting wins. Triple H’s buddy and Sting’s old foe Ric Flair gets involved somehow.

3. John Cena vs. United States Champion Rusev.

The Players:

John Cena is like a cross between a cheesy white rapper and a happy-go-lucky military guy (he’s never been in the service, but he played a Marine in a movie and went to boot camp for one day, which apparently gives him the right to salute and wear dog tags). Kids love him for being a nice-guy superman; adult fans hate him for exactly the same reason. In real life, everyone appreciates his charity work, but in the ring, he rarely faces anyone that even looks like a challenge, which makes his matches dull.

Rusev is a Bulgarian powerhouse who has pledged his allegiance to Vladimir Putin and been (storyline) declared an honorary Russian citizen, complete with a medal reserved for heroes of the Russian Federation. He is undefeated, and managed by Lana, a woman based on the Brigitte Nielsen character from Rocky IV, but with an even worse fake accent. After every victory by Rusev, a giant Russian flag unfurls from the ceiling.

The Build-Up:

For the first time since Brock Lesnar, John Cena has finally met someone he can’t beat easily. Rusev has defeated him by cheating, and refused to give him a U.S. title match, until Cena finally beat the living shit out of him into unconsciousness, and Lana agreed to it.

Rusev, whose support of real-life boogeyman Putin gets him automatic hate, is so depised that he actually makes Cena seem popular again. But this is also due to Cena actually looking confused, uncertain and moderately intimidated by the brutish Bulgarian.

Analysis:

Unless Cena needs a leave of absence to promote the Judd Apatow movie he’s in, this is his match to lose. The dilemma for WWE is what they do with Rusev once he’s beaten, and whether or not Cena needs that U.S. Belt when he’s been world champion many times over. WrestleMania usually ends feuds and resets storylines, but it’s also quite possible this one needs to be dragged out – it gets Cena more cheers and makes Rusev seem more threatening. Neither are things the company should want to end prematurely.

Prediction: Indecisive ending that leads to a steel cage or submission match next time.

4. The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt.

The Players:

The Undertaker has spent most of his career in the role of a demonic lord of darkness with evil supernatural powers and the ability to recover from almost any attack. This unstoppable image took a big hit last year, however, when he came out to face Brock Lesnar looking sunburned and winded, got knocked loopy towards the end for real forcing Brock to take control of the match, and was made to look ready for a real-life undertaker when Lesnar soundly defeated him.

Bray Wyatt is WWE’s idea of what a cult leader looks like: a bearded, fat redneck in a Hawaiian shirt with a magic lantern, who laughs after all his own “best” nonsensical lines of dialogue. He is the son of Mike “IRS” Rotunda and (unacknowledged on TV) brother to Bo Dallas. Signature pose is a “spider-walk” a la The Exorcist.

The Build-Up:

Wyatt, now separated from his former cult subjects, was seen in TV vignettes ranting about somebody. Eventually he revealed it was the Undertaker, who, via magic lightning and pre-recorded message, accepted the challenge. We have no idea if he looks in ring-shape or not.

Analysis:

Undertaker is at the stage of his career where he barely appears, and wants to give back to the business by putting new stars over. Letting Wyatt win would make sense.

On the other hand, as we are often reminded, ‘Taker’s WrestleMania record is 21-1. Some sort of draw or double-disqualification would make it 21-1-1, which has a nice ring to it.

Prediction: Bray Wyatt.

5. Seth Rollins vs. Randy Orton.

The Players:

Seth Rollins, who was also in fake paramilitary group the Shield alongside Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, has quietly become the best new bad guy in the business, and not just because he let Jon Stewart kick him in the nads. With a penchant for high-risk moves, definite wrestling talent and a persona as that kiss-ass prick in every workplace who has become the boss’ favorite, he is the linchpin of Triple H’s stable “The Authority,” and is followed around by a diminutive duo known as J&J Security (former WWE cruiserweights Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury). Holds in his possession the “Money in the Bank” contract that allows him a world title match any time, anywhere.

Randy Orton is, basically, a douche. Sometimes he’s a douche who attacks bad guys; sometimes he’s a douche who attacks good guys. Just imagine that Dr. Moreau found a way to turn an Affliction T-shirt into a living, breathing human being, and that’s Randy Orton.

The Build-Up:

Randy Orton was the Authority’s “Chosen One” and world champion for some time, but was ultimately replaced by Seth Rollins, who took him out of action with an injurious head-stomp. Now Orton is back, and after briefly pretending to be pals with Rollins, he turned on him. This is probably not a feud destined to last long, as Rollins and Reigns is a more naturally imminent angle.

Analysis:

Rollins’ primary WrestleMania role ought to be his inevitable involvement in the world title match – this is an appetizer with nothing at stake. Nobody really cares about Orton’s grudge, nor was anyone especially excited to have him come back. He’s boring and his character never changes, not unlike John Cena.

Prediction: Rollins half-asses it and loses quickly, allowing him to be fresh for interfering in the main event, and Orton to have a legit claim to a title shot next time.

6. Divas Tag Team Match: Brie and Nikki Bella vs. Paige and A.J. Lee.

The Players:

Brie and Nikki Bella are twins, born identical but now visually differentiated by Nikki’s boob job. They also happen to be romantically involved with WWE’s two top stars, John Cena and Daniel Bryan, of which much is made on the E! Show Total Divas, a “reality” program more obviously fake than wrestling. On WWE programming, they play the role of spoiled brats, and Nikki holds the Divas championship.

Paige, who also appears on Total Divas, is a young rookie from England who comes from a wrestling family and has skills and toughness belied by her slight frame. Her image is pale goth all the way, but her personality is British street-smart.

A.J. Lee, real-life wife of former WWE star CM Punk, is a small but sturdy female athlete whose personality is of a dangerously – but amusingly – bipolar nutjob. She considers Paige her “frenemy,” as they both hate the Bellas more than each other.

The Build-Up:

Paige took AJ’s title the first night she was on the WWE main roster, but since then the two have fallen afoul of the cocky Bellas, who were feuding with each other until Nikki took the title. AJ only recently returned, and decided she hates the Bellas more than Paige.

Analysis:

This is the first time in a long while that the token women’s match at WrestleMania has been between four ladies who can actually wrestle well, and aren’t just models trained to do some basic moves. Thank corporate synergy, as E! obviously doesn’t want the stars of their show to be made to look like second-class idiots. That said, since it’s not a title match, the outcome does not matter to the storylines at all.

Prediction: AJ and Paige.

7. Seven-Man Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Title.

The Players:

Daniel Bryan is probably the most popular competitor in WWE among grown fans (kids prefer Cena), a no-frills, long-haired, submission-move specialist who likes to chant “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Years before he came to WWE, he had a reputation among online fans as the best pure wrestler in the world, but one who was too small and insufficiently charismatic to succeed in Vince McMahon’s land of the giants. He proved everybody wrong, and won the world title at last year’s ‘Mania. Returning from severe injuries that forced him to forfeit the title, he now has to prove himself all over again.

R-Truth is a rapper who is completely insane, and has an invisible best friend who is apparently a small boy named Li’l Jimmy. He is hilarious, and instigated this multi-man match by constantly stealing the title and handing it over to a different person each time.

Wade Barrett is the current champion, and a former bare-knuckle brawler from England. Known as “Bad News” for his tendency to make negative pronouncements every time he’s given a microphone, he is nonetheless cheered by a significant proportion of the crowd just for being such an unrepentant asshole.

Luke Harper is a backwoods mountain man with a puke-stained shirt who used to be part of Bray Wyatt’s cult, but now does his own thing, which mostly involves staring at stuff like a crazy person. Basically, who the Duck Dynasty guys are pretending to be, and selling products to.

Dean Ambrose is the former leader of the Shield, which also included Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns, and is the best talker of the bunch. Currently known as “The Lunatic Fringe,” he works a style that’s similar to the reckless Mick Foley/ECW vein, but without depending quite as much on out-of-the-ring shenanigans.

Dolph Ziggler is your classic bleach-blond, generically cocky good guy from Florida. For a while, he was coming off as the guy who just won’t quit and will hang in there long enough to tire out any foe…but after having him dominate at last year’s Survivor Series, WWE backtracked on him again. He is also an aspiring stand-up comedian, and once dated Amy Schumer.

Stardust, formerly known as Cody Rhodes, is one of Dusty Rhodes’ kids and brother of Goldust, whose bizarre gimmick for years was a strange cross between a transvestite silent movie star and the Oscar statuette come to life. Stardust has a more cosmic theme, with Goldie’s li’l bro going on and on about cosmic keys and galaxies, all while rocking a silver bodysuit and odd contacts. Has disowned his brother and father, and goes nuts whenever fans chant his real name at him.

The Build-Up:

Dean Ambrose started it by stealing the belt from Barrett without winning it first. R-Truth, who hadn’t been seen in a while, got the idea from Ambrose to keep stealing the belt and passing it around. Meanwhile, Bryan failed a last-ditch attempt to get into the world title match and decided to go for the Intercontinental title instead, but in doing so has run afoul of Ziggler, who has been in the I-C title picture for a while. Harper is a former champion (albeit only for a couple of weeks) and Stardust held it for a long time back when he was called Cody. On the heels of defeating his brother, he has now convinced himself the belt is a magical space object.

Ladder matches generally bring out the best in any athlete who can keep up, in a bout that invariably involves reckless high-dives and metal smashes to the face.

Prediction: Daniel Bryan. He’s too popular not to at least get second place of the night.

8. Tag Team Title Match: The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. New Day vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd.

The Players:

The New Day is a team made up of every black guy Vince McMahon doesn’t know what to do with, grouped together in a gospel gimmick even though their styles don’t mesh well.

The Usos are the twin sons of super-heavyweight Rikishi Fatu, and also related to the Rock. The Samoan team is known for high-flying moves and a ring entrance that begins with them doing a traditional native chant and ends with them dancing to hip-hop.

Los Matadores are masked matadors, whose “bull” is actually a little person in a bull costume named El Torito.

Cesaro is a super-strong, slightly generic jerk from Switzerland. Tyson Kidd is a Canadian protegee of the Hart family and the husband of Total Divas star Natalya Neidhart. They were put together as a team because neither had anything else going on except Natalya’s fake marital troubles on Total Divas. Now they’re tag team champions, because why not?

The Build-Up:

There aren’t many tag teams. They fight each other because they exist. And one of the Usos is married to diva Cameron Naomi, who used to be on Total Divas with Natalya. That was the basis for the Usos versus Cesaro and Kidd, but more recently, Natalya has been feuding with El Torito, because a woman and a little person are totally equal in their inferiority to the males, amirite?

Analysis:

It’s not even happening on the main show, just the pre-show. That shows you how much anybody cares about the whole thing. There are some fine talents involved – as individuals, Matadores Primo and Epico, I mean Fernando and Diego, have skills, as do Kofi Kingston and Big E when they’re not in New Day. Nice to include them, but a regular two-on-two match with no divas or bulls between the Usos and Kidd/Cesaro would be better/less of a clusterfuck.

Prediction: Who cares? Er, I mean, Cesaro and Kidd.

9. The Andre the Giant Battle Royal.

The Players:

Everyone on the main roster who hasn’t been mentioned yet.

The Build-Up:

Last year’s winner was Cesaro, who is now playing second-fiddle to Tyson Kidd in a tag team, so this really means nothing except a chance to pander to the majority 40-ish fans by invoking a name they remember.

Only a few actual angles have really developed to build the battle. There’s Curtis Axel, son of the late Mr. Perfect, whose entrance into January’s Royal Rumble never happened, which has caused him to insist he’s still in the match and was never eliminated. That, and he’s ripping off Hulk Hogan with an “Axelmania” slogan.

There are party boys Adam Rose and Zack Ryder, whose Twitter feud is better than some of the feuds on TV.

But mostly, there is the Miz, a reality-star-turned-wrestler-turned-movie-star; that said movies are direct-to-video dreck is irrelevant to his arrogant Hollywood gimmick. There is also Damien Mizdow, former “stunt double” for the Miz, who became a crowd favorite with pitch-perfect mimed impressions of his employer. Anger between them has been brewing for a long time, and now would have been the perfect time for a match at long last. Instead, they’re in the battle royal.

Prediction: Some NXT guy who needs the boost, like indie favorite Sami Zayn. Or…a real longshot here…possibly a returning Rhyno or debuting Samoa Joe, a big name who recently left TNA.

10. Hall of Fame.

About 2/3 of the way through the show, this year’s Hall of Famers will come out and take a bow. What you mostly need to know is that the Hall of Fame isn’t specifically about merit, but about people Vince can either still make money off of, or pay to stop shit-talking the company. Here’s what you need to know about each:

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Most years, WWE inducts a celebrity who has almost nothing to do with the company save a special appearance or two. This year it’s Ahnuld.

Randy Savage – Oooooh yeahhhh! if you don’t remember him teaming with and fighting with Hulk Hogan back in the day, you probably at least remember him pitching Slim Jims. One of the all-time greats in the business and long overdue.

Kevin Nash – Also known as Diesel and Big Sexy (among several other failed gimmicks), Nash was one of the instigators of wrestling’s big boom in the ’90s, defecting to WCW along with Scott Hall to start the New World Order, make Hulk Hogan a bad guy, and turn Sting into the Crow. You might have seen him as an actor in the likes of John Wick and Magic Mike – at almost seven feet tall, he’s hard to miss.

Tatsumi Fujinami – Japanese legend best known over here for wrestling Ric Flair several times in the early ’90s, back when WCW and New Japan had a talent exchange.

Alundra Blayze – Before the current wave of women wrestlers as would-be Playboy cover girls, Blayze was an athlete, plain and simple. After becoming a star in the AWA and WCW as Madusa, she jumped to WWE and single-handedly restarted their women’s division, which at any given time consisted of her and one other woman to challenge her. Eventually tiring of that – and maybe the silly “Alundra Blayze” name as well – she went back to WCW and famously threw the WWE women’s title in the trash on live TV. If she can mend the fences, anybody can.

Larry Zbyszko – A classic old-school villain with a big mouth and sound technical skills often concealed by a propensity for cheating and acting like a coward, Larry was one of those ’80s guys like Ric Flair that people loved to hate and hated to love. He is still best known for his early career betrayal of ’70s legend Bruno Sammartino, which culminated in a violent grudge match, and Larry stealing the “Living Legend” nickname.

Rikishi – Father of the Usos, he used to be a great tag-team wrestler in his own right, but overshadowed all of that with a gimmick that involved shoving opponents’ faces deep into his gigantic ass crack. That became tiresome, but it also became super-famous.

The Bushwhackers – Tattooed lunatics from New Zealand, missing several teeth, who began their careers as violent maniacs and reached greater heights as kid-friendly goofballs who waved their arms up and down, licked people’s faces, and used each other’s heads as battering rams.

Connor Michalek – A young kid who died of cancer after meeting and inspiring many of his favorite WWE stars. While saluting the desire to honor him, I’m conflicted about WWE calling this the Warrior award, and selectively editing the late Ultimate Warrior’s speech to imply an endorsement – as I recall, Warrior actually wanted an award by that name to go to the semi-anonymous people on the crew who help the entire show happen. Technically, Connor did that with inspiration, but I think awards for make-a-wish kids ought to perhaps be named something else.

There will also invariably be goofy skits, probably involving retired talent who’ve come back for a nostalgia cheer. If you’re lost, listen to the commentary – it rarely leaves room for ambiguity.

I don’t suggest printing this out as an actual, physical cheat-sheet, since you could spill your beer or soda on it. Just remember as much as you can, and if you recall nothing else, just say “Cena Sucks” at every opportunity.