Books, TV

GoT Milked: Oh Hi, Sparrow!

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(As your host has missed several seasons of Game of Thrones, please excuse him if any of the questions asked in the following recap have glaringly obvious answers to the loyal fan.)

-Crying statue in the rain – already done better than in Zack Snyder’s Watchmen.

-Arya is young Bruce Wayne from “The Man Who Falls,” and yes, she may sweep the floor.

-Kids gettin’ married? I forgot Cersei had any kids other than asshole bitchface. But hey, a wedding where nobody gets massacred is a good day in Wetseros, right?

-Oh hai, married kids in bed together after fucking! Kudos to the balls of this show, but not sure I wanted to see that.

-“I wish we had some wine for you; it’s a bit early in the day for us!” – Great, kid: you just called your utterly psychotic mother-in-law an old drunk. That’ll help.

-Skinned torsos! Hooray!

-And here is where we force Sansa to marry the lord of swamp castle. Boo.

-“If you didn’t snap at me, I wouldn’t learn anything.” Things I like to imagine my freelancers saying to me for $75, Alex.

-John Snow just said “Winter is coming.” Take a drink.

-“Ow! Cunt!” Best reaction to getting hit, via Arya.

-You have all of Arya Stark’s stuff, Arya Stark? Chuck it all in the river, then! Except the sword. Because power of Grayskull and all that.

-And now, learn how to be a coroner. Because reasons.

-Sansa must marry Ramsey Bolton, which is such an awful name you know he sucks.

-John Snow names archrival Alistair his first ranger, then deals with pissy bald dude by chopping his head off. That works.

-And now we have an old guy surrounded by (I presume) naked porn stars. And attacked by religious fundamentalists. You had my boner, then you lost it.

-Time for Cersei to investgate, and find the high sparrow. And HOLY SHIT it’s Jonathan Pryce. Who says enemies come up with names for you, like Lord Buckley, and King Turtle – split the difference to get Buttle, a Brazil reference.

-Whoah there, dead Frankenstein guy under sheet.

-Hey, finally some Dinklage this episode!

-Wait – so at this brothel, they have hookers who dress to look like Daenerys? This is officially the first big TV franchise I’ve ever seen to contain its own fan fiction.

Next week – a bunch of characters I cannot identify. And gold masks.

About Author

Luke Y. Thompson has been writing professionally about movies and pop-culture since 1999, and has also been an actor in some extremely cheap culty and horror movies you will probably never hear much about (he is nonetheless mostly proud of them, as he met his wife on one). As editor of The Robot's Voice since 2012, he can take the blame for the majority of the site's content, all of which he creates because he loves you very, very much. (Although he loves nachos more. Sorry.) Prior to TRV, Luke wrote for publications that include the New Times LA, Los Angeles CityBeat, E! Online, OC Weekly, Geekweek, GeekChicDaily, The L.A. Times, The Village Voice, LA Weekly, and Nerdist