Fast Food Review: Every Item on the Denny’s “Slamt4stic Four” Menu

When asked, director Josh Trank has said that his take on the Fantastic Four in the upcoming movie is based on the notion of “body horror.” So it makes total sense that the promotional tie-ins would feature food items likely to induce fear in the casual, non-American diner – not just fear of indigestion, but fear of Mass Waistline Destruction.

Enter me.

That’s not some stage direction. That’s a command I gave the food on Denny’s menu once I saw it. ENTER ME! Also, some of you asked me to try it so you could satisfy both your curiosity and your cardiologist by living vicariously. It’s belly clobberin’ time!

Each team member has their own designated item, so we’ll take them one at a time. First up is the drink for the entire group, the Fantastic Four-Fruit Smoothie.

It really ought to be blue, which is the team color – but since the movie uniforms seem to be mostly ignoring that rule, Denny’s can too. Nobody on the team is pink, but so what – the smoothie contains nonfat yogurt, bananas, blueberries, pomegranates and raspberries. Let’s see – a banana’s long and thin, like Reed Richards; a pomegranate has a tough exterior like Ben Grimm; a raspberry is what Michael B. Jordan blows to people mad at his casting; and a blueberry is so small as to barely be visible on a plate. Total stretch, but this is a tasty shake. And with its reasonably healthy ingredients, possibly the only thing on the menu a real-life FF would actually consume.

The Fantastic Four -Cheese Omelette is Mr. Fantastic’s dish. I should note that I did not eat every item at once, but rather took Julia out to lunch twice with Denny’s gift cards.

She took most of the hit on this one, described as “Three-egg omelette stuffed with melted Cheddar, Swiss, Mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses, fresh spinach, diced bacon, onions and mushrooms tossed in a blend of sun-dried tomatoes and herbs.” If you know your cheap restaurant code, you might have already figured out that “diced bacon” is code for “Bacon Bits.” This was confusing to Julia, who expected proper bacon, and thought they’d put chorizo in there too. She liked it okay, but I was less than impressed at my taste – the “four-cheese blend” hadn’t sufficiently melted and was a rubbery lump rather than the hot liquid you’d hope for. I mean, it tasted stretchy, so maybe it was appropriate.

The Human Torch Skillet looked about like what I usually order at Denny’s anyway, so I was more than happy to try it.

Yes, I enhanced the image by strategically relocating one of the jalapenos, emphasizing the already extant “smiley face” construction. Ethics in processed-food journalism, y’all. #NotYourStomach

Here’s the menu talking: “A hearty breakfast sausage with seasoned red-skinned potatoes, saut?ed mushrooms, fire-roasted bell peppers and onions, jalape?os and freshly made pico de gallo served on a sizzlin’ hot skillet. Topped with our new spicy five pepper sauce, Pepper Jack queso and two eggs cooked to order.”

Nothing not to like there. The sausage was a typical breakfast sausage, big and porky. The five-pepper sauce and white queso alone were probably gringo-strength, but combined they kicked a little ass and gave this thing a burn, which might be a subtle point about teamwork and family as epitomized by a certain super-team, but that was probably an accident.

The white queso was weird because it totally looks like sour cream, but it’s hot. Nonetheless a welcome counter to the rubber cheese in the omelette. Also worthy of note: this is a bigger, more filling skillet than the standard Denny’s version. For the superheroic appetite of a guy who burns off calories flying around on fire…or a fatass blogger who sits around on his computer all day making jokes about pony semen jars.

Which is to say I would order it again. And hope to.

The Invisible Woman Slam, I think, would cause Kate Mara’s stomach to burst if she had to eat the whole thing.

How the hell are you gonna be invisible once you down “Two buttermilk pancakes cooked with blueberries. Topped with fresh strawberries, banana slices and drizzled with a clear citrus glaze. Served with two eggs cooked to order, two bacon strips or two sausage links and hash browns”? People will see you. People will smell you. Hollywood actresses can live off this meal for a week.

Except the keepin’ it real kind. Like my wife.

We ate this item on the Fourth of July, so it was nice that the fruit pancake was basically red, white and blue. Can’t say I noticed a citrus flavor to the glaze, myself. I do like blueberry pancakes, and again, I make a logical leap if they have any relation to the standard FF BLUE costume being BURIED in the movie. Probably not.

But now it’s time for your main event, folks. Let’s show you, once again, the Thing Burger.

Ben Grimm is perhaps the most famously Jewish superhero of all time, unless you count Moses and Elijah as such. So it makes total sense – not – that his menu item would be a bacon cheeseburger, violating almost every kosher rule there is. It lacks ham-infused shrimp, but otherwise…

Seriously, props to Denny’s for making a burger even Carl’s Jr. might hold back from unleashing. It’s a bacon cheeseburger on a cheese bun – meant to look like Ben’s orange, rocky skin – with a fried egg, hash browns and “Thing sauce.”

Let’s reiterate – between two rock-hard lookin’ buns, we shove our pork product and infuse a heavy squirt of Thing Sauce. And even throw in breakfast to make things go down easier.

I did without the bacon – really, you don’t need it here. And honestly? This Thing-thing, however frightening, was damn delicious. I loved it. It held together fairly well (some thanks to a toothpick), with the only spurt being the busting of the yolk, though you can have the egg over-easy or scrambled if you like. I hope, hope, hope that this represents Jamie Bell in the movie – a frightening prospect whose flavor actually goes down easily in the end…oh shit, that can be read sexually, can’t it?

I did not finish the whole burger – I stopped when I felt my arm tingling. But it was tasty. And Thing Sauce, by the way, is Thousand Island dressing without the pickle bits.

It is finally time for dessert, and the Dr. Doom Lava Cake. I think they made this wrong, given that the description specifies chocolate ice cream. It’s like a Michael B. Jordan casting complaint in reverse. And with food. And no history of systemic bigotry. Okay, so it’s not really much like it.

For movie fans, here is the good news: it’s “Dr. Doom Lava Cake.” NOT “Blogger Doom.” Not “Doom420LOL.” Doctor Doom. Considering this all had to be authorized by Fox, it gives me hope that the archvillain does indeed have at least a Ph.D. in the movie.

The lava aspect presumably comes from the lava in the alternate dimension the films’ characters travel to. Other than that, this makes no sense as an item, but what ya gonna do? It’s mostly a pretty sweet finish.

My main issue with it is a sauce on top that can best be described as “chocolate flavored,” rather than actual chocolate, but once you get to the liquefied hot, (presumably) flourless cake underneath, you’re good. Like most desirable guys, this dessert that’s cold and vanilla on the outside is warm and gushing and comforting when you really get to know it.

Unlike Doom, who if done right is an asshole. But who am I to argue canon if my stomach is being nicely treated with molten cake?

Such Fantastic Fourplay. My guts have been satiated by your brand, Fox – now convince me that my mind and sense of taste will be by the movie.

And the unthemed strawberry puppies don’t count.