Fear the Walking Dead Recap: Stuck in the Basement With You

We resorted to torture rather quickly. Let’s see what else happened, blow by blow…

-Ooh, we begin with a backwards flag. I’m sure that’s not portentous.

-“I can sell everything”…except the notion that I am not an asshole and should be set free.

-Damn, he really is an asshole. That was some Devil’s Advocate Pacino manipulation of Crying Guy. But he might also be the first black character on the show not to die almost immediately, which would be refreshing.

-Shorter Ofelia: “Bad troops bad troops, what’cha gonna do, what’cha gonna do cuz they won’t help you.”

-The show’s production designer is named Michael Bolton. Bwahahahaha. Ass clown.

-And it’s written by David Wiener. Huh huh.

-Is this family meeting being shot during real golden hour, or a fake, studio-created golden hour? Either way, should it actually be near-sunset outside at this point?

-If you can’t find a reason to show zombies, show some surgery, because blood.

-I can’t recall when I’ve last seen a character walk down a dark staircase with a flashlight in a horror story and been LESS scared.

-Oh shit! The secret El Salvadorian torture room!

-This is why the actual military would not draft Shawn Hatosy. He gives way more than his name, rank and serial number to hostiles without much prompting.

-“This is the only thing they understand.” Yes, the military understand people who hide in basements and take their men hostages. But you’re not going to like how they deal with it.

-“Skinbags.” I think we need a sleepy Harrison Ford narration here to explain that that’s a racist slur against zombies.

-“I can do anything I want. I got guns.” USA! USA!

-This is the worst encounter with a potential father-in-law ever. But at least we got a tiny bit of exposition explaining why the troops act like scared kids.

-No, don’t put your eye right flush with the sight, gun rookie! You’ll get a black eye!

-Well, good thing for his vision that he didn’t fire, I guess.

-I’m starting to appreciate how smart Rick Grimes actually was to figure things out so quickly.

-Is Salazar basically just saying “This will hurt me more than hurts you” in about 200 more words?

-Is that a broad Southern accent I hear? It’s about time.

-And now this show has briefly turned into The Bling Ring, but it’s okay, because nobody saw that.

-Anyone with a fever has to be extracted? But what if the only prescription is more cowbell?

-So…why does devilish black dude want Nick to stay safe? Guessing it’s because he sees somebody he can potentially control and exploit.

-“I got a new mission. Operation Gettin’ My Ass Back to San Diego.” Don’t be oblique – tell us how you really feel.

–FtWD executive: “Hey, remember how LOST had a sympathetic ethnic character who was an ex-torturer? Do that.”

-Now fake Southern girl looks and sounds more like a fake Kat Dennings. I don’t know what to believe.

-Yeah! YEAH! Break stuff. Breaking stuff is cool. Now DO IT, dammit!

-Here comes the cliffhanger…BOOM! Evac and extermination at 9 a.m.

-“I obligated you.” Aha. Called it.

-Wait. Nick has talents?

-Well, at least Zombie Griselda will be missing a foot, so she’ll be easier to run from. Or you could use the cattle stun gun. That works.

-The hell? Did Salazar walk to the Great Western Forum in Inglewood just to get a good look? One more episode to get everyone out of LA now, I guess.

And then what? What would you like to see next?