Blu-ray Today: You Can Probably Hang On To Your Money


Credit: Hulu

Seriously. This week’s big release is How to Sex Your Dragon. Give your wallet the week off.

Dragonar Academy – The show Kotaku called “fanservice schlock” comes to Blu-ray this week, and it sounds pretty awful. Ash but not the one from Pokemon is having trouble becoming a hero at his dragon riding school, and his dragon turns out is actually a sexy lady and presumably shouts at him a ton. Sounds awful, but that’s not really why we’re here right now. We’re here because I have a problem: the logo on the box art looked an awful lot like Downton Abbey‘s logo, and I got really excited for a minute that we were going to get an anime adaptation of that ridiculous show. Someday. :sigh:

American UltraLex Luthor and Bella have to fight off mysterious government assassins, which makes no sense because he’s a wicked pothead. This is another one that seems ridiculous and not like something I’d enjoy, but for two things: one, after Superman: American Alien, I’ll give a Max Landis-penned movie a shot; and two, I love how Topher Grace is settling into Paul Reiser-in-Aliens territory, where he’s playing menschy-seeming secret scumbags.

A Christmas Horror StoryNot to “um actually” promo copy, but um, it sounds like this is actually three Christmas horror stories. Or I guess four – it’s an anthology-ish movie set in the same town as Ginger Snaps, and horrible things happen to three groups of people, while at the North Pole, Santa fights off Rage Virus-infected elves and then uses his Christmas Bo Staff to hold off the Krampus. I started out making fun of this in my head but now I really want to watch it.

Scorpions: Forever and a Day One of the most elaborate pieces of torture porn ever filmed, this movie is about a man covered in scorpions, waiting for his slow, painful death. Wait, scratch that. One of the most elaborate pieces of torture porn ever filmed, this movie is a documentary about The Scorpions’ latest tour.