The 8 Most Preposterous Movie Computer Moments

8) Antitrust

If you’re a die-hard Law and Order fan, you’ve seen this one more than once. When you zoom in on a photo, it does not get clearer, it gets more pixillated. So the code for that sweet, sweet program you want to get off programmer’s computer screen by zooming in via the crap 72 dpi overhead security camera? Not gonna get it, douche.

7) Weird Science

If any dude could create the girl of his dreams by entering Playboy-esque measurements into a pre-Photoshop wire grid, scanning in a bunch of photos of hot chicks – you know, for reference, in case the computer had never seen a sexy lady before – and strapping a bra to his head, we’d be hip deep in…actually, thanks to anime and To Catch a Predator, probably nubile prepubescent girls. Ugh.

6) Independence Day

When Jeff Goldblum (in what was clearly the winning move in his campaign to represent Apple in endearing Goldblum stutters for years to come) first hacked into the alien spaceship with his PowerBook, Slushees spurted out of geek noses in theaters across America. Call us crazy, but we find it highly unlikely an alien civilization warped across the galaxy with spaceships that ran on a Mac OS or came equipped with a parallel port. Either Steve Jobs paid a pretty penny for that one, or the aliens were Mac user and Jobs is actually one of those aliens in disguise, which would admittedly explain a lot.

5) Swordfish

The first mistake was expecting anyone to believe Hugh Jackman even knows how to read email. The second was, well, everything else. Let’s just pick using AutoCAD to create a worm. That’s like using Photoshop to check your bank balance. Also, the day a hacker can drop a logic bomb through their trapdoor while getting a blowjob is the day Tom Cruise walks past a hot dude and doesn’t do Katie from behind that night.

4) Firewall

Oh, Harrison Ford, even your rugged, elderly face must have had difficulty delivering lines about how you were going to use your daughter’s iPod to record account numbers by using it as a hard drive for the scanner that you TAPED TO THE COMPUTER SCREEN. Does that scanner cord go in the earphone jack? Maybe the magic to scan something that emits light will be included in the next iPod update.

3) The Net

The old adage goes that if Sandra Bullock says yes to it, the film is doomed, and The Net was no exception. Maybe a hacker could mess with your lease if, say, it was housed on the Internet. But no matter how good your hack is, it can’t shred the original document and erase the memory of the cranky landlord who knocks on your door the first of every month for the rent. Also, if a computer is not connected to anything, not even God’s hack is going to get you in there.

2) Johnny Mnemonic

In the future of data couriers, Johnny’s wetware allows him 80 gigs of storage. Uh, really? Even four-year-old computers have more than that on a space much smaller than the back of Keanu’s head. Also, the last time you tried to burn too much porn onto a disc, it probably didn’t just let you and then leak the extra all over your collection.

1) Hackers

Even Angelina Jolie’s panties could not distract nerds from this movie’s non-stop cavalcade of magical computers that could hack sprinkler systems and unnecessary 3-D sequences. But the climactic mind-boggler was when the adorable rag-tag team banded together to crack into the evil Fisher Stevens’ system USING PUBLIC PAYPHONES. Do you remember how slow a modem goes? Some of you might be too young to remember. They could have been typing by selectively pissing on the keyboard and they still would have been standing there waiting for their programs to load when the police came to haul them away for gross stupidity.

Super Terrific Japanese Thing: Kiss Transporter

For the record ,”Kiss Transporter” isn’t the actual name of this Japanese invention, which supposedly allows one person to “kiss” one device and have the other device replicate the “kiss” allowing two people in two separate locations to “kiss” — it doesn’t appear to have a name yet, so I made one up. If you’ve noticed that I keep putting the word “kiss” in quotations marks, it’s because I have the tiniest of doubts that the device actually works. Oh, I don’t doubt the machines can wirelessly relay information to each other, of course; I mean that I don’t believe that this thing is even close to an actual kiss. Unless, I suppose, your partner has a small, bent plastic tube for a tongue, and no lips or teeth. In which case kissing this device is still probably far less creepy than the real thing. (Via TokyoMango)

The Dilemma of the Edible Water Bottle

h/t Gallen_Dugall

Ask Luke’s Mother-in-Law: Cannibalism, Jack Webb and Captain America

Gene H.:
Does Steve Rogers [Captain America] get 70 years of back pay from the military?
Also, should he have been promoted above Captain by now?

Please! The military is the government – do you really think they are going to pay anyone an extra dime? Military personnel live pretty much at the poverty line as it is today. I don’t know how many people I know that are in the service and collect food stamps – it is a real shame that a person who is willing to fight for our freedom has to get food stamps to feed their family.

As far as the promotion goes, yes , but if he is anything like my husband, rank went up and down depending on his creative trouble that he was in. John used to always say he kept his stripes on with velcro.

Lea B:
Doesn’t my work office Arya Stark pop figure seem like she will get lonely by herself? Shouldn’t I get the Donatello from Ninja Turtles and Fiona and Gunther from Adventure Time ones I was eyeballing online so they can all be friends and have adventures? That’s a perfectly reasonable excuse to spend money, right?

Most certainly, I agree. We would not want a lonely figure. I don’t have just 1 of the figures I collect, I have whole collections. They keep each other company quite nicely.

Lea B:
If birds suddenly appear, every time you are near, why the hell is that supposed to be romantic? What about bird flu?

Yeah, I never got that either even though that was my favorite Carpenters song. Birds suddenly appearing makes me think of the Hitchcock movie The Birds. Also think of all the droppings – what a mess!

Kyle A:
Why can’t we put Baby in the corner?

I don’t see why we can’t. Of course how old is this baby? Also what did it do so we would need to give it a time out?

hyalopterouslemur:
What if the cat is both inside the box and outside the box? (And cats hate that quantum mechanics question as much as you do.)

Then you have a hole in the box or maybe no lid so it is half in and half out draped over the edge – duh. My cats do that all of the time.

GallenDugall:
QUESTION! Have you ever purchased a present for someone and then after giving to them decided that it wasn’t a very good gift? If so what do you do in those situations?

Well herein lies the problem: you already gave it to them. You need to decide these things before the gift is given so you have time to return and get something different. Maybe in your opinion it was not a good gift, but maybe the person receiving the gift likes it and after all it is the thought that counts. If they really don’t like it they will return it or re-gift, but hopefully they are gracious and just say thank you. If it really bothers you – go buy something else, surprise them with a second gift and say it was held up in the mail.

Rx79immigrant84:
Dear LYT’s mom,
I have a question about time management. There are a lot of things I like to do during my free time but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. Currently I am trying to keep up with 5 animes, 5 comics from DC, 6 comics from Marvel, a couple tv shows to catch up or start watching, couple of video games to play, and a lego set to build. Is there a way for me to accomplish all of this or should I just start getting rid of stuff

Do you also hold a real job, or go to school full time? For most people that would be way too much to cram into the few hours a day that most have as free time. At least once you built the Lego it will be done. Perhaps you can devote 30 to 60 min each day on 1 of each item and no more. If that does not work then yes, you need to drop a few of these items. I know I don’t have much free time as I start working most days about 5 a.m. and finish about 8 p.m. I have my own business, so that takes most of my time.

For fun I give lame advice, which is what I love to do especially since my daughter grew up (I still tell her what to do from time to time).

doctor_mindbender:
Dear LYT’s Mother in Law:
Thank you for answering my question about Jack Webb’s various TV shows.
On Adam-12 who do you think is hotter, Reed or Malloy?

Reed is very cute, but married. It is hard enough being a cop without someone butting into a marriage. Trust me, there are a lot of women who toss themselves at cops. But I was always partial to Malloy. One of my partner officers in LA was very much like Pete. Pete was very down to earth, practical and also good looking both in uniform and street clothes.

latigid:
Question
if alien life came to our world or at least was communicating in some way telepathically but with animals or plants and had no interest in us at all and so through this communication in time they try to advance certain species 2001 style do you think we would welcome these new intelligent beings and try to make a society together and eventually both becoming star-child space babies or would it lead to some war or them just advancing beyond us and leaving the planet or becoming star-child beings on their own

Well, as I am the human mom of several alien animals, I can see why they would prefer to just speak with other animals. Humans are boring, stubborn and many of them are downright nasty. I don’t think the animal aliens would be dumb enough again to advance things like in 2001 – the ape thing to human I think has gone about as far and it can and it is pretty much a mess. I think they will just stay and observe.

GallenDugall:
QUESTION! In a hypothetical situation where cannibalism became necessary what part of the human body would you start with and how would you cook it?

Well, I don’t like liver in any format so would most likely leave the interior to last. So I guess I would have to start with things like legs; lots of meat on the thigh bones. If we are at cannibalism I would guess that we don’t have much in the way of cooking things except maybe a BBQ, and roasting.

GallenDugall:
QUESTION! Is it true that people don’t intend to be obnoxious or rude but it’s just that they’re all screwed up inside? Or are some people just evil?

Well, it could be both. I know some people that are just screwed up, primarily from how they were raised. They never learned or were taught self control. I have also met some just truly evil people. I think the evil ones are the worst – very hard to retrain. The screwed up ones you at least can have a change to reprogram.

Well, friends, that is it for this week. Time to go and starting thinking about what to cook for dinner. Thinking pasta and chicken with lots of olive oil. As always be good to each other the rest of the week. Huggs.

If you’d like to add your questions to the pile for Luke’s mother-in-law, leave them in comments below.

Also, be sure to check out her previous columns.