Movies, Toys

The G.I. Joe Movie Is Going to Be Awesome (Updated)

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Update: Paramount just called my bosses and told me to take down the pic of Storm Shadow (his sneakers) and Baroness. The photo is all over the internet so I assumed it had been cleared sometime in the last 8 months. Apparently not. So sorry!

I’ve made my thoughts on the live-action G.I. Joe movie known in the past. So you might be surprised when I saw I’m shutting up–momentarily–because I have no evidence myself, and no way to corroborate what you’re about to read, and I only like to rant when I have hard evidence (or think I have hard evidence, at least) to back me up. But Jason Nicholl of Nukethefridge.com says he saw the trailer for G.I. Joe, and–be ready to be shocked–it was not good.

The trailer begins with some jets zooming by and dropping some
bombs.  Then we see Dennis Quaid as Hawk talking to members of a new
elite fighting force he says has been put together to fight terrorism. 
We see a couple of terrorist attacks, some G.I. Joe guys dressed like
Snake Eyes jumping out of a plane, and the Eiffel tower being toppled
by what looks like some green ooze.  Next we see some quick shots of a
number of characters like Scarlett, Channing Tatum’s Duke on a
motorcycle, Sienna Miller as the Baroness sliding down a staircase
railing, and a quick shot of Snake Eyes and Stormshadow fighting. 

About the Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow fight…it looks about as bad as
a fight from the “Double Dragon” movie from the early 90’s.  Finally we
get another quick editing job of some action sequences that go by
really too quick to make anything out, and then finally there is this
really lame sequence featuring some horrible CG work, as a couple of
rockets are launched at some Joes dressed again to look like Snake
Eyes.  They do this dive / twirl through mid air where they some how
avoid the rockets as they swirl by.  The “G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra”
title appears on screen followed by “Summer 2009.” 

In all the trailer
was about a minute long.  I was told they are testing the trailer for
debut as a possible Super Bowl commercial.   There was no footage of
Destro, Zartan, or Cobra Commander.  More than likely because they look
so bad, based on the above described footage.  From the trailer, it
looks like this is going to be a horrible movie. 

Again, no idea if this is true, but I thought it worth sharing. Given the addition of those terrible “speed suits” in lieu of vehicles–and the fact that Storm Shadow will APPARENTLY BE WEARING WHITE LACE-UP SNEAKERS–I don’t see any reason to doubt this. Still, I’ll wait until I see the trailer myself before I post my rant. And I will drink. Heavily. (Via IESB)

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.