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Least Terrifying SF/Fantasy Movie Villain: And the Winner Is…


108? Seriously? 108 comments? This getting insane, people. While I’m pleased, I can’t help but wonder where 90% of these commenters are during the other articles I post on TR! What, you think stories about He-Man toys don’t get lonely? They do, and when I only have 4 comments on that artice and over 100 for the TR contest, I can’t help but feel you only love me for my pile of free t-shirts. Greedy bastards.

First of all, to all of you who said David Bowie from Labyrinth–if you aren’t terrified by his prominently placed package, then there’s something hideously wrong with you. Now for the runners up:
? Lucy, for calling the villain from the kangaroo-ridden Warriors of Virtue “an Alzheimer’s-ridden hobo”
? Anybot for noting Jareth’s junk “follows you no matter where you stand in relation to the screen” (It’s true! Terrifying!)
? Ben, for pointing out Schwarzenegger’s puns as Mr. Freeze were genuinely horrifying
? Evil Monkey Pope for pointing out Ghost Rider‘s Satan’s incredible laziness
? Aaron Alvarez’s awesome description of Lord Zedd’s fucked-up plan to destroy the Power Rangers
? mrgnexus’s summary of Star Trek 6: “Everything else was dull setup for an extended (and boring) trip
through the “Happy Place” where it’s Christmas every day and everyone
you’ve ever loved is riding carousels, frying ugly-ass eggs, and
chopping wood”
? satur8’s awesome but not-technically-on-topic portrayal of Luke Skywalker as the galaxy’s greatest villain (definitely check it out)
? Matt S.’s screed on the Dredge from Titan A.E.
? Elrond, although Paul Reiser terrifies me to no end
? Strangeman’s excellent essay on the gamma-poodle from Hulk
? Starman Matt Morrison, because I love Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
? Zerocorpse, for “Callisto from Xena: Warrior Princess – A beautiful, toned, half-naked lesbian. Ooh. I’m shuddering.”

zardoz-head.jpg
But the winner is McTool, and this guy:

That is Zardoz. He speaks in a loud booming voice. He actually has a
colony of people in cryostasis inside of him. He is operated by one
person, Wizard of Oz-style (and in fact, this is where he gets his name
from). And yet he manages to terrify an entire group of people into
doing exactly what he wants: Natural Selection at hyperspeed. Zardoz
manages to coerce a group of people (the “Exterminators”) into wiping
out the other people (the “Brutals”), while other people (the
“Eternals”) sit around and enjoy tea.

Did he terrify me? God, no. Did you see that picture? What? That
might be slightly terrifying, you say, if you were a child in 1974 and
were also a total wuss? Well, I guess. Maybe he wouldn’t be terrifying
if he didn’t, you know, throw up guns and ammunition. And also sit
around long enough with his mouth open to easily be walked into (which
happens, naturally). I mean, honestly.

So his powers are limited to a loud voice, and he vomits the means of his own destruction? Check and mate. Besides, it’s never a good sign when your hero is infinitely more terrifying than your villain–and don’t hint that link if you’re scared of Jareth.

Hmm. Jareth versus Zed. The battle of the bulges! Now there’s a fan fiction that would terrifying everyone into being either really, really gay, or really, really straight. I’m not sure which.