Most Hated Videogame Ending: And the Winner Is…

Yes… yes. Good! Let the hate flow through you. Goddamn but you guys have been burned by videogames. Usually it was the single “Congratulations” screen after god knows how many hours of playing and screaming and boredom, but there are certainly a few folks who deserve to be called out. Sadly, there are a ton of people with great entries who can’t be boiled down to pithy little quotes, so please, go check ’em all out. Meanwhile, here are just a few of the gems:

? lou-bert vs. q-bert, for the hilariously misogynistic “No matter how much that bitch eats, [Ms. Pac-Man] never gets full.”
? Unpwn Producer for “Why is Mario dreaming that he can be a princess?”
? Possible Misnomer for the phrase ” Extreme underwhelmance”
? Merle, for “Not only was it crushingly disappointing but it also made me feel bad that I didn’t have anyone to play with.”
? T-Mac, for “If the princess had such a death-blow kick, how did she get kidnapped in the first place?”
? JPyke, for “I’ve got a fucking Conference Room bitches! Sure it may not be
functional, or even fun, but with a little imagination I could pretend
to hold budget meetings, conference calls, or even a Friday Potluck to
celebrate birthdays for the month of March!”
? Adam, for likening Ocarina of Time to “Seriously it’s like getting married, you trade in your dignity, and get
nothing in return but time to kill until you die miserable and alone.”
? KevinGarcia, for “For some inane reason, that dwarf has haunted me dreams. What does he
want from me? How have I disappointed him? Why won’t he leave me and my
two princesses alone!?”
? ZeroCorpse, for learning just like I did there’s no point to playing Adventure on anything but the easiest setting
? pumpkinguts for looking on the bright side of MGS2
? Alex, for teaching me death can strike at any time in Harvest Moon
? Troa Axaltion, who would have won had he posted before the deadline
? Lily412 for “Yuna rides off into the sunset, being not-at-all pissed that she just
wasted months of her life. She goes back to being the
equivalent of a railroad hobo, tagging along with her ditzy cousin until
she finds her next imaginary man-friend that will make her feel
fulfilled since she never died as a summoner. Or something.”


Again, these are just a few of the great entires that I could easily summarize. But the winner is another Adam, for relating the excessively creepy denouement to Namco’s Tales of Legendia, which is FFF-worthy in its way.

The story starts off pretty normal. There’s a brother and a sister,
Senel and Shirley …
Basically, everybody in the game wants to kidnap Shirley (and pretty
much everybody in the game does kidnap her, at some point, since her
brother Senel is too dumb to just keep Shirley on a fucking leash)…

When things go wrong is when Senel meets his old girlfriend, Stella, [who]sacrifices herself to save everyone and immediately
dies. …In a moment of astonishing stupidity and insensitivity, Shirley chooses
this precise moment to confess her love for Senel, her goddamn brother
(I don’t care that they aren’t blood-related, it’s still sick!). Now,
because Senel is still grieving, he understandably rejects his sister’s
advances like a brother should.

It is an incredible understatement to say that Shirley takes her rejection badly. She is so upset that her brother
didn’t want her that she decides to destroy the world. Not allowed to
fuck your brother and have a creepy incest relationship? Then you might
as well fuck the whole world and kill everybody. … And here’s where the game pissed on me with a gallon of boiling urine. It waited until the very end before unleashing horror:

You don’t actually kill Shirley. She’s a mega-bitch who’s willing to kill everybody
if she can’t screw her brother, but at the last second she becomes
“good” again. All the characters in your party (all of whom were almost
killed by Shirley!) instantly forgive Shirley and everybody is
happy (and it made me angry that they were all happy because I was
pissed off).

Worst of all, Senel “comes to his senses” and realizes that he loves Shirley, too, and he
decides that incest is best after all and that he should put his sister
to the test. What the fuck?! … Did they not
realize that there was another girl in your party that’s a lot better
developed (and a lot less psychotic) than Shirley that also likes
Senel? Why did they advocate incest?! I don’t get it.

It was horrifically hard to pick this week’s winner, so please, forgive me if you disagree (and for all your Rampage fans, who have already suffered so much).