The 8 Reasons the Power Rangers Are Dicks

By Caleb Goellner

You don’t have to be nice to save the world. From the day five “teens with attitude” were mightily morphed into the Power Rangers more than 15 years ago, cocky super powered jerks have continued a legacy of monster slaying and poor personal conduct. Up front, the Rangers may seem to be upstanding community members with good grades, good looks and excellent physical fitness. However, this charade conceals a darker, far more interesting Ranger trait of basic pettiness, laziness and even complacency. Such behavior is introduced subtly, almost subliminally, over the course of many series, but there’s no doubt the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers are really just dicks.

8) They Often Reinforce Gender Stereotypes

Why do the most feminine Power Rangers automatically come equipped with skirts? Being an alien wizard dude trapped in a glass cylinder, perhaps Zordon wasn’t aware of feminist views or gender roles. But that isn’t really likely considering that, according to most sci-fi trends, alien dudes love human women. When will the interspecies male oppression end?

7) They Totally Sold Out

Don’t be fooled by the Power Rangers’ stoic do-gooder act. Nothing makes them happier than cashing in on their fans. Nobody could fault them for releasing a t-shirt here or an action figure there, but in their quest to flood the market with crappy merchandise, they quickly reached the highest accolade of selling out: a McDonalds promotion. What kind of promotion? Why, it’s pogs! But let’s not call them pogs, let’s call them “power discs,” so we can politely reward children for terrible eating habits with trinkets nobody will remember. The least they could’ve done was include a slammer. How are hamburger-filled children supposed to flip power discs without one (without looking poor and using quarters)?

6) They’re Horny Terrorists

The Power Rangers: Jungle Fury team was constantly threatened by the fire the resident bossy blonde inspired in the loins of her male pals. As shown, the petty rivalry between the boys on the team can only be subdued by her even pettier condescending remarks, “C’mon guys, we’re in charge of protecting the world here – this isn’t the prom! Work it out!” Right she may be, but has the team resolved its differences, or did they simply agree to disagree with a terrorist fist jab?

5) They Totally Fucked Over the Ninja Turtles

No matter how much a crossover character helps them out, the Rangers can’t resist turning their noses up at a team-up. Sure, when the chips are down, help is welcome, but the second a fight is over you know they start talking some mad shit. Take the Power Rangers in Space. When the Ninja Turtles show up under a villain’s mind control, they don’t hesitate to start punching the ugly freaks in the teeth. After the misunderstanding is resolved and the two teams have thwarted evil, Leonardo extends his hand in friendship to the Red Ranger. The jerk takes his sweet time accepting it, probably wondering if he’s got any hand sanitizer in his Zord for later. Even worse is when the turtles invite the Rangers to come visit them in their sewer lair. Clearly disgusted by the suggestion, the ladies of the group sneer and sarcastically reply, “sure….” Lastly, when the fun-loving mutants ask for one last favor, which is to surf through space on the Rangers’ rocket boards, the team gladly complies. Problem is, they don’t give them any protection. That’s right, the Rangers presumably condemn the turtles to death by launching them into the harshness of space without so much as a breathing apparatus. That’s harsh bros.

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4) They Have Zero Self-Control

Rocky likes to appear as a studious, athletic, all-American boy, but put a pachinko machine in front of him and his true nature rises to the surface. Once his juice bar gets a new game, Rocky shirks all of his responsibilities and ultimately befriends the game itself when it comes to life and starts smacking around his pals. Some might argue that it was Lord Zed’s spell that turned Rocky into a sociopathic and hilarious junkie, but nobody could so joyfully kick their friends around in pachinko ball form without really wanting to deep down.

3) They Often Die and Don’t Tell Anyone

A constant source of inspiration for the troubled youth of the early ’90s, the MMPRs would cap each of their adventures with an upbeat message similar to the PSA’s at the end of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. In this particular message, an untalented basketballer begins to lose hope as his skills on the court don’t seem to improve despite his constant practice. With a little help from the force ghosts of the male Rangers, he gains the confidence he needs to not lob basketballs into bushes, instantly winning the respect of the kids who taunted him the day before. This is great news for the kid, but the pale glowing figures of the white, red and black Rangers make for some startling implications. These guys died? AND they were Jedi? Weiiiiird!

2) They’re Completely Hypocritical

The Rangers love to bitch when they’re picking up trash in the countryside. “What kind of people just dump their trash like this?” they moan. Apparently, they’ve completely forgotten about the city they level every week without so much as picking up a broom to help clean up. Or maybe it’s that forest they’re always burning down when their villains erupt in a ball of spark and flame? Whatever the case, they’ve definitely identified the kind of people who just dump their trash without thinking. It’s just different when that trash is charred alien remains or skyscraper rubble.

1) They’ve Caused Billions in Property Damage and Cost God Knows How Many Innocent Lives

Thanks to the narcissistic Mighty Morphers, Angel Grove residents have the highest insurance rates and lowest life expectancy of any population worldwide. It’s just a fact of life when every day is a Godzilla attack topped off with Gundam scuffle. People should move away, but it’s hard to leave when the Rangers seem to quickly vanquish so many of their foes on the outskirts of the city with no collateral damage. That’s why it always comes as a surprise each time the Rangers barge into the heart of downtown to wage their most epic battles. As shown in their battle against Frankenstein *ahem* Frankenstein’s monster, there’s a whole lot of smashing going on. Surely they’re capable of drawing destruction away from a populace so easily crushed by giant robotic feet. They have to know innocent people die by the hundreds every time the Megazord flops onto a high-rise, right? You bet your leotards they know. The drama queens just can’t go without the attention that comes with self-righteously destroying their hometown.