Best Toy They Never Made: And the Winner Is…

It’s a shame I don’t run the toy industry, because after this contest, I think I’d have all the ideas I’d ever need. I have two groups of Honorable Mentions this week; the first is just great ideas from folks, including Predator (the soldiers), G1 Arcee, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Calvin & Hobbes and Bloom County (goddamn I’d kill a man for these), The Venture Bros., League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Super Smash Bros. and/or a legitimate Mario Bros. toyline, a 6-inch Monty Python line, MST3K and Dr. McNinja. Now here are the extra honorable mentions who had good soundbites or went above and beyond:

? Ahriman and everyone who suggested  a Hunter S Thompson figurine. “Think of the acessories: Cigarette holder,
shades, acapulco shirt, briefcase full of drugs (Samoan attorney sold separately)”
? Mr. Awesome for the Boy’s Easy Bake Oven: “Instead of
easily baking cookies, how about easily making wine, or scotch , or gin from water…”
? ThatCostumeGirl for Firefly’s Kaylee: “Who would you rather your GI Joes got it on
with: Barbie or a super cute and sexually bold spaceship mechanic? I
think she and Lady Jaye would get on well.” TCG, you had me at “sexually bold.”
? Wicketboo for Blade Runner: “My sisters Ken doll lost his cloths so my twelve inch Han could go hunt replicants.”
? Beans Baxter, for his amazing BttF Hoverboard saga
? The Great A’Tuin’s insane rock star line: “JONATHAN COULTON RAILING THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF PRINCESS LEIA! (Railing here being a slang term for fucking)”
? Tomb, for the obvious “A Warren Ellis doll with a t-shirt saying ‘Warren Ellis made tender,
passionate love to my childhoods, and he had an enormous dick.'”
? Matt, for the incredible Codpiece
? Liam, for Dune‘s Sandworms: “Herd of wild My Little Ponies cluttering up your sandbox? Not in my
fucking backyard they’re not. Also, they poop edible Spice.”
? Monkey boy for Wu-Tang Clan figures: “All proceeds from the sale of the toys could go to the many, many children of the late ODB himself.”
? My good friend Almighty Dave, who speaks directly to my heart with I Claudius/ Sci-fi Flick two-packs: “Dual-action Augustus / Vultan figure, with optional speech module –
pull the string and he alternates between bellowing ‘Quinctilius Varus,
WHERE ARE MY EAGLES?’ and ‘Hawk-Men, DIVE!'”


And now the unlikely winner, courtesy of Onanrulz:

No one else is gonna say it, so I will: Law & Order Action Figures.
I mean, you’ve got such a huge cast to pull from, and you can
mix-and-match partners. Ever wanted to see that Elliot Stabler/Mike
Logan team-up that never will be? Put them in the squad car and drive
them around so they can punch homophobes and child-rapists with their
ripcord-action! Get the courtroom playset with jury included and thrill
as they deliver a random verdict at the push of a button! Put your
other action figures on trial, and let Jack McCoy cross-examine Prince
Adam for embezzling funds from the Eternian treasury, or put Destro on
the stand to testify against Cobra Commander for probation plus time

Fuck and yes. Although Venture Bros. possibly makes more sense, the fact remains that more people actually voted for L&O figures than Venture Bros. (6 to 5), and another fact remains in that I fucking love Law & Order. Ms. Robot and I and my pals have often wished out loud for figures of Logan, Jack McCoy (with flocked eyebrows!) and most of all, Jerry Orbach as Lennie Briscoe (although I’d also be happy with a D.A. Adam Schiff, sitting bitterly at his desk with scotch). Plus, this way we could have Batman as a chase figure. DUNH DUNH!