I really, really didn’t want to post anything else about the Transformers movie today. But thanks to FilmDrunk, I have learned something so awful, so tragic about Revenge of the Fallen that I am grinding my teeth in anger and frustration. And shockingly, no, it’s Michael Bay’s bitchy little letter to Paramount how they’re not spending enough millions of dollars promoting RotF.
First, an appetizer of feces — a new clip from the movie, courtesy of TR reader Niall:
You know, I liked this movie a lot better when it was just Gremlins; I guess the Beef forgot to not feed his fucking kitchen appliances after midnight. On the plus side, I would have difficulty telling Gremlins and Transformers 2 apart, except for the fact that Transformers 3 will helpfully be racist. From Movieline:
There are two robots in the film called Mudflap and Skids, and despite
being red and green, respectively, they are voiced in a way that
clearly designates them to be the “black” robots. Also, Skids has a gold front tooth (no, I’m serious) and both cannot read.
Now, Movieline has seen the film. This is not a rumor, it’s not Bay’s stupid disinformation scheme — there are illiterate robots who speak in ebonics in the movie and one of them has a gold fucking tooth in Transformers 2. Do not compare this to Scatman Carothers voicing Jazz in the original cartoon. Scatman was a voice actor who happened to be black. His Performance was not a racist stereotype.
I cannot believe this is fucking happening. I cannot believe that in 2009 a man who makes these kinds of decisions is allowed to make movies at all, let alone have had a successful career. There’s more, of course including confirmation of Devastator’s testicles (so let’s pretending that’s a rumor). Also…
At one point, two characters are in Paris eating escargot and they’re
accosted by a mime because that’s all that happens in Paris, right?
Those two things? That and maybe the Eiffel Tower gets hit by something
Michael Bay can certainly film an explosion, but he’s never had an original fucking thought in his entire life. France! They have mimes and eat snails in France! Duhr! Goddammit, you could put a retarded 6-year-old who has never seen a movie before in a theater showing a Michael Bay movie, and he would still find it trite and cliche. Except when Bay’s too lazy to even do that.
Not to worry, though, because set amidst this stereotypical French
tableau is a highly conspicuous Budweiser bottle. In fact, the product
placement is so egregious and random in Fallen (for some reason, a huge
Planters peanuts can is placed smack in the middle of a garage floor
during one scene, because that’s where one usually keeps food — on the
floor with nothing around it in a huge garage)…
A can of peanuts in the middle of a garage. Something that would never happen naturally, that no human being on Earth would ever do, except Michael Bay for the purposes of product placement. Because he doesn’t give a shit and can’t fire enough synapses to even understand that food should probably be in fucking kitchen.
Bayformers apologists, you may officially blow me. Despite my constant and incredibly justified knocking of all the shit going on with this film, I was prepared to try and keep an open mind about the movie when I review it this week. I was going to try to ignore the Transformers franchise itself and common sense and just watch it as a popcorn flick. No more. Because there’s the lowest common denominator, and below that is river of feces and vomit, and somewhere below that lie Michael Bay films. Because when Michael Bay makes films like this, he doesn’t just insult Transformers fans, he insults everybody.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.