Mr. T is awesome. This is a fact universally accepted and acknowledged. Unfortunately, “awesome” does not always pay the bills, so even Mr. T has had to lug around his plethora of gold chains and whore himself out to make ends meet (and/or buy more gold chains). Here now are five of the most awful Mr. T commercial moments. Sometimes, even those who aren’t fools need to be pitied.
5) Mr. T Cereal
I am sure that anyone in their late twenties-to-early thirties can remember the sickly sweet taste of Mr. T. cereal. Or, if you don’t, you at least remember Pee Wee Herman chowing down to a bowl of Mr. T. Cereal in his namesake movie, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. But really, what is up with this commercial? I realize everyone is animated because of the Mr. T cartoon show, but why is the animated Mr. T so unenthusiastic about his own cereal?
“Hey Mr. T, why should I eat this?” “It’s cool.” “Is it full of vitamins and minerals and stuff?” “It’s cool.” “No, really, my mom is concerned about nutrition and—” 98 “SHUT YOUR JIBBER-JABBER AND EAT IT!”
Also, how about that jingle? It’s like a Journey song if they weren’t really into singing that day. “One bite and you’re going to be eating with the team that’s teaming up with Mr T.” Those are some awesome lyrics. I mean the “the team” that is “teaming up?” Well, I would hope they would be “teaming up” considering they already in a “team.” Maybe they mean that the kids are in a “team” and they are becoming a “bigger team” with Mr. T, who is, in himself, a “team.” In fact, that’s what the “T” must stand for “Team” so his real name is “Mr. Team.” That’s what The A Team was really about, “Mr Team and the bunch of A’s.”
Some people like these commercials. Some people really like these commercials. I think these commercials are full of crazy. For one thing he is saying “Get some nuts!” I realize that he’s talking about Snickers, but really, did he have to say “Get some nuts” and then bite ferociously into a Snicker’s bar like it was a piece of delicious jerky? Then there’s the fact that he’s acting nuts. In one he’s careening through a neighborhood in a truck with a Nerf gatling gun, in the other, he’s destroying cars and public property in a tank, both times screaming at people like he’s Tom Cruise at a psychologist’s conference.
font style=”font-size: 1.25em;”>3) 1-800-COLLECT
Remember when there were 1-800-COLLECT commercials on all the time, non-stop, as if some sort of punishment for all of our sins? Apparently collect calls were a resource more valuable than gold. In this commercial, Mr. T is overpowered by children (apparently these are children from the planet Krypton) and buried up to his neck in sand (apparently the sand comes from Krypton) only to burst free from when an attractive lady puts herself in mortal danger of overpaying for a collect call. Would he have broken free if the lady was somehow less attractive? Well, being that it’s Mr. T and he likes to help people, then yes, he would have as one could easily become financially destitute if they paid too much for a collect call.
2) Hitachi Data Center Virtualization
Apparently Mr. T becomes the “T” in “IT” in this commercial, which makes him “Mr. Technology?” This commercial informs the viewer so much about Hitachi’s data center product as Mr. T fights a grown up, live-action, Stewie Griffin to save a bunch of Asian-Americans from zombie servitude. You know, because the Stewie Griffin character is…entropy…and the people are data or — yeah. Clear as a lump of coal covered in toner. I’m sure Mr. T read the script, sighed heavily and prepared to bash through a wall and shout in this horrible science-fiction-y advertisement that desperately needs Tom Servo and Crow next to you to shout back at.
Can we perhaps gather a collection around or set-up an online donation site specifically so Mr. T does not have to stoop to this level? Here you can see his soul leave his body as he promotes this device that cooks items in a container. You know, like all those other crap devices that are dumped upon the face of a weary public for only three easy payments of $39.95. Yet, Mr. T has to make it seem like this device IS THE MOST WONDERFUL DEVICE EVER INVENTED. “Look ma, I’m cookin!” He says with an apron, as if turning on this slapped-together piece of poop is really “cooking.” Is there a late night device to keep my heart from breaking after seeing Mr. T reduced to the lowest form of corporate whoring? Seriously. Collection plate.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.