Merchandise, Movies

Battle of the Insanely Awful Twilight Merchandise

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In this corner, standing 6-feet, 2-inches tall and costing $60…

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a life-size silhouette of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen! Yes, you too can imagine a 100-year-old teenager romantically breaking into your house to stare at you while you sleep! What could be more soothing than knowing a strange man who wants to drink your blood has total access to you when you’re utterly unaware and most vulnerable? I can’t even imagine!

And in this corner, standing 6.75-inches long, and with a diameter of 1.55 inches…

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…it’s the unofficial Twilight dildo! Titled “The Vamp” to avoid a lawsuit from the all-sex-but-marital-intercourse-hating Stephanie Meyer estate, this dildo sparkles, just like a Twilight vampire’s penis would if it were in the sun. A mere $40, the Vamp also retains heat and cold, so, in the words of maker Tantus, “Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience!” Meaning that besides sparkling, a vampire’s penis is also cold, because vampires are in fact dead! Why, I can’t think of a more wonderful sexual experience!

Who will win? I don’t know! But I’m pretty sure we all lose! In fact, I don’t think I can ever know happiness again! I might as well start drinking until I die! Wheeeeeee!

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.