Battle of the Insanely Awful Twilight Merchandise

In this corner, standing 6-feet, 2-inches tall and costing $60…


a life-size silhouette of Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen! Yes, you too can imagine a 100-year-old teenager romantically breaking into your house to stare at you while you sleep! What could be more soothing than knowing a strange man who wants to drink your blood has total access to you when you’re utterly unaware and most vulnerable? I can’t even imagine!

And in this corner, standing 6.75-inches long, and with a diameter of 1.55 inches…

vamp it sparkles.jpg

…it’s the unofficial Twilight dildo! Titled “The Vamp” to avoid a lawsuit from the all-sex-but-marital-intercourse-hating Stephanie Meyer estate, this dildo sparkles, just like a Twilight vampire’s penis would if it were in the sun. A mere $40, the Vamp also retains heat and cold, so, in the words of maker Tantus, “Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience!” Meaning that besides sparkling, a vampire’s penis is also cold, because vampires are in fact dead! Why, I can’t think of a more wonderful sexual experience!

Who will win? I don’t know! But I’m pretty sure we all lose! In fact, I don’t think I can ever know happiness again! I might as well start drinking until I die! Wheeeeeee!